Kate who was kind, and gentle, and beautiful beyond words.
Rowan had gone to Landreth Ranch, and even after only a few hours apart the sight of Kate had taken her breath away.
She was falling hard. She could feel it in the way her heart expanded at the thought of Kate. When they’d first met, she’d assumed that Kate was a Southern, down-home Christian country girl, who would have run at the thought of even talking to a lesbian. As it turned out, Kate was a Southern, down-home Christian country girl who was also a lesbian and also every bit as into Rowan as Rowan was into her.
Some impressions, she was coming to find, shouldn’t be trusted.
She didn’t want to go in to work. The kitchen would require focus and that meant finding a way to tear her thoughts off of Kate. Despite not wanting to leave her happy bubble, the afternoon flew past, and before she knew it, it was time to head to On the Range.
She slung her backpack over her shoulder as she left her apartment. Locking her door behind her, she started down the stairs, only to run into Betty from Dave’s party as she reached the floor below her.
“Hi, Rowan,” Betty said, falling in alongside her. “Headed off to work?”
Rowan smiled, glad for the friendly greeting and familiar face. “The start of another week.”
“Hope it’s a great one,” Betty said. “I’d love to get together and talk more about food and cooking techniques.”
“That would be great.” She reached her car at the bottom of the stairs. “You have a great day as well.”
Betty waved good-bye and Rowan climbed into her car, quickly cranking the AC.
Punk music blasted from the speakers, playing the album she had burned of her favorite Portland bands. She’d been listening to that album pretty much nonstop, but this time as the heavy guitar riffs and blast beats on the drums filled her car she found the sounds loud and jarring. The conversation with Betty, the music, they were all just distractions, and she wanted a few moments before the busy rush of work to think of Kate uninterrupted.
She switched her stereo over to the radio and scrolled through the different stations until she found the local country music station, then pulled out of the parking lot. The music had a Southern twang and was not at all what she would typically listen to, but she could hear Kate in it. The songs conjured images of Kate riding her horse through the open fields to round up her cattle, Kate teaching her to ride, Kate kissing her, back in the rain outside of the barn.
She especially liked that last image.
She was still smiling when she walked into the kitchen, setting her backpack down and pulling out her chef’s knives. Energy and excitement hummed through her, and she knew it was going to translate into her food. She always cooked best when she was energized and engaged, when she was happy. Daniel wanted clean and precise plates, but more than that he wanted food that was cooked with passion, and she felt like she could deliver on that. She’d had a couple of rough nights over the past couple of weeks. She’d cooked well, but this time she knew she could be perfect.
The dinner rush started off slow but was busier as the night progressed. Sure enough, she maintained her iron focus and sent out food with a meticulous attention to detail. Every steak had deep, even grill marks and the cook was balanced throughout the entire piece of meat. She executed the timing of all of the dishes with flawless precision. As each hour went by with no detail having been overlooked, her confidence grew.
Daniel congratulated her a number of times throughout the evening, and she noticed he was overseeing her less as the night wore on.
Even during the busiest hours of the evening she maintained her composure and kept up with the orders. She finished the meats with precision timing, ensuring that orders were completed together, and she never once fell behind or found herself in the weeds.
When the night wound to a close, she was exhausted, but exhilarated. She’d done it.
She was back on her game.
“Rowan,” Daniel said, once the other staff had finished packing up and filtering out of the kitchen. “You did great tonight. I saw a fire in you that I haven’t seen before.”
His voice was quiet and serious, but the words bolstered Rowan and she found herself standing a little taller in front of him. “Thank you.”
Daniel gave a single nod. “You’re a good chef, Rowan.”
Pride pulled Rowan a little taller. This night was what she’d been working toward. She had been great, and Daniel was recognizing her skill. She had almost come to believe she would be incapable of reaching this moment.
“Look,” he continued, and something in his expression and his tone of voice caused anxiety to knot in Rowan’s stomach. “I think you have a really promising career ahead, but I’m afraid I needed to see that passion and precision in this kitchen far sooner.”
The pride burst, leaving a hole of defeat in her chest. She tried to form words to ask what he meant, but the language wouldn’t form in her mind. She had spent the evening cooking better than ever before in her life. All she could do was stand there, waiting for Daniel to continue.
“You have an incredible amount of natural talent with food, but you’re not quite ready for a kitchen of this level.”
Her lungs tightened, and she had to remind herself to breathe. All the while, Daniel kept talking.
“I think you will be ready, and based on tonight’s performance I think you’re very nearly there, but you need to refine your skills a little more before you’re really ready for this level.”
“With all due respect, I am ready. I think I proved that tonight.” She somehow managed to keep her voice steady while she felt anything but. Panicky and desperate, she searched for the words to make him reconsider. “I will admit there have been some shaky evenings. This move was hard on me. I lost my focus and passion for a little while. I’m here now. I’m ready now.”
