“So you’re staying with the Brennemans?”
“No.” She would, except that Ariana, the queen of everyone’s heart, was returning in two weeks. Emotions were light and merry.
Dad choked up. “Where will you go?”
“I don’t know.” That was the great question. She had no interest in returning to college and no interest in pursuing a career onstage. “I only know what I’m not going to do. I’m not coming back right now.”
Ariana pushed the last straight pin into place, weaving its sharp tip between the fabric of her cape dress and black apron. Finally it was time to return to Summer Grove, nine months ahead of Nicholas’s original time line.
“Yep.” Cameron was sprawled across Ariana’s bed, her head propped up on her hand. She lowered her eyes, flipping through the photo album they’d made together. “When you arrived, you looked just like you do now.” She reached out and nudged Ariana’s open and almost-full suitcase. “You emerged as if you’d traveled through time to get here.”
Cameron could be depended on to be honest at all times.
“Yeah, I get that time traveler thing a lot. But God is timeless, and evidently so are the Amish.” Ariana moved to the full-length mirror, checking to see if everything was in place. Her reflection was jarring. Emotionally she felt modern, slightly traveled, and decently informed on numerous topics, but she looked puritanical and severely religious. She inched forward, staring into her eyes, and she suddenly felt at odds with herself.
Who was that young woman peering back at her?
Maybe a better question was, why did she feel so different now that she had on her Amish clothes? It had taken three months of extraordinary effort and patience to win the right to go home. And she felt weird.
“Cameron.” Ariana moved closer to the mirror, trying to catch a glimpse of the girl she used to see. “Is it normal, you know, for the Englisch to be unsure exactly who they are?” She didn’t think it was for the Amish, or at least it hadn’t been normal for her. Decisions and viewpoints were limited to two choices: the right one as set forth by the Amish church and the wrong one as set forth by any views outside of the Amish church. That’s how she’d regarded everything until recently. Now each subject splintered into a thousand viewpoints, many with reasonable validity.
Cameron sat upright. “Are you second-guessing whether you want to go back?”
“No. Of course not.” Ariana held her gaze in the mirror, asking herself that same question. Pleased at the measure of reassurance she felt, she lowered her eyes. Still, even without looking at herself, she felt displaced somehow. The odd feeling began a few days ago, or maybe it began the day she arrived. “I long to go home, but I’m second-guessing every thought I’ve ever had about life in general.”
Cameron pulled her feet onto the bed and crisscrossed her legs. “I’m lost.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” Ariana opened a drawer and pulled out a stack of neatly folded black stockings, none of which she’d worn in months. “Whatever thought comes to me these days, I immediately counter it with oppositional data.”
“Like?” Cameron studied her, listening carefully.
Ariana tucked the stockings into the suitcase. “When I woke up today, I was looking forward to attending an Amish Sunday meeting, and, bam, I was struck with memories of what I’ve read concerning home churches and the negative effects of obsessive dedication. Then I thought how wonderful it’ll be to come under Daed’s authority again and, later, Rudy’s, when we marry. And, bam, I was hit with a dozen facts about giving up my autonomy, a word I didn’t even know existed until I came here.”
“The horse blinders you grew up with have been ripped off. You’ve been forced to see the world around you, and you’ve learned that everything has multiple sides. Welcome to the new millennium. That sort of stuff happens to me all the time.”
Ariana plunked on the bed beside her. “Yeah, I guess I now have a gazillion new ways of viewing myself, religion, people, and even God. It’s not much fun, is it?”
“My grandpa always says getting old is no fun, but it’s better than the other option. Having so many new ways of looking at things may not be much fun, but it’s better than the other option—knowing only what you’ve been told. I would rather wade through a ton of ‘oppositional data’ and use it to decide for myself what I believe.”
“And if a person just wants those thoughts to leave her alone?”
“I guess she’ll do her best to tune out anything outside her chosen area of focus. That part will get easier once you’re back inside your insulated life, right?”
