by Dee Palmer
“Ethan…” Her soft voice is timid. “Can I not…you know… do that.” She worries her lip and I am intrigued.
“Shy, Ada, because you know I’ve just sucked your juices from your–”
“Yes! Yes!” She squeezes her eyes shut and squeals her interruption. “Yes, I know exactly what you’ve done, thank you. No, I’m not shy, it’s just…” She falls silent and her brows knit tight. “I like the feel of your weight on me.” She states but I sense it’s not the truth, well, not the complete truth anyway.
“Hmm is that so?” I coax with a wry grin. “What else do you like?” She shakes her head, mortified she has told me that much. I roll onto her, not giving her all my weight but enough for her to moan and her eyes to darken. “I tell you what, you tell me something else you like and I won’t make you go on top this time.”
“This time?” She queries.
“This time.” My words qualify her question. Yes, there is going to be a next time. I nudge just inside her heat; she is hot and slick from her earlier orgasms and it would be too easy to push all the way in but I want her to give me something more. “Tell me, Ada, because I can stay just like this forever.” I pull back to the edge of her wetness and feel her body quiver beneath me.
“I like your weight pressing against me, trapping me.” She mumbles.
“You said that already.” I nudge a little further inside and I can feel her muscles try to grab, eager for more. She lets out a frustrated sigh.
“I…I…” She pauses, but I raise my brow for her to carry on. “I like it when you hold me down like this and I like it really hard.” Her face is bright red and if I wasn’t to the point of exploding, I would think her blush was too cute. But her filthy mouth is more than enough. I lunge just like she asked, hard, harder, and so fucking deep. Her cries blend and all I can hear is gasps, panting breaths, and skin slapping skin. She wants it hard–I want it harder. I hold her wrists, using them to leverage me a little distance so I can watch her. Her eyes blaze with lust and fire, holding my gaze as I pump like a man possessed. She meets my frenetic pounding thrust for thrust and its only moments when I can feel the grip and ache in my balls. Her muscles ride me and just when I think I can’t hold back a second longer, Ada’s cry breaks my flow.
“Ethan, please can I …ahhh!” She fails to finish her request and I fail to hear it as I follow her release with something that felt more like a napalm explosion than coming inside some girl I barely know. Fuck!
I collapse and roll, bringing her sated body alongside mine. I wrap my arms around her and relish the feel of her pliant, sexy little body draped languidly over mine. Our heartbeats are frantic and our breaths have synchronised into deep pulls for much needed oxygen. Her hand covers my heart and mine covers hers feeling my beat slowly return to normal. She shivers and I drag the blanket over us but she continues to tremble.
“Are you okay?” I tip her chin so her face is looking up to me, her cheek pressed against my chest.
“Honestly, I’m not sure. I’ve never…I mean is it always…do you always…sorry I just–” She shrugs when I speak.
“Just can’t finish a sentence.” I kiss her hair and chuckle. The warm feeling permeating my bones has little to do with the new cover and everything to do with what I am holding in my arms. “I could be wrong but I got the impression you enjoyed yourself.” She sniffs and rolls her eyes at my subtle attempt at ego boosting.
“Hmm.” She snuggles back down and squeezes more warmth into my soul. “You could say that; it was amazing but exhausting.” She yawns so big she finishes with a shy smile. “Sorry.”
“Amazed and exhausted–my work here is done.” I tilt my head to kiss her good night or early morning.
Her breathing has settled but she doesn’t feel asleep and as tired as I am, I can’t drift off either.
“Ada?”
“Hmm?” Her sleepy reply and breath wash over me and warm my skin.
“Does running away have anything to do with your C-section scar?” I hold my breath and wait for something–tears, anger, or outrage–but what I get is worse. Her voice is level, ice cold, and her eyes no longer shine.
“I need to use the bathroom.” She pulls herself from the bed and without looking back she closes the door to the ensuite. Shit! I thump the pillow and drag my hands through my hair. I don’t know who I’m more pissed at. Ada for shutting down, or myself for asking something when I swore I wouldn’t get involved. Swore I wouldn’t do it again. Have an easy, uncomplicated, drama-free summer that’s what I wanted. It’s what I needed. But then Ada. Shit! Before I can retract the question or demand an answer she opens the door, fully dressed. She steps to the bedroom door and I jump naked and race to shut it, but she is through it before I can stop her.
“Ada, don’t do this.” Do what, I’m not sure. It’s not like I have asked her to move in, but I don’t want her to leave like this. I want her to talk to me. I want her to trust me; after what we just shared, wasn’t that worth a little trust? “After all that you still won’t trust me.” She barks out a laugh, her lips flatten her expression impassive.
“Ethan, we fucked…you’re good…you’re just not that good.” Her jaw tenses and she flinches at her own harsh words. Her internal struggle is laid bare, but it’s not the lie she just threw at me she is having trouble with. It is everything she wants to share but won’t–I can see it in her eyes. They well with water and I reach for her, unable to stand this distance. She chokes her words and shakes her head at my offered hand. “Please, Ethan, I can’t.” Fat tears burst on her cheeks but she roughly wipes them with the back of her hand.
