Amanda shrugs. “It’s a possibility, we have to discuss it. Option two is he sleeps with someone else but comes crawling back to you because he realizes he made a mistake.”
“I don’t love that option either, what’s option three?”
“He doesn’t sleep with anyone on tour. He doesn’t even look at another girl. He comes home and takes you back.”
“Perfect, I’ll take option three,” I tell her.
Amanda rolls her eyes. “That’s not how this works. What you need to decide is how you’re going to react to all three of those options.”
Grappling with that question took up a lot of my focus in the few days after they left. Would I take him back if he had slept with someone else? The answer changed depending on the day and my mood.
To Amanda’s credit, she lets me hash things out with her multiple times. But it isn’t long before she runs out of patience.
“Listen, so what if he sleeps with someone else? So what if he comes home and doesn’t care about you anymore? You could handle it, you know that, right? It would not even come close to being the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. Think of everything you’ve been through in your life,” Amanda points out.
“That’s exactly it, though,” I say. “I’ve had enough. One more shitty experience will break me.”
“Uh uh,” Amanda shakes her head. “It will not. Gemma, you’re the strongest person I know. Give yourself some credit. You’re finally starting to do things for yourself. Yeah, Spence is a nice-to-have, but he’s not a need-to-have, you know?”
“I guess I see your point,” I say with a heavy sigh. “I am finally figuring my life out, and I really wish Spence was a part of it.”
“I know, Gemma. I know. But you can figure it out without him.”
Deep down, I knew she was right. This breakup is nothing compared to everything else I’ve been through. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
Luckily I still have the bar to distract me. Liam has been making good his promise to teach me everything he knows about running a bar. It’s was a lot more work than I expected, but it feels really good to be learning it. Like I have more of a purpose there than just being a part-time bartender. I can really consider myself part-owner in the family business now. And Liam has been relieved all the responsibility isn’t completely on him anymore.
Between the increased responsibility at the bar, finishing up finals, and convincing Amanda not to throw me a huge graduation party, the first couple weeks Losing Streak was on tour went by in a flash.
Spence is still always on my mind, but it’s getting easier day by day to be without him.
Then, a week after Losing Streak left for tour, I got the first text from Spence.
I hadn’t been expecting it, and seeing his name pop up on my phone sent a thrill of nervous excitement through me. The message wasn’t anything profound. Just him saying hi from the road with a picture of the band. Of course I immediately zoomed in on his face. I stared at it for hours, wondering what he was thinking. Imagining what he was doing at that moment.
I didn’t know what to make of it. For hours I drafted different replies before settling on asking him if he was having a good time.
No, he replied. Because you’re not here.
After that, we talked all the time. It started with casual texts. Mostly we talked about whatever happened to be going on at the moment. When I graduated, Macy and Liam threw me a small party, and Spence sent flowers.
“What are these?” Amanda says, arching an eyebrow at me when the flowers were delivered.
“Flowers from Spence,” I tell her, trying hard not to seem giddy about them.
“Hmmm,” she says. “This is an interesting development.”
I shrug, noncommittal. “We’ve been talking a little.”
“What!” Amanda practically shrieks.
“It’s nothing, it’s just friendly,” I tell her, but I’ve been trying not to get my hopes up. It’s a dangerous game I’m playing by continuing to talk to Spence. It could mean everything that he’s texting me, or it could mean nothing at all. I know it would be best for me to cut all ties and stop responding to him until he gets back, but I can’t.
And then, one night after a couple weeks of regular texting, Spence calls me.
My heart is in my throat when I answer.
“Gemma?” Spence sounds surprised to hear my voice, even though he’s the one that called me.
“What’s going on, is everything okay?” I ask, convinced he must have terrible news if he’s calling me.
“Yeah, yeah, everything is fine,” he assures me. “I just…” Spence pauses and goes quiet. “I wanted to hear your voice, I guess.”
“Oh,” I say, surprised. Ever since his first text implying he missed me our conversations have been strictly platonic. He gives me details about their shows and the tour, and I tell him what was going on at the bar and my goals for opening up the kitchen. Never once have we talked about our feelings for each other or our relationship or why we’re even still talking. It feels safer that way. But I have to admit it’s nice to hear his voice, too.
“I kind of hate being on tour,” he admits. “It’s exhausting. Lucas and Max are so into it and I don’t know. I’m just not.”
“I’m sorry you’re having a shitty time,” I tell him, even though I’m not that sorry.
Spence sighs. “Thanks. Sorry, I didn’t mean to call you to complain. Anyway, what’s going on with you?”
“Well, I have some news…” I say.
“Oh? Tell me more.”
“I’m applying to culinary school.”
“You are?” Spence says. “Wow, that’s cool.”
“It’s kind of silly, I know,” I say, embarrassed. “But I think it will be fun. Obviously I’m not going to be a chef or anything, but it might come in handy when we open the kitchen at Kincaid’s.”
“No, I think it’s a great idea, Gemma. And obviously I will be your taste tester whenever you need one.”
I laugh. “Thanks, I appreciate that.”
