Zima Blue and Other Stories

by Alastair Reynolds

  ‘I was just thinking . . . seeing as you were so keen . . . maybe it wouldn’t kill us to get out of town. Nothing too adventurous, mind.’

  ‘Tomorrow?’

  She looked at him concernedly. ‘That’s what I was thinking. You’ll still be okay, won’t you?’

  ‘No probs.’

  ‘I’ll get us a picnic, then. Tesco’s does a nice luncheon basket. I think we’ve still got two Thermos flasks around here somewhere too.’

  ‘Never mind the Thermos flasks, what about the walking boots?’

  ‘In the garage,’ Andrea said. ‘Along with the rucksacks. I’ll dig them out this evening.’

  ‘I’m looking forward to it,’ Mick said. ‘Really. It’s kind of you to agree.’

  ‘Just as long as you don’t expect me to get up Pen y Fan without getting out of breath.’

  ‘I bet you’ll surprise yourself.’

  A little later they went upstairs, to their bedroom. The blinds were open enough to throw pale stripes across the walls and bedsheets. Andrea undressed, and then helped Mick out of his own clothes. As good as his control over the body had now become, fine motor tasks - like undoing buttons and zips - would require a lot more practice than he was going to have time for.

  ‘You’ll have to help me get all this on afterwards,’ he said.

  ‘There you go, worrying about the future again.’

  They lay together on the bed. Mick had already felt himself growing hard long before there was any corresponding change in the body he was now inhabiting. He had an erection in the laboratory, halfway across the city in another worldline. He could even feel the sharp plastic of the urinary catheter. Would the other Mick, sunk deep into coma, retain some vague impression of what was happening now? There were occasional stories of people coming out of their coma with a memory of what their bodies had been up to while they were under, but the agencies had said these were urban myths.

  They made slow, cautious love. Mick had become more aware of his own awkwardness, and the self-consciousness only served to exaggerate the stiffness of his movements. Andrea did what she could to help, to bridge the gap between them, but she could not work miracles. She was patient and forgiving, even when he came close to hurting her. When he climaxed, Mick felt it happen to the body in the laboratory first. Then the body he was inhabiting responded too, seconds later. Something of it reached him through the nervelink - not pleasure, exactly, but confirmation that pleasure had occurred.

  Afterwards, they lay still on the bed, limbs entwined. A breeze made the blinds move back and forth against the window. The slow movement of light and shade, the soft tick of vinyl on glass, was as lulling as a becalmed boat. Mick found himself falling into a contented sleep. He dreamed of standing on a summit in the Brecon Beacons, looking down on the sunlit valleys of South Wales, with Andrea next to him, the two of them poised like a tableau in a travel brochure.

  When he woke, hours later, he heard her moving around downstairs. He reached for the glasses - he’d removed them earlier - and made to leave the bed. He felt it then. Somewhere in those languid hours he’d lost a degree of control over the body. He stood and moved to the door. He could still walk, but the easy facility he’d gained on Tuesday was now absent. When he moved to the landing and looked down the stairs, the glasses struggled to cope with the sudden change of scene. The view fractured, reassembled. He moved to steady himself on the banister, and his hand blurred into a long smear of flesh.

  He began to descend the stairs, like a man coming down a mountain.

  THURSDAY

  In the morning he was worse. He stayed overnight at the house, then caught the tram to the laboratory. Already he could feel a measurable lag between the sending of his intentions to move and the corresponding action in the body. Walking was still just about manageable, but all other tasks had become more difficult. He’d made a mess trying to eat breakfast in Andrea’s kitchen. It was no surprise when Joe told him that the link was now down to one-point-two megs, and falling.

  ‘By the end of the day?’ Mick asked, even though he could see the printout for himself.

  ‘Point nine, maybe point eight.’

  He’d dared to think it might still be possible to do what they had planned. But the day soon became a catalogue of declining functions. At noon he met Andrea at her office and they went to a car rental office, where they’d booked a vehicle for the day. Andrea drove them out of Cardiff, up the valleys, along the A470 from Merthyr to Brecon. They had planned to walk all the way to the summit of Pen y Fan, an ascent they’d done together dozens of times during their hill-walking days. Andrea had already collected the picnic basket from Tesco’s and packed and prepared the two rucksacks. She’d helped Mick get into his walking boots.

  They left the car at the Storey Arms then followed the well-trodden trail that wound its way towards the mountain. Mick felt a little ashamed at first. Back in their hill-walking days, they’d tended to look down with disdain on the hordes of people making the trudge up Pen y Fan, especially those who took the route up from the pub. The view from the top was worth the climb, but they’d usually made a point of completing at least one or two other ascents on the same day, and they’d always eschewed the easy paths. Now Mick was paying for that earlier superiority. What started out as pleasantly challenging soon became impossibly taxing. Although he didn’t think Andrea had begun to notice, he was finding it much harder than he’d expected to walk on the rough, craggy surface of the path. The effort was draining him, preventing him from enjoying any of the scenery, or the sheer bliss of being with Andrea. When he lost his footing the first time, Andrea didn’t make much of it - she’d nearly tripped once already, on the dried and cracked path. But soon he was finding it hard to walk more than a hundred metres without losing his balance. He knew, with a heavy heart, that it would be difficult enough just to get back to the car. The mountain was still three kilometres away, and he wouldn’t have a hope as soon as they hit a real slope.