“I don’t know. Nicholas calls it a filter of analytical thinking. Some of the books refer to it as freethinking. Whatever it’s called, I’m not sure I’ll ever make it stop.”
“But it’ll grow fainter. You’ll just need a little time.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Ariana picked up the photo album and flipped through the pages. The images of Berta’s sons and their families made her heart raw. They were good men, and Berta had much to be pleased about, but the consequences and devastation from the sons leaving the Amish made it seem more like an act of war than adult children merely moving away.
“You okay?”
She turned the pages, seeing the Schlabachs celebrate birthdays and holidays as if they’d never been raised Amish. “Something keeps nagging at me, and I can’t figure out what it is.” She tapped her finger on a picture of Quill. He was in a porch swing, clearly unaware his picture was being taken, and he looked peaceful. “I bet he would know what’s eating at me.”
“Call him.”
She shook her head. “No. Like a lot of things, I need to figure this out on my own. I’m just not sure I know myself well enough to figure it out anytime soon.”
“See, that kind of talk worries me. Maybe you’re going back before you should.”
“Ha.” Ariana nudged her shoulder into Cameron’s. “Not soon enough is the problem. The answer is to go home and begin anew the only life I’ve ever wanted.”
“Maybe. My dad has a cardinal rule: even if something is legal, I have to be old enough to know myself before I’m free to make a decision that has sticking power—like getting a tattoo or quitting school. Neither of those things has the kind of sticking power that joining the Amish faith and getting married does.”
Cameron’s words tightened around Ariana’s neck. She drew a deep breath, trying to settle her frazzled nerves. Why was she just as nervous as she was thrilled about returning home?
Ariana stood and put the album in her suitcase. “It’s a transition, and they are always hard.” She felt really anxious in leaving behind, at least for a while, this world and the people she’d come to love. In some ways she was leaving them forever.
Cameron shrugged, looking sad. “Just about the time Princess Jasmine understands her new world, she leaves it.” She wrapped her arms around her bent legs. “I’ll miss watching movies with you.”
“Ditto,” Ariana said. “Come visit me as soon as I get permission, okay?”
“How long will that take?”
“I doubt even the bishop knows the answer to that. I’ll go through a proving time, and the length will be determined by how well I do or how well they think I’m doing. Probably six months or more.”
“That’s not very long. Can I bring a generator with me? I’m not sure I’d do well without electricity or movies for an entire evening.”
Ariana exaggerated a sigh while closing her suitcase. “Kids these days.”
Someone tapped on the open bedroom door, and when Ariana turned around, her Englisch parents were standing there, looking vulnerable and resigned. Skylar had refused to return home to them, and now Ariana was leaving.
She lifted the suitcase off the bed and set it on the floor. “There’s a bright side. I talked to Susie last night.” Ariana pulled her cell phone from the hidden pocket of her apron and held it up. “Skylar is still living at the house and working at the café. Maybe that will gi
ve us a chance to get to know each other. And with a bit of time, I can find ways to assure her that you love her and want her to come home.”
It was easy for Ariana to see where Brandi and Nicholas had made mistakes that left Skylar feeling abandoned and unwanted. But they loved Skylar just as much as if she were their own child. Ariana believed that as strongly as she believed in Rudy’s love.
Nicholas and Brandi began a sentence at the same time and then stopped. “You first,” he said.
Brandi looked from the suitcase to Ariana. “I was going to ask the obvious—if you had packed everything.”
Ariana’s parents were as changed as she was. They easily yielded the floor to each other, and they were supportive rather than combative. They hardly reminded her of the people who had been at each other’s throats when she arrived.
“This isn’t the end, guys.” Ariana looked each in the eyes, trying to assure them of her words.
They nodded.
“Once I’ve gone through the proving time and joined the faith, I’ll have more freedom to invite you to visit. When I’m married, you can come to my place, and I can come to yours.” At least she hoped it worked that smoothly.
