Before I share any more lessons with young people, I want to share a pledge made with the hindsight wisdom of thirty years of parenting mistakes and successes which I hope parents and all adults will take to protect and care for children.
In several 1953 sermons to various South Carolina audiences on “Citizenship Education for a Period of Transition,” my daddy, a Baptist minister, said the following which seems so apt today.
The necessary qualification of parents for today’s children may be largely determined by the total impact of our shrinking transitory world. Ours is an age of international citizenship. The environment of the children today is beset with divided loyalties and tragic woes of split personalities. And in their honest efforts to be realistic, to make sense of this wholesale adult insanity, they are almost dumbfounded so that argument becomes trivial. They are being flanked on all sides by the whirlwinds of contradictions that do not make sense.
What then must need be the qualification of parents of today’s children?
I think parents ought to make every possible effort to keep an awareness of the transitions and the pressures of the times through which our children are called on to pass and be able to note with deep appreciation their power in personality changes of our children.
Parents need to be qualified to give to the children of today moral discipline and spiritual poise so that they can weather the storm of periods of transition. It is ours as parents and children to live in a time of strange irony suggesting the urgency of parents staking down the faith of their children in God and thus developing in them their moral and religious values, thereby preparing them for intelligent, effective, and loyal participation in the life of the family, community, the nation, and for world citizenship.
We must not tear down before we build up the children of today. Parents for today’s children must at all cost provide a home, center of love for the nurture and security of their children who are sorely affected by the conduct of parents. Like parent, like child is a true proverb that makes parental responsibility sacred.
Above all, parents are duty bound to keep their home intact for the sake of children. If romance and happiness leave, then you must settle for duty. Nothing must separate parents from duty. The child first and always a center of love you owe. The tragedy of our civilization is the increasing number of broken homes.
Please join me in pledging allegiance to our children and grandchildren, to their growth, their safety, their well-being, and their futures.
I PLEDGE TO:
LISTEN TO MY CHILDREN. Take time and really HEAR them. Look them in the eye and feel what they’re saying even when they’re searching for the words to express what they don’t yet understand. Listen between the lines for their emotions. Let them know you’re always there with an open ear, heart, and mind. Listening does not require you to agree with all they want; it means hearing what they feel they need.
COMMUNICATE WITH MY CHILDREN. Ask them hard questions even when you think you can’t do it. Get into their business. They won’t like it but it’s your responsibility. Tell them the truth, even when it’s the hardest thing in the world to do. Talk with them about sex, drugs, violence, and crime and keep the lines of communication open. Talk with them about your family history, the culture of your people, and the legacy of overcoming any obstacles in your path.
TEACH MY CHILDREN RIGHT FROM WRONG AND BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR THEM. In a world where our values have been so perverted, it is our responsibility to chart and lead a course toward a higher moral ground. And since our children pay far more attention to our actions than to our words, we must struggle to practice what we preach.
SPEND TIME WITH AND PAY ATTENTION TO MY CHILDREN. This isn’t easy in today’s world. With the competing demands of work, family, and day-to-day survival we’re often racing the clock. But we’ve got to create opportunities to focus on and make our children the center of our attention. It doesn’t cost money or require any special tools. Read to your children and have them read to you. Make up poems and songs, draw pictures, take photographs, play games together. Your children don’t need the latest toys or technology as much as they need your attention. Let them know how important they are to you.
EDUCATE MY CHILDREN IN MIND, BODY, AND SOUL. Our children’s education doesn’t begin and end at school. Surveys reveal that young people consistently rate their parents as their greatest heroes and role models. As their first and most significant teachers, parents have the obligation and the opportunity to set the stage for lifelong learning. Monitor and limit their TV, movie, and Internet viewing, and when you do watch TV, try to do it together and use what you see to teach. Eat and feed them a healthy diet and encourage exercise. Ask them to teach you the latest dance steps. And remember their spiritual development. Whether or not you attend church or temple or mosque regularly, talk with your children about the need to respect others and the Earth we share. Give them a sense of faith and hope and respect for a power greater than themselves.
WORK TO PROVIDE A STABLE FAMILY LIFE FOR MY CHILDREN. Families come in many shapes and sizes today and stability is one of the most important factors in a child’s well-being. Keep as much continuity in children’s lives as possible, and if and when change comes, think first about their needs and teach them to cope with it in positive, healthy ways. Let them know that you will always be there for them no matter what life may bring, and that they are not responsible for your adult problems. Talk with your children about their losses and fears and let them know you are available. Pray for and see the good in them even at moments when it isn’t visible to the naked eye. And see the value in all children and remember them in your prayers as well.
VOTE FOR MY CHILDREN TO ENSURE THEM FAIR TREATMENT AND OPPORTUNITY. Children can’t vote, but parents and grandparents can. We must keep children’s needs in mind when supporting and selecting our political leaders. Pay attention to what candidates and representatives do on behalf of children. Call, visit, write and e-mail them to remind them that you’re watching. Teach your children that their ancestors fought and died for the right to vote and that it is a powerful tool of citizenship. Take your children to vote with you and vote for candidates who vote for a strong children’s agenda. Insist that whoever you vote for commits to investing in measures that work to assure all children a Healthy Start, a Head Start, a Fair Start, and a Safe Start in life and positive youth development. Request CDF’s annual agenda, reports, and voting records on how fairly our leaders are treating children and how you can help.
