It was fall in Arkansas, and the temperature the next morning was dropping, particularly in the wee hours. I was hesitant to pull into the abandoned parking lot to give my money to the chapter, but then I saw some bright lights flash at me. I guessed it was some sort of sign that it was cool for me to park. But after all that had happened to me in the beginning of the school year, I just wasn’t sure. I opened my glove compartment and put the mace in my pocket, grabbed my cell phone, and kept it in my hand, ready to dial 911 in the event of any kind of emergency. Then Torian came out of the darkness, and even with the serious look plastered on her face, I felt more at ease.
“Do you have the money?” she asked snottily. I started to say something sassy, but I knew this was a part of the pledging process. However, when she sassed up to me with her head swinging and her mouth poked out, I knew we weren’t there for congratulatory remarks.
“Even though you said a few cool things at our rush, know this, little sistah, I did not vote for you. So know there is no love between us,” Torian said as she held her hand out, waiting for me to place the envelope in it.
Not needing her to emphasize anything with me, I said, “Sure, Torian.”
“No, no, you address me as Big Sister Torian Handle That, okay?”
“I’m sorry, Big Sister Torian Handle That.”
“Much better. And also, let’s be clear. Al Dutch and I go out. So you and he can never be caught together again. I know he likes many girls, but I’ll make him see I’m the one. And until he does, I don’t want my little pledgee getting in the way of my happiness.”
She was trying to explain how she had changed her mind about Al Dutch, but I couldn’t hear anything but that fool’s name. I wanted to scream out, “Run as far away from him as you possibly can. Trust me, he’s no good. Your first instinct was right.” But she mistook the perplexed glare I gave her to be one of jealousy.
“You don’t have a choice. I’m your Big Sister here, so you do what I say. He’s going to be my man, and you’re going to leave him alone.”
“May I speak, Big Sister Torian Handle That?” I said to her. “Here’s my money. And I don’t want you to take this the wrong way or anything, but you’re way too good for Al Dutch.”
Thinking back to the pain that chump had put me through, my chest started rising, and it was hard for me to breathe. Clearly, she could tell something was wrong and that I was uncomfortable.
She touched my back and said, “Are you okay?”
“Just thinking about my time with him. I’m not okay. Just don’t.”
“What happened?” Torian questioned. “I don’t understand.”
“Just don’t... .” I hung my head because I could say no more. She dismissed me, and I got back in my car and drove away, hoping she had gotten the message. However, I could not stress out like that again. She was a big girl, and she was warned.
Forty of us had made line, the largest line in the past ten years for the Alpha chapter. I knew it was hard to get along with one black female, but being connected to thirty-nine of them was going to be much more drama. Sam didn’t even ask me if it was okay with me to hold a meeting at our place—she just volunteered us. She started tidying up and making popcorn, and, like clockwork, they all showed up at seven PM on the dot.
Cheryl, Sam’s crazy friend, was there. She was an okay-looking girl—about 5’6” with shoulder-length jet-black hair, and I noticed she had a cute smile, despite her yellow teeth. Her beauty was average, but she had really hard angles, like she was in the army or something. I confirmed my thoughts when her smile quickly changed to a tight pout and she opened her mouth to speak.
“We don’t want to be paper, you guys. We want to do this thing right. All we got to do is get in the car and be with the other lines getting hazed. I heard that they are hazing a line at a school an hour away. We can go and meet up with them. If you got a test to study for, bring your materials with you. We need to be as well rounded as we can. Some of our Big Sisters may be there.”
“Man, we need to hurry up!” another one of Sam’s friends shouted out.
“That’s really what the meeting is about. It’s time for us to come together so we can be as one,” Cheryl sort of demanded, motioning toward the door. “Y’all ready? Let’s be out!”
Sam didn’t seem to be surprised by any of this, but it was all new to me. Somebody was telling me we needed to come together and go let somebody bash our brains in, all so we wouldn’t be paper? I wasn’t going nowhere.
