by Toni Aleo
“What the hell is going on here? I don’t understand. Why—”
But Ma cuts me off. “I’m dying, Lena.”
The air rushes out of me as my da and Declan look away. “The tumor is pressing on the nerves in my head, and they aren’t sure they can get it out. I could die today, and you are the only woman who can hold up this family’s name and my obligations until I am better or I die—”
“Noreen, please.”
“It’s the feckin’ truth, Ivor, and you know it. She needs to know. What did Declan tell ya? I’m sick, come home?”
Tears are gathering in my eyes. “Yeah.”
“Well, it’s more than that. It’s time to stop acting like a carefree teenager and be the woman you were raised to be.”
But I don’t want to be that woman.
“Ma, I can—”
“There is no can’t,” Declan says. “We all have a job to do, Lena. I have to run this family’s business, Da is to worry for Ma, and yer to be the face.”
“A beautiful face when it’s clean,” Ma adds, but I shake my head.
“But yer fine!” I yell, holding my hand out to her. “I mean—”
“I’m not fine.”
“But—”
Da steps closer to me. “She’ll have surgery as soon as they can stabilize her blood pressure, but until then, she can’t leave these grounds. She doesn’t want to have tea with anyone because—”
His words drop off, and Ma rolls her eyes. “’Cause I look like feckin’ Quasimodo, and I refuse to let anyone see me like this.”
I want to help my ma, I do. I want to be everything she thinks I am, but I can’t shake the fear in my heart. “But can’t we just put everything on hold? I mean, she’ll be fine. Everyone can wait.”
My family looks away then, and my heart drops once more. We shouldn’t be doing this. Ma is so young. “We don’t know. The surgery is risky.”
My stomach drops. “But, Declan, she’ll be fine, right?”
He shrugs. “Ah, Lena, don’t make me answer that.”
I shake my head. “I need an answer.”
He can’t answer me. It is my da who says, “They gave us a sixty percent chance of survival if the surgery is successful.”
My gaze meets my ma’s, and she shrugs. “So that leaves you,” she says, her eyes holding mine. “You’s the only one that can do this Lena. It’s time. We’ve let ya have yer fun. Now, it’s time.”
It’s time?
I’m not ready.
“But—”
“No buts, Lena. It’s done. You will do what yer supposed to.”
I close my eyes as the tears leak out the sides. I don’t want my ma to die. I don’t want to be here either. There is only one of her, but dammit, I had finally gotten out from underneath the feckin’ pressure she put on me. Now, I am back, and I don’t know what to do.
I really have no choice.
Looking to Declan, I plead with him. “Trade me? I’ll run the business, you be the face?”
He scoffs as he shakes his head. “Lena, we both know I wasn’t groomed to do this. Ya were.”
He’s right, I was.
Doesn’t mean I want to, though.
I’m back in my room, and I hate it.
Leaning against the door, I look around and see that absolutely nothing has changed. It should make me happy, but it doesn’t. Wiping my tears since I can’t seem to stop crying, I glance at the window Casey used to crawl through to come see me when my parents wouldn’t let me out. I had to pay three hundred bobs to one of the security guys to allow that to happen. It was good for a bit, but then Casey got too handsy, and at the time, I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex.
Well, that ship sailed….
Blew up…
And burned…
Eh. That girl was an angel and actually the perfect replacement for my ma. Now, though, I’m not even sure I’m good enough for myself. God, I had such motivation to be everything my ma was. Was she overbearing? Oh, yes, but she was immaculate and beautiful. She’d walk into a room, and people would hush at her beauty and grace. She was harsh, but usually, what she said needed to be said. I wanted so much to be just like her. I don’t know how I lost my way so drastically.
Well, I actually do know…
That night still haunts me. I wanted so badly for Casey to love me. I begged him, told him how much he meant to me, even knowing I’d never be able to marry him. Maybe he knew that too, and it was why he never told me how he really felt about me. I don’t know and probably never will. I wanted to be loved by him, which was why I took that drink he offered me. As an heir to a whiskey distillery, it wasn’t my first drink by far, but when I drank my da’s whiskey, it was with him and in sips.
