Soon, we were joking around and my one drink became two, then three. He kept getting told to get back to work but he’d come over and chat to me again. He told me all about the bug collection he’d had as a young boy. I’d always thought I was a freak because I was into things other people found strange, like bugs and the reasons why things did the things they did and all kinds of dorky stuff. I’d been laughed at too many times. I’d learned to keep my mouth shut and pretend I was just like everybody else. But Drew wasn’t like that at all. He acted like everyone loved bugs.
It wasn’t long before I knew everyone in the bar. They felt like family. No need to force conversation or hide away. It was the only place I felt comfortable. I’d put up so many layers to protect myself but, when I went to Trouble, some of those layers began to peel away. Little by little, I talked about things and people listened. They didn’t laugh. They didn’t think I was strange. They just listened.
Maybe I’d destroy all of it by speaking my mind.
I wanted to see his eyes crinkle. I wanted him to smile at me to let me know he’d been thinking the same thing but he’d never gotten around to putting it into words. I wanted to lay my head on his broad shoulder and have his arm around me, protecting me from the world. I hoped that wasn’t just a dream.
Jackson sat at the corner of the bar, as usual. Carlie had taken some time off and the other barman, Mark, kept coming over to talk to us. Normally, Jackson would tell Mark to bugger off and stop talking such shit. But, for once, Jackson encouraged him. Mark talked about the football matches coming up on the weekend and, even though I’d never known Jackson to ever have any interest in sports, he suddenly seemed to have an opinion on every game.
Because he wanted to avoid me saying anything.
Maybe I was better off keeping silent. If my words were welcome, then he wouldn’t avoid me like that.
I chewed on my nail and mentally screamed at Mark to go away. Eventually, he had other customers to serve. The silence between Jackson and I became awkward. We’d had all kinds of silences but none of them had been awkward before. I wasn’t sure how to start.
I twirled a strand of hair around my finger. It was a bad habit of mine. I drank my vodka and hoped it would give me courage. But then business died down and Mark would be back at any minute.
“So,” I said, hoping Mark would stay away, “how about the two of us doing something different some time? I make an awesome lasagne if you aren’t doing anything next Friday night.”
Yikes, that was lame. Lasagne? Still, it was better than nothing.
Jackson didn’t say anything for a long time. Mark came over to chat between customers and Jackson waved him away.
“Not now,” he told Mark.
At least he’d heard what I’d said. I was beginning to doubt that I’d said it out loud.
He still didn’t look at me though. He sat up straight as though gathering his strength. It made me want to take those words back. I’d read the situation entirely wrong. He had no interest in me at all.
“No, Gina. It’s not going to happen. Stop being a silly little girl with your foolish ideas.”
Then he laughed. He laughed so bitterly, like the sound of a rusty saw cutting into bone. There was no humor in that laugh. Nothing at all human. Just a noise like the shattering of something that had barely had time to be born.
My stomach clenched in fear. I couldn’t handle it. This wasn’t the Jackson I knew. He’d become hateful. I don’t know if he purposely wanted to hurt me but that noise undid me. I grabbed my bag and left the bar before he saw the tears in my eyes. I tried to walk steadily so no one would notice the pain inside me, even though it seemed like big neon signs saying “LOSER” and “REJECT” flashed above my head.
Drew grabbed my arm as I got to the door.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded and walked out the door. Once outside, I walked as fast as I could. I needed to get home. I needed the safety and the comfort of my own space.
I’d never go back to the bar again.
His laughter had crushed me. I’d thought I wanted an answer, one way or the other, but I’d never wanted that.
I should’ve known. I should never have opened my mouth. Jackson was right. I was a silly girl, stupid enough to think that I could have something good of my own. All my life, whenever I’d wanted anything, no matter how small, it’d been taken from me. You’d have thought I’d have learned to accept it by now but the pain burnt like hell.