“Says who?” I yelled out.
I looked around. About half the crew had smiles on their faces, slapping each other high fives, ready to mobilize in cars and go join in other underground lines. Isha came over to me and tugged me.
“Can I speak to you for a second?” Isha said. We stepped into my bedroom. “Are you okay with this?” she asked before I could even ask her what was up.
Clearly, she could tell that I was not happy. “I mean, we just can’t let them decide we’re going to do something that could jeopardize all of us getting our letters. We signed a slip of paper saying we wouldn’t be hazed at all. I don’t know about you, Isha, but my word is my word.”
She leaned in and said, “I don’t want to do it.”
Instantly, I was confused. “If you don’t want to do it, why don’t you just tell them you don’t want to go out like that?”
“Come on, Cassidy, be real. They already think I’m the little Christian girl. I roll by myself all the time. That’s one of the joys in wanting to be in a sorority—so I could feel important, think I had it going on. Deep down inside I don’t want to be ostracized, and I could tell on some of the faces of other girls in there that everybody wasn’t for it. We just need somebody who can stand up to Cheryl to say we’re not doing this because our line can’t be divided. Will you speak for us?”
Understanding her pleas, I nodded. I stepped out into the hall and saw Sam grabbing her purse.
“Wait a minute. We haven’t finished talking about all this,” I said loudly.
“We don’t have a lot of time to talk about anything. We got to get in the cars and go. How many people are driving? We need to take as few vehicles as possible,” Cheryl said, talking over me as if I didn’t matter and as if what only she had to say counted.
I nudged my roommate. “Sam, you might want to check your girl. I just said we’re not through talking.”
“All right, well, calm down, Cassidy,” Sam said, standing between the two of us.
“All right, you got everybody’s attention. We’ll be late and get in trouble with the Big Sisters down there, but what do you have to say? Cassidy, we know if they ask us any history to throw you out there because you know everything. What else you want to say?” Cheryl rudely asked.
“We haven’t voted on going. I’m not for this little-go-get-hazed-by-some-sorors-who-aren’t-even-in-school-at- Western -Smith bull.”
“Wait, what are you saying?” Sam said to me. “You don’t want to be legitimate?”
I said, “I don’t know how many of you guys are for it, but everybody needs to really think about the repercussions of us stepping out there and somebody getting hurt, us getting caught, or who knows whatever else.”
Isha yelled out, “We could go to jail!”
“We could get thrown out of school,” said somebody else who was on our side.
“Oh, what, so half of y’all don’t want to go?” Cheryl said. “Sam, you need to check your roommate. All those who are ready, let’s roll out.”
Sam turned and walked toward the door. I grabbed her arm. She needed to rethink following a nut because she was on her way to getting cracked. I pleaded, “Don’t do this.”
“Sam, let’s go!” Cheryl called, almost screaming.
Half of the sorors were out the door; the other half of us were inside with arms folded, clearly not moving. Sam was torn. Before our line had officially been inducted as initiates to the Beta Gamma Pi pledge process, we were already divided. There
Sam stood between right and wrong.
5
GLORIOUS
I leaned over to Samantha as we stood in the middle of our line sisters, anxiously knowing that whatever we decided was going to affect everyone. “Before you head out of here, you really need to make sure you’re okay with risking all of us not being Betas. Maybe we should just take a second and really think about the repercussions of all this,” I said to Sam.
She looked over at Cheryl with eyes that longed for compromise. The girls who stood behind me sat on the floor. This bold move spoke volumes. Until we truly discussed this, all of us were not going.
Sam and Cheryl whispered stuff to each other. The girls outside started having doubtful faces. Sensing she was losing the argument, Cheryl called everyone back into the apartment.
“Can you at least tell us how this all came about?” I asked Cheryl, trying to keep my cool with the chick I felt was a head case.
“Come on, Cass. We all have friends who go to different schools. My home girl I went to high school with is on the line up there, and if we want any respect we’re supposed to go up there and see them along with two other lines. We’re already late.”
