She had strayed from her original dream, and now she made a vow she would always keep. “There is nothing for me here in London,” she said. “I will never fall in love, nor will I complete my book. Stories are nothing more than fiction, and although stories end in happiness at times, reality ends in heartbreak, and the pain is worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I will never put myself in that position again.”
Isabel drew her into her, and Hannah wept as the carriage continued its journey through the streets of London. Her purpose tonight had been to find the man she loved, but now she wanted nothing more than to never see him again.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The wine helped sooth the trembling brought on by her sadness and anger, but it did little to ease the pain in her heart. Hannah sat in the drawing room before a roaring fire, and she stared at the dancing flames without seeing them. Isabel had gone to bed twenty minutes earlier leaving Hannah alone with her thoughts. Thoughts of the happy expectations she had held for her life. Thoughts of John asking for her hand in marriage. Of them dancing together at parties. Of them dining together with her mother. Of her completing her book.
However, the opportunity for such events happening had passed. She would return home with her mother next week and never return to London, or leave Scarlett Hall ever again, for coming to London had been a mistake. She had been right all along; love had no place in her life. All she had was her writing, and that would have to do.
The door opened, and her mother entered the room, a book in her hand. She walked over and poured herself a glass of wine before joining Hannah on the couch.
“Isabel informed me of this evening’s events,” her mother said as she glanced at the fire. “I am sorry for your heartbreak.”
“It was foolish for me to come here,” Hannah said with a sigh. “The season is not the place one goes to fulfill one’s dreams, but rather one of hurt. It is where dreams end and the truth reveals itself.”
“And what truth is that?”
“That love does not exist. Men seek their own carnal pleasure and will say anything in order to assuage it.”
“His Grace is not that way,” her mother said. “Nor is…”
A sudden burst of anger had Hannah jump from her seat. “Do you not see what you have done to me?” she shouted, unable to keep the hateful words from tumbling from her lips, her ire was so great.
“And what have I done?” her mother asked, her face full of sorrow.
However, Hannah would not allow the woman to play her games. “You promised that the season would be one of happiness for me! I wanted to remain at Scarlett Hall because I knew that something such as this would happen. I wish I had never come!” She knew she was acting like a child, but she could not help herself. If a tantrum was what it took to release her hurt, then as a child she would behave! Otherwise, she would explode if she kept her feelings bottled inside.
“Until tonight, you were pleased you came,” her mother said. Hannah wondered how she could remain calm in the face of her daughter’s anger. “You spoke of your love for John, your dream of completing and publishing your novel. Do you no longer want either of those things?”
Hannah gave a mocking laugh. “How could I write about something that does not exist?” she demanded.
“Tell me what happened,” her mother said. “Concerning John.”
Hannah sighed and sat beside her mother. “It began when I first met him…”
She poured out her heart, explaining how she had been intrigued by him, how he had used her love of reading to get to her, lying in the process, and ending with their first kiss at the circus. She felt a sense of relief when she finished.
“And tonight, learning what I had about Miss Harding and Miss Oakley, well, I knew he could never love me. He has lied to so many women, how can I possibly trust that he is not lying to me?
Her mother sighed. “I understand the heartache you are enduring. In time, you will heal from it, I promise. I do not expect you to meet another man anytime soon, but in time you will learn from this. Furthermore, the season is long and far from over. Why give up now?”
Hannah shook her head. “I will return with you to Scarlett Hall and never leave again.”
“I see,” her mother said before taking a sip of her wine. “And your dream of publishing? Are you willing to leave that here in London, as well? And what of John? Do you wish to never see him again?”
The latter question made her pause as a familiar longing flashed inside her. However, she pushed it aside. “May I return?” she demanded.
Her mother placed her glass on the table. “I want to give you something.” She thrust the book she had brought with her into Hannah’s hands.
“What is this?”
“An unfinished dream,” her mother said as tears filled her eyes. “A young woman once wrote a story and never finished it.”
“You wrote a novel?” Hannah asked in shock as she opened the book. It had no title, but she flipped through the pages of fine penmanship until she reached the end. “Why did you not complete it?”
Her mother winced as if in pain and took Hannah’s hand. “My reasons do not matter. What does matter is, like you, I have always loved books. You may not believe this, but I also had a dream of publishing a book.”
Hannah gasped. “I never knew! Mother, that is wonderful!”
Her mother gazed at the fireplace. “It was a beautiful dream, I admit, but such aspirations were considered that of a wallflower.” She chuckled. “Perhaps I could have been considered a wallflower back in my younger years.”
Her mother, a wallflower? Hannah could not imagine her mother ever being thought of in such a manner. “I do not believe it,” she whispered. “Not you.”
Her mother smiled as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “Oh, but it is true,” she said. “However, that is not the point. You see, when we put our words to paper, they are more than words that echo our heart. They are our dreams, our love, our passion transferred to the page.”
Hannah nodded. “I have thought of it in the same way,” she said, still unable to believe her mother had once felt as she.