She didn’t want to beg, but this job was everything to her. Her focus hadn’t been there the way it should have been, but that wasn’t a reflection of her skill or readiness. She needed Daniel to see that.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve already hired a new grillardin. I really do wish you all the best in your future endeavors in the kitchen. I will even be happy to provide you with a strong reference. I think you’re going to be an amazing chef, but this kitchen at this time isn’t the right place for you.”
Defeat hit her like a tank, slamming straight into her chest. There was nothing she could do or say that would change Daniel’s mind. She’d cooked better than she ever had in her life over the course of the evening, and that hadn’t been enough. The writing had been on the wall before she ever stepped in to work that evening. Tears threatened, and she swallowed them, determined not to humiliate herself further by crying in front of Daniel.
“Thank you for the opportunity and the experience,” she managed to choke out.
Daniel softened. “Listen, I didn’t get to where I am today without getting kicked down a few times. It’s part of growing. Keep cooking and you’ll get to where you want to be.”
The empathy in his voice only made the threat of emotion that much more imminent, so she nodded, picked up her bag, and left the kitchen for the last time, determined to make it to her car before losing the fight against the tears. She made it, but barely.
She had desperately wanted this job— the kind of job she had dreamed of since she’d first thought of working in the food industry. She’d gotten her dream job and she’d lost it. Her pride was hurt. Her heart was hurt.
She sat there, head against the steering wheel, sad and lost. She had no clue what the next step would be.
She started the ignition, but she couldn’t stand the thought of going to her empty apartment. Her apartment that was miles away from home where she’d be completely alone.
She found herself headed out of the city into the Texas countryside toward Kate’s ranch.
It was the only place she could find some comfort.
❊ ❊ �
��
Kate woke to the sound of her phone ringing on her nightstand. Groggy, she turned over to see who was calling in the middle of the night, eager to silence the phone and go back to sleep. When she saw Rowan’s name, her irritation dissipated.
“Rowan?” she asked as she rubbed sleep from her eyes and checked the time. It was nearly 2 a.m.
“Hi,” Rowan said.
She could tell from the single flat word that something wasn’t right. “What’s wrong?”
There was a long beat of silence before Rowan replied. “I know it’s late, but can I come over? I need to see you.”
Kate was already climbing out of bed and turning on the lights. She pulled a pair of jeans on underneath her oversized sleep shirt. “Of course. What’s going on?”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Rowan said, and the phone clicked off, leaving her standing in her dark bedroom, fear swirling low in her belly.
She changed her shirt and went out to the front porch to wait for Rowan as her mind ran through all of the worst-case scenarios that could have Rowan racing out to her ranch in the middle of the night.
She tried to reassure herself that things would be all right, but her mind flashed back to the day she had received the call from Owen that her dad had been in an accident. She knew better than anyone that life could change in an instant, so try as she might to calm her nerves she couldn’t help the fear that seeped into her thoughts.
She didn’t have to worry long, as it was only a few minutes before the headlights shone into the drive. She realized Rowan had been nearly to the ranch when she called.
Kate went to Rowan as she climbed out of her car, shoulders slumped. Even in the moonlight, she could see that Rowan had been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy.
Kate didn’t hesitate. She pulled Rowan into her arms and enveloped her in her embrace. Rowan sank into her, burying her face in Kate’s neck.
“Hey,” Kate said. “It’s okay. Talk to me. What happened?”
Rowan stood for a long moment, breathing deeply, arms tight around Kate’s waist and head still buried in her neck. Then she pulled back slightly. “I got fired.”
“What?” Kate looked into Rowan’s eyes. A wave of relief washed over her, followed by a deep ache. She knew how much Rowan cared about that job. “What happened?”
Rowan gave a small shrug. “Nothing happened. Not tonight. I was completely on my game. I guess I haven’t been as focused as I should have been. My work hasn’t been bad, but it hasn’t been excellent. This is a job that requires excellence, and my head wasn’t in it like it should have been.”
Kate hadn’t realized Rowan had been struggling at work, and she felt a flash of hurt that Rowan hadn’t talked to her sooner. But Rowan was there now, and needed her support.
“I wanted this so badly,” Rowan said. “I really tried.”
“Oh Rowan.” Kate brushed her lips over Rowan’s forehead. “I know you did.”
Tears welled in Rowan’s eyes, and Kate pulled her close again. She gently stroked Rowan’s back, reassuring her things would be okay. As she said the words, though, she found herself wondering what Rowan’s job loss meant for them. She didn’t want to think of herself, but the awareness crept in. Rowan had moved to Texas for the job, and now she no longer had that job.
“Come on.” She felt as if she couldn’t breathe. “Let’s go watch the stars.”
Rowan nodded and allowed Kate to lead her out to the field.
She found a clear patch of grass and lay down, pulling Rowan with her. She rested on her back with one arm out, Rowan settling her head on Kate’s arm.
“The stars are so bright out here,” Rowan said.
“Yeah. You can’t see stars like this in the city. This is where I always go when I’m feeling sad or scared.”