I began my rounds of serious, thought-provoking questions. “Doesn’t that seem odd to you? We’re not even officially on line, yet we got to come there right now or they’re going to deem us paper? That just seems strange to me. Don’t you think we should talk to one of our own Big Sisters to find out if that’s what we should really do? You mentioned some of Alpha chapter may be there, Cheryl—do you know if they will be there for sure? Honestly, they could hate the fact that we went without being told to.”
“But if you talk to one of them, they’re not going to let us go. Going through other Beta chapters keeps them from being directly involved. Plus, you know Dr. Garnes has them on a tight leash. So what if they don’t go or don’t know? We still want Betas everywhere to give us props. Come on, you guys. We pay now and get much respect later.” Cheryl looked around, waiting for everyone to feel her argument. “Everybody doing this is legitimate. Our Big Sisters went through a lot. We’ve all heard the stories. They get much admiration not only because they’re Alpha chapter but ... I can’t even say it. You know why they get mad respect.”
I attempted to reason. “Yeah, I know why, because somebody lost their life during their pledge process. And we should be standing in line, getting in our cars, jumping up and down, ready to follow that crazy path? Man, that is just foolishness to me. I’m not doing it. You all can go ahead and call me whatever you want—paper, napkin, towel ...”
Many started laughing. I was serious though. Cheryl made the meanest face. The majority of us didn’t care about her tantrum.
I wanted to be part of a sisterhood, not a zoo. I could think for myself, and I could rationalize right from wrong. A part of being on a line was to develop unity, to find one voice, to put a whole bunch of different opinions under a microscope and come out with a plan. But even if we all didn’t agree, we still supported the majority. And although that was the sister theory, where was I going to draw the line? When would I stand up for what was right? Would I go along even if that meant someone else dying?
Thinking about trying to please everyone, I stood and said, “Look, I’m not trying to be popular here, and I’m not trying to cause problems. I just want to stand for what I think is right for all of us. I got a pretty good relationship with the leader of our line. I’m going to call Alyx and see what she thinks about this whole thing. If she thinks we should do it, I’ll go. That’s the best I can tell you.”
“So you’re going to jeopardize us to get your own piece of mind? What if she says no and then you won’t go and our line is divided?” Cheryl said, not budging from her point of view.
“Well, if she’s the leader of the line you’re signing up to be on, and she says no, you shouldn’t want to go, and our line will be one,” I retorted.
Sam pulled Cheryl over to the side when she got up in my face and I didn’t back down by standing straight up in hers. I was doing all I could to compromise, and they had to do the same. As much as I wanted to stick to my former outburst and not go, I was open to doing what Alyx said.
I overheard Sam say, “That’s reasonable, Cheryl. Come on. Cass is more than trying.”
Isha was behind my back and egging me on, saying, “That’s right, you told her right.”
Cheryl came over to me and said, “Make the call.” Everybody sat down when I called Alyx.
“Put me on loudspeaker or something. I need to talk to everybody, and I can’t come over there and see y’all because that is against our rules,” Alyx said as I followed her instructions and hit the button. “Hey, y’all, this is Alyx.” Everybody said hey. “Just so we have an understanding, there are going to be some of my sorors who may try to get you guys to do this and that, participating in all kinds of stuff, and as long as you guys are going through Alpha chapter, know for sure you will be legit. But we need you to trust us and do it our way, so if you’re not down with that whole plan, maybe you need to rethink whether you should pledge before we have the meeting completing this pledge process tomorrow. So no going down to another school, got it?” She hung up the phone.
We all just sat there, each and every person deciding for themselves if and why they wanted to be a part of Alpha chapter. Though everyone wasn’t pleased, we all collectively agreed, even Cheryl, that we weren’t going to go get hazed. We were one.
