by Len Webster
No.
It was a touch.
A brief touch of lips.
It was hardly a kiss, yet it was the most passionate moment of her life.
It was barely a kiss, Savannah, she reminded herself.
Yet if she felt all of that, she wondered if Will did, too. After he had pulled away, he asked her to call him when she reached Vermont. She had. Their conversation was as brief as their kiss. Seconds, in fact. He wished her the best, and that was that.
How could someone give her the most memorable kiss and then pull away like that? Many questions kept her up at night and kept her mind preoccupied during the day.
Savannah nodded as she stood, collecting her laptop and her phone. “Yeah, sorry.”
“Are you sure?” Monty walked around the conference table and stood next to her. “What happened in Massachusetts?”
She flinched. “What makes you think something happened in Massachusetts?”
“Because you haven’t been the same feisty Savannah since you came back. Your mind is like a million miles away. I would like my marketer back, please.” Monty pouted and blinked at Savannah.
Rolling her eyes, Savannah turned and headed toward the conference room’s door. “Trust me. It was … boring.”
If William Lawrence thought he was boring, then Savannah was as dull as an old dime. But to throw off her boss, she would lie. Her weekend in Massachusetts was anything but boring. It was a weekend that changed her. That opened up feelings and emotions she hadn’t felt in so long.
Though she felt something new blossom with Will, she also felt what she thought was the demise of her heart with Walter. She was still angry. Still hurt that he had cheapened her attempt to reach out to him. His opportunity was there for the taking, and he’d wasted it as he did with the alcohol he consumed.
All Walter had to do was tell her he was going to get help. That he cared for her more than his need for his next drink. All he had to do was want to help himself, and Savannah was his. But he didn’t. Instead, he let William Lawrence sneak into her life. Allowed his lips to softly brush against hers and take her breath away. Savannah wasn’t wrong when she told Will that she couldn’t have him. He was kind and loyal. He was everything Savannah didn’t deserve.
Will deserved a woman who was put together. Who didn’t have outstanding debt. Who didn’t love a man who loved alcohol more than her. Will deserved a lot of things in life, but he deserved more than what Savannah could ever offer him. So as she pulled on the conference room door handle, she promised herself that she would forget that brief kiss.
Forget the touch of his lips.
Obliterate the memory of the look on his face as he pulled away.
She would forget William Lawrence.
She had to.
It was what they both deserved.
“Oh, come on. Sav, you know so many from The Brotherhood,” Lance from accounting said as he set down his beer.
They were at a sports bar downtown that was close to their office. Lance was a sports fanatic. In fact, everyone had groaned when he had unsurprisingly chosen Lucky’s Sports Bar. No one could disagree because it was Lance’s turn to choose where they went. It wasn’t so bad—especially for Savannah. Lance’s choice was cheaper than Astrid’s who always chose the most expensive wine bars in Montpelier. Wine bars Savannah couldn’t afford, but Monty had stepped in and paid since she had joined that week.
Savannah was sure her boss knew her financial position. Everyone at the table made significantly more than she did. Though she came from a prominent family in North Carolina with money to spare, Savannah had been cut off for almost eight years now. And attending Duke definitely added to her financial troubles. Savannah had her next loan payment due in a few days, which meant she could only splurge on one beer in order to be able to afford noodles for lunch at work for the next week.
“I know so many from The Brotherhood?” Savannah asked as she swallowed a mouthful of the bitter beer and set the bottle down.
Lance nodded, his dark brown eyes glimmered with interest. “Yeah, you went to Duke.”
Oh … of course.
“Yeah, I did go to Duke,” she said in a tight voice, hating where this conversation was heading. Savannah should have known the moment “The Brotherhood” passed Lance’s lips. The Brotherhood described Duke’s men’s basketball team and their bond. They were a family. Savannah knew it all too well when Walter chose his brothers over her. At first, she hadn’t minded. She wasn’t a college athlete and respected him and his career, but when he chose to party with his “brothers,” then it became a problem.
Why? Because many in The Brotherhood were enablers. They saw how fun drunk Walter could be and didn’t help him until Landon, their captain, had intervened during their senior year. So yeah, Savannah knew all about The Brotherhood. She had even loved and supported them until she saw what they had all become off the court. But she managed to free herself of so much disappointment the moment her best friend broke up with her boyfriend, ensuring Savannah didn’t have to go to any more games and see what Walter’s binges were doing to him on the court.
“Do you know Walter Vidović? I think he played at Duke when you were there.” Lance leaned closer, squinting at her.
Savannah sighed. She had kept quiet about Walter long after he graduated, so she wouldn’t break now just because Walter had insulted her during their last phone call. He had done it many times before during his drunken hazes. At the very start, Walter was committed, but the moment Landon Carmichael broke up with her best friend, everything fell apart.
If Landon and Alex can’t make it, what the fuck makes you think we will, Savannah?
