Got It Going On

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  All I could do was pray. Lord, just before Dr. Garnes came, I asked You to help us. Is this my fault? I wasn’t sure whether someone was getting whooped up on. I needed you to free us from the terror, and maybe because of my prayer I summoned our adviser to intervene.

  I grabbed my head and just shook it. I had stopped praying at that moment. How could I be mad at God and question how He had answered my prayer? What was I, stupid? I was bringing even more tension and anguish into my life. I’d heard the saying “Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it many times before.” But this was one of the first times I’d ever prayed, gotten my wish, and wanted to take back my words.

  As I was the last one left in the room, I dropped to my knees and said, “Okay, Lord, forgive me. I’m just so new with this whole Christianity thing, and I don’t know how to talk to You. I don’t know what to specifically ask for. But You got to know I didn’t want us to get in trouble when I asked You for help. So now that this is how You solved my problem, can You help me solve another one? Can You make Dr. Garnes not say anything? Can You help her keep her mouth closed? Can You get her to understand they never touched us, and we were just in a line?”

  Then I remembered a passage in the Book of Job: The Lord gave, and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Maybe this wasn’t about my prayer or want I wanted. Maybe He didn’t want Beta Gamma Pi for my life. So many people often said, “If you’re a believer and a Christian, how can you be in a sorority?” That had never really phased me because Christianity had never been something that meant anything to my life, but now that it did, I wanted to live a life that would bring honor and glory to a majestic Lord and Savior. I was being a part of an organization founded on Christian principles.

  Many in the organization particularly believed Christianity had used more venom, more nastiness than truth and love. If God didn’t want me caught up in all that, would I be okay with His decision? That’s what I felt something inside me was asking. I guess it had always been there, but again it was all new to me. I didn’t know why I was wrestling with myself. I was now at a crossroads. Would I trust God with whatever He gave me, or would I continue to be caught up in needing to have it my way? Then it became crystal clear that I was getting a message from some internal force. Go talk to Dr. Garnes yourself. Share with her your heart. See what happens.

  Sam ran back in the room. “Cassidy, we’re waiting on you, girl. And we need you. Everyone is tripping. We feel we’re messed up either way.”

  “Well, don’t let them stress too much. Just stay in the car. I need to go check on something real quick,” I said, dashing around my girl.

  “Where are you going?” Sam asked.

  I didn’t want to tell her, because I didn’t know how the conversation with Dr. Garnes would go. I surely didn’t want anybody putting all her hope on me.

  I knocked on Dr. Garnes’s hotel door. As soon as I knocked, I walked away, too nervous. I didn’t get too far, though, because she answered.

  “Cassidy, you okay? Your whole face is stressed. You having a relapse or something? You need to talk?”

  “No, doc. I just came, on behalf of my line, to ask you to please give us another chance. We can’t blame anyone but ourselves. We all want to be a part of Beta Gamma Pi so badly. Whatever we were asked to do, we would do. I know we’ve lost three girls on our line because they were participating in hazing. One could consider that we did the same thing. But we want to be here for Alpha chapter. We want to become Betas to change the system. We want to stand by the motto and make this world a better place. We want to please God as a chapter. We just ask for your compassion not to turn us in.”

  She looked over at me, surprised, and said, “I understand why you guys were doing that. My line was also taken over by some alumnae sorors years back, and when we crossed, a lot of colleges in Arkansas didn’t want to have anything to do with us and considered us paper—not real or whatever. It was the most hurtful feeling. It took a long time for them to come around and understand we were hardworking Betas, as you said, ready to make our world better. I wouldn’t wish that inadequate, isolated feeling on anybody. But the thing is, Cassidy, I now understand that people who feel that you need to be hazed in order to be worthy enough to join the sorority are the ones with the problem. We can’t cater to wrongdoers. So tell your line sisters you get no more warnings. I know you were under dire pressure. Follow the rules from here on out, and y’all should be fine.”

