“But we don’t want her!” Torian yelled, and Loni yanked her back in her seat. Other sorors screamed out, “Shhh!”
Angrily, the Regional Coordinator said, “Yeah, you all better quiet down, whoever that is, because this is not about what you all want. Grand Chapter knows what is best and what is needed. If you can’t comply, no more Alpha chapter. That is definitely not a threat—it’s a promise. Handle your business.”
As Sam and I arrived back at our place from the meeting with the Regional Coordinator, both of us were stunned. With eyes wide open, as if we’d just witnessed a historical event or something, we were shocked to see Cheryl perched at our front door. Sam immediately went over and hugged her tight. The grip wasn’t reciprocated, but as I looked at Cheryl and saw her eyes tear up, I knew she appreciated it.
“Hey, Sam, I need to talk to Cassidy,” Cheryl said, staring at me with a face I could not read.
“Sure, girl,” Sam responded as she came out of the hug, straightening up Cheryl’s shirt that had been messed up during the embrace.
Before unlocking the door and going inside, Sam peered over at me as if to say Please take care of my friend. Please don’t say anything to make Cheryl upset. I nodded at Sam, signaling to her that I understood.
When Sam was inside and Cheryl and I shared the privacy of the outside air, she said, with no emotion, “I need you to go with me.”
“Okay,” I said, without knowing where we were going. As Cheryl moved toward her car, I thought about the fact that the chick may still hate my guts, so I wisely asked, “Where?”
She walked back to me and got really close, so close that I could feel her breath on my skin as she said, “I owe you a big apology. I’ve been so mad at you and others in the chapter for not telling me what kind of monster Al Dutch was, when all I had to do was live by God’s word and keep my legs closed in the first place. I wouldn’t be in such a predicament.”
Hearing her apologize was tough to take. I still felt responsible and didn’t want to be off the hook. However, I knew, to connect with her again, she had to forgive me. Deep down I knew I was wrong for showing Al Dutch I was willing to give it up at the party that night; so, too, was Cheryl ultimately responsible for giving in to him herself.
Cheryl continued, “Well, now it’s time for me to face the music. I’ve gotten so many e-mails, phone calls, and texts about you not wanting to get tested. Now it’s time to go. We both may be infected, maybe both not, and maybe only one, I don’t know. But we need to know, Cassidy. As many people offered to go with me to find out what was going on, I knew there was one person who understood how uneasy all this feels. And if you came all the way to my crib that night you found out, I need to help you through this as well. I guess what I’m saying is, if you can come to me and let me know that your heart is breaking and that we are both carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders, I know now that I can’t care only about myself—I have to care about you, too.”
Cheryl’s words were profound. We did need to get through this together. Like a person with a horrible toothache dreading to go to the dentist, so, too, had I been putting off going to get the HIV test.
“Let’s go deal with our consequences. We both have to do this,” she said as she gripped my hand.
Without hesitating I said, “Okay. But I need to make one more stop.”
Cheryl said, “Cool.”
I had Cheryl drive to Ginger’s dorm. She and I hadn’t talked in a couple weeks. She had called and left messages, but just like Cheryl had done with me, I hadn’t returned them. Ginger’s support and concern had suddenly sunk in.
Cheryl stayed in the car, and I went up to talk to Ginger. I told her where the two of us were going. She said she had an appointment for the following week, but why put it off? She grabbed her purse, and the three of us were off to the clinic where Al Dutch had been tested.
As we sat in the waiting room, none of us spoke. Ginger couldn’t stop fidgeting, and Cheryl couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop praying.
Silently I chatted with God. Lord, right now the three of us are getting ready to go through with this HIV test. I know You’re always on Your game, but today is a big day for Ginger, Cheryl, and me. Could You help us out and only give us news that is best?
17
GRATEFUL
The next two weeks were brutal as I waited for the results from my HIV test. Thank goodness I had school projects and sorority drama to occupy my mind. Otherwise I would have lost it again. Every day I went to the mailbox, nervous, to see if there was an envelope from the clinic, and I was relieved when there wasn’t so I wouldn’t have to deal with the outcome one way or the other.
But one particular day after I put in my key and opened the mailbox for our apartment, I felt a panic attack coming on when I saw the clinic’s name at the top of the letterhead. PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL were stamped on the outside of the white envelope for Cassidy Cross. The time to find out my fate was now.
Also keeping me sane was the fact that I had been studying God’s word. If there was one thing I had learned it was that God won’t give you more than you can bear. Believing in my faith, I tore into the envelope. Now was the time for me to deal with it. Whatever it was I had to face, I wouldn’t have to do it alone.
Slowly I read the words: Cassidy Cross, you have tested negative for the HIV virus. Please be advised that we recommend two more sets of testing over the next six months.
The letter had more instructions, but I needed to speak to the doctor to make sure I was cleared for now. Immediately rushing to the phone to dial the clinic, I got on my knees as the phone rang. God had done me a favor, and before I did anything else, I had to express my gratitude.
“Lord,” I called out, “thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve learned a big lesson. I know I’m not out of the woods, but thank you, Lord. It feels like a mountain has been moved from my heart.”
