I took a deep, calming breath. James was right. I wanted to protect her from any possible hurt and I hadn’t even laid eyes on her yet. It would be painful to see her injured and I was glad he stopped me before I barged in. I probably would have freaked out if I’d gone in there unprepared. “James, will you do me a favor? Will you go get her chart? I want to know everything about her.”
“I’ll go,” Adam offered. I hadn’t even noticed that he and Cassie were standing next to me, but I nodded in thanks.
Cassie slipped her hand into mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. “C’mon. Let’s go inside while Adam gets that. I think you’ll feel better once you can see her and touch her.”
Oh, I hadn’t even thought about how wonderful it would feel to be able to touch her. My skin hummed at the idea, and my fingers twitched in anticipation. But I didn’t want an audience. I wanted these first few moments to be just for us.
“Cassie, would you mind if I went in by myself? Just for a few minutes? This is kinda huge and I want to be alone with her for a bit.”
She slipped her hand out of mine. “Sure, sweetie. Whatever you need. We’ll be right here when you’re ready.”
“Thanks.” I nodded and turned, peeking in the window as my now clumsy fingers fumbled with the doorknob. I couldn’t see much; the curtain was closed, but I knew she was in there. My heart and my soul knew, and that was enough.
My fingers finally got the knob to turn. I opened the door and stepped inside, holding my breath. I pulled the curtain back, but kept my eyes closed for a moment longer. I could hear a hiss of air being pushed and knew she was probably on a ventilator. The knowledge made my heart clench, but hearing the steady beep of her heart monitor—knowing it was strong and constant—helped ease it a little.
I took a deep breath. Bitter iodine and antiseptic swirled in my nose, but underneath it was another scent. Soft lilac emanated around me, and though it was faint, it overtook everything else. It was her. The beautiful, flowery aroma somehow clung to her and caressed my senses, making my heart pound in my chest.
I opened my eyes and took my first look at her. If I had a thousand books filled with a thousand pages each, it would still not be enough to describe how beautiful she was. I knew that she was broken, bloody, and bruised, but I didn’t see any of that. All I saw was perfection. I took a few steps forward and reached my hand forward. My fingertips gently grazed her soft, creamy skin as I brushed her hair out of her face.
As my fingers grazed her skin, a sizzle of electricity passed between us. Her monitors beeped like crazy, letting me know that even in this state, she was just as affected by me as I was by her. I pulled back, double checking that she was alright and I wasn’t inadvertently hurting her. After all, she was in a very precarious state right now and I couldn’t risk anything happening to her. After a few moments, the monitors resumed their steady rhythm and I tried again, this time taking her tiny, delicate fingers in my own.
Her eyes fluttered behind their closed lids. I hoped she was having good dreams. I pulled up a chair and sat down next to her, leaning in to whisper in her ear. “I can’t believe I found you. I didn’t even know I’d lost you, and yet here you are. But I promise you this, I’m never leaving you again. So just rest now; let your body heal. We’ll be together very soon.” I brushed my lips against her temple, inhaling her sweet lilac smell as I did.
A quiet knock at the door drew my eyes away from her, but not my hands. They refused to let her go. “You guys can come in,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure why I was whispering; I knew it wouldn’t wake her up, but it just seemed like I should.
James pulled back the curtain, allowing access for Cassie and Adam to slip in around him. James crossed the room, carrying a thick three-ring binder in his hands. That binder held the key to unlocking the mystery of who this woman was—I still didn’t even know her name, but I yearned to know everything about her. What was she like? Where was she from? What happened to her? I wanted to know it all.
“Oh, wow! What happened to her? She must have died pretty violently to be this beat up,” Cassie mumbled to Adam.
“She’s going to be fine,” I growled protectively, caressing my thumb over her hand.
“I’m sorry, Max. I didn’t mean anything. Of course she’ll be fine. It’s just hard seeing someone in an obvious state of misery.”
My head whipped over to James. “Is she in misery? Can she feel pain right now? What can I do to stop it?” Fear gripped my heart that she might be suffering right now.
“No, Max. She can’t feel anything. I promise,” he responded simply.
Adam chuckled beside me. “You’re a mess, man. I’ve never seen you so worked up.”
I shook my head as I raked my hands through my hair. “I don’t know how to describe it. It’s so surreal. I can’t even tell you her name, but I would give my life for hers. It’s completely overwhelming.” I’ve never experienced anything like it. I know that I love her, but how can that be? I’ve never even met her.
“You’re her soulmate. She is a part of you and without her, you are incomplete,” James explained. “The feelings are just magnified right now because they’re new. It’ll get easier to adjust over time. I’ve met other soulmates before, but none of them were pulled so hard together like you are to her. It must be because of what Lucinda said about you being the original soul.”
“So other soulmates don’t feel this strongly for their other half?” Trying to wrap my head around the events of the last few hours was making me dizzy.
“No. I mean, they had a deep connection and were attracted to each other, but nothing of this level.”
I brushed my thumb over her bruised cheek, wishing I could take away her pain. I’d never seen a more beautiful woman in all my years. Even in this condition, I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
“Simply amazing,” James marveled.
