Zack’s eyes burned and his hands twisted handfuls of the thin hospital blanket.
“What isn’t going to work?” he asked Ryan, his voice barely above a croak.
“Getting you in a headlock until you see what a dumbass you’re being, letting Pike walk away like this.” Ryan rolled his eyes. “Jos seems to think I’ve got superpowers or something, because that’s not happening, right?”
“Is this the sort of reverse psychology that works on your students?” Zack grumbled, even as he appreciated his friend’s low-key approach. Part of him, however, wanted Ryan mad at him, wanted him to yell and call him out on his behavior.
Ryan’s never going to get as mad at you as you are. Zack swallowed hard. It was true—he’d been furious at himself ever since Pike left. Before that even. Felt like all he knew how to do was make things worse. The anger was eating him up, every bit as surely as that infection had. But he wanted better for himself. Better for Pike. He wanted that moment Ryan had just had—being needed and being able to be exactly what the other person needed at that time, being completely secure in their relationship.
Hell, Ryan hadn’t even wavered in the face of Zack’s parents. He knew who he was. And maybe it was about time Zack found out who he really was too.
“Hey, Ryan?” he asked, taking a breath to try to steady his voice. “You know how you said you could introduce me to some people? Give me some numbers?”
“Yeah. Absolutely.” Ryan pulled the phone back out, small smile tugging at his mouth. “Just say the word.”
“I think—” No, no “I think.” Own this choice. Zack sat up straighter in the bed, even as his muscles protested, and when he spoke next, his voice was firmer. “I’m ready.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Sunlight streamed into the War Elf office space through giant skylights that illuminated the “discussion pods” of brightly colored chairs and beanbags strewn about on giant green rugs. It was a cheerful scene, but Pike had never been lonelier in his life. The high exposed ceilings with their networks of ducts and wiring distracted him, made him long for the tighter confines of his little house.
Pike didn’t do homesick. He really didn’t. Growing up, they’d moved fairly often from one fixer-upper to the next as his mother squirreled away cash from each sale into his college fund. He hadn’t really had time to get attached to any one house, and then there had been university housing, but no one really got homesick for dorms and off-campus apartments. His West Hollywood digs with Landon had been pretty sweet, but he’d never really missed it when he’d been gone.
Strange then that in the middle of the War Elf headquarters, he was almost overcome with a visceral sense of loss. It might be the senior chief’s house, but he and Zack had been building something there, something special. And now it seemed pulled from beyond his grasp, no way to get it back, and here he was, waiting for Hector and wondering if a fresh start could ease this ache in his chest.
Pike had visited War Elf as part of his PhD research, meeting several times with Hector, but interviewing for the senior market research analyst position was a whole new thing, complete with meeting the CEO and several VPs. As a young intern with purple streaks in her blond hair gave him a complete tour of the facilities, a strange restlessness came over him. Above the snack and coffee area, a large stainless-steel clock announced that it was almost three o’clock.
I should be teaching Intro to Stats right now. Maybe his students were unhappy or stressed. He wasn’t sure whether Cynthia had stayed to teach the class or if she’d simply given the students the weekend off. He hoped the students weren’t disappointed that they wouldn’t have more time before next week’s test. And why the hell was he worrying about them while being shown the array of freebies available to employees? All his favorite sodas and energy drinks, there for the taking.
“Everyone puts in such long hours, it’s nice to have a place to let off steam.” The intern gestured at two foosball tables and a ping-pong table lining the edge of the break area. She had a way of making everything seem trendy and cutting edge. “And in addition to the row of treadmill desks, there’s a gym on the lower level.”
Sure enough, this place had a sweet setup, but Pike couldn’t seem to appreciate it.
“So everyone works late?” He’d figured as much from Hector and the other executives, but he felt more comfortable asking the intern.
“Oh yeah. Seems like there’s an expansion pack update deadline every few months, major marketing pushes monthly, fan events and cons regularly...always something around here. On weekends, people tend to be more casual—roll in late or take Sunday off, but there’s usually people around most days.”
Damn. Long hours would make any thought Pike had of regularly jaunting off to San Diego for the weekend...
Stop it. A long-distance thing with Zack? No way. They didn’t have a thing yet, not a real one, and they lived in the same house. No way were they surviving long distance.
Can’t rehab a house with those kinds of hours. And when on earth had home started mattering so much to him? As long as he and the cats had a roof over their heads, he shouldn’t complain.
He tried to get it together for his meetings with others from the marketing and research divisions, including those who would be reporting to him. Now, there was a novel thought—he’d spent so many years being the low man on the totem pole that the idea of having underlings was almost comical. Undoubtedly Hector would be talking to these people after Pike left, and he had a hard time imagining anyone saying, “Yeah, him. That one. Let’s make him in charge.”
Hell, he couldn’t even sort out his own life. Who would make him the responsible one? But everyone listened attentively when he talked about his research and the algorithms he’d uncovered to mine more usable data from user habits.
“You’ve got dinner plans?” Hector beamed as he showed Pike back to the main area.
“Yeah, my mom’s coming down from Berkeley to eat with me.”
