“I do,” I responded quietly. I knew in my head that she didn’t understand, because she’d never wanted for anything material, but it hurt a bit that she didn’t. I thought she knew me well enough to get where I was coming from.
She shrugged and dropped her hands to her side. The look on her face was tearing me apart, so I walked over and pressed my lips to her forehead gently.
“I’ve gotta go,” I said as I pulled away. I placed my finger under her chin and lifted her face so that I could look at her. “I’ll see ya, Red.”
Once I arrived at the little apartment, it didn’t take me long to unpack my meager belongings. I put everything where it belonged and walked through, checking out the place once again. It wasn’t much to look at, but it was mine, and I was happy to be back on the right track.
When my stomach growled, I realized that I needed to go and get some food for the refrigerator and cupboard. I no longer had the variety of items in Sasha’s pantry to choose from. It was time for me to get back to reality.
There was a local grocery store on the corner, so I decided to walk over rather than drive. As I walked through the neighborhood, I saw a group of kids throwing a football in an open field. I smiled, thinking of the times that I got to spend with Cal and Scott growing up. I didn’t always get to hang out and play with them, but the days that I did were some of the best I’d ever had. I hadn’t had a lot of opportunities to be carefree and enjoy being a kid, but my friends had took me into their fold and showed me how.
I picked up the grocer’s ad and scanned it as I walked in, and picked up one of the baskets against the wall. I didn’t have another job with Brock until the next day, and until we got the shop up and running, I was going to have to get used to buying the bare essentials.
I walked the aisles quickly, looking for the items I needed: shampoo/body wash combo, bread, milk, bananas, peanut butter, jelly, a canister of rolled oats, coffee, beans, and hot dogs. I figured that would last me the next couple days.
Bags in hand, I walked the short distance back to my new place, enjoying the gentle breeze and scanning the area for signs of life. It looked to be a nice, quiet neighborhood, with families scattered throughout. All of the cars were middle class, with the exception of one sweet Camaro on the corner, and I thought that maybe we should get some business cards made to start advertising the new shop.
I felt hopeful as I let myself back into my new digs. I wanted to believe that things were looking up, and that I wouldn’t have another setback in my life. I needed to believe it.
After I put away my groceries, I snagged a banana and my book, and settled down on the couch. I looked to my left and felt a twinge that I wouldn’t be hanging out with Sasha tonight. I’d gotten used to spending my evenings with her, and realized that I’d begun to look forward to them.
I was going to miss that.
Chapter 26 – Sasha
I was alone … again. I couldn’t stop the sadness from weighing me down. I’d thought my relationship with TJ was different. I thought he’d be the one to stay. And now that I’d had him here, in my home and in my heart, how was I going to go back to the way things were before? How could so much change in three weeks’ time?
I ignored the banging on my door, instead pulling my blankets up over my head and willing whomever it was to disappear.
“Sasha, open up!” I heard Shelly yelling through the door.
“Ugh!” I threw the blankets off and shuffled to the door, throwing it open just as the banging began again. I turned and walked back to the couch, leaving the door open behind me as I crawled back under the covers.
“Are you okay?” I heard Gaby ask from somewhere above me. I didn’t bother to answer. I was obviously not okay.
“Sash … Can we do anything?” This came from Shelly.
“No!” I bellowed from under the covers. “Just leave me alone.”
“Not gonna happen, sister,” Gaby said sweetly. I grimaced at her and stuck out my tongue, but since my head was buried, the effect was lost on her.
“Yeah, we brought provisions,” Shelly added.
I slowly pushed the cover off of my head and peered out. “Provisions?”
Shelly held up the movie Bridesmaids and a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream, while Gaby held up two bottles of wine.
“I love you guys,” I replied, and to my mortification, I started to cry.
“Oh …” Shelly murmured as she put the stuff on the table and gathered me into her arms. “Did you talk to him?”
“I ... I t-tried,” I managed to say between sobs. “But, he said that he didn’t want to be my roommate, or a ‘kept man,’ whatever that means.”
“Did you tell him that you’re in love with him?” Gaby asked softly.
I wiped my face and looked at my friends, then shook my head.
“No, I couldn’t. Not when he said that he didn’t want to be my charity case.” I hung my head, miserable. “I tried to explain my feelings, but he just didn’t get it. He’s so hung up on the fact that I have money and he doesn’t, I don’t think it would matter if I told him how I feel.”
“Of course it would, honey.” Shelly pushed my hair back off my face. “Look, you know TJ. He’s a proud man who’s had a really rough life. Just when things were going well for him, he had the rug pulled out from under him again, and he lost his job and his place. It’s always been important for him to be independent, to know that he doesn’t have to rely on anyone. I think if you were honest with him, told him that you love him, and want to have a real relationship with him, not just sex, he would be able to come to terms with the difference in your income. But, you have to give him a chance, Sasha, and you have to look at it from his side. You’re a rich and successful woman, and you’ve always had the stability that he yearns for.”