It wasn’t like that with Casey.
I was downing the drinks. Throwing back shots and getting a wee bit wild. That night must have been a preview of the six-month bender I’ve just been on, because thinking back, I can’t help but laugh. Exactly as I had wanted then, I want the same now—to feel safe and secure. To be loved and not to feel. Now, though, I wish I hadn’t done it. I wish I had told him I wasn’t in the mood to drink. Maybe then I wouldn’t have woken up on the front lawn with my knickers at my ankles and bite marks up my thighs.
Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like I’m worthless.
That isn’t the case, unfortunately.
Fuck, I need a drink.
I turn to leave without even unpacking, but before I can, a knock comes to my door. Making a face, I pull the door open to see Declan standing on the other side. He looks at me, and I look at him.
“Ya gonna let me in?”
I don’t want to since I feel he brought me back here with no warning whatsoever, but I end up letting him in. He walks past me, but I don’t move. Leaning into the door, I watch as he looks around. “Ma made sure the room wasn’t ever touched, nothing moved out of the way, or anything else like that. She only had it cleaned while you’ve been gone. She’d always say ‘Ah, Lena will be home soon.’” My throat clogs with emotion as he turns on his heel, looking back to me. “Here ya are.”
“Not by choice,” I say, and he nods slowly.
“Not by choice,” he repeats, moving his hands into his pockets. “What in the world happened, Lena. It’s just you and me. Tell me. Do ya need help?”
I shake my head. “No, I stopped as soon as I got the call. It was a problem ’cause I wanted it to be a problem.”
“Why in the world would you want that?”
“’Cause,” I answer with a shrug, not able to find the words. “Ya just wouldn’t understand.”
“Can ya try?”
Looking down at the floor, I shake my head. “No. It hurts too bad.”
I can feel him watching me, but I can’t look at him. He’d see the look, he’d know it has to do with the gobshite, Casey. Someone who shouldn’t have any power over me whatsoever. Even my therapist said that after it all went down. She was a snotty bitch. Though, some of the coping stuff she gave me helped a bit. But then I met him in an alley when I knew I shouldn’t have gone to see him.
God, I can still hear his voice.
“I need you, Lena.”
“You don’t, and I couldn’t even if I wanted. I’m with Micah.”
His eyes were pleading as he grabbed my hands, squeezing them tight. “Lena, please. Leave Micah, come with me.”
I don’t know how I was lost in his eyes, but I was. They were such a dark brown, almost like bark on a tree. Declan would say it’s because he’s full of shit, that’s why they were brown. I never listened to him, though. I loved Casey. I didn’t now, but I had. “No, Casey, I can’t. I don’t feel that way for you anymore.”
“Sure you do. Ya love me,” he insisted. “And remember my mama, she loves you. She needs you. She’s dying. We could take care of her together.”
I swallowed hard. “Case, I do care for yer ma, but I don’t feel that way, and I can’t be with you or her when I’m with Micah. He won’t have it,” I
answered, and I saw the pain in his eyes. It shattered my heart, it did. I didn’t want to hurt him, even though he had hurt me. “Plus, Case, ya raped me. How do you expect me to even want to help ya when you did that to me?”
“You wanted it,” he sneered then, his eyes meeting mine, and gone was the worry for him. For his mom who he kept saying was dying. Everything. And within seconds, the worry was replaced by fear. “I’m tired of ya saying I raped ya when I didn’t. You wanted me.”
“You drugged me.”
“Ah, again, ya wanted the drugs! You make it seem like I’m the bad guy when you wanted it all.”
Did I? Did I want it? I hadn’t questioned myself until that moment. Mostly ’cause I don’t know what happened. I just remember waking up cold and alone. Everything hurting. “No, Casey, that’s not how it happened, and ya know it.”
“You have to tell people that. Lena, yer da is trying to run me out of town. He’s offered me thousands.”
I wasn’t surprised by that. My da hated him. “Then go. Why stay?”
“Cause of my ma. Even if the money is great, I can’t leave her.”
“Take the money, and take her with you,” I suggested, but he shook his head.
