by Dee Palmer
“What? You can’t be serious?” Even shifting on my side I can feel the pleasant roll of pressure deep at the base of my spine.
“Sorry, do I look like I am joking?” His brows furrow with confusion and he shakes his head at my silly misunderstanding. “I would hate for you to think that I don’t take your arse training seriously. I intend to focus all my attention on that very task, all day. But first the door…get dressed, it’s Sunday and today you are not working…and yes I am serious about that too.” He slaps my quilt covered backside, slips his shirt over his head and leaves the bedroom before I can voice my objection. I recognise the giggle as soon as I open Ethan’s bedroom door. Ethan is leaning against the island and Sky is draped around his neck, pushing herself flat against his body–my body. Sky’s overt flirtatiousness has never been an issue because it has never affected me. It’s just her way, I remind myself, despite the bubble of purest green knotting in my stomach. My feet are silent on the bare floorboards, but Ethan turns and his eyes light. His genuine pleasure flashes in his most heart-stopping smile. He doesn’t look guilty at the embrace he is engaged in, because I can see by the way he picks her hands from his shoulders, that there is nothing there. At most, maybe some friendly tolerance at the personal space intrusion. Sky steps back though, a little frown on her face, and a pout, which disappears into a mouth drop when she sees me for the first time.
“Ada?” Her voice is a little high pitched with utter shock. She has been back from her holiday a day or two, but I haven’t seen her at the bar. I assumed someone must have told her I was living here; it’s a small town. Surely Buddy would’ve said something, that’s why she’s here right? To see me…I have no right to feel jealous. Ethan agreed to monogamy and has spoken possessively about me and in return, I have fed him nothing but lies. He deserves better than me, but does that mean he deserves Sky? I hope not. I’m a bad friend to judge, but she knows I don’t share her promiscuous view of ‘life’s too short’. Honestly, it has never been an issue but as long as I have known her, she has never been faithful to her partner. I may not be in a position to hold lofty standards, but cheating is low. If you don’t want to be with someone have the balls to end it. “What are you doing here?” She narrows her eyes and they flit between Ethan and me with rapid uncertainty.
“She’s living here…duh!” Ethan playfully ruffles Sky’s mass of tight blonde curls, like he would a shaggy dog, and she slaps his hand away.
“Living? As in actually moved into the spare room?” Her tone is clipped and her face is pinched with irritation. I find myself folding my arms defensively, which is stupid. She’s my friend, she is probably pissed she is learning this second hand. I let my arms fall to my side and go to hug her. I haven’t seen her in over a week and this new feeling of mistrust is unwelcome and foreign enough for me to try and ignore.
“Ooo, missed you, Sky. How was Barcelona? You look even more tanned…if that’s even possible. Tell me all about it…I want all the details.” I joke holding her at arm’s length inspecting her copious quantity of exposed skin. Dark golden tan with various ink markings on her collar bone, shoulder, wrist, and a long creeping one stretching from her toe to her thigh. She stiffens and only manages the tightest of smiles, her narrowed eyes fixed with suspicion on Ethan behind me.
“It was great….” She answers flatly and steps around my body dismissing me entirely. “You let her move in here?” I really don’t like the way her tone emphasised me in that question. “You never let anyone move in.”
“It’s only temporary, Sky.” I offer because there is now tension and a temperature drop that is making me uncomfortable.
“You don’t let anyone move in, Ethan, not even if it’s temporary,remember?” She points an accusing finger at him. His face is impassive but his glare is all harsh and glacial.
“I do remember you asked one time to stay here, if that is what you are referring to. So Sky, just so we are clear. I don’t let anyone move in. I let Ada.” Sky curls her finger back into her palm and shifts at his tone. I stiffen because I have never heard him so cold. “And she’s not staying in the spare room.” Sky’s eyes flick over to the sofa and Ethan barks out a humourless laugh, and shakes his head. “I don’t answer to you, Sky, and if you make this awkward for Ada, I will make sure you don’t answer to Buddy either.” His implicit threat at her precarious employment prospects makes Sky’s eyes widen.
