“Don’t do it. Don’t you dare press that nozzle!” cried Birdman.
Grinning the youth pressed it and sent a jet of red paint across the bronze plate and scrawled his tag.
“You have left me no choice,” boomed the voice of Birdman raising his arms to the sky. “Come to me my feathered brethren, here my call.”
“Excuse me,” said Agent One interrupting. “Can I have a word?”
“Of course.” boomed Birdman with his arms still aloft.
“You can stop shouting, Geoffrey.”
“Sorry.”
“Is summoning your flock safe?”
“It’s incredibly accurate.”
“I asked if it was safe.” remarked Agent One uneasily.
“Once I unleash the terrifying birds of prey there will be no stopping their assault. Who knows the damage they could do!”
“They’re pigeons, Geoffrey. They’re about as feral as a ham sandwich.”
“Do not underestimate the power of Columba livia, agent.”
Suddenly there was a tremendous flapping of wings from above and they looked up to see a black cloud swarming towards them.
"They’re coming," whispered Birdman.
"Have you ever seen that Alfred Hitchcock movie about a flock of birds that terrorize a small town in California?"
"It's my favorite movie."
"Well, it reminds me of that, but with flying rats."
"We may want to step away from the statue. This is about to get messy." said Birdman quickly moving away from Nelson's column.
"What the f**k is that?" gasped the youth, pausing and looking towards the heaving mass of feathers hurtling ever nearer.
"That looks like a lot of birds, Geoffrey." said Agent One skipping after him hurriedly.
"It is and they're just about ready to unload their cargo."
Then from up above there came a blanket of black and white bird excrement aiming towards the youth who was staring up at the sky in awe from the base of the statue.
"Here it comes." screeched Birdman gleefully.
"It's like a ballistic missile shit strike." gasped Agent One watching as the droppings soared with unnerving accuracy through the air. "How much poop is there exactly?"
"It's difficult to tell really," replied Birdman shrugging his shoulders. "A ton, maybe more but it's only pigeon droppings and weighs next to nothing."
Agent One watched almost mesmerized as the rain of guano flew closer and closer to the target. Then he paused and looked across to Birdman with a frown on his face.
"But still…it's a ton in weight. A ton is a ton, right?"
"I guess so."
"So it might actually hurt the frightened boy?"
"With gravitational acceleration and sheer mass I would say you're right, agent."
Agent One closed his eyes just at impact and winched when he heard the thunderous wet plop of the droppings as they connected with the ground. There was a yelp of pain from the youth and he heard the sound of the spray can hitting the concrete.
"Glorious." whispered Birdman clapping his hands together in delight as a couple of fat pigeons perched themselves on either shoulder.
Squeezing his eyes open slowly Agent One groaned and gazed at the devastation. Pigeon excrement covered the majority of Trafalgar Square in a thick slimy carpet of runny white and black crap. Pigeons had now landed on the ground and were cooing and chirping happily as they waddled amongst all the droppings barging into each other in a flurry of wings and dirty fluff. Looking up he saw that Nelson's column was covered head to toe in the stuff which dripped lazily from the statue to the ground below.
"It's just such a mess." moaned Agent One putting his hands on his head.
The youth with his baseball cap missing from his head lay prone on the ground with his body encrusted in excrement.
"He hasn’t been mummified has he?" asked Agent One stepping towards him then slipping on the slimed ground.
"Watch yourself agent, nasty stuff that."
Muttering under his breath the agent gingerly made his way over to the youth, shoving pigeons away with the tip of his boot as he did so.
He knelt down and wiped away some of the crap from the boy's face and leant in close.
"He's okay, he's breathing." said Agent One with a sigh of relief. "The impact must have just knocked him out cold."
Turning around he surveyed the carnage then looked over to Birdman who was grinning from ear-to-ear.
"This is just great. We've now caused significant damage to the very statue we were trying to protect, assaulted a minor and what the hell do we do about all this mess?"
"It really needs cleaning up," said Birdman knowingly. "Pigeon poo is incredibly corrosive."
"Excuse me?"
"Plus there are three major diseases associated with pigeon droppings, Histoplasmosis, Cryptococcosis and Psittacosis."
"Excellent, so now we're also dealing with a toxic spill and possible disease outbreak."
"Oh, how they've missed this place." said Birdman bending down to stroke the birds.
"What do you mean?"
"You don’t know?"
"Know what?" asked Agent One growing impatient.
"Trafalgar Square is a designated no-fly zone for pigeons and gulls and has been pigeon-free since 2008. The government introduced a bye-law criminalizing pigeon feeding in the area and gradually starved them out. It's good to see them back."
"So we've actually also broken the law and become criminals ourselves?"
"You could see it like that."
"Geoffrey, it's time to leave."
"Can't we stay a little while?" pleaded Birdman. "The sound of their cooing is so relaxing on the mind."
"I can't help thinking if their existence is really relevant." muttered Agent One in disgust.
"Careful agent, be very careful indeed. Pigeons are vengeful creatures."