  I sprung into her arms and hugged her tight. God had used me in a mighty way. Four days later, we stood in front of a limited number of Alpha chapter sorors because some were suspended. Not all of them could witness our meaningful initiation vow. I could not believe we had crossed. It felt wonderful, and I was so thankful that God had Beta Gamma Pi in the cards for me after all. I was not planning to let him down with what He’d entrusted me with.

  It was the first sorority meeting. Thirty-seven excited new Betas stood ready to go through the formal opening ceremony that took place before every meeting, ready to go through the chapter’s agenda, and ready just to be a part of the fold without feeling inferior. Our actual crossing-over ceremony hadn’t been that special, but none of us cared. We hadn’t had a decorated space and many gifts after we crossed, because the chapter was missing members due to the trust-walk incident that Dr. Garnes did report.

  Torian, Loni, and the other Betas who had been with us that night on the walk of trust weren’t allowed to participate with us as Pis. So that left Malloy and Alyx to work with the alumni sorors and bring us into the fold. Though we had a ceremonial table, we were told later that we didn’t get the nice facility, all the extra candles, and the well-decorated tables because frustration had set in that the line had been tampered with.

  Though we weren’t penalized, Alpha chapter was divided. Torian and her crew felt we weren’t loyal to their cause and we needed to figure out a way to fix things with them. Personally, the threat didn’t bother me, and now that I had my letters, I wasn’t bending over backward to please them. The majority of my line felt differently though.

  Malloy and Alyx had told us they were mad at their sisters, who were now my sisters. And somehow all of us had to find a way to not just coexist but act as one.

  The actual opening ceremony was powerful and meaningful. We went through a vow and gave a reaffirmation statement saying we were committed to Beta Gamma Pi for life, and then we were able to start the chapter business. At the beginning there were no major issues.

  Malloy was conducting the meeting as the President. We went through her report, the First Vice President’s report, and the treasurer’s report, and that’s when we knew we were going to need to have some kind of fund-raiser because the funds were low. Even though they’d taken thirty-seven new members, a lot of the money they’d collected had had to go to the national organization. Next, we split into committees, and it was neat to see where I wanted to serve. Lots of sorors on my line started raising their hands, ready to volunteer. I was happy to know we were ready for business.

  Dr. Garnes had to be excused for a second when she was paged from work, and as soon as she left, Torian stood to her feet, got very indignant, and shouted, “I want her out. Dr. Garnes needs to be voted down as our adviser.”

  Loni stood next to her and said, “I know we’re out of order, but we don’t have much time before she brings herself back up in here. I want her out, too.”

  “Okay, well, because you know you’re out of order,” Malloy said, hitting the wooden gavel in her hand, “sit down.”

  The room burst with conversation. Everyone had to voice their opinion at that time. It was mayhem. Malloy banged the gavel louder.

  Torian walked to the front of the room and snatched the object out of Malloy’s hand. “Malloy, you might have the power, but this is our entire chapter. We talked to some of the new sorors, and they’re behind us on this. We get to choose who our adviser is. Dr. Garnes is too uppity and old-fashioned to reall
y be able to relate to all we have going on.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Dr. Garnes had basically saved my life, helped turn me around, and kept our line intact. How could Torian want to oust her? Even more incomprehensible, how could my line sisters want her to go?

  Malloy stood and held out her hand for the gavel. Torian looked like she wasn’t gonna give it back. Alyx got up and eyed Torian hard. Finally, Torian handed it back to Malloy.

  Torian vented, “Handle it then.”

  Malloy hit the gavel again to settle us down, and once we were quiet, she said, “We can’t discuss this now. There is no formal motion on the floor.”

  Loni stood to her feet and said, “Fine, then I move that we ask Dr. Garnes to step down as our adviser.”

  “I second that motion,” Torian said with her neck and eyes moving all crazy.

  I had a lump in my throat. I felt sick all over. Why was this happening?

