by Lauren Wood
“I’m returning to my past. I thought that I would never step forth into that town again. It’s not like I have bad memories, but I knew that I had to get out. I’m sure that a lot of people go through that kind of thing in their lives. My only regret is that I left behind the woman that captured my heart. I couldn’t tell her and I thought that it made me weak to feel anything at such a young and impressionable age. I’m only 24 years old, but I already feel like I’ve lived a lifetime without her.” Bailey couldn’t help, but to look at this woman’s long legs projecting from a short black leather skirt. It left very little to the imagination.
Normally, he would be all over that in a New York second, but this time it was different. She was being kind and considerate and he was taking advantage of her good graces. There were lingering thoughts of the sexual variety, but it was better that he keep it in his pants this time around. He had already gotten his rocks off with the girl this morning. For the last 15 hours it was like one continuous sexual position after another.
“I would say looking at your posture and the way that your eyes light up when you look at that photo that she has never been that far away from you. She may not know that you have this secret longing, but it’s pretty clear to those that have an eye for these things.” She saw this man and she felt a pain of jealousy toward the woman that she didn’t even know. Whoever the girl was that had gotten underneath Bailey’s skin had made a permanent mark on him like a life sized tattoo. His body may be used for pleasure, but his mind and his heart belonged to somebody else. “Let me guess. You’ve tried to call her, but every time that she picks up you would slam down the phone. You probably consider yourself a coward, but really you’re just a man.”
It wasn’t her plunging blouse or the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra, but it was her kind eyes and the way that she allowed him to bend her ear that had him talking to her most of the flight.
“I wish that there was a way that I could have my cake and eat it too. I’m sure by now that she’s moved on and most likely married with children. I was terrified of trying to find out. I literally cut myself off from those people that might be in the know. Friends that I had promised to stay in touch with were left right after prom night. I don’t want to know that she’s happy, but I want her to be happy. I know that that sounds foolish and makes me look petty and vindictive, but I’m really not. I will say that I enjoy the company of a woman, but sex is entirely different from the kind of love that I shared with Lynn.” He couldn’t believe that he was actually talking about this to a stranger. It was probably better this way and it was almost like he was getting some necessary therapy to heal a broken heart.
“I’m going to give you some advice. If I was anybody else, I would tell you to move on and hopefully move on to getting me into your bed. I would be remiss if I didn’t say something. You may have let this go a little too long, but that doesn’t mean all is lost. You never know what you’re going to find. Sometimes all it takes is a huge declaration of love to get your point across. If I were you, I would go to her and plead your case. Beg her forgiveness for not allowing your love to bloom. You were young and you didn’t know what you had until you were missing it. Believe me, I had one ex husband exactly like that, but I couldn’t get over his constant carousing and drinking to excess.”
Bailey had found out that this woman’s name was Marcia and for some reason he felt like he had found his best friend all over again. He had never had any friends of the opposite sex before, but maybe there was room to change things. It would be nice to have the unbiased view of a woman that knew how a woman’s mind worked. Having that kind of information should be in the vest pocket of every man and he had the opportunity to see things through the female perspective.
“I really don’t know how to thank you for this. You’ve given me a lot to think about, but I’m still not sure that I’m willing to crash into her life. She may not even want to see me and it’s possible that she has a life outside of pining for me. How can I possibly believe for a second that I had that much an affect on her? I think that I will play it casual and see how things play out.” He could see that she was shaking her head in disbelief. “I know… I know that it’s the coward’s way of doing something, but I just don’t know if I want to risk my heart for something that is unattainable.
“When you feel that hope is gone, then all you have to do is run into her arms. I have this feeling that she’s going to be there for you, but I can’t tell you what to do. I am going to give you my card with my phone number on it. I would really like to know how everything works out. It’s been refreshing to get to know you on a more intellectual level instead of just a physical one. I don’t think that I ever had a male friend that I didn’t sleep with. It a little hard to adjust to, but I think I’ll live.” They continued to converse and it was almost like they had found a kindred spirit. There were no feelings other than a deep affection for one another.
Bailey did finally fall asleep and in that instant there was that memory of their final night together. The soft kisses under the moonlight and her hand lingering along the left side of his leg had kept him on the edge of his seat.
“Bailey, you’ve always been there for me, but I think it’s time I let you go. I know about your contract and how important it is to you for making this pastime your career. I will not stand in your way. I will not ask you for anything that you can’t give me freely and willingly. I will say that I will always love you and no matter where we are and what we find each other doing, I will always look towards the sky and see your face in the stars.”
“I don’t know what to say, Lynn. The only thing that comes to mind is that you will always hold a special spot in my heart. I would never try to force you to leave those that you love with everything in your being. I know that your mother is sick and that leaving is not an option. I was willing to stay and stick it out with you, until the end, but I don’t think that I can let this opportunity pass me by. I’m glad that you understand, but I don’t really think that you know how hard it is for me to let you go.”