“Hey…hey…guys… we are all friends here. I’m grateful for the roof but that’s all this is.” I try to ease the tension, but judging by the scowl Ethan fires my way, I know I have just made it so much worse. He steps up to me and grabs my chin, making me focus solely on the flaming intensity sparking in his dark eyes.
“Say that again!” He growls. “Just say that again, Ada, and this time with feeling because you need to keep telling yourself that a shit tonne more times, if it is going to sound remotely convincing.” His mouth covers mine, his tongue delving between the gap when I gasp at his overt possessiveness. I heat from my fingertips to my core. Oblivious to Sky’s presence, he continues to consume me, pulling me against him, threading his hands in my hair, fixing his hold so tight and painful I can’t move. I don’t want to move.
“Phew, get a room you guys…oh, wait, you have one.” Sky’s laugh falls flat but she is at least attempting to laugh off her strange behaviour. “You’re right, Ethan, your business and it’s none of mine. I wouldn’t have let me move in either, so no hard feelings and I’m just glad you got Ada off the streets.” She laughs at her own double-entendre and Ethan pulls back from my hold. His eyes are dark, no crinkled corners because he finds no humour in her words. I do but he has taken all my breath so I don’t laugh.
“Sky, you said Buddy needs me about this gig this evening?” He might be talking to Sky, his tone is brittle with no inflection, but his eyes bore into me. Every time he looks into my eyes he sees a little deeper, steals a little more of my soul. My heart chips and disintegrates with the weight of my shame at my own deception. He deserves so much more than me.
“That’s right…supplier issues. He needs your connections…he said it’s going to be a full house.” Her voice is back to bright and cheery, all animosity and awkwardness forgotten. Ethan nods and slaps my backside, causing a riot of clenched muscles and my hands to grasp the kitchen island for stability.
“In that case, I’ll leave you two to catch up. Ada, I’ll be back shortly to continue your training.” His voice drops and my face couldn’t be any redder if it was pressed against the sun. My mouth drops at his shameless smirk.
“Oh, what training?” Sky asks and I close my eyes with humiliation–another hard limit for me.
“Mixology…I’m teaching Ada how to mix some classic cocktails.” His tongue slowly licks his smile wider, and I want to punch that gorgeous grin right from his face. “I think that’s what she was asking for…definitely had something to do with cocks and tails…later.” He quickly steps through the door as I hurl the nearest object at his disappearing form. The pile of magazine flutter to the floor, a mess I tidy right away.
“Arse-wipe!” I mutter to myself. “Would you like some coffee?” I straighten the magazines and walk to the coffee machine, acutely aware I feel strange in Sky’s company for the first time. I don’t like it.
“Sure.” Her cool tone doesn’t help my unease.
“Sky…we’re good, right? I haven’t crossed some unwritten line here because I value your friendship more than a warm bed.” Her shoulders sag and her smile is tentative.
“I’m sorry, Ada…no it’s not you. I wouldn’t want you to give up your bed here; besides, why would you when you get to share it with him?” She lets out a sigh that is a mix of sad and bitter.
“I mean it, Sky, if you two are unfinished–” She scoffs her interruption.
“–Me and every other girl…No, not unfinished, never started. He doesn’t do relationships, he doesn’t commit, and he doesn’t fuck anyone who is likely to stick around…Oh!
” Her face loses all its colour, which is impressive given her tan. “Ada, this is not good…for either of you, sweetheart.” She steps up to me and holds my cheeks in her tiny palms, her eyes filled with concern. “Ada, you’re my friend and I’d hate you to get hurt. Ethan doesn’t do relationships, so if you are thinking this is real…It isn’t.” I don’t think her calm words are meant to be cruel, but they feel raw and slice me clean as a sterile scalpel. My eyes prickle and I drop my head to avoid her searching eyes. She doesn’t have to search hard, I am wearing all my hope on my sleeve. “Oh, darling…I’m surprised he’s let it get this far but he will back off…he will disappear and leave you behind. He doesn’t do it maliciously, which is why we all survive, but he still does it and you will be no different. Trust me on this…The only thing you can trust Ethan to do is to still love you when it’s all over.” I am glad the coffee machine is its usual noisy self because it hides my need to sniff back the tears. Sky’s arm wraps around my waist. “Welcome to the club.” She offers a light laugh as a consolation to my tattered heart, and I try to smile but it sticks horribly on my face. I hate clubs. “It’s for the best Ada…I mean if by a miracle he did change for you, what future could you give him?”