“I really miss you,” Spence says, softly. “Like, a lot.”
My chest constricts at his words. “I miss you too,” I tell him. “Like a lot.”
“Another month,” Spence says, mirth in his voice. “Then I’ll be home.”
“I can’t wait,” I whisper.
After that, our phone calls become more regular. Phone calls in the afternoon when Spence was just waking up and he would recap the previous night’s show. Phone calls in the wee hours of the morning, when Spence would talk in a hoarse whisper, his voice gone from singing. Phone calls where I’d talk forever about applying to culinary school and my dreams for the bar.
The distance between me and Spence was greater than ever, but I’d never felt closer to him. I wasn’t sure what was going on between us, and I didn’t dare ask. I didn’t want whatever was happening to end.
We didn’t talk every day. Sometimes days would go by without hearing a peep from him. At first these periods of silence would send me into a panic. What was Spence doing? Had he met someone else? But then he’s always call or respond to my texts and the worry would dissipate. I knew that he wouldn’t lie to me, and if I asked him outright if he was hooking up with other girls he would tell me. But I never asked. I didn’t know where things stood between us, but I knew we weren’t together. Technically it was none of my business if he was hooking up with other people. That topic of conversation could wait until he was home.
When I found out I was accepted to my top-choice culinary program, Spence was the first person I called.
“That’s great!” he says. “I knew you’d get in.”
“Maybe we can celebrate when you get home,” I say, tentative. We haven’t talked about what happens when he gets home. I’ve been hopeful that this time apart has been enough for Spence to decide he wants to be with me. And hopefully I’ve done my part to show we can be together without me being a jealous raging bitch.
I laugh, confused. “Like, on the phone?”
“Go out on your porch and look down.”
I leap up from where I’ve been sitting on the couch and rush outside, clutching my phone in my hand. When I peer over the railing, my heart stops. Spence is standing on the sidewalk below me.
“Surprise,” he says, grinning up at me.
I don’t even reply. Instead I race down the stairs and out the front door, meeting him as he’s coming up the steps and leaping into his arms.
Spence laughs into my hair and the sound vibrates through my body, giving me goosebumps.
“What are you doing here?” I say in shock as I drop back to the sidewalk.
“I had to see you.” He shrugs like this is the most obvious answer in the world. “There wasn’t any way I was going to make it one more night without seeing your face in person. I hopped a train this morning, but I’m only here for tonight. I have to leave in the morning to get back for our next show.”
“I can’t believe you’re here,” I say, staring up at him. I take in every part of him. He looks the same, more or less. His hair is a little longer, he’s tanned, and there’s a scruffy five o’clock shadow on his chin. He’s never looked better.
“God, I missed you so much.” He pushes my hair away from my temples and holds my face between his hands, staring at me with a small smile on his face.
The fact that we’re going to kiss feels inevitable, and I don’t even know who makes the first move. All I know is when our lips finally touch every nerve in my body lights up.
He pulls away from me. “Gemma,” he breathes, and his eyes catch mine. The look I see there is serious and intense. “I’ve thought about us a lot. And I’m all in. I want you, and only you, and I really hope you feel the same way.”
My face spreads into a grin so big it hurts. “Are you kidding me, Spence?” I say. “Of course I feel the same way.”
Now it’s his turn to grin. “Yeah? You can forget about my past and trust me when I say you are the only girl in my life?”
“Yes,” I say without hesitation. “From now on, I’ll be more trusting. I can’t say I’ll be perfect about it or that I won’t get jealous when I see the way other girls look at you, but I trust you, Spence.”
More importantly, I realize, I trust myself. I trust myself to be okay no matter what happens between me and Spence.
“Good,” Spence says, a shy look coming across his face. “Because I realized something while I’ve been away.”
“Oh yeah?” I say, reaching up to stroke his cheek, the stubble rough under my fingers. “What’s that?”
He shrugs like what he’s about to say isn’t a big deal. “I love you.”
My breath catches in my throat and I swear my heart stops beating for a moment. Spence leans down to kiss me. “I’m completely in love with you and no other girl will ever compare. So I hopped on a train and came right here to tell you.”
My heart feels like it could burst. My face lights up and spreads into a goofy smile. When Spence sees it, he starts to smile too.
“That’s really good news,” I tell him. “Because I’m in love with you, too.”
“Yeah?” Spence says.
“Mmhmm.”
We kiss again and the world around us disappears. I’ve completely forgotten we are standing on the sidewalk outside the apartment.
“My apartment is empty,” Spence says after awhile. I can feel his heart beating through his t-shirt.
“Let’s go,” I say.
His apartment is hot and full of stale air after not being lived in for nearly two months, but I barely notice. Every touch of his fingers on my skin crackles with desire and the only thing I’m focused on is getting him to his bed as quickly as possible.
But we don’t even make it that far.
He kicks the front door closed behind us, scoops me into his arms and deposits me on the couch. He pulls his shirt over his head and I hurry to follow suit.
We’re both greedy, putting our hands and mouths all over every new bit of skin that gets exposed as we shed the rest of our clothes.