SPEAK OUT AND STAND UP FOR MY CHILDREN’S NEEDS AND SUPPORT EFFECTIVE GROUPS THAT HELP CHILDREN. You are your child’s greatest advocate. Use your power to speak and act on their behalf. Our children and families are facing one of the worst crises in American history and we’ve got to do something about it. Our voices united in concern can make a mighty roar. And by supporting effective groups, we build a stronger foundation for every child’s and our own future. Stand For Children every year on or around June first in every state. Contact www.stand.org.
TWENTY-FIVE MORE LESSONS FOR LIFE
LESSON 1: Always remember that you are God’s child. No man or woman can look down on you and you cannot look down on any man or woman or child. Booker T. Washington recounted a conversation he had with Frederick Douglass who shared an unpleasant racial incident. While traveling in Pennsylvania, Douglass was forced to ride in a baggage car although he had paid the same price for his ticket as White passengers. Some White passengers who saw what happened went into the baggage car to express their sorrow that he had been degraded in this manner. Mr. Douglass straightened himself up on the box where he was sitting and replied: “They cannot degrade Frederick Douglass. The soul that is within me no man can degrade. I am not the one that is being degraded on account of this treatment, but those who are inflicting it upon me.”
Theologian Howard Thurman’s grandmother recounted to him how her slave preacher repeatedly reminded his slave congregation: “You—you are not
niggers. You—you are not slaves. You are God’s children.” I hope every child of color in this nation and world will internalize this message. I also hope every “geek” and lonely and alienated child scarred by insensitive adults and peers will too. Adults who teach children to devalue themselves or to mistreat other children deserve pity and correction. Only when enough adults practice and teach children love and respect at home, in schools, religious congregations, and in our political and civic life will racial, gender, and religious intolerance and hate crimes subside in America and the world.
LESSON 2: Don’t wait for, expect, or rely on favors. Count on earning them by hard work and perseverance. So many of us try to get by on who we know rather than what we know and work hard and long to achieve. If you rely on who you know, those who give can also take away. In no way do I seek to disparage networking and support groups. Who has not benefited from sharing experiences with those who struggled and succeeded in similar circumstances and from being lent a helping hand? And yet who among us has not seen or experienced how the “old boy” networks of elites have often profited at the expense of excluded women, minority groups, and poor people? I hope when more women and minorities crack the glass ceilings of powerful White male privilege, they will not simply join the club but help transform it. Be grateful for good breaks and kind favors but don’t count on them.
LESSON 3: Call things by their right names. We live in a culture riddled with hypocrisy. Advertising manufactures new needs and desires, makes us believe products are better than they are, and often uses symbols and slogans to deceive and mislead. The MX missile, a mass killer, is called a peacemaker, “The Marlboro Man” lures wannabe ruggeds to their death, and Joe Camel’s hip pose sucked thousands of children into tobacco addiction. The NRA’s “Eddie Eagle,” Joe Camel’s equivalent for guns, is designed more to hook children on shooting guns than on gun safety. Gun manufacturers market pearl-handled handguns to mothers as baby protectors although more children and adults are killed from guns in their households than by criminals on the streets. Political spin often trivializes and misleads. Mike McCurry, President Clinton’s former press secretary, referred to the Administration’s complete dismantlement of the sixty-year-old income safety net for poor mothers and children as “trimmings of the edges.”
LESSON 4: Don’t listen to naysayers offering no solutions or take no or but for an answer. Michael Henderson in The Forgiveness Factor: Stories of Hope in a World of Conflict tells the story of a famous evangelist confronted by a critic saying: “I don’t like your way of doing things.” The evangelist replied, “I am not very satisfied with them myself. How do you do it?” “Oh, I don’t do that sort of thing,” the critic responded. “In that case,” the evangelist said, “I prefer my way of doing it to your way of not doing it.” A lot of people come up to me after speeches saying how much they support CDF’s goals for children but simply do not support our strategies or this particular strategy. When I ask them how they would meet children’s needs in better ways, the most frequent answer is: “I don’t know.” How many times have I heard, especially from politicians, “I am for children but it will take more time to get done; but I don’t like this particular proposal; but this is not the right time; but you need to build the political support for it and come back; but the other party will block it.” “I want children to get health coverage but we ought to cover their parents too (I agree); but we need to balance the budget and there is no money to cover parents or all children; but I’m against a new government program.” I’ve learned to answer these and other buts with my own buts: “But just do it because children are dying every day and that’s morally wrong and unnecessary. But there are many ways to provide health coverage for children building on existing successful private sector and governmental models. But we can pay for it in the same way Congress pays for military increases and capital gains tax breaks and corporate welfare. But immunizing children and preventing emergency room care saves money.”