Bailey was sitting in first class with the drone of the engine of the airplane underneath him, but he had essentially gone back in time. This was the one moment in his life that he wanted to do over. What he should have said was that he wanted to make this work and that long distance romances didn’t have to be the death knell.
“We’ve had a wonderful time together and the feelings that we have shared have been mutual. I look at you and I know that you are the kind of man that I’ve been searching for all of my life. You’re that fantasy of a wedding in white. You’re that picket fence with the kids, but I’m not sure that is what you want. I could tell you what to do, but I don’t want to be that woman in your life. You already have too many people telling you what you should do. There are too many cooks in the kitchen.”
“I thought that I had all the time in the world, but now time is slipping through my fingers. I want to tell you that I will come back for you and that I will have a ring on bended knee to give you. I really don’t know what the future holds and sometimes this kind of love can get lost. I’m not going to tie you down. I don’t want you to think that you need to wait for me with a light on over the porch. I do have deep feelings for you, but my main focus is to help my family rise above poverty. I can help them do that and I have an obligation to my family that I can’t shirk.” He couldn’t say three little words.
Bailey’s body was in the present, but his mind was still playing over the many facets of the best and the worst time of his life. It had to have something to do with coming back home after all this time that had stirred things to the surface.
“I don’t care if you say it back, but I do love you with all of my heart, Bailey. I know that I’m young and I probably don’t know what that word means, but I think I do. It’s that feeling of not being around you and waking up in the middle of the night to see that you’re not with me. There’s this deep and residing ache from knowing that I can�
��t keep you from leaving. I’m giving you permission to move on. You have no idea how hard it is for me to say that with a straight face and mean it.”
“I know that this is hard, but maybe we can make the time that we have left count for something. I know that I have never pressured you into anything, but I think that we deserve this one moment to treasure forever. Let me show you what you’ve been missing. Let me be the one that you measure all others against. I know that I’m asking a lot, but I’m hoping that you can trust me.” It was the last thing that he said before the jolting reminder of the plane touching down on the tarmac.
Chapter 4
At that precise time, Lynn was lamenting over the past and looking towards Timothy playing in the backyard. She sat there relaxing after a hard day’s work. I wasn’t exactly true, but there was a lot more weighing on her mind than just the obituaries. She had dug out her old life back when she was in high school. The old flame known as Bailey was very much right there in her face. Photos of them looking in love and making everybody jealous around them were something that seemed like a lifetime ago.
“Mom, you are not even listening to me.” Timothy was telling his mother about his day and there was this faraway look in her eyes like she wasn’t even on this planet. He imagined that she was some kind of clone and that she was taken over by some alien. It would’ve been so cool to be part of anything science fiction, but he knew the difference between what was real and what wasn’t. “I was telling you about how I stood up to my bully. He punched me in the eye, but I tackled him and brought him down onto the ground. I did exactly what you told me to do and it worked. I got his respect. I don’t think I’m gonna have any more problems with him.” He walked over to his mother and put his hand gently on her shoulder. There was a tear in her eyes like she had lost her best friend. “I never want to see you cry. Whoever is making you feel this way, you tell me and I’ll make sure that they never do it again.” Timothy was always protective of his mother and there was a strong bond between them that could not be broken by anybody.
“I’m glad to hear that you didn’t let it get out of hand. I think it’s a known fact that once a bully feels that the person that they’re picking on is standing up for themselves they will back down. It’s not always the case, but mostly they are insecure little boys that haven’t had the kind of upbringing that you have. I’ve done everything I can to shelter you, but I know that I have to let go. You need room to spread your wings and become the man that you’re going to become.” Lynn touched her son’s hand and she remembered the day that he was born. His little hand reaching out and grasping onto her finger had made it impossible for her to let him go.
“You’ve always been good with dispensing advice, mom. I just want you to know that I will always be there to listen to you. There will be never a time that comes that I will forget about how you sacrificed for me. I will love you, until the day that I die and that’s a promise that I intend to keep.” He got a huge hug in response and at first it made him feel uncomfortable, but he soon realized that this was his mother’s way of holding onto the dream of keeping him a little boy for as long as possible.
Lynn let him go. She was probably suffocating him. Pressing him to her chest was a little bit too much for a kid that was growing up a little bit too quickly for her liking. She knew that she was going to have to see Mandy. It was not a conversation that she was looking forward to. She had sent her a voice message, thankful that she didn’t pick up when she called. She got another voice message back saying that they could meet at the old diner on Main Street. Amazingly, it was still standing after all this time. It had changed hands two times and the first owner had died of an unexpected heart attack while doing what he loved. He was cooking in the kitchen when he was overcome and collapsed. He was dead before he hit the ground with a massive coronary.