“What?” I pull out of her embrace, which suddenly felt like a chokehold, her malicious words barbed and perfectly timed to cause maximum damage.
“Ada, I didn’t mean anything by it…but you know…what man doesn’t want a child…and you can’t–”
I step back like I have been slapped across the face with a jagged broken bottle. “I know what I can’t…Jesus, Sky. How could you throw that at me? I told you that at my lowest point because I needed a friend not because I wanted you to wield it against me someday.” She steps toward me and I step and turn away. Shaking with rage and desolation.
“Get out.” I whisper but I know she hears.
“Ada, I’m sorry but it’s the truth…did you tell him even? Is that fair to him if you thought this little ‘playing house’ was real, I mean. How is that fair to Ethan?” Her righteous indignation holds truth and I hate her for it. I told him I couldn’t get pregnant not that I could never get pregnant.
“Get out.” I repeat, my voice catches.
“You know, whatever…It doesn’t matter whether you told him, Ada, because Ethan is a player…always will be and I should know because we are just the same.” I can hear her gather her things but I don’t turn around. “I’m only pissed he’s now come between us…Oh, that and I never actually fucked him but since he’s changing his own rules left and right, maybe that will change too.” Her spite and hateful words roll off me, her damage was done long before this last tirade. I walk away, my head held steady even as silent tears free fall down my cheeks.
“Close the door on your way out of my home.” My voice breaks and I curse I didn’t have the strength to hold it together. I hear the door click and collapse on Ethan’s bed. My head buried in the covers that are saturated with his scent.
“I WILL HAVE whatever you’re having.” Buddy grabs my mug from my hand and peers inside.
“No, you fucking won’t.” I snatch it back and push him roughly out of my space. He lets out a laugh and holds his hands up in mock surrender.
“Fine…fine just maybe care to share what’s put the jam in your donut.” He grins at me like I’m the funniest thing he’s seen.
“Stop grinning like a fucking idiot and I might think about it.” I slide onto the bar stool now that we have unloaded all the extra bottles for tonight’s gig.
“I’m not complaining man. I’m stoked for you but I just want to prep myself for when ‘whoever’ it is goes home from her holiday. I haven’t seen you this high, so I do not want to be here when you crash my friend. I mean I know you bounce back pretty quick, but still…” He pats my shoulder and I slap his mock sympathy away.
“Not going to be a problem this time, Buddy.” I reach across the bar and grab a handful of spiced nuts. I have only been gone an hour, but I want to get back to cook Ada some breakfast. Buddy makes a vomiting sound and I catch my own smile, nauseatingly knowing, reflected in the mirrors behind the bar. “Fuck off Buddy, or start looking for a new job.” I throw the bar towel at his head and he lets it slap him in the face, laughing and shaking his head.
“Oh, man I cannot wait to see the chick that has tamed you…I would have bet my first born that would never happen. Not after that last time, for sure!” He is goading me now. I stand and take another handful of nuts.
“Yeah, yeah…fuck off…again.” I bite back lightly.
“Who am I kidding? You’ll never be a one woman man. No fucking way.” He leans back and crosses his arms happy with his critical summation of my relationship capabilities.
“Said the same about you, Buddy, as I recall.” I point out and his own lips curl with the memory of the woman who has the same effect on him as Ada does on me.
“So, who is she? Is she coming to the gig tonight?” Buddy wiggles his brows and slaps his hands together with excitement.
“Ada.” I tell him flatly.
“Yeah, I could’ve used her behind the bar tonight…wait! What about Ada? Ethan what about fucking, Ada? You’re not–” His tone has switched from jovial to hostile in a breath.
“I’m not fucking, Ada.” I interrupt and stiffen as he relaxes. My eyes narrow and I can feel the instant tension in my jaw. Why would that make him relax? “I’m more than fucking her, so choose your next words wisely.” I push the sentence out through my gritted jaw.