As far as the church and community were concerned, Nicholas and Brandi had a long list of strikes against them—threatening to sue the Amish, having sway over her as her biological parents, and living in sin with their new spouses. The church leaders wouldn’t consider her relationship with Brandi and Nicholas to be the same as most interaction between Amish and Englisch friends. It would be more complicated, with more objections to her having contact with them. But it could be done.
And may God help her navigate these murky waters if the church leaders learned that Nicholas was an atheist. Did God want her to cut him off because he wasn’t a believer? She didn’t think so. What better way for Nicholas to see that faith has value than to witness it in a believer’s life? But for a while, maybe for always, the church would see to it that Ariana and her Englisch parents didn’t have complete freedom to visit each other. Still, with Rudy’s support, the church leaders’ permission, and careful steps, Ariana was sure they could make periodic visits.
Brandi fidgeted with a dangling earring. “I’ll hear from you about the wedding next fall, if not before, right?”
“Yes, of course.”
Ariana was sure Rudy wouldn’t mind her extending wedding invitations to her Englisch family. Not a lot of Englisch were invited to Amish weddings, but a few were. For some reason, attending Ariana’s wedding was very important to Brandi. Ariana doubted Nicholas would come, not because he didn’t love her, but because he did. Since he felt she would be stripping herself of all her reasonable rights, he would be hard pressed to attend her wedding. She had yet to understand why she enjoyed his company when he was so far off base about things. Maybe God had placed that fondness for him in her heart.
She put her hands on Brandi’s shoulders. “You aren’t losing me. I’m moving away, and you will come when I get married and have babies and at other times too. But Amish life is what God intended for me.”
Nicholas picked up her suitcase. “You always have a place with either of us. Know that. And don’t let what the church teaches keep you there out of fear.” He shifted, looking more perturbed than sad. “Remember all that we talked about. How to analyze and think independently.”
“I won’t forget.” How could she? But Ariana was weary of being talked to about life and God in ways that drained and challenged her. She longed to get back to Summer Grove.
She had said her good-byes to her stepsiblings at a family gathering last night, an event that included both households—Brandi’s and Nicholas’s. She turned and waved at Cameron. They had said all they knew to say, and Cameron wasn’t a hugger. Cameron returned the gesture, and Ariana walked down the hall of Brandi’s house. Gabe was at the bottom of the stairs, watching his wife more than Ariana. This had to be difficult for a man who loved his wife so much and only wanted to make her life better.
Once they were beside Nicholas’s car, Ariana hugged Brandi and Gabe, and then she got into the car and waved as he drove them away. During the drive Nicholas talked about different aspects of the long trip they’d made together and some of the things he’d learned from her. She prayed for him—silently, of course. He talked about his regrets with Skylar and how vicious his regret would be if Skylar never gave him a chance to make up for his years of apathy and hardheadedness. Finally they entered Summer Grove.
An idea suddenly hit her. Ariana had planned on seeing Berta tomorrow, but maybe today would be better. She reached into her coat pocket and felt her phone. “Could we stop somewhere first?”
“Sure, where?”
“Turn left at the next stop sign. I’d like to go by Quill’s mom’s home.”
“Berta,” he said. “The one Cameron helped you make a gift for.”
“Yeah. The Schlabachs gave me a lot of pictures to share with her, and Cameron helped me put them into albums.” She pulled out her phone. It was an amazing piece of technology, and the word phone didn’t seem at all accurate. It was like a handheld computer that could do remarkable things.
“Take the next right.” She pointed out the huge farmhouse that sat mere feet off the road. Being so close to the main road was largely why it was so difficult for the Schlabach brothers to sneak in to visit her.
Nicholas pulled onto the driveway. “Doesn’t it bother you that she can’t have open visits from her family?”
“It’s a way of life every member has agreed to.”
He turned off his car. “Quill didn’t, and yet he’s banned from seeing his mom.”
“It’s complicated. No one wants it to be that way.”