“Let me help, Ada. I won’t ask for more but let me help.” My back stiffens at this compromise. I want more;I want everything from this woman but she is standing on a precipice and I need to talk her down to my side of the mountain.
“Why, Ethan? You don’t owe me anything.” Her voice is pitched and she loses her fight and struggle to keep calm. “You can’t save me, Ethan…You can’t save me.” She repeats, her tears falling down her face, pooling on her clothes. She sniffs and tempers her heart breaking sobs.
“I won’t ask again, Ada.” I hope my stern tone and final threat, will bring her to her senses. I can’t bear the pain ripping her apart before my eyes.
“Good.” She whispers and turns away. “I’m not worth saving.”
“Fuuuuuck!” My foot slams into the closed door splintering one of the panels. “Fuck!” I look around at my now tidy apartment and want to tear it apart. I have never been so fucking mad. I need to run this off on the beach or I will end up trashing my own home. I storm into my bedroom and quickly change. I need to clear my head because how I feel at the moment, I want to find her and drag her back here. Not so she can tell me her secrets, just to keep her safe. I don’t like where my head is leading and I just don’t trust myself. My landline rings. I didn’t know I still had a landline connected and who calls anyone at this time in the morning. I snatch the phone up and snarl.
“Nice time to call, arsehole!”
“Well, it’s always so nice to speak to you, Ethan.” Bethany’s voice is a little startled.
“Bets, shit sorry. Bad night or morning…nevermind. It’s still bloody early, is everything all right? Dad okay? My gorgeous nephew? My brother-in-law?” I run through my check list.
“Tom’s fine, Daniel is fine, and Luca is the reason I am calling at this hour.” She sighs and I can hear muffled sniffles and surprisingly loud noisy sucking sounds, which I really hope are Luca.
“Daniel said he was sleeping through.” I slump down on the sofa now I know there are no emergencies.
“That is because Daniel is usually awake at this time so for him it is sleeping through. For me…not so much. I still have a potential three hours more sleep time. Anyway, I’m awake now and I just wanted to leave a message before I forgot. If I’m honest I didn’t really think about the time…sorry.”
I sniff. “Least of my worries, Bets. So, what
’s up with the little one?” I can feel my anger and aggravation start to ebb. Bethany has a way of distracting me whether it is talking excitedly about her six month old baby boy, or her work, even trying to get me to believe my time with Kit was real and good.
My mind drifts to twelve months ago when I took Kit to my mum’s favourite spot on the South Coast. I had never taken a girl there, had never felt that I wanted to share something so personal. After mum died, I couldn’t stand to go there, even if Dad sought solace in Mum’s favourite place on the planet. I just couldn’t take anything from it except a gaping hole in me that she could no longer fix. I brought Kit there, just once, because I felt something for her and believed she did too. But after everything that happened, I honestly doubt I can make that call, and I know Bethany believes her sister’s changed, but it doesn’t negate the fact that she used me at the start. Those first true feelings I felt for her were lies, and they felt so fucking real. If Kit could trick me into believing there was more between us, how can I trust the same thing won’t happen again? I can’t. I won’t.
“Ethan?” Bethany’s voice brings me back. “Are you okay?” As if she sensed me zoning out, but instead of being irritated her voice is laced with concern. “Hang on, let me put Luca down.” There is a muffled sound and some gentle voices when the phone clicks.
“Ethan.” Daniel takes the call and as fine as we are now with each other, I would still rather be put on hold.
“Daniel, what’s up?” It’s a casual greeting that doesn’t require an answer but he takes a moment, so I know he is going to answer.
“You tell me? Bethany has that look on her face that generally only comes from guilt and or talking to you. One and the same in my book but only one of those expressions I enjoy dealing with. If this is about Kit again, you know I share your view. She got what she deserved. But Ethan, Bethany doesn’t see it like this and I won’t–”
“Dan!” He hates it when I call him that but it does the trick and stop his tirade. “A little early for the lecture. This isn’t about that. Twelve months later and I’ve moved on, so back the fuck up.” It’s not about Kit anymore because I don’t care what her motives and how they might have changed because of me. I care that I can’t trust my own judgement. “Besides, Bethany called me. So stop making me out to be a whiny little bitch. Jesus, I don’t know what she sees in you!” I grumble low but perfectly audible, rubbing the exhaustion that is beginning to set into my temples.
“I have a massive cock.” He informs me coolly. The phone clicks again.
“You are a massive cock.” I say before I hear Bethany’s voice.
“Why can’t you two play nice? For me, hmm?” I can hear the smile in her voice because for the most part, we get on fine. It is only when he is being protective that he comes across as a dick, but I can’t even blame him for that. I feel protective toward all my exes to some degree, so I can imagine how that must escalate when you come so close to losing what you love the most.
“Because he’s being Dan the Dick and it’s a little early for that.”
“Ethan, you seemed fine when we met for lunch last week. What could possibly have happened in that time in sleepy Cornwall to make you sound so…so–”
“Pissed?”