“TJ needs to be a partner with someone,” Gaby added. “He won’t want to feel like you bring more to the relationship than he does. You’re going to have to open yourself up, and explain why you want to be with him. I know that will make you vulnerable, and that’s hard for you, but it’s the only way that you’re going to convince him that the emotional stability that he can offer you far outweighs how much money he makes.”
“Okay,” I replied as their words sunk in. They both made a lot of sense, and I hoped what they said was true. “But, what if he says no?”
“What if he says yes?” Shelly countered.
“At least you’ll know,” Gaby added. “You’ll never know his reaction, if you don’t give him the words.”
“Can I have some wine now?” I asked pitifully.
“Yup,” Gaby said with a smile. “There’s one for you, and one for me … Since this one is on the wagon for the next year or so.” Gaby pointed at Shelly with a wine bottle, then disappeared into the kitchen.
“How are you feeling?” I asked, suddenly feeling guilty that I’d been so focused on myself that I hadn’t asked.
“I’ve been a little nauseous, but it hasn’t been too bad.” Shelly smiled as she laid her hand on her still-flat belly. “Cal and I go to the doctor’s this Friday. We’ll get to listen to the heartbeat. I’m so excited!”
Gaby came back in with two glasses of wine, and handed one to me.
“I’ll put the movie in, if you’ll dish up the ice cream,” Gaby said to Shelly, who hopped up to do just that.
I sipped on my wine and asked Gaby as she turned on the TV, “Do you think he feels the same way, Gabs? That he loves me too?”
Gaby walked to me and put her hands on my cheeks, her blue eyes piercing mine. “Of course he does. I’ve always held out hope that the two of you would get together. When I saw you guys at dinner, as a couple, I knew that I was right. You belong together. You make each other laugh, have a wonderful friendship, and an obvious chemistry. You fit.”
Shelly came back with the ice cream, and I scooted over so we could all fit on the couch under the blanket. I sat back with my ice cream as the previews began to play, and beg
an to plan. I would give TJ a couple days to get set up in his new place, and with his new job, then I would talk to him. A couple days would give me the chance to figure out what I wanted to say, as well as to build up the nerve it was going to take to put myself out there.
I had to believe that he was worth it … That we were worth it.
Chapter 27 – TJ
The last couple of days had been equal parts boring and exciting. Cal and I were moving forward with our plans, we’d gotten those business cards made, and everything was starting to really feel like it was coming together. I’d picked up a few jobs with Brock, which not only kept some cash in my pocket, but kept me busy so I couldn’t focus on how much I missed Sasha. I hadn’t seen her since I left her house, but I wanted to. I needed to make sure that we were okay, and I wanted to see how she was doing. I was hoping that she was missing me as much as I’d been missing her.
I arrived at the bar, where I was meeting the guys to talk about the shop and celebrate. I was a few minutes early because I just hadn’t been able to stand being alone in my apartment for another second. I wanted to be around people, so I figured I’d have a beer at the bar while I waited for the guys.
When I walked in I was surprised to see Sasha sitting at one of the high tables by the bar. I felt the grin on my face, and the pleasure at the sight of her, then I noticed that she was with some douche in a suit.
She looked great as always, dressed in a slim white skirt and a pretty blue-and-white shirt, with her signature killer heels on. I didn’t know the douche, but when she leaned in and touched his hand as she laughed, the pleasure I’d felt was replaced with fire and jealousy.
Without pausing to think, let alone ask her what was going on, I walked over and stopped right next to their table and let my jealousy guide me.
“I’d ask how you’re doing, but you seem to be getting along well, Red,” I said rudely as I glared at the douche, not even looking at her. He looked confused and turned to Sasha for a reaction.
“Hey, TJ.” She looked surprised to see me there and I noticed her hand shook slightly as she put down her martini glass. “How’ve you been? You meeting someone?” She looked behind me before training her eyes back on me.
“I’m meeting the guys,” I crossed my hands over my chest to bring attention to my biceps and the fact that I could beat this guy’s ass any day of the week. “What are you doing here?”
I looked pointedly in between the two of them, and I could tell when Sasha got my meaning because she rose and threw her napkin on the table.
“Oh, I’m sorry … If you expected me to be home in my pajamas, crying and eating ice cream, you’ve got the wrong girl,” she spat out, her eyes burning in to mine.
“No, I’d never expect you to convey that much emotion,” I retorted spitefully. “But I also didn’t expect to see you move on so quickly either. Shit, Sash, the sheets aren’t even cold yet.”
At her sharp intake of breath, I knew I’d gone too far, but I was too pissed and hurt to care. Rather than wait for her response, I pushed past her and walked into the men’s room.
Fuck!
I leaned against the counter and looked at myself in the mirror. How had things gotten so fucked up? The last few weeks had been amazing. Special. And I’d thought that maybe once I got settled and got my shit together, I could see if Sasha wanted to give us a try for real. Maybe I’d just been fooling myself and read too much into things, and I needed to walk away free and clear, just like we’d promised.
I decided to man up and go back out there and apologize. I’d been a total dick, and I knew I’d hurt her with my words. I needed to fix this.
I swung the bathroom door open, almost hitting Sasha, who was standing in the hallway waiting for me.