She’d been thrilled at the impromptu visit, happy to battle the traffic over the bridge to come down to Palo Alto. But she was also his mom, and she’d instinctively known that something was wrong, and he knew he’d end up pouring out the whole story to her over noodles at the Thai place they were meeting at.
“That’s terrific.” Hector clapped him on the back. “Moving should be a snap for you with family in the area, but don’t worry, I’ll make sure HR puts a nice relocation bonus in the contract for you. Expect to hear from us next week. But I don’t think I have to tell you that I’m thinking it will be good news.”
“Thanks.” The flippy-floppy sensation in Pike’s stomach couldn’t decide whether that would indeed be good news.
Can I really leave Zack behind? He didn’t have an answer, wasn’t sure whether Zack would even care, or whether taking the job might actually be the best thing for Zack, take the pressure off him. Fuck. I don’t know anything anymore.
* * *
“Ryan was right. You’re alone.” A dark-haired man in a khaki service uniform that indicated he was both a SEAL and a decorated lieutenant with the last name Floros came around the curtain in Zack’s room. He looked vaguely familiar in that Zack was sure he’d seen him around base.
“Excuse me?” His parents had recently left for the night, and Zack’s head had that almost-asleep bleariness that he hated. He blinked himself more alert. Hell, that’s a lieutenant you’re talking to. “Sir?”
“Oh none of that. I’m not here in anything resembling an official capacity. Only still in uniform because I came from a meeting on base.” The guy stuck out his hand. He had the way of flattening his vowels that Zack associated with native Californians like Pike. “Apollo Floros. Friend of Ryan’s. He asked me to stop by. Said to go easy on you because you looked like crap.”
“But you’re not going to?” Zack guessed. T
he guy gave off massive badass vibes—Zack could have pegged him as spec ops even without the uniform. But from the tattoos peeking out along with truly impressive biceps under his uniform shirt to the ultrashort hair to a nose that had probably been broken at least once, everything about the guy said he wasn’t someone to mess with.
“Nope.” Lieutenant Floros gave a downright feral smile—one that didn’t reach his cloudy hazel eyes. “Easy’s not my style.”
Zack could believe that but found himself struggling for an appropriate reply. Before Ryan had left yesterday, he told Zack he’d give his name to some friends and had given him a paper with some numbers on it since Zack still didn’t have a phone. But he hadn’t expected anyone to actually show up at the hospital. Hell, he and Ryan had barely had time to finish talking before Zack’s parents had returned and Ryan had made himself scarce, promising to be in touch soon.
And Zack had been right about the lecture awaiting him—any cred he’d built up by being sick had evaporated in the fiery tirade from his father about picking appropriate friends. Zack had been on the verge of blurting out everything, but then his mother had busted out the tears, telling his dad to lay off, that Zack was a good kid.
The words had died in Zack’s throat, caught by a wave of sadness that he wasn’t either of those things. He hadn’t been a kid for years, and even when he had been one, she’d been the same, long on the waterworks, short on the real help. And he wasn’t particularly good either, not when he was either lying to or alienating everyone he cared for. What he was was a coward, letting the moment go, still not ready to detonate that particular grenade.
But he was inching closer, as evidenced by the cryptic lieutenant in front of him. He’d given Ryan permission to tell his friends, but somehow he hadn’t expected someone so—
“You keep staring at me like I’m here to court-martial you.” The man took a seat in the chair closest to the bed. “I knew I should have made Maddox come with me. He’s less scary—”
“I’m not scared,” Zack said sharply. “Just trying to figure you out. Are you...” Fuck. He didn’t know how to phrase this question. Ryan had simply told him, introducing Josiah shortly after he and Zack met in this very hospital, and all Josiah’s friends like Pike made it clear through jokes and innuendo. And this guy was macho. There was a pretty good chance Ryan had sent some straight guy to see him, and here was Zack about to put his foot in it.
“Ryan said you might want to talk to a guy who’s out with the teams.”
His gaze dropped to the lieutenant’s hands. Whoa. He was married—flat gold band right there on his ring finger. “But you’re married.”
“Last I checked that was legal.” His already murky eyes got darker and his mouth tensed. “My husband died last year, but yeah, married. And out. And here to reassure you that there’s plenty of us, but clearly I’m not the right person for that.”
“I’m really sorry about your husband.” A thin spear of fear pierced Zack. Fuck. To have been out. To have loved someone. To have their freaking ring. And then...not. He tried to imagine a world without Pike in it, a world without second chances and do-overs, a world without laughter and touch, a world where he was the one left behind.
“It’s okay. The last thing you need to hear about right now is some...tragedy. Ask me about my team or my friends. Group of us would love to have you come out for breakfast or a beer with us next weekend.”
Zack’s stomach flopped, bile stinging his throat. The lieutenant was wrong. Hard as it was to think about, this wasn’t the last thing he needed to hear. In fact, maybe he needed to hear this. In all his troubles with Cobb, he’d never once thought about how it could affect those around him. “Lieutenant—”
“Apollo, please. We’re not on duty.”
