by Tawny Weber
“I tried to be good. I tried, Mom, I tried.” So many tears, she saw one spatter on the letter and sobbed harder trying to wipe it off. Not wanting anything to damage it. She put it back in the album.
She remembered that twice her mother had been sleeping, but still in pain, and she’d leave her there because she just needed space. Sophia knew she had been the worst daughter in the world.
“Ah God, Mom.” She grabbed the second box still on the floor and yanked it open. She knew it had some of her mother’s things. Not photos. She started pulling the contents out until she finally found what she was looking for. Her mother’s jewelry box. She clawed at the tiny little clasp and finally got it open. All of the jewelry fell out in a jumble.
“Dammit! Look what I’ve done now.” She pawed through the pile, but couldn’t find what she was looking for. “I can’t find it, Mom. Your locket I can’t find it.” More tears came.
She held up the tangled mess and sobbed.
“Why can’t I do anything right? I’m sorry, Mom.”
Big, strong arms swept her up and carried her to the sofa.
“Go way. Need Kleenex.” Mason understood her slurred words. He kissed her forehead and was back before she even realized he had left. He had brought a glass of water for her too. He blotted her tears and then waited for her to blow her nose.
“Drink this.” When her hands trembled, he held the glass steady for her as she sipped the water which only made more tears leak. His was just the kind of love her mom had been talking about.
“Can you tell me?”
She shook her head. He set down the glass of water, pulled her in, tucking her head under his chin, and held her close. She breathed in the scent of him. It soothed her.
“This is helping,” she finally said.
“I’m glad.”
She spied the letter where it lay on the coffee table. She reached for it and handed it to him.
“Before you read it, I need you to know some things, okay? And I need you to really look at me and listen. And not listen through the lens of someone who loves me. Can you make that promise? On your honor?”
“On my honor.”
“In the end for the last two months of my mother’s life it was brutal. There were so many times she didn’t recognize me. When she did, she was in so much pain the medication often didn’t manage it. There were a few times we could reminisce about when she was all there. But they were few and far between.” Sophia grabbed the glass and finished what was left of the water.
“Mostly it was bad. I hated seeing her like that. I was lucky to get two hours of sleep because she would talk and moan in her sleep. I would try to keep her spirits up, but sometimes I would just take off. That’s how I ended up seeing you at Moonlight Beach. I should have been there with her. I actually lost my temper twice when she threw her dinner across the room. She thought I was poisoning her food.”
“Oh Sophia, why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“Let me finish.”
“I yelled at my mother. I actually yelled at her. She was sick in bed, obviously sick out of her mind, and I yelled at her. What kind of monster was I? I didn’t just do it once Mason, I did it twice. I swear to God, I don’t know which one of us was sicker.” Sophia took a breath, but it wouldn’t come. She tried taking another, but nothing. She looked up at Mason, and grabbed her chest, willing air into her lungs, but it was as if all the air had left the living room.
He sat them up and pushed her head between her knees.
“It’s okay baby, you’re having a panic attack.” He stroked his hand down her spine, up and down. Up and down. She felt gentle kisses on the top of her head, as he whispered nonsense that made her smile. Finally, she felt air slip into her lungs.
He swung her around so she was once again nestled in his arms.
“Can I read the letter now?” She nodded. She watched his every expression. Watched as he rapidly blinked trying to stave off tears. Then he gave her that special Mason smile.
“Your mother was as special as you are. When did she write this, baby?”
“That’s what I don’t get. It was written two weeks before she died. It was after I was such a bitch.” He sifted his fingers through her hair so he could cup the back of her head. “Oh, Mason. All that time with her and I don’t know how she could have said such nice things. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I don’t know how she could have when I was such a mess at the end.”
“She knew, baby, she knew. Just reading this letter tells me she knew. Is that what the dreams have been about?”
“I hadn’t been able to figure them out until now. She’s been on my mind so much. Margie and Frannie have been great, but I wanted my mom to see me in my wedding dress.” She grabbed the Kleenex box. “Fuck! When am I going to stop crying? It hurts so much. I want her back.” Mason didn’t say anything. He just held her.
Mason needed to snag a tissue for himself. How could someone as loving and caring as Sophia think she had ever done anything she needed to atone for? He tried to imagine those last months in a tiny trailer with her mother, caring for her twenty-four-seven and not breaking.
She was sleeping soundly, he moved her so he could pick up some of the mess. He didn’t want her to have to deal with it in the morning. He quietly and carefully placed all of the things back into the box, and finally picked up the jewelry, untangling it as he went. He made note of a bright silver locket he had seen Caroline wearing in each of the pictures around the house, and set it aside. The rest he put back into the jewelry box.
He carried Sophia into their bedroom, happy with the way she snuggled up next to him. Tonight she would finally sleep without bad dreams. He hated the talk he was going to have to have with her in the morning. Not the one where he convinced her she had basically been sleep deprived and in a torturous environment, and, of course, she would have come unglued a couple of times, anyone would have.