Yes, I would go back to the bar. I’d go back and prove to Jackson he hadn’t broken me. I’d be happy without him. I wouldn’t cut myself off from my other friends just because he was a pig.
Chapter 3 Jackson
I POURED MYSELF ANOTHER drink. The whiskey was warm. It’d be better with ice but I didn’t have the caring to get up and get it. I wasn’t even sure if I had any ice left in the trays. I’d last filled them about two years ago. Probably wouldn’t be any good now anyway.
I wouldn’t return to the bar, not for a long time. I didn’t have the strength to avoid Gina’s eyes and, if I put hurt into them, I’d hate myself all the more. Or, maybe I was more scared that there would be no hurt. That she’d shrug it off and be okay with things. It was entirely possible that I’d overreacted and her feelings for me weren’t nearly as strong as I’d believed.
Without the bar, I didn’t have much to do with my time. I could go to another bar but that would be like starting afresh. I’d have to deal with strangers asking all kinds of stupid questions. Human interaction, I could do without. At Trouble, they knew me. They didn’t get all up in my face about things. If I wanted to talk, I could talk. If I didn’t, they left me alone.
Instead, I sat in my apartment and drank. Somehow, drinking alone like that seemed so much sadder than drinking in a bar. The bottle on the rickety table, my glass not cleaned between shots. I had a well-thumbed paperback in front of me but I couldn’t focus on the words. My mind kept replaying the look on Gina’s face. Like a nightmare on a loop. I’d crushed her. That’s what I’d wanted, but I’d never thought it’d be that horrific.
My place wasn’t much, just a room with a bed and kitchen. I had a bathroom, of course. The apartment faced over the river though and, seated at the table, I could watch the boats cruising by. At night, when the sun set, the lights twinkled and were reflected. It wasn’t a bad place to live. I’d bought it years ago when the money flowed like wine and the wine flowed even freer. The future stretched like a glittering path with no end in sight.
We’d done it, we’d paid our dues and we’d worked our arses off. So had a lot of others but we were the ones with that extra something. A bit of talent, a bit of good timing and a whole dash of magic. We couldn’t put a foot wrong — until we did. Then it all came crashing down.
Luckily, when things had been doing strong, my brother had talked me into buying this place.
“It’s perfect,” he’d said. “You can use it as a base to come back to when you’re on tour. And, if you decide you want something grander, you can use it as an investment. No point pouring money into a landlord’s pocket when you aren’t even there most of the time.”
I’d paid cash for the place. Nick’s words had made sense. I never got a hankering to move somewhere grander though, even before things went bad. I’m not a man who needs luxury and this place was comfortable.
I poured another drink. It was a slow night without anything around to distract me. This was my third night of drinking alone. I’d start talking to the shadows soon.
Gina would be coming into the bar around about now. She’d be looking around for me, maybe, to see if I’d weakened and come back. There’d be no Carlie. She was off having a breakdown or something crazy over that rocker boyfriend of hers. Violet would be there though, and Alex, strutting around the place like he owned it. Which he did.
Gina might sit and talk to Violet a while. She’d do that thing where she twisted her hair around her finger. The two of them would
laugh. And she’d shoot me those secret looks but I wouldn’t be there to get them. She’d just be looking into an empty corner of the bar.
Maybe some guy would hit on her and she’d realize I was right about being too old and miserable for her. That guy would make her laugh and pay her compliments. He’d put the sunshine back into her eyes. And I had no right to say anything or do anything because I was the one who’d tossed her aside.
I needed some music. Something to break up my maudlin thoughts. I never listened to music at home. It was one of those things I didn’t do anymore. But tonight, I needed music. I needed music and whiskey and loneliness. I reached over and flicked on the radio and shook a cigarette out of my packet.
Before I could light it, someone knocked on my door. It couldn’t be the neighbors complaining about the noise, the radio wasn’t that loud. Other than that, I had no idea why anyone would be knocking. If I ignored them, they’d go away and I could back to serious business – drinking and brooding.