  ‘Are you okay, Mick?’

  ‘I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. It’s these bloody shoes. I can’t believe they ever fitted me.’

  He soldiered on for as long as he could, refusing to give in, but the going got harder and his pace slower. When he tripped again and this time grazed his shin through his trousers, he knew he’d pushed himself as far as he could go. Time was getting on. The mountain might as well have been in the Himalayas, for all his chances of climbing it.

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m useless. Go on without me. It’s too nice a day not to finish it.’

  ‘Hey.’ Andrea took his hand. ‘Don’t be like that. It was always going to be hard. Look how far we’ve come anyway.’

  Mick turned and looked dispiritedly down the valley. ‘About three kilometres. I can still see the pub.’

  ‘Well, it felt further. And besides, this is actually a very nice spot to have the picnic.’ Andrea made a show of rubbing her thigh. ‘I’m about ready to stop anyway. Pulled a muscle going over that stile.’

  ‘You’re just saying that.’

  ‘Shut up, Mick. I’m happy, okay? If you want to turn this into some miserable, pain-filled trek, go ahead. Me, I’m staying here.’

  She spread the blanket next to a dry brook and unpacked the food. The contents of the picnic basket looked very good indeed. The taste came through the nervelink as a kind of thin, diluted impression, more like the memory of taste rather than the thing itself. But he managed to eat without making too much of a mess, and some of it actually bordered on the enjoyable. They ate, listening to the birds, saying little. Now and then other walkers trudged past, barely giving Mick and Andrea a glance as they continued towards the hills.

  ‘I guess I shouldn’t have kidded myself I was ever going to get up that mountain,’ Mick said.

  ‘It was a bit ambitious,’ Andrea agreed. ‘It would have been hard enough without the nervelink, given how flabby the two of us have become.’

  ‘I think I’d have made a better job of it
yesterday. Even this morning . . . I honestly felt I could do this when we got into the car.’

  Andrea touched his thigh. ‘How does it feel?’

  ‘Like I’m moving away. Yesterday I felt like I was in this body, fully a part of it. Like a face filling a mask. Today it’s different. I can still see through the mask, but it’s getting further away.’

  Andrea seemed distant for several moments. He wondered if what he’d said had upset her. But when she spoke again there was something in her voice - a kind of steely resolution - that he hadn’t been expecting, but which was entirely Andrea.

  ‘Listen to me, Mick.’

  ‘I’m listening.’

  ‘I’m going to tell you something. It’s the first of May today; just past two in the afternoon. We left Cardiff at eleven. This time next year, this exact day, I’m coming back here. I’m going to pack a picnic basket and go all the way up to the top of Pen y Fan. I’ll set off from Cardiff at the same time. And I’m going to do it the year after, as well. Every first of May. No matter what day of the week it is. No matter how bloody horrible the weather is. I’m going up this mountain and nothing on Earth is going to stop me.’

  It took him a few seconds to realise what she was getting at. ‘With the other Mick?’

  ‘No. I’m not saying we won’t ever climb that hill together. But when I go up it on the first of May, I’ll be on my own.’ She looked levelly at Mick. ‘And you’ll do it alone as well. You’ll find someone new, I’m sure of it. But whoever she is will have to give you that one day to yourself. So that you and I can have it to ourselves.’

  ‘We won’t be able to communicate. We won’t even know the other one’s stuck to the plan.’

  ‘Yes,’ Andrea said firmly. ‘We will. Because it’s going to be a promise, all right? The most important one either of us has ever made in our whole lives. That way we’ll know. Each of us will be in our own universe, or worldline, or whatever you call it. But we’ll both be standing on the same Welsh mountain. We’ll both be looking at the same view. And I’ll be thinking of you, and you’ll be thinking of me.’

  Mick ran a stiff hand through Andrea’s hair. He couldn’t get his fingers to work very well now.

  ‘You really mean that, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course I mean it. But I’m not promising anything unless you agree to your half of it. Would you promise, Mick?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I will.’

  ‘I wish I could think of something better. I could say we’d always meet in the park. But there’ll be people around; it won’t feel private. I want the silence, the isolation, so I can feel your presence. And one day they might tear down the park and put a shopping centre there instead. But the mountain will always be there. At least as long as we’re around.’

  ‘And when we get old? Shouldn’t we agree to stop climbing the mountain, when we get to a certain age?’

  ‘There you go again,’ Andrea said. ‘Decide for yourself. I’m going to keep climbing this thing until they put me in a box. I expect nothing less from you, Mick Leighton.’

