by Jodi Picoult
Jacob got me to stop making a racket.
My brother wasn't trying to help me that day. He was trying to help himself.
Jacob
I am lying underneath the blanket that feels like a hundred hands pressing down on me, like I'm deep at the bottom of the sea and cannot see the sun or hear what's happening on the shore.
I didn't lose my temper.
I don't know why Dr. Moon would think that.
I don't know why my mother didn't stand up and object. I don't know why Oliver isn't telling the truth.
I used to have nightmares where the sun was coming too close to the earth and I was the only one who knew it, because my skin could sense a change in temperature more accurately than anyone else's. No matter what I did to try to warn people, nobody ever listened to me, and eventually trees started to burst into flame and my family was burned alive. I would wake up and see the sunrise, and I'd freak out all over again, because how could I really be sure that my nightmare had been a nightmare after all and not actually a premonition?
I think the same thing is happening now. After years of imagining I'm an alien in this world--with senses more acute than those of normal people, and with speech patterns that don't make sense to normal people, and behaviors that look odd on this planet but that, on my home planet, must be perfectly acceptable--it has actually become true. Truth is a lie and lies are the truth. The members of the jury believe what they hear, not what's right in front of their eyes. And no one is listening, no matter how loud I am screaming inside my own head.
Emma
The space beneath the blanket feels like it has a heartbeat. In the dark, I find Jacob's hand and I squeeze it. --Honey,|| I say, --we have to go.||
He turns to me. In the blackness I can see the reflection of his eyes. --I didn't lose my temper with Jess,|| he mutters.
--We can talk about that later ...||
--I didn't hurt her,|| Jacob says.
I stop and stare at him. I want to believe him. God, I want to believe him. But then I imagine that quilt I sewed for him, wrapped around the body of a dead girl.
--I didn't mean to hurt her,|| Jacob corrects.
Nobody looks into the face of a newborn son and imagines all the things that will go wrong in his life. Instead, you see nothing but possibility: his first smile, his first steps, his graduation, his wedding dance, his face when he is holding his own baby. With Jacob, I was constantly revising the milestones: when he willingly looks me in the eye, when he can accept a change in plans without falling apart, when he wears a shirt without meticulously cutting out the tag in the back. You don't love a child for what he does or doesn't do; you love him for who he is.
And even if he is a murderer, by design or by accident, he is still mine.
--Not connecting with his peers,|| Helen Sharp says. --Being the center of his own universe.
Self-preservation is the one inviolable rule. Temper tantrums and anger management issues
... Sounds to me, Dr. Murano, like Asperger's is the new selfish. ||
--No. It's not an unwillingness to consider someone else's feelings, it's an inability to do it.||
--Yet this is a relatively new diagnosis, isn't it?||
--It first appeared in the DSM-IV manual in 1994, but it wasn't new by any means.
There were plenty of people with Asperger's prior to that who simply weren't labeled.||
--Such as?||
--Steven Spielberg, the director. John Elder Robison, the author. Satoshi Tajiri, who created the Pokemon phenomenon. Peter Tork, of the band the Monkees. They were all diagnosed formally with Asperger's as adults.||
--And they are all extremely successful, aren't they?|| Helen asks.
--It seems that way.||
--They've led very productive lives interacting with other people?||
--I assume so.||
--Do you think any of them have trouble relating to others socially?||
--Yes, I do.||
--Do you think any of them might have experienced a moment where they were picked on, or felt marginalized?||
--I don't know, Ms. Sharp.||
--Really? Have you seen Peter Tork's old haircut? I'll go out on a limb and say yes, they have been teased. And yet none of these men with Asperger's is on trial for murder, are they?||
--No. Like I said, there isn't a causal link between Asperger's and violence.||
--If Asperger's doesn't make someone violent, how can it be an excuse for someone like Jacob committing a horrific act of violence?||
--Objection!|| Oliver says. --That's prejudicial.||
--Sustained,|| the judge replies.