“Dr. Oak’s office. May I help you?” the lady said, cutting off my praise.
Gathering my thoughts, I said, “Yes, this is Cassidy Cross. I just had some HIV testing done.”
“Yes, Ms. Cross, this is Nurse Stevens. How may I help you?” the sweet voice said.
“I just received my letter.”
“Great, do you have any questions about the results?”
“Yes, may I speak to the doctor?”
Nurse Stevens said, “She has just come out from seeing a patient. If you hold just a second, I’ll get her on the line.”
Moments later, the doctor said, “Yes? Dr. Oak.”
“Yes, Doc, it’s Cassidy Cross. I just got my results.”
“Let me just pull up your results, Cassidy. Here we go. Yes, you are HIV negative. I’m very happy for you. Again, we do recommend more testing. I don’t know if you read the letter in its entirety. It doesn’t mean you’re completely out of the woods, but this is a great sign, so you should be relieved.”
“Yes, ma’am, I am. How do I do the other testing? When do I set it up?”
“I’d say come in to the clinic in three months. Then come three months after that. I don’t recommend any sexual activity. Only abstinence keeps you completely safe from possibly spreading anything to someone else. Do you understand?” the doctor said.
“Yes, ma’am, I understand,” I said and I hesitated. “My friends—you know, the three of us came in there together—I don’t want to call somebody and have their results not be like mine.”
“I do understand, but I cannot give out any information on another patient. Friendships are very important; you need them. You hear what I’m saying?”
“Yes, doc, I think I do.”
“Okay, well, take care,” she said.
As I hung up the phone, my hands started to shake. The doctor couldn’t give me personal confidential information, but she had told me enough. Sister to sister, I had gotten it. One, if not both, of my girls hadn’t been given the same great news I had. Now I just had to figure out what I was going to do abo
ut it. How would I want someone to deal with me if my test had come back positive? Would I want to be left alone or not?
Realizing I would want comfort, I quickly got into my car and went over to Cheryl’s house. I’d be able to tell what was up without even asking her. Sure enough, when I saw her, she was open arms, hugging me, screaming until she realized she didn’t know what my results said.
And then she asked, “You cool, too? Everything all right?”
“Yes!” I let out with the joy of a bride walking down the aisle.
“What about your friend—have you talked to her? You know, the girl on the dance team?” Cheryl asked.
“I’m going to go see her now,” I said, realizing Ginger may need me badly.
Still happy from her news, Cheryl said, “You want me to come? I know we’ve all got something to celebrate. I just know it.”
“No, I don’t even know if she’s home or whatever. You enjoy the moment,” I said, trying not to give away my concern for Ginger.
“Okay, call me later. I’m so happy. I thought I was going to lose my life, Cassidy. I know I have to take some more tests, but this is good, this is great. Call me later,” she said as we hugged.
Now I knew Ginger’s results. What could I say to encourage her? I went over to Ginger’s house and heard crying before she even came to the door.
“It’s me—let me in, please. It’s Cassidy.” She opened the door and waited for me to give her my fate.
“Please tell me you’re okay. I don’t want both of us to have to go through this. I was just with him too much in the summer, I guess.”
“Well, it takes only one time. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”
“Are you okay?” she asked, waiting for my test results to be shared.
“For now I’m negative. I do have to have other testing,” I said, not trying to be too excited.
“Oh, my God, I’ve been praying you’re okay,” Ginger said unselfishly as she gave me an embrace of joy. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. How am I going to tell my parents? What kind of future will I have?”
Smiling, I said, “You’re going to be okay. They have treatment plans. What’s awesome is that you know.”
Trying to stay sane, Ginger said, “Yeah, I talked to Dr. Oak, and she said there’s so much we’ll be able to do.”
“Isn’t that good news?” I said as she wiped her tears.
“Yeah, I’m looking on the bright side. Thanks for coming by. You’re okay, and you came by to check on me. You’re a good person, Cassidy.”
“I’m glad you’re okay. We’re both going to be okay,” I said, hugging her tight.
I meant it. We were both going to be all right. I knew God had us both.
Isha and Sam were overjoyed with the fact that Cheryl and I had received great news from our tests. They took us to get ice cream. They took us to the nail shop. They took us to the movies. They just were loving on us and letting us know how happy they were for us.
I didn’t take it for granted that I had friends who cared so much. And though I had personal joy, I made sure I stayed connected to Ginger as well. Everyone knew she’d been tested, and everyone knew she wasn’t out around the campus celebrating and giving testimony about how she had come through this time and would make sure she was never so promiscuous again. When everyone would ask me what was up with her and what her results were, I just avoided the question, and that in and of itself gave them their answer. Ginger and I spent time on the Internet looking up information about what she was going through, and we also went to the library and found a tone of inspiring news. There was medicine she was going to be able to take on a regular basis, and just like celebrities who had come out about having HIV and had not gotten AIDS because of treatment, we felt that all hope was not lost.