  He made the best smile he was capable of. ‘Then . . . I’ll just have to do my best, won’t I?’

  FRIDAY

  In the morning Mick was paraplegic. The nervelink still worked perfectly, but the rate of data transmission from one worldline to the other had become too low to permit anything as complex and feedback-dependent as walking. His control over the body’s fingers had become so clumsy that his hands might as well have been wearing boxing gloves. He could hold something if it was presented to him, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to manipulate simple objects, even those that had presented no difficulty twenty-four hours earlier. When he tried to grasp the breakfast yoghurt, he succeeded only in tipping it over the table. His hand had seemed to lurch towards the yoghurt, crossing the distance too quickly. According to Joe he had lost depth perception overnight. The glasses, sensing the dwindling data rate, were no longer sending stereoscopic images back to the lab.

  He could still move around. The team had anticipated this stage and made sure an electric wheelchair was ready for him. Its chunky controls were designed to be used by someone with only limited upper body coordination. The chair was equipped with a panic button, so that Mick could summon help if he felt his control slipping faster than the predicted rate. Were he to fall into sudden and total paralysis, the chair would call out to passers-by to provide assistance. In the event of an extreme medical emergency, it would steer itself to the nearest designated care point.

  Andrea came out to the laboratory to meet him. Mick wanted one last trip into the city with her, but although she’d been enthusiastic when they’d talked about the plan on the phone, Andrea was now reluctant.

  ‘Are you sure about this? We had such a nice time on Thursday. It would be a shame to spoil the memory of that now.’

  ‘I’m okay,’ Mick said.

  ‘I’m just saying, we could always just stroll around the gardens here.’

  ‘Please,’ Mick said. ‘This is what . . . I want.’

  His voice was slow, his phrasing imprecise. He sounded drunk and depressed. If Andrea noticed - and he was sure she must have - she made no observation.

  They went into town. It was difficult getting the wheelchair on the tram, even with Andrea’s assistance. No one seemed to know how to lower the boarding ramp. One of the benefits of nervelink technology was that you didn’t see that many people in wheelchairs any more. The technology that enabled one person to control another person’s body also enabled spinal injuries to be bypassed. Mick was aware that he was attracting more attention than on any previous day. For most people wheelchairs were a medical horror from the past, like iron lungs or leg braces.

  On the tram’s video monitor he watched a news item about the Polish miners. It wasn’t good. The rescue team had had a number of options available to them, involving at least three possible routes to the trapped men. After carefully evaluating all the data - aware of how little time remained for the victims - they’d chosen what had promised to be the quickest and safest approach.

  It had turned out to be a mistake, one that would prove fatal for the miners. The rescuers had hit a flooded section and had been forced to retreat, with damage to their equipment, and one of their team injured. Yet the miners had been saved in one of the other contacted worldlines. In that reality, one of the members of the rescue team had slipped on ice and fractured his hip while boarding the plane. The loss of that one man - who’d been a vocal proponent for taking the quickest route - had resulted in the team following the second course. It had turned out to be the right decision. They’d met their share of obstacles and difficulties, but in the end they’d broken through to the trapped miners.

  By the time this happened, contact with that worldline had almost been lost. Even the best compression methods couldn’t cope with moving images. The pictures that came back, of the men being liberated from the ground, were grainy and monochrome, like a blow-up of newsprint from a hundred years earlier. They’d been squeezed across the gap in the last minutes before noise drowned the signal.

  But the information was useless. Even armed with the knowledge that there was a safe route through to the miners, the team in this worldline didn’t have time to act.

  The news didn’t help Mick’s mood. Going into the city turned out to be exactly the bad move Andrea had predicted. By midday his motor control had deteriorated even further, to the point where he was having difficulty steering the wheelchair. His speech became increasingly slurred, so that Andrea had to keep asking him to repeat himself. In defence, he shut down into monosyllables. Even his hearing was beginning to fail, as the auditory data was compressed to an even more savage degree. He couldn’t distinguish birds from traffic, or traffic from the swish of the trees in the park. When Andrea spoke to him she sounded like her words had been fed through a synthesiser, then chopped up and spliced back together in some tinny approximation of her normal voice.

  At t
hree, his glasses could no longer support full colour vision. The software switched to a limited colour palette. The city looked like a hand-tinted photograph, washed out and faded. Andrea’s face oscillated between white and sickly grey.

  By four, Mick was fully quadriplegic. By five, the glasses had reverted back to black and white. The frame rate was down to ten images per second, and falling.

  By early evening, Andrea was no longer able to understand what Mick was saying. Mick realised that he could no longer reach the panic button. He became agitated, thrashing his head around. He’d had enough. He wanted to be pulled out of the nervelink, slammed back into his own waiting body. He no longer felt as if he was in Mick’s body, but he didn’t feel as if he was in his own either. He was strung out somewhere between them, helpless and almost blind. When the panic hit, it was like a foaming, irresistible tide.