Esylle explained how they managed to find her. She didn’t want to upset her, but she had to know what she did to stay hidden in the sea because she wanted to know she was safe underwater. Lisana shook both of them off and asked her why she needed to know everything. She always found out about things Lisana didn’t want her to know about.
She pulled her back and wouldn’t let her go. “More than just me can hurt you. If you won’t tell us, at least let me know you were safe. I was worried about you all night and I was upset that I drove you off. I promise, I won’t talk to you like that again and will find another way to teach you.”
All she would tell them was that she was safe where no one could find her or hurt her. Esylle suspected part of the reason she didn’t want to give up her hiding place was because she didn’t believe Esylle when she said she wouldn’t talk to her like that again and she thought she would have to go there again. When she asked her if she would come back now and said there was food waiting for her, she shook them off again and told both of them she didn’t want to come back yet.
She was trying to block them again, but Esylle realized how much she had hurt her. “At least let me stay here and try to make it better so you want to come back.”
“You can’t make everything better,” she said, still not looking at her. She inched away from both Esylle and Leodos and moved like she was going to stand up. If she went into the sea again, she could end up anywhere. Esylle didn’t stop her because she knew she wouldn’t like it and she was relieved when Leodos pulled her back down.
“Why can’t you ever let me be alone?” she cried, fighting with him. He was much stronger than she was and Esylle was surprised when she tried to strike him to get him to let her go. He pinned her arms down and then pulled her into and embrace and that’s when the tears finally came. “Why can’t you just leave and let it be?”
She stroked her back because she knew how much she liked it. She couldn’t block them now and she could feel how upset she was still. She felt her only calm a little as she stroked her back and Leodos held her tightly. She asked again why she wanted to hold her so badly when she slept so she could feel her love and then treat her like that. She tried to explain it to her again and tried to promise she would never talk to her that way again.
“I don’t see why you had to do it in the first place if you say you love me.”
“You doubt after you can feel me now?” she asked, surprised. “I made a mistake and I’m trying to make it better.”
“I’m confused by what I felt from you before and what you said. All I feel from you right now is guilt and I can smell it too. I don’t like that smell,” she sniffled from Leodos’ chest.
“If you feel that I feel bad about it, why don’t you let me make it better so both of us is not upset.”
“Because I don’t want to be near either of you when you’re upset! I don’t like feeling it and I don’t like the way it smells. I shouldn’t have connected any of you and I don’t see why you can’t just leave me here. I’m sure you have better things to do as queen besides sitting out here with me!” She was fighting with Leodos again and he tightened his arms around her and wouldn’t let her go. She didn’t feel fear coming from her that she couldn’t get away from him like she felt when Esylle made the mistake of being hard on her. “If you don’t let go of me, I’ll change into something you can’t hold and go somewhere you can’t find me again.”
“If I let you go, do you promise not to leave and let us make it better? Would you really hurt me after everything?”
Esylle felt her get more upset and at first, she thought it was because he was trying to tell her what to do. She spoke and she realized that wasn’t it at all. “She threatens me and now you accuse me of wanting to hurt you! Why can’t you both just leave me here? I would just become something small that you couldn’t hold so I could get away. I thought you would know by now I wouldn’t hurt you.” She was still fighting with him to let her go, but she hadn’t changed and flown off again. Esylle suspected even though she kept asking them to leave her and was fighting to get away, she really didn’t want them to go. She could have easily overpowered Leodos and gotten away if she really wanted to and the both of them were too unfamiliar with their new gifts to stop her.
Esylle moved closer and wrapped her arms around both the girl and Leodos and she finally stopped struggling, but she also became stiff. “Go back to the palace. There’s better things for you to be doing as queen.”
“Lisana, I’ll always be your mother first and queen second. Anything I needed to do as queen today will have to wait until you’re feeling better and have agreed to come back to us.”
She collapsed in their arms and was sobbing. She finally told them what was bothering her. It wasn’t just that she threatened to take her fire and that scared her more than she knew. She was upset Esylle threatened to lock her in her room. She didn’t tell them, when she was talking about how she was raised, that Belisarus did that to her frequently, either as punishment or because he didn’t trust her not to leave the house. She told them when she was older and too scared to leave, he still didn’t trust her and would force her into her bedroom and lock her in. After he whipped her for changing Frog, she was too scared what he would do if she tried to use her gifts to get out. She told them she would sit at the door and beg to be let out and he ignored her. She told them if they had looked closer at the inside of the door, they would have seen marks from her fingernails. If she had told them this before, Esylle never would have threatened to lock her in her chambers to keep her away from those boys and she told her this.
“Your solution to me doing something you don’t like was the same as his, even if you didn’t know. You knew I grew up only seeing walls and nothing else and your solution was to give me another four to stare at.”