LESSON 5: Don’t be afraid to stick your neck out, to make mistakes, or to speak up. Not stupid, careless mistakes that can result in AIDS or death or that can hurt yourself and others, or mistakes you’ve already made and know their harmful consequences. I mean mistakes that come from trying to make a difference. In one of his sermons my father spoke of a picture of a turtle with its neck stuck out in the office of former Harvard President Conant which had the caption: “I can’t go forward if I don’t stick my neck out.” Mahatma Gandhi wrote to a friend, “Speak the truth, without fear and without exception. You are in God’s work, so you need not fear man’s scorn. If they listen to your requests and grant them, you will be satisfied. If they reject them, then you must make their rejection your strength.” The late Rev. Walter Murray, the gentle but courageous Lynn, Massachusetts religious leader who, after the shooting death of a youth, helped achieve safe parks and community patrols by confronting city leaders who claimed they had no money for such things, asked in a Haley Farm sermon, “Why it is that all of us who preach and sing about our powerful Father God on Sunday are afraid to confront people in power on Monday? Why is it that men of God forget who they serve in the face of earthly power and prestige?”
LESSON 6: Keep your word and your commitments. If you get married, stay married. Your children need stability and marriage is not to be shed lightly like old clothes. While I do not condone tolerating domestic violence or conditions where it is unsafe for a spouse or child to remain in a family, I also do not believe that simply seeking personal happiness or fulfillment should come at the expense of a child’s home and well-being. Who among us has not been bored, angry, disappointed, or eager for a more exciting and fulfilling spouse—sentiments I’m sure our spouses have shared. But a family is more than the desires of one or both adults. Children should come first.
LESSON 7: Be strategic, focus, and don’t scatter your energies on many things that don’t add up to a better whole. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and figure out how what you want will benefit them and not just you. So many advocates for children and the poor are ineffective because we spend more time on what we think and want to say than on what our opponents will say and think. And we do not focus on achieving one important goal at a time working together. In 1997, child advocates stood for healthy children in over 700 local events in all fifty states. This focused witness coupled with a Cyber-Stand on the Internet and a broad-based coalition of over 100 national organizations co-convened by CDF and the American Cancer Society helped enact the bipartisan (Hatch-Kennedy) Child Health Insurance Program (CHIP). CHIP will provide $48 billion over the next ten years to provide free or affordable health coverage for five of the eleven million uninsured children. Most of these children live in working families whose employers do not provide health coverage. States have now got to implement CHIP effectively.
LESSON 8: Watch out for success. It can be more dangerous than failure. “There is more to be learned in one day of discomfort, poverty, and anxiety than in a lifetime of apparent happiness, security, riches, and power,” an anonymous sage said. Success tempts you to park on yesterday’s and today’s accomplishments and to relax vigilance. When you succeed you are often a target of those who cannot stand to see another get ahead. When you fail, you have to stop and figure out how to improve. A lot of America’s current family and community breakdown and youth alienation may stem as much from too much material success as from poverty. Dr. Benjamin Mays said it plainly: “Cadillacs and Lincolns may keep you living but only your ideals will keep you alive. Youth is a time for dreaming great dreams and building air castles in great worlds. It is not how long you live but how well—always grasping—reaching forward. To be satisfied is to die.”
LESSON 9: You can’t do everything by yourself but you can do a lot. Don’t be a lone ranger who fails to reach out to and learn from others and try to reinvent every old wheel again. But don’t think you have to wait until everybody agrees with you or comes along before you try to make a difference.
Most people are never going to come along. I love to remember the three-thousand-year-old story of how three women—a mother, a sister, and a pharaoh’s daughter—transcended caste, faith, and race to save one boy baby named Moses who became God’s instrument to save the Hebrew people. I also love the story of the two slave midwives, Shiprah and Puah, who shrewdly disobeyed the pharaoh’s order to kill all male Hebrew babies because they feared God more than the earthly king. These five very unlikely social revolutionaries are models for what a few individuals with commitment can do. My friend Rev. Otis Moss told a Haley Farm retreat group, “In your time, in your space, by God’s grace, you can make a difference.” In our time, working together, we can make an even bigger difference, by God’s grace, for our children.
LESSON 10: Asking the right questions and measuring the right things may be more important than finding the right answers. Many people confuse standardized test results with innate ability, leadership, and motivation. Dr. Charles Adams, Pastor of Detroit’s Hartford Memorial Baptist Church, pointed out that neither Martin Luther King, Jr., nor Thomas Edison would have measured up on standardized tests, but one lit up the world through the light bulb and the other lit up the world through moral uplift. CDF’s board chair and Philadelphia school superintendent, David Hornbeck, who believes and is showing that all Philadelphia’s children can achieve, says, “We get what we measure and we often measure the wrong thing.” And Robert F. Kennedy eloquently reminded us in a University of Kansas speech that “Our gross national product … if we should judge America by that … does not allow for the health of our children, the quality of their education, or the joy of their play. It does not include the beauty of our poetry or the strength of our marriages; nor the intelligence of our public debate or the integrity of our public officials. It measures neither our wit nor our courage, neither our wisdom nor learning, neither our compassion nor devotion to our country. It measures everything in short, except that which makes life worthwhile. It can tell us everything about America except why we are proud that we are Americans.”
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