  Malloy then said, “Is there any discussion?”

  Quickly, I raised my hand. So did a lot of other people, but I wasn’t called on. I was about to explode.

  Malloy said, “The chair recognizes Isha.”

  Sensing she was outnumbered, Isha shyly said, “Don’t you guys forget that she was the one who allowed our line to continue.”

  “Yeah!” Torian said sarcastically. “She did her job with the pledges. Now that we have a bigger chapter, we need a more progressive-thinking adviser, not a narrow-minded one. She’s got to go!”

  The parliamentarian at the back of the room, who’d been nonexistent up until that point, turned the lights off and on, and more noise erupted. “Madam President, I call for the question.”

  I wasn’t up on parliamentarian procedures, but I knew that meant no one else was to talk and that it was time to take a vote. There were thirty-seven of us and eleven of them, so that meant forty-eight of us in the room. When the vote was cast, forty of them wanted her out. My heart sank. Sam was sitting beside me. She held my hand. She knew Dr. Garnes loved us and cared for us in ways that would be hard to replace.

  When Dr. Garnes came back in the room, Malloy gave her the bad news. I didn’t know how she was going to react—she’d served, and these chicks were ungrateful. But like the classy lady she was, she held her head high and didn’t break down.

  With a bit of emotion in her voice, she said, “It’s been great serving you guys, and I understand if we’re not a good match, that’s fine. I’ve enjoyed my time with you. I pray that you all find the leader you want. I think all of you, and I do mean all of you, are great.”

  9

  PISSED

  As Dr. Garnes walked out of our chapter meeting room, steam was shooting out of my ears. I was so angry and disappointed in my sisters, knowing that they would kick Dr. Garnes to the curb. Our overwhelming majority vote quickly made me question if I even wanted to be a part of such thoughtlessness. What were they saying? If things didn’t go their way, if they didn’t like what was happening—even if what was happening was right—they would fight it? Just remove the situation from memory and not deal with the truth?

  Torian and Loni and some of those other Betas had been wrong in coming to haze us. Though no one had been physically harmed, they had violated the no-hazing policy. And Dr. Garnes really could have had them suspended for good, yet she’d given them a pass and just told them to stay away from us until we crossed. I could have kicked myself for not seeing that there was something up. I mean, though we were a tight line, the last few days had been tough, and as I thought back further, I knew my sisters had been trying to figure out a way to get back into all of the Big Sisters’ good graces. Instead of distancing myself from the drama, I should have stayed close to it to let them know they didn’t need to cave like that.

  With a little more arguing going on in the line, people were becoming antsy, not really believing we were going to cross and thinking Dr. Garnes would change her mind and expose us all. Because she hadn’t, you would have thought they would have been loyal to her. Yet Torian had gotten to them, and the first chance they’d got at the first official meeting, they had cast the first vote, and she was out of there. After the vote, they had kept on going with the meeting as if nothing bad had happened; they hadn’t even realized they were out of order because they technically couldn’t conduct a meeting without an adviser present.

  However, I couldn’t just keep going on as if nothing had happened. You would have thought they were celebrating someone’s birthday, but to me this was more like someone’s funeral. I got so worked up I kicked my chair.

  Sam tugged at my arm. “We got outvoted. We tried. There is nothing else we can do, Cass. We’re supposed to go along with the majority.”

  I knew that’s what we had learned when we were pledging, that you might not always win a chapter vote but you were supposed to support the chapter’s decision. But to me, that was as severe as if the chapter had voted to rob a bank—because we said we’d do it, would I go along with something criminal? I tugged my arm away from my girl and dashed out the door.

  Frantically searching and then finding our ex-adviser, I said, “Dr. Garnes, wait up, please! I want to talk to you. I’m so sorry this happened. Those girls are jerks.”

