by Toni Aleo
“Well, if you need anything, let me know.”
“Yeah, ’cause you aren’t jam-packed with shit,” he shot back at her and she rolled her eyes.
“I’m trying to be supportive, asshole.”
He laughed. “I know and I love you for it.”
“I love you.”
“Good, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, yeah, bye.”
Hanging up the phone, she set it down and shook her head. The best thing would be for Baylor to just quit the NHL, but everyone knew she wouldn’t do so willingly. Which was scary. Just more shit to worry about, she figured as she let out another long breath. Baylor was more headstrong than Lucy was, so Lucy wouldn’t hold her breath on her leaving the NHL. They’d have to drag her out.
Picking up her folder for the MacKenzie job she was working on, she opened her laptop and got to work. It was her biggest job to date. A six-bedroom home that Jayden had gotten for her after he basically pimped her to all the guys on the Assassins. He was good like that, and she was excited, but MacKenzie’s wife, Michelle, was an idiot. She wanted to decorate the house the way a teenager would. Pink, glitter, and leopard were her wishes, and while Lucy thought Michelle was on something, she still took the job. She would tone it down, but she’d give the client what she wanted.
Because she needed the money.
She wasn’t struggling or anything, but she wanted to give Angie a good house. A big one with a huge yard and room for her play. She wanted to show Rick that she sure as hell didn’t need him. Yeah, he rubbed it in her face that he had a new house, but that was because his mom had bought it for him. He still bragged, though, and she couldn’t wait until the day she had everything she dreamed of. Because she had worked for it. To do that, though, she had to work and pay off her debt that she and Rick created during their short, hellish marriage. And because of that, she would put glitter on top of leopard if that meant she got paid. She just hoped that Michelle would like her ideas a little more. She had to keep her reputation, for God’s sake, and glitter on top of leopard for two twenty-five-year-olds was not going to do that.
Maybe she could pass it off as a teenager’s room on her webpage?
She didn’t get too far into orders before her phone rang once more.
“Gah,” she complained as she picked up her phone and saw it was her mother. Letting out an annoyed breath since she had so much to do, she knew she couldn’t ignore her mom. Not because she didn’t want to—she did—but because Autumn Sinclair would call back until she got ahold of her.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Honey! Guess what?” her mother cried out.
“What?” she groaned, not matching her mother’s excitement.
Her mother squealed, “River proposed! I’m getting married!”
Her heart stopped.
She knew she was supposed to smile. That she was supposed to be happy. Her mom was getting married! She was happy, and that’s all Lucy wanted for her after the nasty divorce from her sperm donor of a father. But in some weird, misery-loves-company way, Lucy liked that she and her mom were both single and lonely. Well, that was until Coach came around, but she’d never thought her mom would get married again.
Before her.
God, she was pathetic!
And an asshole. She was an asshole.
Letting her head fall to the table as she held back a groan, she closed her eyes tightly.
Wow. Could this week get any worse?
“I love this weather. It’s not cold but it’s not hot, and you need a coat, y’know?”
Talk.
Fucking talk.
Move your mouth.
You haven’t been laid in months.
Okay, years.
You need this!
She’s willing!
Jesus, you’re hopeless.
Looking away, Benji Paxton shook his head as the beautiful blonde eyed him with confusion lacing her blue eyes. She probably thought he was interested. Probably thought he wanted to go home with her. Hell, he needed to go home with her. It had been way too long and they were clicking. He was ignoring his friends just to talk to her, but something was holding him back.
She just wasn’t his type.
She was too much like her.
Like Ava.
Shaking his head, he looked back at her. “Sorry, you’re gorgeous, but I don’t want to lead you on. I’m hanging with my friends, so yeah, I wish you the best. Sorry.”
Of course, he was awkward about it. That was Benji, one big, awkward son of a bitch. The girl obviously meant no harm. She was nice and had a pretty face, but he couldn’t do it. It just didn’t seem right. Disrespectful almost to Ava’s name.
When he heard his buddy, Vaughn Johansson, the newly acquired forward for the Nashville Assassins, the NHL team Benji played for, laugh, he held back an eye roll as he tried to smile at the girl. But he looked more like he was in pain.
Twisting her face in confusion, she held up her palms up at him. “Whoa, I just wanted to know where you got your jacket so I can get it for my husband. Didn’t want to seem weird, started some small talk, but never mind,” she said before getting up and walking away.
Oh.
“Macy’s,” he called to her retreating back, feeling every bit the idiot he was. Wow, he misread that to the extreme. But, really, what was he thinking? Girls don’t pick up dudes in Chipotle. God, he was pathetic.
Sputtering with laughter, Vaughn leaned back in his chair as his big body shook with the hilarity of Benji’s mistake.
“Shut it, asshole,” Benji mumbled as he jerkily grabbed for his burrito. Well, wasn’t he the mayor of idiot city? Taking a huge bite while Vaughn continued to cackle at him, Benji sat there thinking this was getting old. One would think that by now he would have this female game down. But then, how could he, when he hadn’t had a real relationship since Ava died? A few little flings but nothing that was real. It was insane and something had to change; the only problem was he didn’t know how to change it.