“I’m s …” I started to apologize, but she held her hand up, indicating I should stop.
“That’s Clark. From work. We get together for drinks after work sometimes and discuss listings. That’s all.” She looked so beautiful, and I wanted to take her in my arms. “You hurt me, TJ.” The look on her face made me feel like a total shit as her words slashed through me. “I lied. I did cry and eat ice cream in my pajamas. I have so much I want to say to you, but I think you need more time. I didn’t think you’d be ready to hear what I have to say …. And after the way you just acted, I can see that I was right.”
I watched her walk away, and part of me wanted to yell after her to stop, but I needed to process what she’d just said.
I stopped at the bar to order a drink, and jumped when someone clapped a hand on my shoulder.
“You alright, man?” Cal asked from my right.
“Yeah … I just didn’t hear you come up,” I replied. “Let’s go grab a booth.”
“Scott said he’s running a couple minutes behind,” Cal mentioned as we made our way to a table. “You look like shit.”
I nodded. I sure felt like shit, so I wasn’t surprised that I looked like it.
“I just had a run-in with Sasha.”
“A run-in? What happened?”
“Fuck, brother, I pretty much accused her of sleeping with a guy she worked with,” I admitted angrily.
“Why would it matter if she was? You guys aren’t seeing each other anymore, right?” Cal was looking at me a little too intently, as if he could see into my soul.
“No, technically we’re not, but when I saw her with that guy I totally lost my shit. I saw red. I hate the thought of her being with anyone else,” I responded.
“You love her,” Cal said simply.
“I can’t love her, Cal.” I shook my head in denial. “We’ve been friends forever.”
“Friendship is the best basis for a relationship.”
“But she’s rich, always has been. She’d never be able to live the life that I lead. Not happily.”
“What do you mean, live the life you lead?” Cal asked, confused. “She has a job, makes her own money. Are you saying in order to be with you, she’d have to give up her job, and her inheritance?”
“No, I’m not saying she has to give up anything. I’m saying that I can’t afford what she’s used to.”
“But, you don’t have to, because she can afford those things herself.”
“So, where does that leave me?” I asked. “I can’t live off of her like some sugar mama.”
Cal looked like he wanted to slap me.
“Are you being serious right now?”
“Yes.” God, I was frustrated. No one seemed to understand where I was coming from. “I can’t live up to her standards. I just can’t. I’ll never be able to afford it. What am I supposed to do, expect her to pay all of the bills? I can’t live like that, man.”
“Look, TJ … I understand what you’re saying. I really do. But you need to realize that, in the grand scheme of things, how much money you make doesn’t matter.”
“It does,” I argued.
“Hear me out. Forget about the money.” I nodded, indicating that I was listening. “This is what you need to think about: does Sasha make you happy? Does she make you laugh? How do you feel when you kiss her, hold her, make love to her? Can you be in the same room with her, not saying or doing anything, and feel content? Does she make you want to be a better person?”
I watched him. Silent, as his questions tumbled through my brain.
“Those are the important things.” Cal’s face was serious as he spoke, and I knew out of everyone that I knew in this world, Cal knew what it was like to be in love with someone, unconditionally. “If you can answer yes to those questions, then the material shit doesn’t matter. Follow your heart, brother. It’ll never steer you wrong.”
Chapter 28 – Sasha
A few days later I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. I was ready to put my heart on the line and take a chance on happily ever after. I was tired of waiting around for a man to claim me, and realized that if I wanted TJ badly enough, I was willing to take the risk and go after him. Just like I did in every other aspect of my life.
I tried to remain calm as I pulled my straightened hair back into a ponytail. I wasn’t sure if I was spending so much time getting ready because I wanted to look good when I went and saw TJ, or if I was just really nervous and doing whatever I could to delay the inevitable.
I’d opted for a summery dress and heels, because TJ loves me in heels, with light makeup and smooth hair. As I stood, staring at my reflection, I knew that there was nothing else to do now but find my inner badass and go get my man. With one last wink to myself, I took a deep breath and set off to do just that.
When I stood at TJ’s door, fist raised ready to knock, my moxy was suddenly gone, replaced by nerves and fear.
What if I tell him I love him, and he doesn’t feel the same? What if I lay my heart out and he rejects me? Oh God … maybe I should just come back later.
I told my inner voice to go to hell and knocked. After a few seconds a sexily rumpled TJ answered the door, his sandy hair askew and his eyes barely open.
“Did I wake you?” I asked, willing to use that as an excuse to come back later.
“Um, no … Well, yeah, but come on in.” TJ stood to the side to let me in, and I had to stop my hands from reaching out and running along his bare chest. His gym shorts were slung low on his hips, and the look of him made me want to take his hand in mine and lead him right back to bed.
Maybe after we talked … if things went my way.
“I’m sorry to come by without calling, I thought you’d be up,” I explained as I followed him into his living room.
“You don’t have to call first, Sasha. You can stop by whenever you want.” He stopped and ran his hand through his hair, looking out of sorts. “You mind if I make some coffee real quick?”
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