He was also going to suggest she see the same counselor who had helped her after the attack she had suffered two years ago. But it was really her mother who had done the most healing thing possible by writing that letter. Caroline Anderson was one hell of a woman, and Mason was just sorry he had never had a chance to meet her. No, he wasn’t worried about having that conversation at all.
It was the conversation where he had to tell Sophia he had been stupid and assumed instead of asking. She was going to kick his ever-loving ass from here to Coronado and back. Then the guys were going to take up where she left off. God, he really didn’t want to have to admit to this, but two things were forcing him to come clean. One was Drake Avery. If he knew, eventually it would get back to Sophia. But the more important thing was he didn’t want to keep something so important from the woman he was going to marry. He wanted to let her know how screwed up his thinking had been, and that he had learned his lesson. At least, he was pretty damn sure he had learned his lesson. Fuck, he better have learned his lesson.
“Mason?” Sophia yawned softly. “You’re thinking too hard. Hold me and sleep with me.” He smiled and kissed her swollen lips.
“You’re right.” He shifted down on the pillows, pulled her closer, and let his eyes drift shut. Just four, scratch that, three more days, and she would be his forever.
Chapter 8
“Breakfast in bed? I must have really scared the hell out of you last night,” she said in a teasing tone.
“You did,” Mason said as he set the tray on her lap and fluffed one of his pillows behind her head. “More than that, you made me ache for you. Now eat up, then we’ll talk.”
Sophia looked down and saw he’d made her French toast and he’d picked a lily out of their yard and put it in a vase. The man was always making her feel special. “There’s too much food you’re going to have to share.”
He grinned.
“I think you planned that.”
“Maybe.” His smile got bigger. Then she noticed the second fork and she laughed.
“You’re a
good cook, Gault,” she complimented.
“Thanks.” He set down his fork.
“I’m not done,” Sophia protested as he took her fork out of her hand.
“You stopped eating five minutes ago. You just want to avoid talking,” he said as he took the tray off her lap and set it on their dresser. He came back and bracketed her with his arms and looked into her eyes.
“You were a good daughter. Your mother told you so.”
Sophia let out a sigh. “I feel better knowing she thought so. But–”
“But what.” Mason tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.
“But I still don’t feel it in my heart. I should have done better.”
“Can you do me a favor?”
“What?” she asked cautiously.
“Close your eyes.” He waited until she did.
“Can you imagine yourself sick? Out of your mind with pain?” She grabbed his hands, hard. “Day in and day out the pain gets worse and you can’t take care of yourself. The only person you have to depend on is Billy.” Sophia gasped. She could see it so clearly.
“Tell me. Tell me what you see,” Mason asked.
“Poor Billy. He hurts so much. I see him so sad such suffering.”
“You mean you?”
“No, Billy. I ache for him. He hates to see me like this. I feel so bad for him.”
“But what about you?” Mason persisted.
“I don’t care. I so appreciate him and I hate to see him so sad.”
“But aren’t you mad when he yells at you?”
“Of course not! This is too much to ask,” Sophia said vehemently. Her eyes popped open. She met Mason’s soft gaze which was filled with understanding.
“You were in one of the worst situations imaginable. That’s why they arrange for people to have days off, relief workers who can come in and take over for a while so the primary caregivers can take a break.”
“I still took breaks when I shouldn’t have and I still lost my temper.”
“Sophia, this guilt has been with you a long time. I think you might need some help seeing things clearly. Remember when you were having trouble after the attack?”
“You think I need counseling for this?” Sophia thought about the woman who had helped her before. She’d had a great deal of insight and Sophia had felt really comfortable talking to her.
“Maybe you’re right, Mason. I can’t seem to get over this by myself. But God, you helped so much. Pretending this was Billy and I really helped.”
“I’m glad. There is something else that might make you feel better. You have the opportunity to kick my ass for being a dumb shit.” She tilted her head.
“Seriously, Soph, I fucked up. I assumed.”
“I thought we’ve covered this before.” She stroked his arm. He seemed to be feeling real badly.
“Just know I was trying to protect you.”
“Dammit, Mason.” She pushed up from the pillows. “I thought we got past that too. I’m a big girl. If I need your protection, I’ll ask for it.”
“You’ve got to admit, you’ve been twisted up lately. You’ve been having nightmares and you haven’t been eating. It all happened when I came back from the last mission with my shoulder wound.”
“Yeah, because of this unresolved stuff with Mom.”
“I know that now.”
“Okay, so you assumed it was about your injury. It’s not a big deal, but something sure as hell is. Spill it.”
“I decided to take a desk job.” She shoved at his chest. He didn’t budge it was like pushing at a wall which just made her angrier.
“You decided to take a fucking desk job. Without talking to me? All because you thought I was upset? Mason, I can’t believe this. You love leading your team. When did you make this decision? Have you talked to Osterman? Have you talked to your team? Am I the last one to know?” She kicked out from under the covers and stood up so she could stand over him. He bowed his head.
“No, yes, and no.”