“She won’t go. If you’ll just say I didn’t hurt you, if ya say ya wanna be with me, they won’t do this to me!”
“I can’t say any of that.”
Pulling me to him, he squeezed my wrists in his hands, his nails biting into my skin. “Yer hurting me!” I cried out, trying to push him away, but he held me, his eyes burning into mine.
“Leave me alone!” I screamed out, trying to get away.
But his eyes were crazy as he shook me. “No, you have to tell them I didn’t touch you! I can’t leave. I can’t move my ma. I have to stay here!”
“I don’t know if you did or not! Take the money and go, Casey. Your ma will be fine wherever you move her to. Just leave, make my life and yours better.”
“Lena?”
My brother’s voice made me jump. Casey immediately let me go, and I turned on my heel to see that Declan’s eyes were just as wild as Casey’s as he came toward me. “Declan, what are you doing out here?”
“I should ask you the same,” he said, and when he saw Casey, his eyes went dark. Pointing at Casey, Declan sneered, “What the fuck are you doing here, Casey, especially talking to my sister?”
I didn’t know why I was trying to defend Casey. Or maybe I was protecting Declan. I didn’t know, but I threw my hands up, stopping Declan as I pleaded, “Declan, it’s nothing. We were just talking. He’s leaving.”
But he brushed me aside like a fly. “How did you get on this land? You are not welcome here.”
“I know the spots to get in, Declan. Fuck off,” Casey said, his voice filled with nothing but hatred.
“Declan,” Amberlyn said, and I could hear the fear in her voice.
“Not right now, love. I need to know what this wanker is doing talking to my sister,” he said, his voice dripping with acid.
“It’s none of your business, Dec, what my business with Lena is.”
“The fuck it isn’t. You better tell me before I beat it out of your ugly arse,” Declan warned.
“Declan, please, it’s nothing,” I cried once more but I didn’t think he was listening to me.
“Leave it be, Dec. Go on inside, dance and mingle with your pretty girlfriend,” Casey called to him, pointing back to the B&B as he gazed at Amberlyn.
“Don’t look at her, or Lena, for that matter. Get the fuck off my property.”
“You just think you own everything, huh? This land, this fucking town, your sister, Amberlyn, don’t you? Wanna know why I’m here? ’Cause your da is doing everything in his fuckin’ power to reopen the case against me. I need Lena to tell the truth and get your da off my back. I can’t leave my ma or move her, not even with the hundred grand he is offering me. You’re ruining my life, and I need it to stop!”
“I told him I didn’t know. I can’t lie,” I cried, and then I was hiccupping my sobs. I didn’t know what else to do. I just wanted this to be over.
“Declan, please, let’s all go inside. Call security or something,” Amberlyn said, but we all ignored her. I was looking between Declan and Casey while they had an epic stare down.
Stepping to Casey, Declan stood tall as he pointed at Casey and sneered, “The truth is that you raped my sister and fucked us all up. So, no, she won’t lie for you, and that’s it. Take the money, Casey, and get the fuck out of here. Until then, though, stay the hell away from her, or anyone I love, for that matter. This is your last warning,” Declan said, taking a step toward him, and I saw Amberlyn try to stop him, but he was out for blood. “Now, get the hell out of here.”
“I fucking hate you, Declan. You are the biggest fucking tool in this god-awful town. It’s disgusting how much everyone loves you when you are worthless. You have been a constant pain in my arse since the beginning.”
Declan just stared at him, a look of pure detestation. “And you’re not going to do anything about it, Casey, so leave.”
Nothing was said for what seemed like hours, but really, it was only seconds before Casey said, “The hell I’m not.”
When he reached into his pants and pulled out a gun, I pressed my hand to my chest as panic filled every inch of me body. “Casey, what the hell! Put the gun away.”
“Yeah, can’t fight with your hands, you arse? Put that shit down. No one is scared of you,” Declan called, but I was terrified. Guns weren’t a thing here. We didn’t need them. Why in the hell did he have one and pointed at my brother?
“You should be!” he yelled, the gun shaking from where his hand was trembling. “I’m going to ruin your life, like you have mine.”