The prosecutor shrugs. --Withdrawn. Dr. Murano, how did you formalize your diagnosis of Jacob's Asperger's?||
--I had an IQ test administered, and an assessment of adaptive skills, to see how Jacob would handle certain social situations. I did interviews with Emma Hunt and with his teachers, to get a sense of Jacob's history of behavior. Asperger's doesn't show up overnight. I saw videotapes of him prior to age two, when he was still meeting developmental milestones for neurotypical children, and then the subsequent decline in behavior and interpersonal connections. And I observed him during a number of sessions, both in my office and at his school in social settings.||
--There's no blood test, or any other scientific test, that can be administered to see if a child has Asperger's, is there?||
--No. It's based primarily on observation of repetitive behavior and interests, and a lack of social interaction that impairs everyday functioning, without a significant delay in language.||
--So ... it's a judgment call?||
--Yes,|| Dr. Murano says. --An educated one.||
--If Jacob had seen another psychiatrist, isn't it possible he or she might have determined that Jacob doesn't have Asperger's?||
--I highly doubt it. The diagnosis most often confused with Asperger's is attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, and when they put Aspie kids on ADHD medicine and they don't respond, it's often clear that the diagnosis needs to be revisited.||
--So the criteria you used to diagnose Jacob were his inability to communicate with other people, his trouble reading social cues, his desire for routine and structure, and his fixation on certain topics?||
--Yes, that's about right,|| the psychiatrist says.
--Say I have a seven-year-old who is completely obsessed with Power Rangers and who has to have his cookie and milk every night before bedtime, who isn't very good about telling me what happens in school every day or sharing his toys with his younger brother.
Does my seven-year-old have Asperger's?||
--Not necessarily. Let's say you have two three-year-olds in the sandbox. One says,
Look at my truck.' The other responds, I have a doll.' That's parallel play, and it's normal at that age. But if you study those same two children at age eight, and one says, Look at my truck,' the appropriate response is something like That's a cool truck' or Can I touch it?' or some other sentence that continues the interaction with the child who made the conversational overture. However, a kid with Asperger's might still say, in response, I have a doll.' When the playmate walks away, the kid with Asperger's won't understand why. In his mind, he's responded to the sentence and kept the conversation going. He doesn't comprehend that what he said wasn't a valid rejoinder.||
--Or,|| Helen Sharp says, --the kid with the doll might just be really self-centered, right?||
--With Asperger's that's often the case.||
--But without Asperger's, it's occasionally the case, too. My point, Doctor, is that the diagnosis you make and the assumptions you have about Jacob are not based on anything other than your own opinion. You're not looking at a tox screen or brain waves--||
--There are a variety of psychiatric disorders where clinical observation is the only method of diagnosis, Ms. Sharp. This happens to be one of them. And any psychiatrist in this country will tell you that Asperger's syndrome is a valid disorder. It may be
difficult to describe to someone else in concrete terms, but when you see it, you know what it is.||
--And just to be clear. You feel that having Asperger's syndrome affected Jacob's behavior the day Jess Ogilvy was murdered.||
--That's right.||
--Because Jacob couldn't handle social situations well. And he wasn't empathetic.
And his frustration sometimes led to anger management problems.||
--That's right,|| Dr. Murano says.
--Which are traits you find in someone with Asperger's.||
--Yes.||
--What a coincidence,|| the prosecutor says, folding her arms. --They're also traits you find in cold-blooded killers.||
Once Jacob told me that he could hear plants dying. They scream, he said. I thought for certain this was ridiculous until I talked to Dr. Murano about it. Kids with Asperger's, she said, have senses we can't even imagine. We filter out sounds and sights that are constantly barraging their brains, which is why sometimes it seems like they're off in their own little world. They're not, she said. They're in our world, but they're more engaged in it than we'll ever be.