He didn’t know how to get rid of the guilt.
And he was lonely.
Really fucking lonely.
“What made you think she was hitting on you?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. She had the eyes on her.”
“Yeah, the eyes on your coat,” Vaughn scoffed, his blue eyes blazing with amusement. “You’re such a dork.”
Making a face, Benji shook his head. “Why am I friends with you?”
Vaughn grinned widely, his false, white teeth shining in the light as he pointed to them. “Because you knocked all my teeth out when we were back in Jersey and you feel bad for it.”
Benji thought that over. It hadn’t been a good day when he shot from the blue line and Vaughn dropped down to block the puck. But the puck didn’t hit the pads on his body. Nope, it hit the front of his mouth. He was right, Benji felt like shit for a while, but that wasn’t why he was friends with him.
“Eh, no, that’s not it.”
“You heartless bastard,” he cried, and Benji smiled as Vaughn’s laughter filled the restaurant. When people started to stare at the large man who was laughing very hard, Benji looked down, his cheeks reddening. Vaughn was a big presence. At almost seven feet, it was easy to say he filled the room. He was just huge and scary and boisterous. He was very loud, and women loved him. Unlike Benji, Vaughn had no problems in the female department. But then, he hadn’t lost a wife.
Just then, Jordie Thomas dropped down into the chair in front of him before picking up his burrito and taking a huge bite. Around the bite, he asked, “What’d I miss?”
Vaughn tilted his head toward Benji. “Benji making a complete ass of himself.”
“Fuck off,” he complained as Jordie laughed.
“Let me guess, a girl talked to him and he froze?”
Vaughn grinned. “No, he accused her of wanting him, and all she wanted to know was where he got his coat.”
Jordie paused, looking over at Benji
. He shrugged back. “You told me to be confident.”
Jordie held his gaze, disbelief filling his brown eyes. Unlike when Benji had first met Jordie Thomas, when he was a recovering alcoholic who was twenty shades of fucked up, Jordie now had nothing but pure bliss in his eyes. He had a family, a beautiful wife, and an even more beautiful daughter. He was living the dream, still sober, and Benji was proud. It was hard being a recovering addict—he knew that firsthand—but Jordie kept beating the odds.
Benji totally took credit for it too.
If it weren’t for Benji being Jordie’s roommate on the road when the Assassins traveled to away games, Jordie could have faced temptation. He still did, but he never succumbed. That may be because he didn’t want to let down his wife and daughter too, but hey, Benji liked to believe he was a big part of Jordie’s sobriety.
Which was why Jordie was trying to help him with women.
Because, believe it or not, Benji was pathetic.
“I did, but shit, don’t just assume every girl is coming on to you.”
“She had the eyes!” Benji exclaimed in his defense.
“For the coat, which by the way, that is a snazzy coat,” Vaughn commented, and Benji let out a long, annoyed breath. But yeah, it was a nice coat. A pea coat, to be exact.
“Thanks, but I really thought she wanted me.”
When both of the guys shook their heads, Benji felt like a kid. Where the hell did his game go? He used to be smooth. Used to have all the girls chasing after him in school.
That is until Ava Donaldson moved to the little suburb in south Chicago where Benji had grown up.
She was gorgeous, long, flowing, blond hair and bright blue eyes. One look, that’s all it took, and he was in love. It was that simple. They dated all through middle school, stayed together after she developed a body that had Benji in knots, and stuck it out through senior year. And when it was time for them to graduate, Ava found out she was pregnant. Big shock. His family was worried and so was he, but then he was okay with it. He knew he wanted Ava for the rest of his life; he wanted kids, he loved her, so he married her and they were happy.
But being a young rookie in the big leagues, he soon fell to the lure of drinking when on the road with his boys. It wasn’t a big deal at first, but then it got worse. He had to drink all the time, and no matter how many times Ava tried to leave him, she never followed through. She stood beside him and loved him, even when he didn’t deserve it. She cared for their daughter and for him, and he’d wanted to do right by her, he did.
But he never got the chance.
One bad decision was all it took to take her and his beautiful Leary from him.
Swallowing hard around the lump in his throat, the ache of loss burned in his chest as he sat in the middle of the burrito place. He had hit rock bottom after he lost them, he even lost his spot on the Rangers—but somehow, he found his strength. He cleaned up. But in a way, he knew he would never be happy again. How could he? He lost his loves, his everything. And while it had been twelve years since everything had happened, nothing could ever cure the ache in his heart from the loss of them.
He truly believed he didn’t deserve to be happy and it was his fault they were gone. Yet, a part of him wanted to be happy. He wanted what Jordie had, but he wondered if maybe this was God’s punishment. Sobered up, but never able to have that happiness ever again. He took for granted what he had, fell victim to the temptation, and now he was alone.
It was sort of depressing and really deep to be thinking about at Chipotle with his buddies.
“I think you want to get laid so bad, you’re jumping the gun,” Vaughn said, stealing his attention.
“I’m fine,” Benji threw back at him. “I don’t know what happened.”