“I beg to differ. Someone wants it that way, or it wouldn’t be that way. And my guess is it’s those in power and those who back them. They’ve banded together to use those situations to gain more power. How many leave when they know the catastrophic damage they will cause if they do so?”
“You make valid points, and I don’t have all the answers, but may I respectfully request that you zip it?”
“Sorry.”
“Any organization—from school systems to medical facilities to family units—is marred by flaws, but as the saying goes, ‘Don’t toss out the baby with the bathwater.’ ”
“The difference is we keep trying to improve those systems. No one, and I mean no one, is standing as the gatekeeper, saying, ‘This is how we agreed to do it a hundred years ago, and we intend to keep it that way. If you stand against us, we’ll shun you. And if you leave, we’ll ban you for life.’ There’s dialogue and debate, and each gender has an equal say.”
“Okay.” Ariana raised her hands in surrender. “It was a bad analogy. I should’ve known to do solid research before tossing out a thought.”
They got out and went to the trunk. She unzipped her suitcase, and a moment later she had the gift in hand. “Give me ten minutes, okay?”
“This is likely to be the last parent-type thing I get to do for you for a long time. So take all the time you want.”
Thankfully, Nicholas hadn’t asked why she needed to do this now.
She hurried up the stairs, and feelings of nostalgia and being home were so strong it was as if she’d stepped through a portal into a new land. She knocked and opened the door. “Hallo? Berta?”
“Ari? Is that you?” Berta rushed out of the living room. “Ariana!” She put her arms around her and squeezed, rocking back and forth. “Oh, my girl is home!”
The word home struck deep. This big old house with this lonely woman felt like home. Memories of time spent here during her childhood washed over her. The delicious aromas, laughter, and long talks. Sunlight dancing across the floor as the wind lifted the sheers, and silvery moonlight making the room glow while she and Frieda talked the night away.
Ariana held Berta tight. “You and this wonderful old house make me feel like I’m home.”
Berta released her. “Y
ou’re welcome here anytime and all the time.”
Ariana chuckled. “Dan said nearly those same words to me.”
“You saw him?”
“There are no more secrets, Berta.”
“And yet you’re here.”
“Without anger or judgment.”
Berta’s eyes filled with tears, and she hugged Ariana again. “Denki, my sweet girl.” She released her and then gave her the once-over. “You look the best ever. I heard you were arriving today, but, child, what are you doing here?”
“I just had to see you.” They were connected in ways Ariana didn’t understand, but she could feel it as she stood there. She passed her the gift. “From your sons, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, and me. My stepsister had to help me too. I’d never seen a photo album before. Be careful no one sees it.”
Berta nodded, holding it tightly to her chest. “Denki.”
“Your boys, all of them, are such fine men. And they’ve chosen good wives and have beautiful, loving families. You have much to be grateful for.” Ariana pulled her phone from her coat pocket. “If the bishop knows I’m returning today and if he’s talked to my Daed, I may be required to give up my phone before I even enter my house. But first…” She pressed the necessary icons to call Quill.
“Hey, stranger.” Quill’s voice was strong and peaceful. “I haven’t heard from you in a while.”
That was true, and it would only get worse from here. She’d called him on Christmas Day, and they hadn’t spoken or texted since. Quill wouldn’t take the initiative to contact her. The ball was always in her court. She assumed he did it that way to avoid causing issues between her and Rudy.
“Hi. I’m in Summer Grove, and I have someone here I think you should talk to.”
Berta looked puzzled, as if the little box in Ariana’s hand couldn’t be a phone. “Say hello to your youngest son.” Ariana put the phone in her hand and eased it to Berta’s face.
Berta’s hand trembled. “Quill?”
“Mamm! Hi! How’s the best mom in the world doing today?”
Berta grinned, looking thrilled, and yet there was pain etched on her face. Tears brimmed in Ariana’s eyes.
Fraying at the Edge Page 31