I went home that day and I looked up plant death on the Internet. As it turned out, plants under stress emit ethylene gas, and scientists in Germany have created a device that measures the energy of those molecules as vibrations--or sound.
Now I wonder if it gets tiring, bearing witness to the last gasp of nature. If it's not only plants my son hears but the gnash of an angry ocean. A shy sunrise. A breaking heart.
Oliver
My high school guidance counselor, Mrs. Inverholl, once had me take an aptitude test to figure out my future. The number one job recommendation for my set of skills was an air traffic accident investigator, of which there are fewer than fifty in the world. The number two job was a museum curator for Chinese-American studies. The number three job was a circus clown.
I'm pretty sure lawyer wasn't even on the list.
Sometime after I graduated from college I heard through the grapevine that this same guidance counselor had taken an early retirement and moved to a Utopian community in Idaho, where she renamed herself Blessing and now raises alpacas.
Frances Grenville doesn't look like she's in any danger of starting a llama farm anytime soon. She is wearing a blouse buttoned to the throat, and her hands are clasped so tightly in her lap that I imagine her nails are leaving marks on the skin. --Mrs. Grenville,|| I say, --where are you employed?||
--At Townsend Regional High School.||
--And how long have you been a guidance counselor there?||
--This is my tenth year.||
--What are your responsibilities?|| I ask.
--I help students with college search and selection. I write recommendations for students applying to college. And I work with students who face behavioral issues during their school career.||
--Do you know Jacob?||
--I do. Because he has an IEP, I've been intimately involved in the organization of his school day, to accommodate his special needs.||
--Can you explain what an IEP is?||
--An individualized education program,|| she says. --It's an educational plan mandated by federal law to improve educational results for children with disabilities. Each IEP is different, based on the child. For Jacob, for example, we created a list of rules to be adhered to in a school setting--because he functions well with strictures and routines.||
--Have you met with Jacob for reasons other than his learning needs?||
--Yes,|| Mrs. Grenville says. --There have been instances where he's gotten into trouble with teachers for acting out in class.||
--How so?||
--In one case, he kept telling his biology teacher that he was wrong when the teacher made certain factual statements in class.|| She hesitates. --Mr. Hubbard was teaching the structure of DNA. He paired adenine with adenine instead of pairing it with thymine. When Jacob told him this was incorrect, Mr. Hubbard got angry. Jacob didn't realize the teacher was angry and kept pointing out the inaccuracy. Mr. Hubbard sent him to the principal's office for being disruptive in class.||
--Did he explain to you why he didn't know his teacher was angry?||
--Yes. He said that Mr. Hubbard's angry face looks a lot like other people's when they're happy.||
--Does it?||
Mrs. Grenville purses her lips. --I have noticed that Mr. Hubbard has a tendency to smirk when he gets frustrated.||
--Do you happen to know if it is incorrect to pair adenine with adenine?||
--As it turns out, Jacob was right.||
I glance back at the defense table. Jacob is smiling from ear to ear.
--Were there any other incidents when you had to help Jacob?||
--Last year, he got into trouble with a young woman. She was very upset over a poor grade and somehow communicated to Jacob that if he really wanted to be her friend, he'd tell the math teacher to go ...|| She looks down at her lap. --Fornicate with himself. Jacob was given detention for that, and later confronted the young woman and grabbed her by the throat.||
--Then what happened?||
--A teacher saw him and pulled him away from the girl. Jacob was suspended for two weeks. He would have been expelled if not for his IEP and the understanding that he was provoked.||
--What have you done to modify Jacob's social behavior in school?||
--He attended social skills class, but then Emma Hunt and I discussed getting a private tutor for Jacob instead. We thought he might be able to better work on specific situations that tended to upset him, so that he could deal with them more constructively.||
--Did you find a tutor?||
--Yes. I contacted the university, and they put feelers out in their education department.|| She looks at the jury. --Jess Ogilvy was the first student to respond to the request.||
--Had Jacob been meeting with her?||
--Yes, since last fall.||
--Mrs. Grenville, since Jacob began his tutoring with Jess Ogilvy, have there been any incidents of him losing his temper?||
She shakes her head. --Not one,|| she says.