His words returned to her, slicing open old wounds as fresh blood stained her skin, reminding her that the sting of his words and actions still lingered.
“Kind of,” she said, somewhat telling the truth.
It was the best way to explain how she knew Walter Vidović.
She knew him intimately. Between the sheets. With their sweaty bodies pressed together as if it weren’t enough.
She knew his secrets.
She knew his fears.
She knew his drunken slumps.
She knew the struggle of trying to help him.
She also knew the pain of him sleeping with other women after her.
They were never truly exclusive, no matter how many times he whispered how much he wanted to be when he was deep inside her.
Just words, she would continue to tell herself.
Just sex, she lied to herself.
Because while Walter used her body, he fucked with her heart and her mind.
And for so long, Savannah let him. For so long, she was at his beck and call. Three nights ago, she was close to breaking for the millionth time. But then he went and insulted her love for him by wanting sex from her. It was always about sex even when she wanted so much more with him.
But for the past few days, Walter wasn’t who consumed her thoughts. His missed calls and text messages didn’t make her heart ache. Her mind was on Will, wondering if he thought of her as much as she thought of him.
All she wanted to do was call him, but then she remembered the finality in his voice when he said goodbye, and it scared her into silence.
Silence that continued.
“Kind of?” Lance asked, the interest flashing in his brown eyes. “What does that mean?”
Her co-workers around the table had stopped their conversations and stared at her. It felt as if the bar quieted, but she knew that was just in her head. She couldn’t let them know the truth and use it against her and Walter.
He might have hurt her time and time again, but she had loved him.
Cared for him so much she let him hurt her.
One day, when Walter was ready to get help, she’d make sure their relationship never became the public’s interest. She wouldn’t let their tryst hinder his recovery should he ever decide he wanted to be a better man.
“My best
friend dated Landon Carmichael,” she said, knowing that Alex wouldn’t mind. It was public knowledge that Alex had dated the former Duke captain who was now a star player for the San Antonio Spurs.
“Oh, that’s right. You know Little Miss Red Sox,” Hank, one of the executive assistants, asked, joining the conversation.
Savannah cringed. “Don’t call her that. She’s a TA at Harvard, Hank. She isn’t that anymore.”
It was true.
Ever since Alex had become a mom, she had distanced herself from her old public image—especially now that she was a teaching assistant at Harvard. She had never been comfortable being Little Miss Red Sox. In fact, Alex had been embarrassed to admit who she was to Savannah when they were freshmen at Duke.
“Sorry,” Hank mumbled. “I’ll get the next round. Sorry, Sav.”
Lance grinned. “Hey, at least we get a free round.”
She rolled her eyes. She did not want a drink for defending her best friend. It was sexist men like Hank who made it hard for Alex to be recognized as a published scientist and researcher. Instead, many magazines and papers still regarded her more as a Red Sox cheerleader than the talented academic she was.
“So do you know what Vidović was thinking? You don’t walk away from a team like the Bucks. There are rumors—”
“Lance,” Savannah gritted out as her phone vibrated in her blazer pocket. “I don’t know what is going through his head. I don’t know him. I’m sure he has monsters in his head like the rest of us.”
It was the truth.
Every single word from her lips had been. She didn’t know Walter. He never allowed her to. She didn’t know what was going through his head. His thoughts were never hers to have. And she knew he had monsters that tormented his mind. His monsters were his addiction. Monsters she had danced with many times at Duke. Monsters she thought she could overcome and love, but she couldn’t.
“That’s too bad.” Lance sighed. “Sucks to see a talented player destroy his career like that. He could have been great with the Bucks.”
Savannah nodded, agreeing with Lance as she pulled out her phone from her pocket to find his name on the screen. She hid it from Lance’s view as she said, “I have to take this,” before she pushed back from the table. Savannah didn’t wait for him to say a word before she made her way through the crowded sports bar and headed toward the exit.
Once she was out of the hot and cramped bar, she lifted her phone to see him still calling. She tilted her head back as she looked up at the stars. They glittered at her, taunting her. Showing her that even in the darkness, those who tried the hardest, glowed the brightest, but Savannah had been stuck in her own darkness for as long as she could remember.
Each time she tried to free herself, he kept coming back.
Maybe this was what she deserved.
Maybe she was responsible for his downfall.
Maybe she should have loved him harder for the both of them.
Maybe I should have been better …
Savannah stepped away from the door and leaned against the brick wall, questioning whether she should break again.
She asked herself if he was worth it.
If saving him was worth losing herself.
The love she had for him screamed yes.
And that was her ultimate weakness.
Her damn heart.
Sliding her thumb across her screen, she took a deep breath and answered his call. She didn’t expect a positive outcome. She expected more fighting. She expected the very worst version of him to torment her.
But as she pressed her phone to her ear, she heard the fear in his voice as he whispered, “Savannah.”