They knocked again. It’d take more than that to get me to answer. I turned the volume up on the radio and leaned back in my chair. I had all the time in the world and they’d go away eventually. Nothing to see here.
“Jackson, you total shithead, open this door now or I’ll smash it down.”
Carlie was back in town.
I ignored her. Well, I tried. There was no ignoring Carlie when she got her back up.
“Jackson, I’m warning you. Do not fuck with me.”
She started kicking at my door. Mrs. Blakely across the hallway would pop her head out soon and tell Carlie to shut up. Carlie might think she was tough but old Mrs. Blakely was a helluva lot tougher. She’d chase Carlie down the stairs with a broom if she had to. It’d almost be worth watching.
I counted to ten, waiting, with Carlie still yelling at me. I heard the creak of Mrs. Blakely’s door and then voices. She’d deal with Carlie and then Carlie would be on her way.
The two of them talked, much more quietly than I expected. I couldn’t hear a word of it.
I gulped down my drink, expecting to hear Carlie thump down the stairs at any moment. Still quiet. I was tempted to open the door to see what was happening but I wouldn’t fall into that trap. The moment I opened the door, either Carlie would be still there or Mrs. Blakely would give me a serve for having her come around. I wasn’t up for that.
A moment later, the knocking started again. But this time there were two of them doing it. Damn she-devils. I had to open the door if I wanted any peace.
As the door opened, Carlie half spilled into the room. I saw Mrs. Blakely’s door shut behind her.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“What the hell is going on with you? You can’t just abandon the club.” She had her hands on her hips and fronted up to me so that I had to move back. Not that I’m scared of a woman but Carlie wasn’t like other women. She could pack a punch and wasn’t afraid to strike out. I’d seen the damage she could do. More than that, the anger in her voice made me back away. Because I knew I deserved that anger.
“I can abandon the club. It’s a choice. I’m a customer and I’ll take my custom where I want.”
I sat back down at the table and looked out the window, hoping Carlie would take the hint. Little chance of that.
“You are not. You aren’t just a customer. You’re family. What else have you got in your life, Jackson? Some lonely, desperate drinking at home? That’s really pathetic.”
I raised my glass to her.
“Seriously, come back. Sort things out with Gina and —”
“That is not going to happen.”
“She likes you.”
I nodded. “I know but that means nothing. She’s young, she’ll get over it.”
Carlie sighed and leaned on the table.
“No matter what, don’t be a cry-baby and run away. Deal with things like a man.”
“Have you dealt with your things?” I asked. She’d been in a bad state when she’d left.
A creepy smile came over her face. It looked like happiness and mushy shit. Mushy shit had no place on Carlie’s face. That glassy-eyed smile just made her look strange.
“Yeah, I have actually. Holden and I have gotten back together. If you were at the club, you’d have known that.”
Damn, there went that defense. I never expected her to say that. The last thing I’d heard was that Alex had given her time off to get her act together. I didn’t even know she’d been with Holden while she was away. Hell, there is nothing worse than someone newly-in-love. They get all sappy and emotional. They think love can overcome anything. I never expected Carlie to be like that but she’d fallen like the rest of them.
“Come on, Jackson. Who’s going to help me tell Alex he’s a tool if you aren’t there? Who’s going to stick up for Drew when I pick on him? It’s no fun picking on him if he just gets sulky and acts all hurt. That whole dynamic gets off-center if it’s just Drew and me there. Oh, and hey, Mark’s getting the sack because Alex realized what a dipshit he is. How awesome is that? You missed out on all that because you are here being a big cry-baby.”
I didn’t look up at her because I knew she was doing that face that she thought would get her what she wanted. Then she poked me in the ribs!
“You know you want to. No matter what, you miss the place. I bet you’ve been sitting here brooding, wondering about all the fun you are missing out on.”
“Has anyone ever told you how annoying you are?”
