There were so many unanswered questions. I felt like I couldn’t hear God speak at all. There was no way I could be mad at Him when I was the one who had been promiscuous.
A knock at my door interrupted my thoughts. I had appreciated Sam and Isha’s help, but this was my battle. I had told them earlier that I was fine. I had gotten myself into this, and I would get myself out, even if “out” meant I would soon be dead. We all had to go that road eventually. I just wished I could do it over or tell other young girls my story so they wouldn’t end up scared like me.
The knock came again. I just wanted to scream out to them to give me some time alone. I figured if I didn’t answer the knocks, the person would go away. I figured wrong.
“Come in,” I called out to the door after the third tap. When I looked up it was Konner Black looking so handsome and regal in jeans and a sweater. I was so used to seeing him decked out in suits that seeing him dressed all casual and cool made my heart skip a beat.
He said, “Look, I just like being honest with people. Now, I know you weren’t expecting me, but I did call your cell. You didn’t pick up.”
“It’s off somewhere. Now is not a good—” He put his fingers to my lips.
“Shhh!” he said. “I know you wanna be alone, but I got word from Isha that you may need my shoulder.”
“What did she tell you?” I asked uneasily.
“She just said you need a friend. You might need someone to pray with you. I know when we left last time it wasn’t on the best of terms, but like I told you then, I’m fond of you, and I meant that. If you need me, I wanna be here.”
Was this guy a sign telling me the Lord did care? Was Konner the boost of help I needed to brighten my day? There was no way I could tell him, and I hoped Isha hadn’t. I’d be too embarrassed.
I walked over to my window. I couldn’t hold back the emotion. Konner came over and placed his arm around my waist. He was so comforting as he just held me and allowed me to cry in his arms.
He kissed me on the cheek and asked, “Do you wanna talk about it?”
I realized that if I did open up, we would never be a couple. But I didn’t want to do to him what Al Dutch had done to me. I mean, Al had been with me under false pretenses; some girl had probably already told him she was HIV positive—or some guy, knowing his wild behind. He had probably thought he was resilient to the disease, and it would just bounce off his back, like he had never come in contact. Now he had put me and who knows how many others at risk.
Yet there I stood in the arms of a gentleman who cared deeply for me—so much so that he wanted to save a special part of himself for me until God said it was right. To make sure I was never tempted again. The idea of me being HIV positive and the possibility of me giving it to Konner made me jerk out his arms.
“What’s wrong with you? Just talk to me. I promise we can work it out. I’m not gonna judge you, Cassidy,” Konner said. “Isha told me nothing.”
Very upset, I shouted, “Earlier in the year I was raped by some creep, okay?”
He said, “Well, we can deal with that. Did you know who it was? Have you reported it? We can get through this.”
“No, we can’t. He just told me tonight that he’s HIV positive!” I yelled and just lost control.
He didn’t leave. He held me close and said, “Listen. Cassidy, it’s okay. This is bad news, but I’m not going to allow you to be broken. You can cry and get it out, whatever you want. We’re gonna work through this. Cassidy, you’re too strong to break. God brought you this far down this dark, curvy road. Things will straighten out. He won’t leave you here in the bend.”
14
GRIPE
“I can’t believe this is happening! What did I do to deserve this? He violated me in the highest degree. I didn’t wanna have sex with him. He just took it. He had his way with me, Konner! I know you’re gonna think I’m just another fast girl. No guy would take that from me if I wasn’t leading him on, sending all the wrong signals,” I said to the guy who had been kind enough to come to my side and comfort me.
I walked to the other side of the room, humiliated and bummed out that I had to involve a guy like Konner, who was too good to be with me. I couldn’t expect him to stay.
“Come on, Cassidy. You gotta know that all guys out there aren’t jerks. It’s taking all of the Holy Spirit in me not to go looking for this punk and bust him up.” He placed his arms around me and said, “I know this is difficult. You can vent to me as much as you want. Now that we know what we’re dealing with, let’s develop a plan.”