Lynn saw the letters and she read each individual one at least a few times over the years. Bailey was quite the wordsmith and most people didn’t know that he could string a sentence together. He was considered to be that heavy handed jock that pretty much had nothing going on between the ears. She had known differently and there was a sweet and compassionate man underneath the hard muscles that made her weak kneed and gave her something to think about for the future. She still looked back and wondered why Bailey even gave her the time of day. It wasn’t like he didn’t have his pick of the litter and women were practically drooling over him from the moment that he became quite the football star on the field.
It wasn’t just the letters, but it was also her articles back in the day that had her wondering what would have happened had she been able to satisfy her yearning for adventure. She knew that she wouldn’t give up Timothy for the world, but that didn’t make her any less anxious to change things for the better. Five years had gone by in the blink of an eye. She wanted to believe that she could keep him that same small baby that would cry out for her in the middle of the night. She didn’t want to think about him in his teenage years and the way that his dimples would have women waiting for their chance to get their hooks into him. She could only teach him respect for women.
Lynn looked over towards the light of her life. She had to place her hand up to her heart to realize how much he meant to her. The articles and that dream of taking the world by storm was only a pipe dream. She knew that many people changed professions later in life, but she felt like she was stuck and there was no way out. Holden had given her that lifeline when she was drowning in debt and thinking that there was no way out from underneath it.
Over the years she had gotten these very infuriating phone calls from a man breathing on the other end. The last time was a month ago and she screamed bloody murder into the receiver to try to get a necessary reaction. She had no way of knowing that those phone calls were coming not only on the anniversary of her first date with Bailey, but also on other dates that had become important to them. All she knew at the time was this disembodied breathless sound on the other end of the line was causing her sleepless nights. She didn’t want to think that she had a stalker, but it was the only thing that made any sense. She kind of founded it strangely endearing that somebody would take the time an effort to try to tell her their intentions without coming out and saying it.
“I know that you’re having a good time, Timothy, but we really do need to get inside for supper. We’re having your favorite, spaghetti and meatballs with some my special seasoning on top. I know how you like it spicy and you are exactly like your father.” Lynn saw the look in Timothy’s eyes and knew that there were questions that she was not ready to answer. “Please god…don’t let him ask me that one question. I know that he’s curious, but I don’t want him to think that his father will come riding in on his white steed to rescue us both from this mundane existence. He’s out of the picture. It was a fleeting moment that I used to regret. The only thing I don’t regret is what came of it. I can’t imagine being this damn happy and not having a father figure to show him how to shave and to catch a ball. He has never been the least bit curious, but I know that eventually he’s going to ask. I’m not going to be the one to bring it up, but I won’t begrudge him the chance to know where he came from. I thought I put it to rest.”
“Mom, I know that I’ve been hard on those couple of men that you’ve dated, but I never did believe they were good enough for you. The way they looked at you had me wanting to punch the both of them square in the nose. I do want you to find someone and I would never try to take away your happiness. I just think that we’ve done amazing on our own. We don’t need anybody and the only thing that we need is each other.” Timothy wanted to say something about his father, but being abandoned and left to be raised by his mother made him feel that there was nothing to talk about. He never did know his father before his passing. He never needed a father figure.
“I appreciate your concern for my love life, Timmy. Those that I date in the future will have to know that we are a combined package.” “I want to find the love that
will keep me smiling into my twilight years. Those two men that my son talks about were looking not to get tied down. One mention I had a son and it was like I was screaming fire in the middle of the theater. They raced out with their pants ablaze and that cardboard cutout metaphorically making a shape of their bodies running through the door. If I really wanted to see if anybody was serious enough to make a commitment, all I had to do was announce my dirty little secret. Not one stuck around long enough. They were always polite, but made the necessary excuse to end the night abruptly.”
“I just never want to see you lose your smile.” Timothy took his mother’s hand and they walked into the house with Lynn holding the box of memories underneath her arm.
Lynn looked down at this little joy in her life and she knew that she had done one good thing. It had cost her dearly and the sacrifice was something that she thought she would never have to do. She had promised her mother on her dying breath that she would never find herself lost in the dark. Her mother told her to be her own light and not allow any man to hold her down from her dream. Lynn had never thought for a moment that any man could make her lose that part of herself, but it did happen. The father of Timothy had taken her breath away and made her think that anything was possible. She looked back on the way that he made her feel and it caused her to swallow hard at the realization that she had given up too soon. “Timothy’s father will always be special to me. He gave me something. I don’t think that I could be any grateful. I only wish that he was here right now. He could make things all right with just a smile. I want him to know how he grew up, but there’s no way that he can be here for him. I told him that his father cared for him deeply and that his death was quite sudden. I carry his memory in my heart and in the small locket that I wear on a necklace around my neck.”