--Your witness,|| I say to Helen.
The prosecutor stands up. --Mr. Hubbard--the biology teacher--he was angry and Jacob didn't realize it?||
--No.||
--Would you say that's a problem for Jacob? Knowing when someone's angry at him?||
--From what I know about Asperger's, yes.||
--The other incident you raised involved Jacob cursing out a teacher on a dare and then attacking the girl who dared him, correct?||
--Yes.||
--Had Jacob been told before to not use physical violence to solve problems?||
--Certainly,|| the counselor says. --He knew that was a school rule.||
--But he broke that rule?|| Helen asks.
--He did.||
--Even though, according to your own testimony, following rules is very important to Jacob?||
--Even though,|| Mrs. Grenville says.
--Did he have any explanation for you as to why he broke that rule?||
Mrs. Grenville shakes her head slowly. --He said that he just snapped.||
Helen considers this. --You also said, Mrs. Grenville, that since starting his tutoring sessions, Jacob hasn't lost his temper in school.||
--That's correct.||
--Apparently he was saving that for after school,|| Helen says. --Nothing further.||
Court adjourns early that day because Judge Cuttings has a doctor's appointment. As the room empties, I gather up my files and stuff them into my briefcase. --So,|| I say to Emma,
--I'd like to come over and talk to you about your testimony.||
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Theo and Henry making their way toward us.
--I thought we discussed this,|| Emma says pointedly.
We did. But I'll be damned if I'm going to go back to my office while I know Henry is under her roof.
--You can never be too ready,|| I tell her. --We have
two cars. No sense in all of you being crammed into one. Would anyone like to ride with me?||
I am staring straight at Emma. --That's a good idea,|| she says. --Jacob, why don't you go?||
Which is how I wind up trailing Henry's rental car with Jacob sitting beside me in the passenger seat of the truck--and only after a small fit, because he prefers to ride in the backseat and there isn't one. He fiddles with the radio, which is AM stations only because my truck is old enough to have been built by Moses. --You know why you can pick up AM
stations better at night?|| Jacob says. --Because the ionosphere reflects radio signals better when the sun isn't radiating the heck out of the upper atmosphere.||
--Thanks,|| I say. --I couldn't have gone to sleep tonight without knowing that.||
Jacob looks at me. --Really?||
--No, I'm kidding.||
He folds his arms. --Haven't you been listening to yourself in court? I don't get'
sarcasm. I'm totally self-centered. Oh, and at any moment I might just go totally crazy.||
--You're not crazy,|| I tell him. --I'm just trying to get the jury to see you as legally insane.||
Jacob slumps in his seat. --I'm not a big fan of labels.||
--What do you mean?||
--When I first got my diagnosis, my mother was relieved, because she saw it as something that would be helpful. I mean, teachers don't look at kids who are reading eight grade levels above where they should be and doing complex mathematical proofs in third grade and think they need special help, even if they are being teased all the time. The diagnosis helped me get an IEP, which was great, but it also changed things in a bad way.||
Jacob shrugs. --I guess I expected it to be like this other girl in my grade who has a port-wine stain on half her face. People go right up to her and ask about it, and she says it's a birthmark and that it doesn't hurt. End of story. No one ever asks if they can catch it like a virus, or doesn't want to play with her because of it. But you tell someone you're autistic, and half the time they talk louder to you, like you might be deaf. And the few things that I used to get credit for--like being smart, or having a really excellent memory--were all of a sudden just things that made me even more weird.|| He is quiet for a moment, and then he turns to me. --I'm not autistic; I have autism. I also have brown hair and flat feet. So I don't understand why I'm always the kid with Asperger's,'|| Jacob says.