Okay, he was saying this “we” thing, and I felt real snug and secure in his muscular arms, but I was still uneasy. I couldn’t allow him to be my hero in all this. I’d been a victim, and the only way I was going to feel good about myself again was if I dealt with this alone.
“You know what?” I said, pushing away and changing my tone to a stern one. “While I appreciate you coming over here, and I certainly needed to talk, I am not all right with this whole we’re-gonna-make-a-plan thing. Maybe you could just pray for me or whatever. I will leave it up to God’s doing. I will sit back and let time determine how I feel. If nothing changes, I should be good because Al Dutch doesn’t fully have AIDS yet. I should be okay.”
His eyes squinted, and his face held a disgusted look. “That’s just crazy!” he blurted out, not even caring about what I’d said. “So you’re saying you’re not gonna get tested and you’re just gonna wait and see how you feel? I can only imagine that this is not easy to deal with, but you gotta have medical proof that you are okay. I believe in my heart that you are, but you have to want to do this for yourself. Be responsible for yourself about the situation, finally.”
“Finally!” I remarked, becoming defensive. “Are you saying I wasn’t responsible before?”
“No, I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying you could finally put all this worry to rest. Don’t wonder and worry needlessly when there is testing that can be done to determine your fate. If you are HIV positive, there are meds out there for you. The earlier you find out, the quicker you can get treated. Don’t be careless, Cassidy. Go out and get tested right away.”
“You know what? If I’m so careless, this is my life. Maybe I was crazy enough to let you in. Please get out because I don’t want to hear your complaints, suggestions, or sermons about how I should live my life.”
“Ain’t no need for you to sit in here and talk about anybody else,” Loni said to Torian as the two of them literally talked about me behind my back.
The chapter meeting was about to start, and a part of me didn’t even wanna stay. I knew the whole school knew about Al Dutch and what was going on with him. It had been only two days, but bad news traveled quicker than an e-mail sent over the Internet.
Al Dutch had packed up, moved out, and been transferred. All everybody really knew was he was HIV positive and had admitted to the Centers for Disease Control that he had slept with more than twenty women in the last six months. Because I had just sat down at our chapter meeting, I wasn’t sure if Torian and Loni were talking about me specifically or what, but if they were, it was going to be on.
“Girl, please!” Torian said to Loni. “I was not that dumb to be with the fool.”
“Whatever. Both you and her need to go to the doctor. I don’t believe you and Al Dutch didn’t go all the way.”
“I’m telling you we didn’t. I didn’t sleep with him. He got overly aggressive, trying to get me to do this and that, and I socked him right in the nose. The punk wasn’t that big and bad then when I threatened to use my mace on his behind,” Torian said.
“You never told me that,” Loni said, laughing. “You came back and said everything was great.”
Torian said, “It was great. Not great in bed, but great that I didn’t have to be violated. At least now I’m glad I didn’t go through with being with that slick-talking, disease-carrying dog.”
At that exact second my eyes welled up. Just hearing Torian say that a
ll she did was give a little resistance and Al Dutch had backed off made me wonder why I hadn’t done the same. Why hadn’t I hit him, punched him, kicked him, and jabbed him? Why did I lay there and take it? Too late for all those why nots.
So I took a deep breath and remembered what Konner had said. It was what it was, and I had to deal with it. I just wasn’t certain about testing. Yeah, I had thought about it long and hard over the last forty-eight hours since I had pushed a good man out of my life. Truth was, I was scared that the test would come back positive. Yeah, we were all gonna die one day, but to know my time may be shorter rather than longer was extremely unsettling. This whole ordeal made me feel like I was wearing size-A panty hose when I really needed a D; there were rips, holes, and tears everywhere in my life. Was there any relief in sight?
All of a sudden Cheryl came busting in the door, and there was a whole bunch of buzz in the room. Isha and Sam weren’t too far behind her, and they came and sat beside me. Cheryl walked up to Malloy and Alyx, who were at the front table. They gave her a chance to speak.