“Yeah…that.”
“Nothing.” I hear her sigh again. “Look nothing bad or good. Nothing. I had this party and it just went south.” I try to keep it vague, but she sniffs her derision.
“Ethan, your parties are legendary, so I find that hard to believe. It’s not like you to hold back with me…wait–”
“No, Bets, I mean it! Just stop or I’m hanging up.”
“I’ll only call back. It’s a girl isn’t it?” She squeals with delight and my chest tightens. It’s not a girl. It’s Ada and I have no idea what to tell Bethany, because I have no idea what just happened myself.
“It’s not.” I state emphatically. “It’s me. I just thought it would be easy to slip back into my old self here and…”
“Ethan, I love your old self but I love your new self, more. Really, your world view of a little loving spread far and wide isn’t a recipe for long term happiness. It’s the recipe for a lot of friends and a lonely Ethan.” Her soft words pin point my pain. “Ethan, don’t shut yourself up because of Kit. You are worth more than what you are getting back. But you have to trust yourself again.”
“I’m not ready for that, Bets. I doubt I ever will be but as a sop, how about I agree to keep the door open.”
“It’s a start…I just want you to be happy.” She pauses. “Anyway…I was calling because I wanted to check if you were coming up for Luca’s Blessing in two weeks. I thought we could plan a night out. I have Grandpa on standby for babysitting. What do you think?” She lifts the mood of the conversation with the tactical change of subject.
“Sounds good…text me the details.” I yawn and stretch with a loud groan that has her chuckling.
“Late night?” she teases.
“Late morning, actually, but I’m going to go for a run…let off some steam.”
“Oh, she really got to you then?” Her subtle fishing makes me laugh out.
“Nice try, Bets, I said I would keep the door open. That’s all you’re getting.”
‘Okay…okay…I will settle for that…for now.” I hear her blow me a kiss before she says goodbye and hangs up. I’ll keep the door open just not wide enough to let anyone through.
WHY AM I crying? Why can’t I stop crying? It’s lucky Sheila is doing this life painting mostly of my back profile or she wouldn’t have enough red paint to capture the swollen, puffy mess that is my face. The sobs have stopped but even as I lean artfully against the cool glass window looking out across the still quiet bay in Sheila’s studio, the tears fall unbidden.
“Ada, sweetie, we can do this another time, you know. It’s not so urgent, maybe you need to go home and rest. Take a day off.” She doesn’t approach and I am glad or she would see a fresh slew of sadness on my face. It’s only a small part of the problem causing the sorrow that I don’t actually have a home. I beg and borrow but I have nothing to call my own. I have nothing period, and I am worth nothing until I can find Pip. With Ethan, I had the best night since I ran away–the best sex–and for a brief moment I let myself go and felt happy. I don’t deserve to feel happy but I did. I’m not being dramatic. It’s not like I don’t think I ever deserve to be happy; what my father did wasn’t my fault. It was Cal and my father who sent me to Hell. I can blame them until I am blue in the face but until I find Pip, I don’t deserve a moment of peace and until last night I hadn’t had one.
“I’d rather work Sheila, but thank you.” She doesn’t push me and she has long since given up trying to get me to talk about myself. She gives me a tender smile and disappears behind her large canvas. I feel my body jolt but it’s numb from holding this position and doesn’t actually move. My heart on the other hand is fiercely pounding in my chest at the site of the runner on the sand. Long, strong strides eat up the shoreline, his chiseled chest reflects the rays as they break through the early morning cloud. Highlighting his exertion with a glistening sheen of sweat, even I can see from this safe distance. My mouth dries, as he pounds relentless from one end of the bay, turns, and runs back. He repeats this several times before he collapses, bent over, hands on his knees. He drops his head before he straightens and stretches. Shirtless, with lose hanging jersey shorts, he looks as stunning as the sunrise doing its best to be magnificent behind him. He shakes his shoulders, and I just stare and stare. He is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. Why did he have to ruin it–whatever it was–by asking stupid questions?
I would happily trade anything I have for a repeat of last night without the stupid questions. But I don’t have anything of worth. Ethan doesn’t barter for sex and what really worries me is, I feel that I would want to answer the stupid questions. Nothing is worth that risk. But I can look at least…there is no harm in looking. He slips his trainers off and
turns to run toward the sea, repeating his gruelling regime in the water this time. When he emerges from the water, the sun takes that moment to break fully free of the cloak of clouds and bathes his body in brilliant light. Wow…just wow. It takes everything I have not to try and wriggle to press my thighs together to ease the ache that is grinding away deep inside. The beach is still empty and I think what a crime this view is going to waste. So many ugly things in this world and that picture right there is for my eyes only. I get a warm feeling prickle my skin and wrap around my body at the notion.
He has stopped midway up the beach, directly in front of the studio just a little ways back. He lifts his eyes as he drags the wet hair from his face. He looks directly at me. I jump back as if lightning struck my chest. My palm slaps firm at the impact, my heart is breaking free; I can just feel its utter panic. Sheila is instantly at my side and calms me with a light laugh and her arm across my shoulders.