“Weirdo,” he accused, shaking his head. “Maybe you should hire an escort or something. Someone to knock your socks off and get your jitters out.”
Giving Vaughn a deadpan look, Benji shook his head. “I’m good. She just reminded me of Ava, and it fucked with my head or something.”
His go-to excuse.
Saying that caused an eerie silence to fall over the table. Benji was honest, told his buddies the truth about his late wife and daughter. It was sad and it sucked, but he owned up to his mistakes.
“You do that a lot, though, bro,” Jordie said slowly, and leave it to him to notice that. “And I get it, but, dude, you gotta stop using them as a crutch. You have to be happy.”
He was right. Problem was, Benji didn’t know how to do that.
It was scary, putting himself out there when, for so long, he had been alone. He didn’t know how to love anyone; he wasn’t even sure he could anymore. Maybe his heart had died with Ava and Leary. He wasn’t sure, but man, he wished he could try again. That he could figure out how to be normal around the opposite sex. It was easy with his buddies’ wives. Probably because the Assassins had the best wives in the league. All of them so sweet and inviting, but man, they meddled. All of them tried to hook him up with everyone they knew. He went out with whomever they fixed him up with, and every single time, he never got a call back. Even when he thought the date went great, they never called.
Maybe he was a bad date.
“Yeah, I don’t know,” Benji said slowly, feeling like a loser. “Maybe it won’t ever happen, you know? Maybe I’m meant to be alone.”
Vaughn grinned, his eyes flashing with laughter. “Which is fine. I mean, I love my single life, but, dude, you gotta get laid.”
He was right. Benji craved a woman like he did the smell of the ice, but it just never worked out. He wasn’t sure what he was doing wrong, or maybe he did.
“You gotta stop telling everyone your business. No one needs to know that you’re a sober widower. I mean, it’s on your eHarmony profile,” Jordie accused and Benji shot him a confused look.
“You looked at my profile?”
What a joke that profile was anyway. He did it just to get Jordie and his wife, Kasey, off his back. Usually, the girls who contacted him on there only wanted his money. He didn’t want that, for obvious reasons. Half the time, he didn’t even go on the site. He was still paying for the subscription, though.
He should cancel that.
Vaughn laughed as Jordie shrugged. Running his finger along his beard to clean off the burrito lingering behind, he pinned Benji with a look. “I had to. Kasey said her friend wanted to go out with you until she read it. You basically tell your whole life story. You got baggage, dude, which is cool. A girl out there won’t mind, but reel her in first and then unload the baggage. You can’t do it on the first date.”
“That’s not fair to them, though. I want to be honest,” he explained but they both weren’t satisfied with his logic. He thought he was being fair. He didn’t want someone getting involved with him and then finding out later that he was a sober guy who lost his family in a shitty car wreck he should have died in too.
“Whoa, what happened to just getting laid?” Vaughn gave them both a look and Jordie scoffed. “You don’t need to be honest to get laid, bro. It’s one night, not forever.”
“He wants a relationship, dude,” Jordie stressed, shaking his head. “But maybe you should just get some. Maybe it will help. Hell, I don’t know. We’ve been trying to get you laid for a year and it isn’t working.”
Giving them both a dry look, Benji glanced down at his half-eaten burrito. “You guys are too concerned with my love life.”
“Because you talk about it all the damn time,” Vaughn accused and Benji scrunched his face up.
“I do not!”
“Okay, maybe not all the time. But, dude, I’m going out, getting some ass, and instead of getting some ass, you go back home to watch Game of Thrones. It’s pathetic.”
Giving him a dull look, Benji held his chin high. “Um, I’ve moved on to Supernatural, thank you.”
“For fuck’s sake, again?” Jordie balked and Benji looked back down.
“What? It’s a good show.”
<
br /> “That won’t get you laid!” Vaughn roared, causing everyone to look at their table. Benji knew they were right. He needed to get out of the house, go out and meet people, but TV was easy. No one could judge him at home. It was him and the TV. No one to pity him. It was easy…but it was lonely. Very lonely.
“BP, what do you want, dude?” Jordie asked then, bringing his gaze up to Benji’s. “I mean, do you want to be with someone? Or are you cool with how life is going?”
He wasn’t and he didn’t have to answer for Jordie to know that. They had been friends for a long time now. They knew each other’s darkest secrets—the perks of both being addicts. If there were perks… But, whatever, Jordie knew Benji.
He knew Benji wanted to be happy again.
“I’m saying this as your friend. Stop using Ava and Leary as your reason for not putting yourself out there. I’m not saying to forget them, you couldn’t even if you tried, but you can’t keep using them the way you do. I really don’t think you realize how much you use them as a shield.”
Looking away, Benji sucked in a breath and let it out. He did know.
“If you want to be happy, if you want what all of us have——”
“Not me, I don’t have anyone ’cause I don’t want them,” Vaughn added and Jordie rolled his eyes.
“Anyway, then go get it, dude. You’re a good dude, any girl would be lucky to have you.”
“Wow, you sounded really gay there,” Vaughn mocked, but Jordie ignored him, holding Benji’s gaze.
“You know what I mean?”
And he did. It scared him, though.