“Isn’t she?”
“No, I meant what she can do.”
I turned away from her momentarily to look at him, confused. “What do you mean?”
James pointed to the monitor output being scrawled across the screen. “When you speak or touch her, she reacts. I’ve never seen anything like it. Patients in this stage of transition are so heavily sedated, a bomb could go off during an earthquake and they wouldn’t react. But you whisper two words and her brainwaves light up like Christmas.”
“She can hear me?”
James shrugged his shoulders. “I honestly have no idea. But she’s reacting to you on some level.”
“Tell me about her. I want to know every detail.”
James opened the chart to the first page and began to read. “Lucy Donovan, age twenty-one from Daytona. She was a senior in college, just about to graduate. Pity.”
I laced my fingers through hers, careful not to pull on her arms that were encased in anti-atrophy tubes. “Hello, Lucy. It’s truly a pleasure to meet you.” I kissed her knuckles, taking extreme pleasure in hearing her heart monitor speed up as I did so. “What else, James? How did she die? You better not tell me someone did this to her, because neutral Patronus or not, I will rip their throats out.”
“She was killed in a car accident. Drunk driver hit her head-on.” He paused a moment, snorting in disgust. “Figures, the other driver survived with barely a scratch.”
A growl escaped my throat, but James continued. “She has a younger sister who… oh, that’s terrible.”
“What?” Cassie and I asked together.
“Her younger sister has late-stage leukemia. Lucy donated her marrow just a few months ago. This family feared losing one daughter and lost the other.”
The news halted our conversation, all of us deep in thought. I continued to hold her hand, lazily brushing my thumb over her palm and wrist. I was content with the small contact but still yearned to scoop her up and wrap my arms around her, to protect her from any more harm.
I knew she’d be upset when she awoke, knowing that she left her parents. I knew all too well w
hat that kind of guilt could lead to, and I didn’t want that for her. But how could I do anything about it? I sighed, allowing the constant thump of her heartbeat against my thumb to help me drift off in my thoughts.
“Max?” Cassie’s voice rang through my head, and by the tone—not to mention the fact that she was now standing beside me and shaking me slightly—it had not been her first attempt to get my attention.
“Yeah, Cass?”
“Um, I had an idea. But I wanted to run it by you first.”
I sat up a little as her statement piqued my curiosity. “An idea for what?”
She let out a breath and looked over to Adam. He nodded once, urging her to continue. So, they’re in on this together, I mused.
“We were thinking, it might be a good idea if we helped get her some closure while she’s still transitioning. That way, when she wakes up, she’ll be able to focus on the job instead of her guilt and grief.”
I knew what this was really about. She didn’t want Lucy to end up like me, because ultimately, it would just hurt me again. I wanted to hug Cassie for her thoughtfulness. “How would you even do that?”
Cassie looked at James as she spoke. “I think it would help if we went down and visited her family, just to gather information so we can reassure her when she wakes up.”
“I think that’s a great idea, Cassie.” James closed the chart he was reading. “Why don’t you and Adam work on that starting next week?”
Cassie bounced a little on the balls of her feet. “Really? Thanks, James.”
“You know,” James pondered quietly. “If this works, if gathering information to provide closure helps new recruits heal and move on faster, I think it could be something we could implement to all new Patroni. I think this could make a good case study.”
Adam and I chuckled. “Leave it to James to turn a good deed into a research report.”
I nodded in agreement. “I don’t care why he wants to do it. If it eases her pain or prevents her from experiencing what I went though, then I’m on board.”
James stood up. “All right, why don’t we go grab some dinner and let her rest? We can come back tomorrow to check her progress.”
“You guys go ahead. I want to stay a while.”
“You sure?” Cassie asked, standing and straightening her chair.
“I’m sure. There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”
“Want us to bring you back anything?”
I shook my head. “Nah. I don’t think I could eat if I tried. I think I just need a few hours to smooth out my emotions. Hell, maybe a few days.” I smiled up at her. “But thanks for the offer.”
Cassie smiled and gave me one of her notorious winks. “You know how to reach me if you change your mind.”
She closed the door, leaving me alone with Lucy. I once again took her hand in mine, amazed at how such a simple thing could make me so happy. I sighed contently and closed my eyes to enjoy the now familiar thump that resided in my chest.
“Just you and me, babe.”
Chapter Seven
A week later, I knew without a doubt that I was unequivocally, undeniably head-over-heels in love with Lucy Donovan. I read and reread her chart, memorizing all the little details of her life. The chart was more comprehensive than the Google searches humans did these days. Every detail that I learned about her made me love her more. I knew her favorite color was plum and she wore the color to every prom and homecoming dance she attended. I knew her favorite food was red rock shrimp that only came from a small inlet in Florida, and that she insisted on eating at a restaurant there for every birthday since she was thirteen. The tiny scar below her eyebrow that was now smoothed over due to her new Patronus healing powers was from a fall during her first attempt at ice skating.
It wasn’t just the idiosyncrasies that pushed me over the edge with her. She was smart—graduating in the top five percent of her high school class. Her favorite book was Anna Karenina, and while she didn’t always complete it, she at least attempted the New York Times crossword every Sunday.
