“That was the night it all fell apart. No, actually, it’d been falling apart for a while. That was the night I stopped trying to keep it together. I stopped trying to stop the fights, stopped trying to keep Fred off the gear. We were going to hell in a handbasket and nothing I did could stop that.
“I thought about her a lot after that. We were on the road for another month or so before we came back here. Every night, I’d get off stage and sit in the band room, thinking of her face. I’d really hurt her. It wasn’t like I even knew her but she’d triggered something in me. I’d always known I was a bad person and she’d seen through everything to the blackness of my soul. That look she gave me, the way she fell apart...”
He sighed.
“The first night we got back on stage after the break, I was worse than ever. It was a blackness. That’s all it was. Everything in my life had a fog around it and I couldn’t feel. The music, my playing, it was all just going through the motions. I wanted it to end but I couldn’t see a way out.”
I took his hand. I didn’t want to keep listening. I didn’t like the way he looked and wasn’t sure I wanted to hear this, but I knew he had to say it.
“I lied to you, Gina. When I said it wasn’t suicide. The fog was so bad that night, I just wanted it to go away. While the other guys got wasted, I took a knife and tried to end it. I never even thought about what would happen if I failed. I just wanted nothingness.”
We sat there, him staring into nothing, me holding his hand, for a long, long time. The dark outside turned to light. We barely moved. In the end, I had to get up to go to the bathroom. When I got back, he was gone.
Chapter 36 Jackson
I WASN’T SURE WHAT I had in mind when I left Gina’s apartment. I got outside and the city was bathed in the cold, blue light of dawn. Everything looked harsh. I walked down the street with no plans, I just wanted to get my darkness away from her.
I heard footsteps behind me. I knew they were hers but I didn’t turn. She didn’t race behind me either. She just followed, watching over me.
I’d wanted to connect with Gina. I’d wanted to take her in my arms and tell her it was all going to be fine from now on. But love doesn’t conquer all. Something in my head blocked that connection with her. At the same time, there was a spark, something vital inside me that refused to die.
“I told you, I’m going to fight. I don’t care what – I’ll fight you, I’ll fight this darkness inside you. You once told me you’d give me anything I want. I want you. I want you well and whole. Nothing else matters.
The lights around the city were slowly going out, the day got brighter. I looked at Gina.
“I can’t see any way out.”
“Let me help you,” she said. “Let me fight. Together, we can do this.”
The determination on her face was scary. She didn’t understand but she wasn’t going to back down.
“I’m only something when I’m with you,” she said. “Don’t take that away from me.”
She took my hand and led me to a bench. We sat there, together.
“Did they ever mention anything at the hospital? About getting help?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t remember anything like that. They’d been so occupied with my physical problems.
“You said you loved me but you couldn’t be the man I needed. I think you can. I think you have it in you.”
The way she believed in me was a miracle in itself. I’d tried to deny these problems, the depression and the suicide, for so long that just telling her had been a huge ordeal. I figured she’d run from me. Maybe she’d stick around for a while so she didn’t look heartless, but eventually, she’d run.
She didn’t look like someone who had running on their mind. Instead, she looked like a woman who truly loved me. I’d never had that from anyone before in my life. Not from my family, not from my friends and never from a woman.
“Gina, I need your help.” I gulped hard as I said those words. Saying them was the hardest thing I’d ever done.
“You know I’ll always help you.”
“I mean, I want you beside me all the way. It’s not going to be easy. I’m a cranky old bastard who’s way past his used-by date. I’ve got a ton of issues I need to work through and I’m never going to be easy to live with, but by god, I want to try with you.”
She nodded. “I knew all that long ago.”
“Please don’t leave me. Don’t move back home. Stay here with me.”
She squeezed my hand tighter.
“I mean it, what I’m asking isn’t going to be easy, and you have to fight. When I get stubborn and weak, you need to fight me. You need to yell and scream and kick me in the arse. I need to know what you’re feeling.”
She nodded again. “You could try just not being stubborn and cantankerous, you know. Then I’d not need to say a thing.”
“I’ll try. I can’t promise it all the time but I’ll try. Help me, Gina.” Words I thought I’d never say to anyone.
She held me tight. “Of course, I’ll help you. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”
The sun had risen completely now and the city had woken up. Life rushed on around us as I sat there with Gina. I couldn’t believe she’d said those words and, even more, I couldn’t believe that I believed her.
Chapter 37 Gina
JACKSON’S PROBLEMS didn’t disappear overnight. I never expected they would. That week though, he called me. He’d made an appointment to see a specialist at the hospital. That’s what he called her, a specialist. He never used the words shrink or psychiatrist. If that’s what he needed to do, then I wasn’t going to correct him.
“I’ll pick you up afterward,” I said to him.
It wasn’t like I was working or had anything else do to. I’d unpacked.
When Jackson came out from his appointment, he looked overwrought. Understandably so.
“You really need a drink,” I said. “Let’s go to Trouble.”
He shook his head.
“I’d rather go to your place.” He gave me a weak smile. “You mentioned once about making me lasagne.”