I was visiting Ginger in her apartment one day when my cell rang. I looked down and was surprised to see it was Torian. What did she want with me? She and I didn’t hang out, and we weren’t the best of friends. I was actually shocked to get her call, and I wasn’t going to answer it. But when I didn’t pick it up the first time, she immediately called back again.
“Yeah?” I answered, a little huffy, letting her know she was catching me in the middle of something.
Not caring what I was doing, Torian boldly said, “We need to talk to you. We’re trying to get our adviser back, and the chapter wants me to go talk to her. I’m not really down for all that. I was trying to see if you would do it.”
“Are you kidding?” I let out in frustration.
She was the one who had been so vocal about getting the chapter to oust our adviser in the first place. Now she didn’t think she needed to apologize? Why did she think I’d do her dirty work for her?
“Maybe that didn’t come out right. I need your help, Cassidy,” Torian said, understanding that she was ticking me off.
Sighing and tired of the bull, I said, “She’s not going to listen to me. I tried to get her to help us before, and basically she said thanks, but no thanks. That bridge is burned for good.”
“Maybe you didn’t try hard enough. I know she likes you.”
“That’s just it, Torian, she liked all of us. We should not have let her go in the first place. Our chapter is gone, because she’s not coming back,” I said.
“Listen, I didn’t call you to bash me. She forced my hand; she got in our business. Advisers aren’t supposed to run our chapter. Really, they’re supposed to advise, not demand. She crossed the line, and we—most of us—told her to leave.”
“Well, then, we—most of y’all—need to tell her to come back. Maybe she’ll hear you out, even though I’m sure she’s heard from the state director and the Regional Coordinator to know that if y’all don’t get her back, we don’t have a chapter. With her knowing that, holding that card, you’ll have to hold your breath. And when you hold your breath I suggest you not be under water, because when you let go, Alpha chapter will be sunk.”
“Whatever. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t get amnesia. You know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m not going to help you. Bye,” I said, hanging up.
“I was so bummed out that I didn’t pledge,” Ginger said to me, trying to help me calm down. “Now I’m going through this, and I wish I had sisters to be there for me like you’re there to help me through this.”
“Sisterhood is good, but sometimes, just like you have family that’s crazy, you get some sisters who think you’re supposed to do anything for them, and it’s just not like that. You can’t bail people out all the time. How are they going to learn a lesson?”
“I guess that’s just it. When you truly care for people, you want to go through the hard lessons for them—I mean, I feel like I’m going through this HIV thing so you don’t have to,” Ginger said.
“Well, I still have more tests.”
“Yeah, but there’s a big chance you’re fine, and that gives me hope to keep going on. I’m carrying some of the weight of it all from both of our bad choices. Shouldn’t you carry some of the weight for your sisters who don’t always do the right thing? We all make mistakes, but how long should we have to pay for them, you know?”
“Yeah, but you and I realized our bad choices. We were with a jerk. This girl doesn’t even realize she was wrong.”
“So maybe you should talk to her about that and not just turn your back and hang up on her. I don’t know, forget it,” Ginger said, really making me think.
Immediately, I thanked Ginger and told her to call me anytime. Soon as I got in my car, I called Torian. She met me at my house, and we had a severe heart-to-heart.
“I know I was wrong,” Torian admitted. “I was just around a whole bunch of our sorors when we last talked. I know it’s stupid, but I didn’t want people hearing me feel weak. However, it’s killing me to know that I’m basically the reason our chapter might not be in existence anymore. People followed me, and I led them into a hot mess. I just ne
ed you to go with me to talk to her. I’ll apologize. I was wrong.”
I set up a meeting the next day with our ex-adviser. She heard both of us out, and Torian was surprisingly extremely forthcoming about the err of her ways. Reluctantly, our adviser agreed to come back. I learned that Ginger was right. Everyone deserves a second chance, particularly when they felt really bad for their mistake. Everything was working out for us Betas. We had unity again, and now we had an adviser. We at least had a fighting chance to stay on campus. But what would happen with Cheryl?
Another week passed, and things were coming together. I had gotten a good bill of health at least for the next couple months, I was ready for my exams, and I had great grades, so I knew my scholarship would stay intact.
My mom and I had been in contact, and she had confessed so much about her past that had been painful for her. Hearing things I didn’t know was bringing us closer. She felt so bad about everything I had gone through with my uncle Bill. Like me, she and my aunt Sally were in counseling.
Also I had decided to be a drum major again. Though I enjoyed the dance team, conducting with the whole band was my skill. Working with different sections of the band and helping them get better was my strength—and the band director agreed. Plus, I knew it was Ginger’s time to lead the dance team. Hopefully, this would inspire us to stay upbeat and come back to school.
But even with all that going right, I still missed Konner Black. I’d wake up in the morning, and when I’d see my toothbrush, I’d think of his perfect smile. When I went to bed at night, I’d look at my Bible and have a vision of him preaching in a pulpit, looking so good. When I was in school and going through my assignments, I would think about him studying God’s word, looking adorable as he gave God first place in his life. In so many ways, I missed him. I’d left so many messages, but it’d been a few weeks since my last one.
Got It Going On Page 13