“If you decide not to seek having your novel published, I will not force you to do so. However, you must finish your book. Do not give up on your dreams, for you will regret them forever.” The words were spoken with such pain, Hannah thought her heart would burst.
She sighed. “How can I write a story about love when I cannot experience such in life? A couple who is happy and in love? It does not exist, or at least it does not exist for me.”
“But it does. However, it is not easily attained. Will you at least think about completing it? Do what I never did and fulfill your dream.”
Hannah sat staring down at the book in her hands. If this was what her mother wanted for her, she would agree. “I will,” she replied.
When she attempted to return the book to her mother, the woman pushed it back. “No, you keep it. My gift to you.”
Hannah held the book against her breast. “Thank you,” she said. “I will cherish it.” They were silent for a moment, and she flipped through the pages once more. “Concerning your return journey? May I join you next week if I decide to do so?”
Her mother stood. “Forbes and I will be leaving Tuesday morning. You decide what you believe is best for you. But I ask one thing that you must do.”
“Yes, of course.”
“You spoke of John running away from his problems?”
Hannah nodded.
“As you have now seen, the past will catch up to you. If you believe leaving London will solve your heartache, then you may join us. However, do not do it simply to run away from your problems. But the decision is yours.”
Without another word, her mother left the room, and Hannah sat staring at the book. Perhaps her mother was right. Running away had not served John well, and it would do her no better.”
***
Rogue. That was the word that had de
fined John a good portion of his life. A man who sought his own pleasures without regard for what impact such actions would have on the women he pursued. A man who led any woman to believe his intentions were more than the simple kiss he received in return.
Love. That word described quite well his feelings for Miss Hannah Lambert. Never in his life would he had thought he would fall in love, and yet, here he was. And how much he wanted to watch that love grow!
Unfortunately, his actions from the past had finally caught up with him. If he were the only affected party, he could endure the consequences. However, the woman he loved had felt the repercussion of his mistakes, and that had been more than he could manage, for it had crushed his heart as much as it had hers.
When Hannah had said goodbye, he knew she intended it to be forever; that she wished to never see him again. That alone caused his heart to ache all the more. How he wished he would have told her the truth from the beginning. She was a kind, understanding woman, and surely she would have seen that he had changed from the rogue he once was. Now, however, it was too late.
The last few days since his world had come crashing down had crept by, each moment sluggish, and each time he thought of her was more agonizing than the time before. He had attempted to write letters, and each attempt failed to express the words he wished to share. None said enough, expressed enough, of his regret for what he had done.
The party at the home of his cousin was to be held the following evening. John had looked forward to attending, to be in Hannah’s presence the entire night. Now, he knew he would not be welcome. If he could have just a few moments with her, all would be well. If she had the opportunity to see what was truly in his heart, perhaps she would forgive him.
Sighing, he swept the paper off the desk, upturning the inkwell in the process. He paid it no heed. What good came with crying over spilled ink? He gave a weak chuckled at his mind’s attempt at humor; he was not in the mood for jokes.
The sound of raised voices had him turn toward the door. Who could be calling today? He was not expecting any guests, and he prayed that Mary and her mother had not returned.
As he rose from his chair, Chambers entered with a hasty bow. “His Grace…”
He was unable to finish the announcement as Laurence swept past the poor butler, his face red and scowling. The man was irate, indeed! Never had he seen his cousin so angry. John barely took notice of Chambers bowing and leaving the room. Somehow, he envied the butler.
Caution, that was what John needed to take at the moment. “If you would allow me to explain…”
Laurence reached out and grabbed John by the lapels and slammed him against the wall, forcing all his breath from John’s body. “You have broken that poor girl’s heart!” he shouted, his breath hot on John’s face. “I spoke of your honor, of your integrity, and Isabel believed me! You have shamed me beyond belief, beyond anything I could have ever fathomed!”
John struggled to regain his breath, but he managed to sputter, “I-I know! I am sorry! Please, let me explain!” Laurence narrowed his eyes. Was he readying himself to strike John? “Please! I beg of you! Just give me a moment and I will tell you everything.”
“You are family,” Laurence said in a low, seething tone, “therefore, I will listen. However, know this. You are never welcome at my home again! Is that clear?”
John nodded, and Laurence released him. He took a deep breath in an attempt to regain his composure. “Until the day I met Hannah, I was not a gentleman. In fact, I was a horrible excuse for a human being. I spent many hours in the company of women in a manner that I should not. I came to London to escape. You see, I had promised Lady Harding that I would marry her daughter.”
Laurence’s scowl deepened. “That is not a promise given lightly.”
“Yes, you are right,” John replied. “However, I was frantic and spoke out of turn.” He explained what had happened on that fateful day, which turned into a full-fledged confession of his life before meeting Hannah.
“Mary told me she has no interest in me, that, in fact, she has her sights on another man. Therefore, I sent her mother on a trail that would lead her to him. Mary will be happy, her mother will be pleased, and I will be free to return to Hannah. I swear on everything I have that I love her. Do you not see? The woman has changed me for the better!”