“Yeah, all the time. Mostly you. But really it’s one of my most charming points. You know you miss me being annoying.” She leaned over and grabbed my book. “You know you’ve read this book like fifty times. Why don’t you read something new? There are too many books in the world to keep reading the same one.”
She flicked through the pages then turned her gaze back to me. She stared and I stared back. Then she got up and paced my room, poking into things. I needed to get her out of my space. She’d not leave without me. I knew that.
I stood up and grabbed my jacket. If I didn’t go with her then she’d be here all night, going through my things and talking at me. At least if I went to the bar, I’d get some peace and quiet.
“God, Jackson, don’t you think you should smarten yourself up a bit? You look like you’ve been sleeping in those clothes.”
Which wasn’t far from the truth but I had no intention of getting changed with Carlie watching over me like a hawk. There was nowhere to hide in this room. I ran a comb through my hair and left it at that. It wasn’t like there was anyone I needed to impress.
“Be damn thankful I listen to you at all,” I told her, following her out the door. “How the hell did you find out where I live anyway?”
Carlie started down the stairs but turned back to me. “I have my ways. I’m a barmaid. I know everything.”
Chapter 4 Gina
HE SAT AT THE BAR, so close yet with a distance I couldn’t bridge between us.
“What happened between you?” Carlie asked.
I couldn’t tell her. It was too raw, too personal. I think she got the general idea anyway. She’d been to Jackson’s house and had dragged him back to the bar. I’m not sure if he told her anything but it wasn’t exactly rocket science.
“He’s a shit,” Violet said. “A downright shit.”
“It wasn’t his fault,” I said. “I tried to push him too much.”
“I don’t believe that for a minute. You don’t push, Gina.”
“He called me a silly girl. And I am. I’m stupid. I totally misread the situation.”
“He said that, he actually said that?” Violet said, glaring across the bar at Jackson as though her eyes were lasers and she could cut him. “You’re not silly, Gina. He has definitely been giving out signals.”
It did feel good to talk about it, once the initial humiliation wore off.
“I’ll punch him for you if you like,” Carlie offered.
I shook my head. That would be the wor
st.
“He can’t help how he feels,” I said. “If he’s not interested, he’s not interested.”
I shrugged. I had to accept the way things were. It’d taken every ounce of courage I had to even walk back into the bar but I couldn’t let him see he’d hurt me so badly.
“He’s interested,” said Violet. “He’s just like a wounded animal. He’s going to attack because he doesn’t trust anyone. Mostly, he doesn’t trust himself. And seriously, even if he isn’t interested, he doesn’t have to be a dick about it.”
Trouble was full of wounded animals, I figured. There was something about the place that drew them in. People who were damaged by life. I guess that’s true of every bar but Trouble was different. It felt like a respite from the cruelness of life. Maybe that was just me. It was my safe place. I could escape the fake me I had to be everywhere else. I didn’t have to smile here.
Of course, there was still a lot I hid from people. I’d never be cool but I didn’t want people to know just what a dork I was.
When you show what’s in your heart, you get taken down for it. Jackson had proven that to me once again. I had to accept the way he felt. I couldn’t fight. If I did, bad things would happen.
Before we could say anymore, Sally had come in early for her shift and Violet had to go upstairs to work. I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore, not in front of Sally. I didn’t really know her that well.
Instead, she and Carlie talked about Alex.
“He’s never going to notice me, not ever,” Sally said.
“You’re better off without him,” Carlie told her. “You think you like him but it’s just that package in those tight leather pants you like.”
Sally laughed. “Well, there’s a lot to like.”
Carlie was right, though, Alex never did notice Sally. Whenever Alex made a joke, which wasn’t that often, Sally would laugh the loudest. When she knew he’d be around, she wore the sexiest outfits and made sure she had some issue that he needed to sort out. Alex treated her like she didn’t exist or that she was just another one of the guys.
The Trouble with Rock Stars: Jackson's Story (Access All Areas, #3) Page 2