We’d officially been on line for two weeks now. We’d been inducted as Pis, we were bonding as a group, and we’d been through three different ceremonies. Each was getting us a step closer to hopefully becoming full members of the best sorority around. We actually had two lines. One in which we lined up in alphabetical order—because lining up by height was considered a form of hazing—and one in which we ignored the rule and lined up by height anyway (when we weren’t in the presence of Alumni chapter members, Dr. Garnes, or anyone from the campus). I wasn’t the tallest person, so I was number three of forty.
“You know what tonight’s ceremony is about?” Isha, who happened to be number four, asked me. “I’m so excited!”
We’d gone through Gem one, a seminar on leadership, learning that every member of Beta Gamma Pi stands for excellence and is a pioneer. Gem two was about sisterhood; the basic principle we got from that special night was that we were joining a sorority. We each had our own family, but we were now joining a new family of incredibly strong sisters. The Gem targeted how you should care about others as you cared about yourself and that you should never intentionally break that rule. Gem three was about education; Betas were smart because we always knew there was more we could learn. Now we were headed to Gem ceremony number four. Yeah, I knew what it was on: Christianity. Because I was a new believer, I was a little less enthusiastic. The President of the chapter, Malloy, and Alyx came into the large dressing room of the school’s historic theater, which was where the ceremony was being held, and addressed us.
Malloy, with a stern face, spoke first. “Listen up, y’all. I’m just going to be honest. My mother’s the National President, so I get to preview a lot of information that the Grand Chapter gives about all the chapters. Also, because my mother doesn’t want me to let her down and be the one to blame if this chapter happens to get taken for good, I’m just going to keep it real and let everyone know I’m not going to allow anybody to jeopardize Alpha chapter.”
Isha elbowed me and whispered, “What’s going on now? What did we miss?”
“We’ve been informed,” Alyx said, equally perturbed, “that a few of you guys have been participating with the underground line at another collegiate chapter.”
My heart started racing because Sam and I were cool. But now that I thought about it, I hadn’t seen her around the house lately, and I hadn’t been drilling her about what she was doing, because we only had a limited amount of time to study and get work done before it was time to participate in pledge activities. Certa
inly, she hadn’t gone and gotten herself involved in something that jeopardized her dream of being in the best sorority in the world.
Malloy continued, “I see y’all looking all around. If you guys want to come forward and spill if you’ve been participating, that’s fine. But just so you know, I do have pictures.”
Though I didn’t want to see anybody go, I had to be honest, it was a great moment when Sam said, “See, I told you all not to go down there.”
Some girls in the middle of the line just stood there like they didn’t know who she was talking to. I knew Cheryl was one of them.
However, Cherly shocked me when she stood beside Sam and said, “We decided we weren’t going to go. It was all of us or none of us. We decided we weren’t supposed to go, and I told you three to stick with us and not go out like that. Dang, y’all.”
Three girls got out of line and followed Malloy out of the room. Sam started crying. The other three girls were part of her crew. Now it seemed they were out.
Alyx addressed us. “I’m glad it was just three of you guys. I’d hate to lose our whole line because you couldn’t follow our rules. We’re founded on Christian principles, and tonight’s Gem is so important to me because God saved my life, turned my life around, and has given me a new hope. I learned that if you do things the right way, the way the Bible tells you to, everything will work out. As you go through this Gem ceremony tonight, remember those three sisters who just left. They couldn’t obey the plan and they will suffer the consequences for it. When you follow His plan for your life, you can truly have happiness.”
Dr. Garnes was leading the ceremony. We were standing on a piece of purple carpet they had brought in that signified the royalty of the king. We held up our right hands and read the oath on the card in front of us. We followed Dr. Garnes’s words.
“I vow to keep the Lord in my heart and to always let his life shine in me, allowing the Holy Spirit to make me the best Beta I can be,” Dr. Garnes said. “As I touch each of your heads with a drop of this anointed oil, I pray that you take time to take in God’s word, understand his purpose and plan for your life, and, above all, strive to please him.”
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