Laurence walked over to one of the wing backed chairs and placed his hands on the back. “Isabel changed me,” he said in a voice so low, John had to strain to hear. “I was a much different man than I am now.” He turned to face John. “What do you propose to do?”
“I wish only to speak to Hannah once more. To bare my soul to her. If, after she learns the entire truth, she wishes to never see me again, I cannot lie, it will crush me. However, I swear upon my title of Marquess that I will never bother her, or anyone else, again. Regardless of her answer, I am finished with my old ways.”
“Do you truly mean this?”
“I do,” John replied as he drew himself up to his full height and jutted his chin. “I swear that if she rejects my apology, I will leave for the remainder of the season so there is no chance she is hurt further by seeing me again.”
Laurence seemed to study him for a moment. “You do love her,” he said. “I can see no lie.”
“That is because I do love her,” John said. He reached into his coat pocket. “It is why I wished to ask for her hand in marriage. That is, until…” He could not get himself to speak of the atrocity of what had happened one more time.
Laurence reached out and placed his hand on John’s shoulder, but this time it was not done in anger. “I apologize for my conduct,” he said. “You can understand my anger concerning Hannah.”
“Trust me; I understand,” John replied with a chuckle. “I would have done the same.”
“We are still family. At the worst of times, we must stand together. Therefore, this is what I propose you do.”
“Yes, anything,” John said eagerly. And it was the truth; he would do anything if it gave him the opportunity to speak to Hannah.
“Tomorrow evening, arrive late to the party. By that time, Hannah will be immersed in the goings-on. We will arrange for you to speak to her in private.” He pointed a finger at John. “You must swear to me you will be honest and tell her everything.”
“You have my word.”
Laurence squeezed his shoulder. “Very well, then. I shall see you tomorrow evening.”
John nodded, and as Laurence walked to the door, John called out to his cousin once more. “Thank you,” he said. “For believing in me when it seems no one else will.”
Laurence smiled. “Let us hope Hannah believes you, as well.”
A moment later, he was gone, and John returned to his desk, his thoughts on the party. This was his one and only chance to tell Hannah that he truly loved her. If she denied him, if she rejected him, he feared what life would be like without her.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The party had begun well over an hour earlier, and Hannah remained long enough to greet the guests before stealing away to her room. She tried her best effort to enjoy the festivities, but she could not fend off the loneliness she endured without John. Now, as she sat at the edge of her bed in the glow of the single candle, she allowed the memory of her last encounter with him to enter her mind.
The truth of the matter was, she had been unfair to John. Her heart had been broken, just as it was now, and her anger and hurt made her ignore his apology. Furthermore, when she had confronted him concerning Lady Oakley, he very well could have lied; however, rather than doing so, he had told the truth, even if it caused her pain. Or at least some variation of the truth, for what kind of woman would kiss a man of her own accord?
She sat up. Had it not been she who had initiated the kiss at the circus? Could it have been true that Miss Oakley had done the same? Even if it was true, however, that did not excuse what he had done to Miss Mary Harding. How could he promise marriage and then simply run off? So man
y questions! What she needed was to speak to him, now that the wound was not as fresh, in order to learn what exactly had transpired. Where it would go from there, she was uncertain, but it was a start.
The fact was, as much as her heart hurt, and although she had sworn off love—this time for good!—she had to admit that she still loved him. Would that love make her foolish enough to love him again? Her mind raced in confusion as a light tap came to the door and Isabel entered.
“Do you wish to remain here all night and leave me to care for our guests alone?” Isabel teased. She sat beside Hannah. “What are you doing here?”
“Thinking,” Hannah replied.
Isabel laughed. “Thinking? Thinking of what?”
Hannah sighed. “Of John and what we had. I do not know what to do concerning him.”
“Do you wish to see him again?”
“If only to learn the truth,” Hannah replied with a nod. “I cannot help but wonder if he is truly repentant of his deeds. That perhaps he has changed. I am unsure what to do.”
“Allow me to tell you a secret,” Isabel said. “Laurence went to speak to him yesterday, and he believes John is remorseful. He says he believes John’s actions in the past were not that of a gentleman, but that he is sincere in his repentance.”
Hannah could not help but smile as a glimmer of hope returned. “I hope that is true.”
“He will be in attendance tonight. Laurence told him that, if you are willing to listen, he may explain what happened. Is that what you want?”
Hannah thought of her dreams. There was a great risk of being hurt once again, but she needed this one last opportunity to hear what he had to say. “Yes, I am willing to listen.”
“Good,” Isabel said as she patted Hannah’s hand. “I shall see you in a moment downstairs.”
Hannah nodded, and when her sister left the room, she went to the mirror and smiled at her reflection. She had worn a new blue gown made of velvet with silver threading and white lace. Then her eyes fell on the new butterfly clip, and she added it to the elegant coiffure Sally had done for her. The sapphires twinkled in the light of the candle, and she smiled all the more. Tonight, she would speak to John and perhaps take another chance at love.
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