“Fair enough. What if...what if someone was...stepping out of line on the teams? Hassling and stuff? Making it...hard to be...out?” Zack’s heart beat faster, simply asking the question.
“Someone harassing you? Tell me about it.” Apollo’s voice was nothing short of a direct order as he leaned forward.
“Okay.” Zack needed a breath to steady himself. “There’s this guy. Known him since BUD/S and maybe it’s not a huge deal—”
“It is. Continue.” Apollo’s broad shoulders stiffened, and his scowl was truly impressive.
“Anyway, he kind of...bothers me,” Zack continued, careful not to name Cobb, but he told Apollo the gist of the stunts Cobb had pulled, and the more he talked and the more Apollo nodded and made encouraging noises, the more he shared about what had been happening—the jokes, the blackmail, the nasty comments, all of it.
“And you haven’t reported this?” Apollo’s voice was all business as Zack finished his story.
“No, sir.”
“You were afraid of outing yourself?” Apollo’s tone shifted to a bit more sympathetic. “I’ve been there, before DADT was repealed. Nothing sucks worse than not being able to talk about the best thing in your life.”
“Yes.” Fuck. That was exactly where Zack had been for months now. But what if Apollo was right and he was risking his life to stay in the closet? That was what it really boiled down to. Could he trust these guys to have his six when it counted when they were deployed? Could he trust himself to not be distracted by the harassment? He’d almost died once, ignoring the warning signs in his body because he’d been so distracted by Cobb and Harper. Did he really want to be responsible for making Pike’s eyes as haunted as Apollo’s?
“I can get the forms for you to do a complaint to your commanding officer, but I guess the real question here is whether you’re ready. I can tell you until I’m blue in the face that you won’t be alone, but you’ve got to be ready.”
Zack looked square at Apollo and asked the only thing that really mattered. “Were you happy?”
The sadness that crossed the lieutenant’s face said volumes. “Yeah. We were. Never doubted for a minute that I did the right thing coming out to my team—we were married three weeks after the DADT repeal. Best thing I ever did.”
Zack’s sinuses burned. So much pain and longing in the other man’s words. There was only one possible reply. “Then, yeah, I’m ready.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Now, that seems like a good friend for you,” Zack’s mother remarked on her way into his hospital room Sunday morning right as Apollo was leaving, Zack’s future tucked into his leather bag. His parents had decided to go to a San Diego church of their same denomination, which let Zack have time to work with Apollo, who’d kept his word and returned first thing with the forms for a formal harassment complaint.
“That your CO?” his dad asked, more adept than his mother at spotting military guys. Apollo had been in street clothes, but he carried himself with an officer’s bearing, even in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt.
“Not mine. Just a...new friend.” Zack tiptoed around the truth.
“Speaking of friends, I’ve been thinking...” His mother’s voice was distracted as she sat down in the chair, searching through her large purse for the ever-present book of puzzles. Her thinking was never a good thing, and Zack’s spine stiffened up.
“Yeah?”
“It’s getting close to the holidays. I heard them say you’re likely to be on medical leave for a while. Why don’t you see if you can arrange to come home? Even if only for a day or two.”
Zack squished his eyes shut. He did not want to go home. There was only one person he wanted to spend the holidays with, and he wasn’t even sure Pike felt the same way. But no way did he want to deal with Danny and his family drama. “I probably can’t get leave. I’ll be ready for duty soon enough.”
“You could try. I’m thinking we could have Leslie and her parents over. I told you how upset she was to hear you were sick.”
“Mom. Leslie and I are never going to be a thing.
” Zack managed to get that much of the truth out.
“Stop meddling, Edith,” Zack’s father said to her. “Man probably doesn’t want something long-distance. Young guy like Zack, he needs to meet some of the young women we saw at church today. We picked up a brochure for you and put you on their mailing list—”
“You did what?” Zack blinked. “I don’t want to be on some church’s mailing list.”
“Now, honey, it’s past time you found a church family close to base,” his mother soothed. “And your father’s right, there were so many nice girls your age there.”
If Zack ever found the inside of a church again, it certainly wouldn’t be the sort his parents would approve of. I’m never going back to your denomination. Never going to listen to another hate-filled sermon. The words were right there in Zack’s mouth, but his father spoke first.
“Maybe the friend who just left knows some suitable girls he can introduce you to,” his dad said gruffly. “Looks like the sort of man who’s never short female company.”
Zack had to laugh at that. “I doubt that. He’s a widower.”
“Oh that poor man.” His mother’s eyes went liquid and soft. “What happened to his wife?”
Zack took a deep breath. He was done lying about his friends. “Husband died.”
“Husband?” His mother made a face like she’d gotten a mouth full of soap.
“Another queer?” His father’s face turned mottled red. “Son, what are you doing? Associating with degenerates—”
Zack had to laugh at that. “Lieutenant Floros has a whole lot of medals that would disagree with that. Ryan too. They’ve both commanded SEAL teams in combat zones—”
“I don’t care if the liberal-loving president himself gave them medals, I don’t want them around my son. Husband. That’s unnatural.” Sweat beaded up along his father’s thinning hairline.
Off Base Page 20