  “Cassidy, I’m fine, sweetheart. However, you need to go tell your sisters they can’t have a meeting without an adviser present. But something tells me at this point they don’t care. I do want you to keep doing what’s right, though. You don’t have to worry about you being seen with me.”

  “I’m fine.” This wasn’t right, and I was not going for it. Something had to be done.

  A plan came to mind. “You should fight this. We should fight this. They can’t just get rid of you without going through the Regional Coordinator, right? Plus, they can’t oust the adviser right in the middle of the semester.”

  “Wow, I’m surprised you’ve been reading the chapter manual handbook. They’re not able to, but sometimes you know when you’re tired and you know when you don’t even want to prolong something that’s not working. I came onto this position because I care about this chapter and you young ladies. I do have high standards for our sorority, as we all should, but I’m not gonna let collegiates take the short road. I am also not going to stay and try to input my wisdom into knucklehead, hardheaded, fast-behind girls. Sometimes you have to lose something before you really appreciate how good you had it, and sometimes you’re not the only one who can make a difference. And I’m begining to realize, the chapter and I may need to part from each other, Cassidy.”

  Wow! Dr. Garnes really wanted what was best for Alpha chapter and not what felt good for herself. To me it seemed humiliating, and yet she didn’t take it that way at all. She was saying she wished us all well and she’d be praying for us. We talked a few more moments about my disappointment.

  “I just want to make sure you’re okay,” Dr. Garnes said. “You have a lot you’re dealing with and not dealing with, and though I am not going to be your adviser, you know you always have an open door to talk to me any time you need.”

  She gave me a big hug. I didn’t want this to end. I wanted her to see my side and get ready to fight my bullheaded chapter sorors. I knew what was best for our chapter—she was. Unfortunately, she wanted to let it go; the chapter sorors had let her go. I neither agreed with, nor could do anything about, either decision. As she walked away to her car, I knew we had let a good one slip away, and I was angry.

  It was finally Christmastime. And as hard as the semester had been, I had managed pledging, a tough schedule, and all the emotional ups and downs. However, I was so happy to get a break and go home. I still hated a lot about my upbringing. I hated that I was from a poor family, I hated that Christmas had always been modest when I was growing up, and I hated that though we didn’t have much, my mom allowed her sister and brother to mooch off us.

  My aunt Sally was five years older than me and had never had a job—had never even finished high school—and my mom thought it was ok
ay to allow her to find her way on our time. She’d help Sally get new clothes and other stuff, and it bothered me because it actually took away from my own food and clothes. My mom felt like she had to be Sally’s mom because their mother had died when Sally was two. My uncle Bill had done well in high school sports. He’d had colleges scouting him from all over the southeast for baseball. However, his grades had been so horrible he couldn’t pass the graduation test to sustain any offer. When he’d become a senior and didn’t graduate and watched his dreams go by the wayside, he’d turned angry.

  My last few years of high school, Bill had been playing ball in some minor league. He should have been sending money back to my mom, but she’d said he was blowing it on alcohol and drugs. Now that no one wanted him to play anymore, due to a busted knee, he was back at her house doing nothing.

  When I walked into my mom’s house, I could have thrown up. The whole place smelled like smoke. When my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to the grocery store, I jumped at the chance. You would have thought they would have had the place clean and stocked with groceries for my homecoming. Not!

  As soon as we were in the car alone together, I said, “Mom, I don’t understand why you put up with the two of them wasting their lives away and milking you for all you’ve got. Those are grown folks living off their big sister. They are not kids anymore. Kick them out, shoot.”

  “You don’t understand, Cassidy. We’ve had it hard. Family sticks together. That’s the one thing I remember my mom instilling in me so much. When you graduate from college and get that good job, I’m going to hope you’ll ...”

  Okay, I couldn’t even listen to anything else she was saying at that point. I rolled my eyes and became tense at the idea that I would become my family’s breadwinner. I was supposed to go to college and then help take care of all three of them? She was really tripping, worse than a person locked in the crazy house.