Her heart stuttered in her chest, proof that she was as sick and as weak as the man she loved. If only she was strong enough to resist him when she was a freshman, they could have avoided all this.
But she hadn’t.
She was upset when she went to him.
Fought off his charm until she returned from Southport with disappointment in her lungs and the need for him in her chest.
She had been a stupid girl.
And years later, she was just the very same.
“What do you really want, Walter?” she demanded through the emotions that lodged in her throat. Her voice was much stronger than her resilience.
“You, Savannah.” Walter let out a sigh. “I want you.”
Tears consumed her as she blinked hard, letting them fall. This was not how she had wanted to spend her night. She should have gone home where she could have stayed in bed or worked. For most of the day, she was safe from him. She had spent her morning in a meeting she hadn’t paid attention to.
She was safe from him as long as she thought of another.
But Lance had to open his big mouth and mention him.
Weaken her defenses for Walter to attack her heart once more.
“You had me, Walter,” she reminded as she opened her eyes and brushed her traitorous tears away.
“I know. Savannah, the other night …”
“The night you ensured that it was only ever sex? That I just want you because you made me come? That that’s all I ever wanted and felt with you?”
“Yes,” he whimpered.
“I felt everything for you, Walter!” she shouted, tired of the damage he kept inflicting on her. “Every time you hurt me, used other women to hurt me, I still felt everything! And all you ever did was cheapen what I felt and made me feel like I deserved it.”
“I did that. I did that to you.”
Savannah had had enough.
The more he tried, the more he broke her.
And this was Savannah and her pieces conceding defeat.
“You cheapened my love for you, Walter. That’s all you ever did.”
There.
The truth was finally his to hear.
His breathing hitched. “You love me?”
“God,” she groaned. “What did you think it was? Every time I came back to you, did you not realize it was because I loved you?”
“I thought it might have been …”
Savannah swallowed down another sob. “It was.”
Walter was silent, his breathing the only sound he made before he said, “You said it to me once. But you were unsure then.”
She winced.
When?
When did she slip?
When did she give him those words before tonight?
“I was unsure?”
“You were,” Walter confirmed. “It was the night you came back from Southport after seeing your mom. You said you needed me. You came to my dorm room, and we left campus and drank together. We had sex for the first time that night.”
It came back to her.
Vivid memories and tangible touches on her skin, remembering him and that night.
Her mother and her ex-boyfriend had demanded she leave Duke. Demanded that she return to Southport and marry Cameron. It was the only way her mother would let her have her trust funds back, but Savannah refused. That night, she vowed to never see her mother again until she woke up from her ignorant view on life and recognize that Savannah was more than a potential housewife.
That night, she went to Walter.
That night, she fell into his kisses and his touches.
That was the first night she slept with him.
They were drunk, but she knew the situation they were in when they stumbled into his dorm room, tearing off their clothes. Breaths later, she let Walter fuck her.
Let the walls hear her moans and keep their tryst a secret.
It didn’t take long for her to climax.
It had been push and pull for months.
His visits to Chino’s became more frequent.
His whispers in her ear at parties were dirty things he wanted to do to her.
But she went to him at a moment of weakness, and she had been addicted ever since.
Maybe they were all right.
Addicts found each other.
&n
bsp; That was why it was so hard for them to quit each other.
They were each other’s disease.
Habits festered into unhealthy obsession.
“You were asleep on top of me when you said it. You whispered, ‘I think I love you, Walter.’ I couldn’t sleep after that. I kept waiting for you to say it again. Then you woke up, got dressed, and left my dorm room as if you hadn’t fucked me. Like you didn’t make me yours with each moan you made. Like you knew I wouldn’t get over you after each touch.”
It hurt her.
Deep in her chest.
Each word and declaration had her wanting to be closer to him.
But they were just words.
Words from old memories that were forgotten with one touch two days ago.
Will.
The touch of Will’s lips had affected her more than Walter ever had. She was sure of it. But maybe it was because she was trying to taste more than the slightest touch Will offered her. Or maybe she was telling herself that so she could leave Walter in her past.
“I fell for you that night, Savannah,” Walter confessed. “I wanted you that night, but we decided to keep us a secret, and then senior year … it all collapsed. I ruined us with my drinking. I ruined us because I thought if I pushed you away, you would see that I was wrong for you.”
“You were wrong for me?”
“Yes.”
“Wrong how? Tell me, Walter. How?” she begged, falling back into her old ways. “Tell me what I want to hear.”
He exhaled.
A heartbeat passed.
Her lungs struggled to inhale air.
Her mind drowned with a million thoughts.
All she needed was for him to say it.
It didn’t have to be about love. She knew he was incapable of it. She just needed him to state how excessive his drinking had become.
He just had to say it.
And to her sheer relief, Walter Vidović whispered, “I have a drinking problem, baby.”
Finally.
He acknowledged he had a problem.
He was no longer in denial, and he was taking responsibility.