Her love of the outdoors matched my own. I sat by her bed, imagining us hiking on the Appalachian Trail or sailing in the Gulf of Mexico. I wanted to try new things with her, like spelunking. Just the name alone sounded like fun.
But what struck me most of all was her love of her family. She was deeply devoted to them, and it pained me to know she wouldn’t get to spend time with them any longer. She went golfing with her dad on the weekends and helped her mom maintain a vegetable garden in the backyard. Most kids her age would want their freedom and independence, but Lucy went home on the weekends to spend time with Jessica instead of partying and getting drunk like most of her peers. They went to silly animated movies and got pedicures together and flew kites on windy days at the beach.
I could only imagine what a great mother she’d make, and it saddened me that she’d never get the chance. If anyone deserved it, it was her.
“Hey, Max?” Cassie cocked her head, biting the corner of her lip. Whatever she was about to ask me, she was nervous about it.
“Yeah, Cass?”
“Um, well, I don’t want to offend you or anything, but I’m curious about something.” She twirled a lock of her strawberry blonde hair and crossed her legs.
“And what’s that?” I wasn’t irritated, but generously curious. “I’ll keep an open mind, I promise.” I turned in my seat to face her a bit more, but didn’t remove my hand from where it rested on Lucy’s.
“The thing is, I remember how…upset you were and how much you grieved after your wife Grace died. Adam and I were just starting to date, but even beforehand people talked about what a sourpuss you were. And when I’d come over to watch a movie or something with Adam, we could hear you calling out for her in your sleep.
“You told us repeatedly that she was the love of your life and you’d never even consider dating again. So, I was just wondering if that’s changed. Do you want to date Lucy now?”
I’d been mulling over this very thought for the last few days, so I had an answer ready. “The first few hours with Lucy, I completely forgot anyone else existed. I was enamored by her completely. But then, I remembered Grace, and I felt horribly guilty. How could I just brush away Grace’s memory like that? Like she never existed and didn’t mean anything to me?
“It took me some time, and some deep thought, but I realized something. Grace would want me to be happy. And dating or loving someone else doesn’t mean that Grace wasn’t an important part of my life. I’ll always love her, but it’s a different kind of love. I guess today it would be like comparing your first high school first love to the love of your life. Both were important, and both were love. But the way my heart feels when I look at Lucy, the way it speeds up when someone says her name—it’s a love that is rooted so far down and so far twisted around my soul that I don’t know where my heart ends and hers begins. We’re tangled together in the best possible way.”
Cassie sighed as she pulled her knees up and rested her arms on them. “That’s wonderful, Max. I’m so very happy for you. You’ve been so completely swept away by all things Lucy, I was worried you hadn’t stopped to consider your feelings for Grace. I just didn’t want you to be hit with it later. Now let’s just hope she feels the same way for you when she wakes up.”
I gave Lucy’s fingers a small squeeze. “Nothing would make me happier than to know she reciprocates my feelings, but even if she doesn’t it won’t change anything. I want her happiness to come first, and if that means staying away while she figures out what she wants, or letting her go to find happiness with another, so be it.”
“Oh, Max. You’d really let her go?”
“There’s no limit to what I’d do for her.”
*****
Four months later
“She’s waking up. Today’s the day, I just know it,” I announced to my friends at breakfast. My smile could have been used to light up the Griswold family Christmas tree. As soon as my body woke this morni
ng, I could feel that something was different. My sweet Lucy had been getting stronger every day, to the point where Adam started a pool to bet on when she’d wake. We’d kept the depth of the connection between Lucy and me quiet around our small community. It wasn’t necessarily a secret, but I didn’t want her to be treated any differently. I wanted her to have a taste of this new world with as much normalcy as I could gather before she found out the truth. Adjusting to her fate would be hard enough. I didn’t want to overwhelm her.
Cassie dropped her breakfast tray filled with fresh fruit on the table and plopped into the chair next to me. “Eek! I’m so excited! I can’t wait to add some more estrogen to this boys’ club. Plus, I’m in serious need of some girl’s nights.”
“What? Adam won’t let you get manis and pedis together anymore?” James teased as he slid into his usual seat.
Cassie pouted. “No. Not since—ow!” Adam pinched her elbow. “I mean, no, he never has. Not once. Ever. The bastard.”
Adam scowled, knowing no one was buying her cover-up lie. I felt bad watching his neck turn from pink to a deeper red with embarrassment, so I changed the subject before he was teased some more. “Is her room ready, Cassie? You sure you got everything? I know it was hard to see all the little details in the picture I sent you.”
“Yes, it’s completely ready. Down to the last throw pillow and bottle of Plugged-In Plum nail polish. Don’t worry, you gave me more than enough to cover the expenses. I didn’t leave anything out.”
I reached over and planted a kiss on her cheek. “Thanks, Cassie. You’re the best. I just want her to have a safe place that comforts her. Not like the bare walls of the training center like James wants her to have.” I shot him a glance through narrowed eyes, knowing that we’d had this argument a hundred times over the last few months.
Atone (The Patronus: #2.5) Page 5