“Office Ethan.” Buddy waits for me to move and allows me to walk ahead. He closes the door when we are both inside.
“Ethan, I like you man but don’t mess with her. She’s not like one of your throwaways.” His aggressive tone isn’t the only thing brimming with rage.
“No shit, Sherlock…what the fuck has it got to do with you and why am I such a bad option, all of a sudden? I’m hardly Hannibal.” I run my hand through my hair, surprised at how much this conversation is pissing me off.
‘You’re not a bad option, Ethan, you’re just a bad option for someone like Ada.” He slumps into the sofa and stretches his neck to the left and then to the right until it pops.
“Why? What do you know?” I pull the chair out and sit directly opposite.
“I don’t know anything, man. She doesn’t tell anyone anything about herself but she’s this kind, scared, sweet soul, who is just as likely to fall in love with the first person who shows her there is such a thing as a decent human.”
“Is she in love with you?” I can feel the blood pulsing through my angry veins at the thought.
“No, man…I mean yes, she loves me, but I’m non-threatening. I’m married…she feels safe with me.”
“And she’s not safe with me?” I let out an angry breath.
“No, Ethan, she isn’t. She won’t survive falling in love with someone like you.
“Ha, someone like me…what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I practically snarl at his implied character assassination.
“Ethan, I don’t mean any offence, but you said yourself you wanted uncomplicated…just a bit of fun. All I’m asking is that you stick to your plan. What was wrong with your plan?” He sounds exasperated.
“My plan didn’t involve Ada…so my plan has changed.” My tone brooks no argument but I am struggling to contain the underlying disquiet at his interference. “I still draw the line at crazy, but Ada is the sanest person I know.” I sniff out a humourless laugh.
“Fuck, Ethan, don’t you see how fucking fragile that girl is? She is broken to the core. I’m just asking you to think about her for a moment.”
“I don’t think about her for a moment, Buddy…I think about her all the fucking time. So credit me with the same courtesy I have given you…people change.” I stand abruptly and the chair skids back, hitting the desk.
“She won’t survive you, Ethan.” Buddy drops his head in his hands as I swing the door roughly open, effectively ending this
fucking conversation.
“She doesn’t need to survive me, Buddy…She’s mine and I’m going nowhere without her. So back the fuck off!” I slam the door and storm out of my bar, suddenly needing the cleansing sea air deep in my lungs.
The apartment is eerily quiet and I get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. How can a room so familiar suddenly feel thick with foreboding? I drop my keys on the kitchen island and stride into the bedroom to find Ada. She is curled up on my side of the bed wrapped around my pillow. Her dark hair has fallen over her face, concealing her hypnotic eyes. The sight both calms and saddens me, her cheeks are swollen pink, her little hiccup breaths evidence of too much sorrow for anyone to bare. Jesus, this is killing me, if she won’t open up how the fuck can I stop this pain? I rush to the side of the bed and drop to my knees. My hand strokes the tear drenched hair from her cheeks and this startles her. So lost in her despair, she didn’t hear me approach. She tries to pull away and scuttle further into the middle of the bed but I follow her retreat, climbing so I am alongside her. My arms sneaking to secure her and prevent any further withdrawal.
“Hey angel, where do you think you’re going?” I pull her to me, her slight body rigid, her breath is still struggling to regain a normal pattern. Sudden deep gasp and sobs escape her lips and her shoulders shake with the pressure to project anything other than what is obviously utterly heartbreaking. “Shhh,” I feel her ease a little into my hold, but she is shaking her head, fighting the comfort she is drawing as if it is a bad thing.
“No, Ethan, I can’t…” She sucks in a breath that feels like pure torture. “I can’t do this. You shouldn’t be with someone like me…I’m not a good person, Ethan.” She blows out the words that cause her so much agony. I fight the most enormous smile, which is trying to break across my face, because I take an inordinate amount of comfort that she is clearly struggling with a decision she mistakenly believes she has the power to make. The fact that she is torn about her feelings for me is like a signed declaration that she is already mine.