“I can do that,” I said, and squeezed his arm.
“It’s going to take a long time, Gina,” he said while we walked. “I have to take meds. Maybe they’ll work for me, but it might take weeks.”
“We can do it,” I said. So long as Jackson kept trying, I’d be with him. What else would I do? I needed him in my life.
“You never know...”
“Hey, I’m not doing this for your sake. I’m doing it for my own. Without you, I’m miserable and lonely. I don’t want that. I want to be with you, no matter what.”
We walked along the riverside in the afternoon sun. People lazed around on the grass beside the path. A mother played with her baby, while it waved its arms and legs in the air.
As I watched them playing, I thought about our future. The one thing I wanted more than any other. I wouldn’t mention it to Jackson now. It’d definitely take a while before he was ready for that conversation, but one day...
Maybe, we could have a boy and a girl. That would be perfect.
He’d make a good father. I knew that. You just had to watch the way he was with Drew. Sure, he acted all gruff and mean but he really looked after him. He even loved the guitar lessons, as much as he’d tried to hide it.
That reminded me of something. “Hey, Jackson, remember that time I went on the date with Drew?”
He nodded. “It wasn’t a real date. We set it up so he’d win the challenge with you.”
He nodded. “I figured that.”
Yeah, he could say that, but I saw the grin before he wiped it off his face. He’d totally believed it. He could pretend that he hadn’t cared but he’d totally been jealous.
Chapter 38 Jackson
I ASKED GINA OUT ON a date. I had no idea what else to do, so I figured we should start from the beginning. A first date is a first date, even if you’ve known each other for a while and have
been through hell together.
It’d been so long since I’d been on a date, I wasn’t sure how to go about it.
Hell, that was a lie. I’d never really taken a woman on a date. When we started the band, I was so young. Women just tended to throw themselves at me and I played along. Sometimes they stuck around for a while but it was never planned. There was no dating involved.
There wasn’t even anyone to ask for advice. I could ask Carlie but I had no trust in her womanly instincts. She wasn’t the dating type either. And I sure wasn’t asking Drew. Finally, I asked Alex. He had some good ideas.
“A restaurant that’s classy but not so classy you’d feel intimidated.”
I’m pretty sure the “you” in that was not a general “you” either but a direct implication that I’d not know how to act in a fancy place. Hell, he wasn’t wrong.
He wrote down the names of a few places.
Lately, I felt a bit weird talking to Alex. If what Drew had told me was the truth, then he had a lot he kept hidden. I sure didn’t want to let slip that I knew anything.
I wanted to do everything right for the date. I got flowers for her. Red roses.
When I got to Gina’s door, she seemed pleased with them. She took them in and put them in a vase.
“Do you want a drink before we go?” she asked.
“That’s okay. The doctor said I have to lay off the booze while I’m on these meds.”
She made a shocked motion as though she was going to faint. I’d have to get used to that for a while. But I’d made the commitment. It wasn’t like I’d never drink again, just that I’d cut back for a while. It sure left a big hole inside me but I was hoping there were things in this life better than drinking.
Gina looked gorgeous. She had on a cute shirt that showed off her body and a sexy pair of jeans. I wanted to sweep her up into my arms but we’d never make it to dinner if I did.
“Should we get going?” I asked.
She grabbed her bag. We walked to dinner. It wasn’t that far and it was a nice night.
All through dinner, we joked around but I couldn’t say the things I wanted to say to her. I was ready to give this relationship all I had, if only she’d let me.
“I’ve got another job,” she said.
“It’s taken you until halfway through dinner to mention that?”
She grinned. “It’s only part-time but it pays enough for me to survive on. It’s pretty much the same work I was doing before, not very exciting, but I can work from home. That means I will have time to study if I apply for university.”
“You know if you need to save money, you could always move into my place.” I grinned. It was a brave move and I was going way too fast. I’d hurt this girl and I needed to rebuild her trust. Things had been going well between us and I knew we had forever, but every moment I was apart from her felt like a moment wasted.
“Maybe. One day.”
At least she hadn’t shot me down.
After dinner, we walked the long way back to her place, along the river. She seemed more relaxed than usual. I reached out, with my right hand, and took her hand in mine. She didn’t pull away.
“It’s a lovely night,” she said.
“It is lovely,” I replied but I wasn’t looking at the sky, I was looking at her.
We wandered until we got to the same seat we’d sat on last time. I needed to put my feelings into words and hoped that those feelings would reach her.
I put my arm around her. “Gina, I love you.”
The words tumbled out of me. Words I’d never said to anybody. I froze, waiting for her response. She faced me, her eyes glowed.
She kissed me and that was my answer. I’d work hard to make her life happy. No matter what she wanted I’d try to give it to her. I sunk into her kiss, knowing this was my chance, my only chance in this life.
Then I jumped up.
She stared, her eyes wide with shock.
“What’s wrong?” she said. She didn’t look at me and I realized how bad it must seem, me jumping away from her as she kissed me
“My hand. I’ve got pins and needles.”