“Parents make mistakes. If you have grown up with me, you would see I’m flawed like everyone else. You were away from me so long and you’ve only started telling us how you were raised. I’m still learning the right and wrong way to be your mother. Now that I know I can’t treat you the way I was raised, I’ll find a better way. I know you don’t think you should have connected us and you don’t like feeling me upset, but I would hope you feel love from me more than you feel the upset,” she told her. Belisarus had given the girl lessons on feeling nothing, so she could make them not feel her, but he had never taught Esylle that. She tried to push how she was feeling aside and just let the girl feel that she loved her and she hoped Leodos, who had not said much, was doing the same.
The girl went limp in their arms and seemed to have lost all of her fight. Esylle didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing until she felt her relax, like she was enjoying the embraces again. She stroked her hair and asked her that if she upset her again, if she would stay and let her try to make it better instead of disappearing into the sea again. She told her even though there wasn’t much she was afraid of, Esylle had already lost her once and every time she ran off, she worried she might again.
“You aren’t going to lose me again,” she said, sitting up and wiping her eyes. “I can’t leave even if I want to. I still don’t want to do this and the palace makes me as uncomfortable now as it did when I first got here.”
“We can change what makes you uncomfortable. If you don’t like your chambers, you’ve made friends with the men in the streets. There’s blacksmiths, woodworkers, a whole variety of merchants who could make your chamber into one you are more comfortable in. If you have ideas about changing the rest of the palace, we can discuss them together.”
The girl looked back at her with wide, innocent eyes and Esylle forgot about what she had done last night. “You would change the entire palace because it makes me uncomfortable?”
She put her hand on her cheek and smiled. “I would do anything for you to feel like this was your home again. You were born here and you belong here with those of us that love you. I know you think you don’t belong anywhere, but you’re
my daughter and you belong with me.”
“If he thought I belonged here with you, why did he raise me to think I could never leave the yard? Why didn’t he tell you who I was so that we could have at least written and I could have known you that way? Why didn’t he tell me who you were when he sent me here with a message when I had been asking for so long? I was so convinced you weren’t my mother when I first met you.”
“I’m going to make it a point to start reading that diary. I know you think it’s pointless, but I want to know what it says and think it has answers. I don’t have the answers for anything he did. I would have preferred he told me too so that I could write to you and know you as you grew instead of constantly messing up trying to know you now. I’m not demanding, only asking you to stay and talk to me when I upset you and not run away again. If you need to run to clear your head, do it in the gardens instead of the forest where someone might shoot at you. I can take you through them when we get back and you can see if they are big enough for you.”
“We should get back,” she said, wiping her eyes. “I’m sure your father is worried about you and Sono, Neptis, and Oris are worried about me. You can show me the gardens when we get back.”
She wasn’t blocking them anymore and she wasn’t upset. She was calmed now and feeling better. Esylle finally found the right thing to say to her. She didn’t promise she wouldn’t leave again, but they would get there. She turned into a sparrow and started to fly off. Both Leodos and Esylle had no choice but to change and soar with her.
Sono
Sono had not been there when Esylle upset Lisana, but his father told him what happened before he went to bed after searching for her. It worried him she disappeared where no one could find her. He thought she may have been hiding in his room too small for him to see, like Esylle had suggested, but he called for her when he retired and she wasn’t there. He couldn’t sleep and lay in bed hoping if she wasn’t in his chamber’s, she was in Neptis’ or Oris’.
That morning, when he found out she wasn’t and she was in the sea in some form even Neptis couldn’t find her, he wondered why Esylle spoke to her that way. He knew it would upset her and was surprised Esylle didn’t. He considered for a minute that he knew her better because of all the time they had spent gathering food and he was the first one she connected when they mated. He thought Esylle should have known better since Lisana slept in her chambers while they were at Inanos.
He paced the living quarters of his chambers with Neptis and Oris and they were all worried that it was nearly lunch and they weren’t back yet. Sono didn’t know if she was still hiding and they hadn’t found her. The three of them were discussing joining the search without telling their fathers, but the palace was as new to them as it was to Lisana and they didn’t know the best way to sneak out.
Oris was in the middle of suggesting they just walk straight out the front door and ignore their fathers since they were stronger than them now, but then Volaris burst in and said she was back and in the gardens with her mother. They all went running and got a little lost. They had to ask directions from the guard before they managed to get there. The gardens were a maze of hedges and heady flowers that made picking up her scent difficult. Sono was getting used to having the Theran sense of smell, but he knew her scent well. Oris seemed frustrated about all of the flowers and suggested they change to find her.
They wound up not needing to. Esylle, Lisana, and Leodos all turned a corner and came into their view. Esylle and Leodos were both holding her arms and pointing things out in the garden. Sono couldn’t imagine why they were pointing out flowers when she was so upset with Esylle she disappeared overnight. She smiled shyly when she saw the three of them and they all rushed to her and embraced her at once. Leodos and Esylle bit their tongues and didn’t say anything to upset her further. She told the three of them they were showing her the gardens as a place to run when she needed to instead of disappearing. Sono didn’t understand why their solution was to suggest she run in the garden instead of avoiding upsetting her. He wasn’t going to say anything, but Oris was more hot-headed than he was and voiced his thoughts. Sono saw both Leodos and Esylle get upset.