“I love you,” Spence whispers, that big Christmas morning smile on his face.
“And I love you,” I say back.
“I never thought I’d say that to someone,” he confesses.
“I’m glad you chose to say it to me,” I say.
“Me, too.”
Chapter Forty-Seven
Gemma
The next morning comes all too soon.
We spent the entire afternoon at Spence’s apartment, throwing open all the windows and letting in some fresh air as we lay tangled in the cool sheets on his bed. We ordered takeout for dinner, kissing between bites of food. We had a lot of time apart to make up for, and we didn’t want to waste a single second.
But Spence’s train leaves early, and we’re up before the sun has even fully risen.
“I don’t want you to go,” I mumble into his bare shoulder as his fingers trace lazy circles on my back.
“I’ll be home for good in two weeks. And then I’m never leaving you for this long again.”
Spence decided to quit the band. He’s not as committed to it as Lucas and Max, and he doesn’t want to keep stringing them along. Once the tour is over, he’s done. He says that Max and Lucas weren’t that surprised. They’ve spent a lot of time talking while they’ve been on the road together, and they’ve already come up with a game plan for replacing Spence. It won’t be with Pete Crawford, so Spence is okay with it.
“Two weeks is such a long time,” I moan.
“I’ll call you every day. And you can send me naked pictures of you to keep me company.”
“I will not be doing that.”
Spence grins. “Fine, what about dirty texts then?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“I love you,” he says, for what is probably the millionth time.
“And I love you.”
My heart breaks a little when I drop him off at the train station, and the next two weeks go by painfully slow. But Spence does call me every day, much to the dismay of Lucas and Max. They’re often in the background of our calls, groaning about how Spence is always on the phone.
We spend the first few days after he gets back completely wrapped up in each other. Amanda starts making a gagging noise every time she sees us together.
We can’t help it though. Everything feels perfect. And for once I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop.
At the end of the summer Losing Streak plans a farewell show at Kincaid’s before they take a brief hiatus to find a replacement for Spence.
“Feels weird that this will be the last show I play with the guys,” Spence says as we get ready to leave for Kincaid’s the night of the show.
“It’s the end of an era,” I agree. “You’ll still play guitar for me though, right?”
“‘Course. Whenever you want.”
Spence drives us to Kincaid’s, and he’s quiet the whole ride. We sold tickets for this, much to Liam’s pleasure. He plans on making a killing tonight. I’ve been reminding him at every opportunity it was my idea to let Losing Streak play at Kincaid’s in the first place.
We park in the alley behind the bar. I reach for the door handle to get out, but Spence puts a hand on my arm to stop me. He seems oddly on edge tonight, but I figure it’s because this is his last show.
“Let’s sit out here for a minute,” he says, reaching over to hold my hand.
“We have to go inside eventually,” I tell him, threading my fingers with his.
“I know,” he says. “But not yet.”
His lips touch mine and the warm, comforting feeling I get whenever Spence kisses me spreads through my body. When he pulls away there’s a mischievous glint in his eye.
“What would you say to a quickie in the backseat before we go in?” he asks.
I laugh
, shaking my head at him. “Spence…”
“Come on,” he says, kissing me again and tugging at me.
“It will have to be seriously quick,” I tell him, unbuckling my seatbelt.
“Is that a yes?” he says, perking up. A grin spreads over his face.
I climb into the backseat. “You’d better get back here before someone catches us,” I tell him. His seatbelt is off in a flash and he’s tackling me, both of us laughing.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Gemma
We head into the bar a little while later. We are running late and looking a little disheveled, but feeling pretty satisfied with our decision to stay in the car a little longer.
Liam accosts us the second we walk in the door. “Where have you been?” he snaps. “The show is starting in five minutes.”
“And it will,” Spence assures him. He gives me a quick kiss before heading off to join the rest of the band.
For once, I’m not working while Losing Streak plays. I’m here to do nothing but enjoy myself, which is a nice change. I get a drink from Dominick and go in search of Amanda. She’s hanging out with Sophie and Macy, and I take a minute to relish in the feeling of all my favorite people in the same place again with zero drama.
“This place is packed,” Amanda says, shuffling to make room for me between her and Sophie. They’ve managed to plant themselves front and center of the stage. “We had to elbow a bunch of people to get over here, they weren’t happy.”
“Yeah, well, we belong in the front and they don’t,” Sophie huffs.
Losing Streak takes the stage, and Spence grins over at me. It’s not often I get to watch him play from the front row and I’m excited. They get right into it, playing all their best songs. The crowd sings along, and everyone is having a good time.
In a pause between songs, Spence looks up and his gaze finds mine. He looks nervous, which is strange for Spence, especially when he’s on stage. He may be done with being in a band, but he’s still in his element in front of a crowd.
“This next song is a new one,” he says, smiling at me with my very favorite smile. It’s relatively new, and I like to think of it as his Spence loves Gemma smile. “It’s called ‘You and Me’, and it’s for my favorite girl.”
Lost and Found Page 24