“Sorry.” She got up and started walking away. “I just thought...”
Shit, I’d done the wrong thing. “Gina, don’t walk away from me. You promised.”
She turned back.
“Why did you say all those things if you didn’t want me to kiss you? Pins and needles in your hand? What a pathetic story.”
I grabbed her by the shoulders.
“You don’t get it.” I held up my left hand. “Pins and needles, it means the feeling’s coming back.”
I put my arms around her waist and spun her around.
“It was your kiss that did it.”
“Phht, that was just coincidence,” she said.
Chapter 39 Gina
JACKSON TOOK ME TO the club to see Alex’s band. It’d been a while since we’d been there. Jackson found it hard being around the booze when he couldn’t drink.
“No point having the temptation in front of me.”
I wanted to support him in that but I did miss seeing Carlie and Drew and everyone. It’d be good to catch up on the gossip.
The only time he went there now was for Drew’s guitar lessons. Even though he pretended to hate it, you could tell he was proud of Drew.
“He’s going to be a great guitarist one day,” Jackson said. “But I’ll be buggered if I’ll tell him that. There’s enough big egos at that club.”
“You should tell him. He needs to hear it. It’s not like he’ll end up like Alex. He’s not that type.”
Jackson just harrumphed, though.
The two of us walked, hand in hand to the club. I’d been staying over at his place a lot lately and he wanted me to get rid of my apartment. It seemed stupid to be paying rent when I hardly used it. I was thinking about it, seriously. I wanted to go back to study. I’d never considered university when I was younger but now, I wanted to do something more with my life.
The night was cold and Jackson held me close to him. He seemed a bit tense. Maybe he was worried about going back into that environment but he’d been off the booze for so long now, I had faith that he’d be strong.
When we walked into the bar, Carlie almost knocked us down with her hugs.
“I thought you’d disappeared forever,” she said. “That Jackson had you tied up in his dungeon, keeping you as a sex slave.”
I winked at Jackson, “You said you wouldn’t tell anyone.”
It was worth it for the look of shock on Carlie’s face before she realized I was joking.
“What’s been happening?” I asked her.
“Same old. Violet and Razer are thinking about getting married.”
“What? When? Are they coming back here for the wedding? They’d better be.”
“I’m just going to slip upstairs while you two talk about this wedding stuff.”
I nodded at Jackson and sat down at the bar to hear all about this development.
“Alex is so shitty. He always thought they’d not last and he’d slip in there as the rebound guy. That’s so not going to happen. All his tight pants and money mean nothing to Violet.”
“And what about you?” I asked.
“Holden’s gone on tour, just a few big shows then he’s back in town. Every single time he plays, I want to phone him to make sure he’s alone but I don’t.”
“You don’t?”
“No, because he calls me first to tell me how much he’s missing me.” She grinned.
After I’d found out all the news, I went upstairs to join Jackson. Drew came up and threw his arms around me.
“Get your hands off my woman or there’ll be no more guitar lessons for you.”
Drew laughed. “She was mine first. We went on a date before you were even interested.”
“I was interested, you fool.”
When Alex came onstage, we went up closer to the front.
“Over here, by the side
,” Jackson said. “We don’t want to be blocked in.”
Alex started playing. He sounded better than ever, a sexy growl in his voice. Carlie stood near us. She must’ve gotten someone to work for her downstairs. She gave me a strange grin.
A few songs into the set, Jackson took his arm from around my waist. “Back soon,” he said and nodded at the toilet.
I was engrossed in the music. Carlie moved over so she was beside me, grinning again.
At the end of the song, Alex put down his guitar.
“I never thought I’d see the day, but we have a special guest joining us on stage. You kids have probably never heard of him but maybe you could ask your parents — wait, your grandparents, maybe — and they’ll tell you who this man is.”
People screamed. What the hell was going on?
Jackson climbed the steps to the stage. Drew handed him his guitar then wiped his eyes. I was a bit teary-eyed myself. I had never expected this. Was Jackson going to play?
He walked up to the microphone and plugged his guitar in.
“It’s been a long, long time since I stood on stage and played guitar. It’s taken a lot to get me up here. A ton of love.”
With that, he started playing. Carlie put her arm around me.
“You knew?” I mouthed at her.
She nodded.
He played guitar like a dream. I couldn’t imagine anything better than that moment. Jackson’s voice, singing just for me. His music. I thought my heart would burst.
Then he finished. I thought he’d walk off stage then but he stayed.
“I never thought I’d ever do anything this cheesy in my life but a mighty fine woman deserves a grand gesture. Gina, you saved me. I’d have been the most miserable bastard alive if it wasn’t for you. I don’t have much to offer you, but even so, will you marry me?
People around me screamed and cheered. I had no idea what to do. Had I heard right?
Suddenly, everyone was chanting “Gina, Gina,” and pushing me toward the stage. I did not want to go up there. I hated the limelight. I hated people looking at me. Hell, I was going to be a bride and they’d all be looking then. I’d better get used to it.
The Trouble with Rock Stars: Jackson's Story (Access All Areas, #3) Page 15