Lisana stepped forward and touched Oris’ cheek. “Peace, Oris. We’ve come to an understanding and it’s a solution for now. Your father upset you too recently, you’re just more used to it than I am.”
“I don’t like it when you disappear. Why didn’t you hide in my chambers so I could make it better for you like you did for me?”
“I know how she made it better for you,” Leodos snapped. “You both know why you can’t and need to learn to control yourselves until you wed.”
“That’s another reason this place makes me uncomfortable,” Lisana said. “You can’t have any secrets here.”
“I don’t want that to be a secret you’re keeping,” Esylle fussed. “You know you will wed soon, just wait until then and stop sneaking out your chambers at night.”
Sono thought that would upset her and she would run again. He was surprised when that impish look came back on her face and she started to tease Esylle like last night never happened. “I’m not getting married until I see yours so I know how it’s done. If you don’t want me sneaking around, the two of you should go start planning yours.”
None of them could get angry with her when she had that look on her face. Leodos ruffled her hair like he always did when she either said something she wasn’t supposed to or she joked with them. “Weddings take time to plan. You’ll have to learn to not act on that urge until it’s done.”
She was flat out smirking now. “If they take time to plan and you’re worried about me doing something I shouldn’t, then you should go back inside and start planning.”
“And what will you do when we leave? I didn’t want to think about you alone with Oris and I certainly don’t want to leave you alone with the three of them knowing how you all make it better.”
Sono was surprised when that smirk never faltered and she said she wanted to go talk to the merchants about redecorating her chambers. Esylle pointed out to her that she would soon be moving into her father’s old chambers and Lisana would take hers. Lisana reminded her she spent the night in her mother’s chambers the first night she showed up and it made her uncomfortable then. She didn’t get upset at all when Leodos suggested she take the three of them with her, but he turned purple when she said she needed them with her because they would all be living with her soon. She reminded him he would have to get used to it over her shoulder as she walked off. They had no choice but to follow her. She only looked back once to see Leodos and Esylle still standing there staring and she turned back and made a motion with her hands.
“Shoo! Go plan a wedding!”
It was like she was never upset enough to disappear where they couldn’t find her. He was walking to her left and she wasn’t blocking him now. She felt relaxed, calm, and in a good mood. She slipped her arm around Sono’s waist and Neptis on the other side. He thought Oris might get upset, but Neptis slipped his arm around Oris’ waist and they all walked together.
She took them into the streets and to a cottage door. A man they had not met before answered the door. She introduced him as Huegin and she told him she needed his help now. She told him what she was wanting to do to her chambers and he got excited and admitted he was a woodworker and would be happy to make anything for her after she saved his child. She smiled gently and told him he would be paid for his work. The first thing she asked about was a larger bed that the four of them could sleep in comfortably. Huegin didn’t find anything odd about the four of them sleeping together, or if he did, he didn’t say anything. She also asked about more comfortable chairs with maybe symbols from the tribes on them. She showed him the mark on her back and said she would like it on the headboard of the bed. He sketched it down and asked the three of them about symbolisms from their tribes.
The more they talked, the more excited he got. Sono was surprised that when Huegin started to
sketch, she sat next to him and started sketching ideas on another piece of parchment. He could see how good she was at drawing and wanted to ask her about it, but she and Huegin were both talking to each other so fast, he couldn’t get a word in. She finally paused to ask the three of them want they wanted and if the palace made the rest of them as uncomfortable as it did Lisana and Oris. Sono admitted he was used to seeing the night sky when he slept. She laughed and told him she thought they would object to taking the roof off, but maybe they could change the window.
Huegin began to wave his arms and told them about a glass maker who would make him an ornate colored window with the symbol she had marked herself with. The three of them tried to explain the symbols Essos gave them that weren’t at Inanos and she had never seen before. None of them had been taught to draw, but the more detail they gave, both Lisana and Huegin soon gave life to the symbols on parchment.
Neptis wanted something to remind him of the sea and Oris wanted something in their chambers to make the smells of so many people less strong. Huegin had several sketches for what he would make of wood and began to take them around to other merchants. Sono was surprised when they were all just as excited as Huegin and wanted to know more about their camps. He wasn’t expecting this reaction from them at all. They were all curious, friendly, and really seemed to want to make the four of them more comfortable here.
When they finally left to go back to the palace, she had commissioned designs for an entire room that they would all be comfortable in. He wanted to get her alone when they got back to the palace to find out what had happened on the beach, but it was time to eat when they got back. She was talking about everything she had planned for her chambers and Esylle and Leodos were both watching her with small smiles because she now seemed at least somewhat excited about being here.
The Spirus Page 50