“I just wanna say that y’all been doing a lot of talking about me and other females in this chapter who were victims of Al Dutch. I know that I put you guys in an awkward situation, and now you know why I lost my mind. I had just gotten some horrible news, but that was no excuse to keep beating that girl. But I want to address that we talk about sisterhood, and if you go out with a guy who forces himself on you and you’re not comfortable telling anyone else, you should be able to come to your sisters so we won’t repeat your mistakes. I know some people have to learn some things for themselves, but at least give us the information and allow us to decide. I might be dying because one of our sorors decided to withhold life-threatening information. And because of her my life may not be spared. Are we really sisters in here, y’all?” Cheryl dashed out of the room.
I could barely sit there and stand hearing all the rumblings around. If I could have, I would have returned my Beta Gamma Pi card because I certainly felt like I wasn’t a part of the bond. Even though I had kept my experiences with Al Dutch to myself, not wanting to hurt anyone, now it didn’t seem like the right choice, and I had hurt someone a great deal. On top of everything else I was carrying, this had to be the worst. But what could I do but own up to it? I couldn’t change it. Or could I? I had to tell the chapter I was the person who had betrayed Cheryl. I could do it.
“All right, sorors. Calm down,” Malloy said. “We need a point of order. Everybody can’t talk at the same time.”
A senior soror on the first line, who I didn’t know, stood up and said, “Whoever did this to her needs to apologize to us right now.”
“Some things just need to be left alone,” Torian called out from behind her.
“No, it doesn’t need to be left alone,” the soror continued. “Beta Gamma Pi is founded on Christian principles, and we keep forgetting that.”
“Forget the Christian thing to do and focus on the sisters. This is a sorority, not a church,” Torian retorted.
What did they want me to do, replay in detail how Al Dutch had raped me? Go through all that again and let them know I had kept it to myself because I didn’t want to be mentally damaged forever? Plus, I remembered the night I had brought this whole awful mess on myself—every girl in the room had been drooling to be with him. Yeah, I guess I needed to stand and set them straight. Had I told them then, they would have still wanted him. That’s what the real issue was. We needed to truly trust each other and not have to learn everything the hard way.
Just when I was about to stand and admit it was me who had hurt Cheryl—and confess that I was also one of Al Dutch’s pawns—Isha stood and said, “It was me. I heard at the church that Al Dutch was HIV positive. One of the new members at the church came out and told everything. I knew Cheryl liked him. The problem was I didn’t know so many other people in here did, too,” she said as she looked over at me. “I wasn’t sure it was true, and I definitely thought Cheryl would hate me for getting in her business. I should have said what I knew. I ruined her life.”
“That was dumb,” Torian said from behind us. “You would have wanted to know.”
“Yeah, you should’ve said something,” Loni uttered.
“Shut up!” I yelled to the both of them. “By the grace of God, you ain’t better than any of us in here, Torian. A lot of this mess we’re in right now is because you’re so strong-willed. You think your way is the only way that’s right. We’re in a sorority; that means we’re all equal. This is not a dictatorship, and this is not Torian’s world. You wanted to let a great adviser go, and right now we’re conducting business out of order. So don’t say what is dumb. And, dang it, Loni, you need to quit following her, just like the rest of us do.”
“Point taken, Cassidy. Everybody just have a seat. This is a lot for us to deal with,” Alyx stated, standing between us so no one would fight.
“I’m not gonna sit here and let some neophyte call me out like that. I got some stuff I wanna say, and I’m not gonna sit down right now,” Torian said.
“Yes, you are,” Malloy called out, banging the gavel.
“Girl, just sit,” Loni said, yanking her down, obviously knowing she did need to quit following Torian and stand up to her sometimes.
“We are a Christian-based organization,” Malloy said, “and we need to deal with this like a higher power is holding us accountable. We need to get on to the business at hand, and that’s where our chapter stands.”
All of a sudden Torian pushed me. “No, we need to deal with this right now because I’m not gonna allow this girl to come in here and tell me what to do. You might be going through a lot, Cassidy—you and Cheryl, and I hate that. But I mean, I was smart enough to leave the fool alone, but don’t come in here and take it out on me because I didn’t sleep with the guy. You think I don’t have any feelings?”
“Nobody’s saying that,” Loni said to her.