And when the gun dislodges, I’m knocked back to the present. Declan is staring at me as tears roll down my face. Within seconds, I’m in his arms, and he’s holding me tightly as he whispers in my ear that everything is fine, that he has me. “I’ll always have you, Lena. It’s okay. Tell me. What can I fix?”
But he can’t fix this.
How do you fix the fear that is freaking me the fuck out? Everything had been fine; I was okay until the moment Casey shot the gun. He didn’t hit my brother. Amberlyn, Declan’s love, jumped in front and took the bullet for him. Ah, to have a love like that. That was one of the reasons I broke it off with Micah. I didn’t love him enough to take a bullet for him. Not even kinda. Especially when he was anything but supportive when I had to testify against Casey in court.
All those fears came back tenfold, and I was done. Off to Dublin I went, just to be as far away as I could. I thought I would be fine, but then Casey was released. I lean into my brother, unable to tell him what is wrong or even where my head has been. Honestly, it’s been in a dark place, and that scares me. Because now, I have to be me ma. Which will put me in the public eye, right where he’ll be.
Pulling back, I move out of his arms, running my hands down my face. “Ya couldn’t tell me earlier?”
“No. I knew you wouldn’t come.”
“I would have feckin’ come. It’s our ma,” I yell back at him, shaking my head. “I just would have had an exit plan.”
Declan grins. “Exactly.” I roll my eyes as he exhales audibly. “I hate this. I do. I don’t want to put all this pressure on you, and I’m sorry. But we need ya.”
I sighed. “I know.”
“So, you’ll stay?”
“Of course,” I say, even though I’d rather not. But then, I don’t want to leave and go back to what I’ve been doing. Maybe this is the way to clean myself up. Find myself. Ah, who am I kidding? I’m gonna fuck up royally. Running my hands through my hair, I gather it and put it in a bun. “Will I have security when I leave?”
His brows draw in. “If you want it.”
“I want it, always.”
“Can I ask why?”
I don’t look at him. “I just do.”
Silence stretches between us as I
stand there, toeing the floor. When I look up, I find him watching me, a look in his eyes. He’s worried for me. “I haven’t seen him since he got out.”
Fear suffocates me. “Well, that’s good to know.”
“He won’t be a problem. There is a restraining order that encompasses all of us.”
“Okay,” I say, but that doesn’t make me feel better. I don’t think a restraining order can keep Casey away. A no-guns ordinance didn’t keep him from bringing his grandda’s gun to shoot Declan or me. I’m still unsure what Casey’s plan was that night. It’s terrifying to think, if Declan hadn’t come out, Casey might have just shot me dead. I can’t give him that chance again. “I still want the security.”
“I can get ya a detail. Do ya want that?”
I think that over and then shake my head. “No, I won’t go anywhere where I need someone tailing me.”
“All right.”
I look up at him, and I can still see that he is worried sick about me. “I’m fine.”
He shrugs. “Fine, but I’m here. So is Amberlyn.”
A small smile pulls at my lips. “Ah, yes, I know. Why don’t you go on back to the house? You should be with her and wee Ronan, not me.”
Closing the gap between us, he cups my face. “I have time for all of ya.”
We share a smile, and he kisses my forehead before dropping his hands. “Call me, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
With a nod, he leaves the room, and I let out the breath I guess I was holding. I take a step to go toward my bed when another knock comes to the door. It’s Meredith.
“Yer ma wanted me to drop this off. It’s your itinerary for the coming months.”
Months.
Taking the itinerary, I make a face as I flip through it. I almost miss the note on the front until Meredith points it out.
Appointment with Franco at eight a.m. sharp. Do not be late. I’ll be waiting in my sitting room for you. Love, Ma.
Groaning loudly, I nod. “Thanks.”
Meredith doesn’t say anything as she shuts the door. I truly feel I am being punished for all the bad choices I have made in my short twenty-two years. That’s the only reason for all this maddening stuff that is happening. Tossing the binder onto the bed, I go to my window, throwing it open and letting the crisp air come in and kiss me face. Ah, how I’ve missed Mayo’s breeze and the clouds.