Rowan didn’t say anything; she just looked up at the stars, and Kate did the same. It was a clear night, and the stars speckled the sky in bright clusters. The pale line of the Milky Way could be seen trailing faintly through the night sky.
Kate’s problems always felt a little smaller when she looked up at the stars. There was something about the permanence of those little lights that grounded her.
“That’s Orion, the hunter,” she said after a few minutes, pointing up to the three stars in a straight line that made up his belt. “And those over there are Ursa Major and Ursa Minor— the Big Dipper and Little Dipper.”
“All I see are dots,” Rowan said.
“The dots connect, I promise.”
Rowan studied the sky, breathing steadily, but said nothing.
Kate used to wonder if her mom looked up at the same constellations, and she felt connected even though her mom had left. She wondered if soon those stars would be the only link between herself and Rowan.
“Do you see that star there?” Kate pointed up at one particularly bright star.
Rowan nodded against her arm.
“That’s the North Star. It’s the only the star in the sky that stays in the same position as the Earth rotates. People use it to find their way home.”
“Will it show me where to go?” Rowan asked, her voice barely a whisper.
Kate wondered the same thing. “I’m sorry you lost your job. I know how important it was to you.”
“It was.”
So many words hung unspoken between the two of them. Kate didn’t want to be the one to voice them and was certain that she didn’t want to hear the answers to the unspoken questions. Instead, she leaned over and kissed Rowan lightly, tasting the saltiness of tears on her lips.
Rowan kissed her back, slowly but with a palpable urgency. It was the type of kiss that said everything and nothing at the same time, hope and grief all mixed up together.
When they broke apart, Kate lay back down, and they stared at the sky wordlessly for a long while. She looked up at the bright light of the North Star, wondering where it would lead Rowan.
She feared she already knew the answer.
Chapter Sixteen
Sun was just beginning to crack the horizon when Rowan extricated herself from Kate’s arms to begin the long drive back to her apartment. They had stayed out under the stars for hours, talking a little, but mostly lying in silence.
There was a lot they needed to talk about. She knew they both felt the weight of the unspoken words pressing down on them, but it didn’t seem time to voice them. She didn’t think Kate would ask her to stay— she was too proud for that— but Rowan could hear Kate’s longing to ask the question. She wanted to be able to tell Kate what she wanted to hear, but she had moved to Texas for a job, and she didn’t have that job anymore. She wasn’t sure where that left her and what her next steps were.
She watched the sun rise over the pastures, casting the long grass in a soft orange glow. Trees, cattle, and buildings became visible as silhouettes against the bright sepia-toned skyline. On any other morning the visual would have been enough to take her breath away, but this morning she drove in a haze of painful memories and worries for her future.
She replayed every word that she and Daniel had spoken. The rejection of “not good enough” replayed on an endless loop. But perhaps worse was the memory of her own response. She burned with embarrassment at the desperation that she’d felt. She was sure it bled through to her words and her face. Losing her job was embarrassing enough without feeling as though she had humiliated herself with her inability to remain professional and accept the loss. She could only imagine what Daniel thought of her.
Worse, she could only imagine what Kate thought of her.
Kate was so put together, steady and strong. Rowan was none of those things. She was an emotional mess, terrible at handling change as evidenced by her struggles with the move to Texas, and she had failed at the one thing she had wanted for herself more than anything.
Not good enough.
She had never been fired from a job before, not even as a teenager. It didn’t matter what the job was. Whether it was something she was pa
ssionate about or not, she didn’t half-ass things. When she committed, she gave her all. She’d always prided herself on her work ethic and drive. With cooking, with Daniel Stanford’s kitchen, it was more than a job. It was her dream job. It was her passion, finally realized. And if she was being truly honest with herself, even though this was the time it really mattered, she hadn’t given it her all.
As Rowan drove the country roads, she felt farther from home than ever. She missed her parents. She wanted to be able to talk to them face to face where she could see their sympathy and love for her. She wanted her mom to give her a big hug and tell her things would be all right, and her dad to take her mind off the sadness with a cheesy action movie and a big bucket of popcorn. She missed her friends. She wanted to go for drinks with them and drown her embarrassment. She wanted to go to their favorite bar to watch a local band perform. She wanted the familiarity of the city that she grew up in. The place that felt like home. Portland had so much waiting for her.
But it didn’t have Kate.
Red and blue lights appeared in her rearview mirror, and the sound of sirens pulled Rowan out of her thoughts and back into the present.
“Fuck,” she mumbled, glancing down at her speedometer and realizing that she was going a good fifteen miles per hour over the limit.
As if this day could get any worse.
She pulled onto the shoulder of the little country road, and the police officer stopped behind her. She let out a long breath, trying to steady her nerves. She was about to burst into tears, and the last thing she wanted to do was embarrass herself by crying in front of the police officer. She had had enough crying and embarrassment in the past twenty-four hours to last a lifetime.
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