“You need to keep your hands off my friend,” Sam said to Torian.
Everyone was waiting, even Torian, to see how I would respond. “I’m dealing with a lot right now, Torian. I overheard some of your conversation with Loni, and I am so thankful that you had the strength not to be victimized like I was. If it would make you feel better to hit me because I told you the truth, then you need to be a woman, quit all these threats, and hit me. Isha wasn’t the only one who let Cheryl down. Everyone has been talking about me and Al Dutch, but the truth is, Al Dutch raped me. I was too fast, and everybody knew it. My reputation forced my roommate and I to keep quiet, and it drove me crazy. Because I kept quiet, Cheryl got with him, and now both of us are in a mess. I’m upset right now with myself. With you, there is no gripe.”
15
PURPOSE
“Thanks for agreeing to ride with me, Cassidy,” Alyx said as we headed to Little Rock to see her boyfriend’s play the next day.
He had written, directed, and produced a musical that had gotten funded and was traveling around the southeast. When she’d called me last night and asked if I’d ride with her so she wouldn’t have to make the trip alone, I agreed—so I could get out of my world and step into somebody else’s.
Alyx Cruz wasn’t the type of person who gave lectures, so I didn’t think I would be ridiculed. But she did have a way of putting in her two cents. I knew she really cared about me because she had made sure I made the line months back, knowing that most of the girls weren’t really feeling me. I knew she’d had to go to bat, call in favors, and stick out her neck with her sorors to get me voted in. Realizing that, I knew if she said anything to me now, it would be because she had reason behind it and a point. She would say whatever she’d say to better me because she cared. However, I did prefer to ride in silence.
Without being forceful—she saw I was in deep thought—she said, “Wish there were some things you could go back and change?”
I knew she wasn’t being funny, that she wasn’t putting me down, but she was calling a spade a spade. I ju
st looked out the window. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, and I certainly didn’t want to tell her to shut up, but now I was in a predicament. What good would it be to rehash what should have been buried?
Even though she could see I was uneasy with the conversation, she surprisingly kept going—she didn’t back off. So I knew her motives were pure. She wanted to talk me through my gloom.
With one hand on the steering wheel, she used the other to touch my shoulder. “My heart’s breaking hearing about this whole Al Dutch thing you’re caught up in, but rumor has it a lot of you girls are afraid to go get a test. Not wanting to find out if you’re afflicted with this thing or not. I’m not your mother, Cassidy. I don’t even have mine anymore,” she said, reminding me of last year when we all got word that one of the Beta’s mom had passed; I had been saddened to find out it was hers.
Alyx had been new to the school. She’d transferred last year, but she had such style, such charisma, such grace—she was one of those people who has it going on—and I wanted to be like her. It was easy to get caught up in her hype because you could believe what she set out to do. She was out to make it happen. Yeah, she was a little wild, too, and that was probably why she liked me. Books weren’t her thing when she’d first come to Western Smith, but she’d buckled down and gotten it together. She’d blossomed in front of our eyes.
So I believed her when she said, “I haven’t done everything right either. Served some time in jail last year for a mistake I made, almost could’ve killed somebody driving drunk. But God gave me another chance. You got to face the music and know what you’re dealing with and know what kind of chance you have if—”
“What kind of life will I have, Alyx,” I said, “if I’m dying?”
“We’re all dying. We all got one foot in the grave. The more you live, though, the more you learn, and the more you learn, the more you’re expected to do with that knowledge. If you know you need to take certain medicines right now to give you even more life on this earth, wouldn’t you want to be taking that medicine? I mean, it’s a no-brainer. An idiot wants medicine when he’s sick. Do nothing, and your odds of fulfilling your destiny diminish because you can’t do nothing for God, Alpha chapter, yourself, or anybody if you’re not here. And if you do nothing more than spend your days telling other young women about the scary incident, you need to live many days to tell that message. I know deep down inside my heart that there’s much more you want to do than even that. But again, if you do nothing more than help somebody else not go the way you went, you got to take care of yourself. You got to not be afraid. You got to step out on faith and find out your fate.”
Got It Going On Page 11