“God dammit!” She spun around and slapped her hand against the wall. Then she turned back so she stood over him again. “I’m so mad at you. Even if I was scared about your job, it was for us to talk over. This wasn’t something for you to make a unilateral decision.”
“Sophia, you know you would never ask me to stop leading the team even if it was tearing you apart. You’d just waste away.”
“You’re not giving me credit for being an adult.”
“Yes, I am. I’m giving you credit for being the most caring and loving and compassionate woman I have ever met.”
“Apparently a compassionate airhead,” she growled.
“I’m so sorry. What can I say? I fucked up. It was an epic fuck up and I have learned my lesson.” Mason was still on the bed, looking at her, wearing his heart on his sleeve.
“Do you know how important this is to me? Can you understand this Mason? I have to trust you to be honest with me. I can’t go into a marriage with someone who doesn’t think I’m an equal.” She turned away and he reached out and gently grabbed her around her waist.
“Please, baby. You’re not just my equal you’re my everything. I would be lost without you.”
Sophia stood still.
“I sometimes forget just because you are so loving, underneath you’re the one who has kept your family together. You’re the strong one. But please know it’s a knee-jerk reaction for me to protect everyone not just you.” She thought about him with his team and realized it was his nature and she turned in his arms.
“Mason, this is serious. You can’t do this again.”
“I promise, I won’t. I will talk to you about all things that impact our family.”
“On your honor?”
“On my honor.”
“I’m mad at you but I love you. That hasn’t changed.”
“Thank fuck. So the wedding’s still on?” he asked.
“Please tell me you didn’t just assume we weren’t getting married because of a fight.”
“I immediately clarified, I get points for that, don’t I?”
“Yes, Mason, you get points for that.” She sighed.
Thank God for Linnie Gault. Sophia looked around the hotel suite and it could easily have been pandemonium. Instead, her soon-to-be mother-in-law had everything running smoothly. All of the bridesmaids were dressed and Ashley was supervising the two women who were doing their hair and make-up. Sophia had protested at the expense, but Ashley had insisted this was her wedding present.
Every one of the women looked like a model. They were getting pictures of one another. All but Sophia. She was still in a robe. Linnie had insisted she be the last one dressed. She was confused because her dress was the most complicated to put on, but she trusted the woman. She definitely had been right about everything else.
“Are you doing all right?” Frannie asked.
“I’m perfect. I couldn’t be happier.” Frannie grinned.
“I never understood women being nervous on their wedding day. I was so excited to marry my Tony. I figured it would be the same for you. Today is going to be perfect.”
Sophia smiled. It would have been perfect if her mom could have been there, but she remembered what she said in the letter and she tried to keep that in her heart.
“Sophia, I have your something new for you.” Lydia handed her a box. She let out a loud laugh. Inside was a garter that said ‘Hooyah.'
“Oh my God! This is wonderful. I love it.”
“Not as much as Mason will,” Beth said.
“Here’s your blue.” Margie gave the hairstylist blue pearl pins that she placed in her hair.
“Can I give you the something borrowed?” Rebecca asked shyly.
“I would be honored.”
Rebecca took off her charm bracelet and put it on Sophia’s wrist. “Billy gave this to me. The apple is because I taught him algebra.”
Sophia hugged the young girl.
“Thank you.”
“Now she
needs something old,” Margie said.
“Yes, she does.” Linnie looked around the room. “You’ll have to go into the sitting room for a bit. Sophia needs some privacy.”
“I do?”
“You do, sweetheart.”
Everyone filed out of the room. Linnie was last. She gave Sophia a warm hug. “I’ll be back to help you into your gown as soon as you’re done.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You will.”
The door closed. Sophia went over to the window. She could see the gazebo where they were going to say their vows. She still teared up at the thought of Tony DeLuca giving her away. He had asked for the honor after Frannie had told him Sophia wouldn’t be inviting her father to the wedding.
The air shifted and she knew Mason was behind her.
She turned and gasped. He was resplendent in his dress whites.
“Isn’t this bad luck?” she whispered.
“No, you’re not in your dress yet Mom made sure.”
“Why are you here?”
“I have your something old. Turn around.”
She watched as he carefully placed a familiar locket around her neck. Her vision blurred. He stroked her nape as he hooked the clasp. He came around to stand in front of her, she was holding the heart in her trembling hand.
“How’d you know?”
“I found it from the jewelry box when I cleaned up that night.” He traced her jaw. “Are you going to be okay?”
“I can’t get it open.”
“Let me help.” He flipped the latch.
“Oh my God, it has another plate. It used to only have pictures of Billy and me, now it has another plate with Mom’s picture too. How’d you do that?” She looked up at her own special miracle worker.
“I wanted you to have your mother here at your wedding, so I went and had a jeweler install another section with her picture.” Sophia launched herself into his waiting arms.
“Every day I fall more in love with you.”
“Ahhh, Sophia, that’s only fair. Every single day you bring more joy into my life than one man deserves.”