12.
Grand theft auto on park lane
"Is this your first time out in the field, Captain Quantum?" asked Agent Two as they strolled leisurely down Park Lane.
"Yes, sir." replied the youth.
"Nervous?"
"A little sir, if I'm honest."
"I remember when I was a rookie like you," mused Agent Two. "I'm still learning even now."
"How long have you been on field duty, if you don't mind me asking, sir?"
"A few days now."
"Oh." said Captain Quantum.
"But you'll be fine under my tutorage. Sure you may look ridiculous in that incredibly tight blue spandex costume with that weird upside down fork emblem on your chest but…say, what is that anyway?"
"What?"
"That weird upside down fork emblem on your chest."
Captain Quantum looked down at his chest, then at the agent with a look of disbelief on his face.
"You don’t know what this emblem symbolizes, sir?"
"Of course I do," scoffed Agent Two, rolling his eyes theatrically. "I'm just trying to ease the tension for you, get rid of those nerves of yours."
"Thank you, I appreciate that, sir."
They carried on walking down the street in silence for a few moments then Agent Two cleared this throat.
"So, hypothetically assuming that I was someone who didn’t know what that weird upside down fork emblem on your chest means, what would you tell them if they asked you?"
"Well, assuming the person didn’t know sir, I would tell them it's the symbol for quantum mechanical wave-function."
"Oh, right." said Agent Two nodding his head knowingly.
They carried on walking down the street in silence for a few more moments then Agent Two cleared this throat again.
"So, hypothetically assuming that I was someone who didn’t know what quantum mechanical wave-function was, what would you tell them if they asked you?"
"Well, assuming the person didn’t know sir, I would tell them the mechanical wave-function in quantum mechanics describes the state of a particle and i
ts behavioral characteristics in the quantum realm at a given point of space and time scaled at atomic and subatomic length. Are you familiar with it?"
"Of course," answered Agent Two looking down at his clipboard in puzzlement. "I knew all that when I looked at your…erm…briefing notes. So what is your super power?"
"Does it not say that in my briefing notes, sir?" asked Captain Quantum.
"Yes, of course it does, I'm just relieving the tension I can feel you have, so just work with me a little rookie."
"Okay, sir. Well, I can teleport short distances. By thought alone I can transfer my body matter into energy and move it from one point to another."
"Really? Just how short is short distances?"
"Just one foot squared in any direction at any time."
"Oh…more like hopping then?" commented Agent Two sounding unimpressed.
"In the world of physics, a quantum is the absolute minimum amount of any physical entity involved in an interaction. So that's what I do, the absolute minimum."
"I'm sure quantum hopping will prove useful, rookie."
"Where are we, sir?"
"We're at City of Westminster, central London, just walking down Park Lane. We thought we'd start you off nice and easy and let you dip your toes in a 'safe-zone'. See, certain areas of London are just riddled with crime. Areas like Camden, Hammersmith, Fulham, Deptford, Hackney, Lambeth and Newham. You're the new generation of crime fighters and we didn’t want to scare you off at your first real taste of crime, so we thought we'd start you off in a wealthier area of London and see if we can spot any opportunists."
"Okay, sir." said Captain Quantum looking around with steely determination.
"The plan is, as part of your initiation I will stand back and watch you handle a crime if we encounter one. I want you to assess the crime, make an informed decision and act upon it. All I'm here to do if give you some direction if you need it. Just remember the basics."
"I'm confident I'll make the right decision, sir."
"Good, and remember we're here to help our fellow citizens as much as we are to combat crime."
"I'll remember that, sir."
They carried on strolling down the street goggling at all the supercars parked curbside on Park Lane. There was white Lamborghini's, cherry red Ferrari's, silver Aston Martin's, black Porsche's and Bentley's as far as the eyes could see.
"Should we take the number plates for the offences they have committed, sir?"
"It's not a crime to be rich, rookie." snorted Agent Two.
"No, but all these cars are parked on double-yellow lines and that's prohibited in the Road Traffic Act, isn’t it sir?"
Agent Two flicked a glance towards the ground then back up to the rookie.
"Yes, I noted that also. Very observant of you but we're here to combat crime not to marshal and enforce parking contraventions."
"I understand, sir."
Just up ahead Agent Two caught sight of a scruffily dressed young man knelt on the pavement at the driver's door of a jet-black Bugatti Veyron.
He kept looking over his shoulder nervously before quickly delving into his jacket and pulling out a long metal strip which he started to frantically shimmy down the window of the car.
"Wait!" whispered Agent Two grabbing a hold of Captain Quantum's shoulder. "See that man over there?"
"Yes."
"This is your moment to shine, rookie. I'll stand back a few paces, make notes and let you deal with it. Do you think you can handle it?"
"Yes, sir."
Captain Quantum straightened his shoulders and strode over to the man with the agent hanging around within earshot. As soon as the scruffy man saw the superhero bearing down on him he jumped up startled, did a quick double-take, then shoved the long metal strip quickly back into his jacket smiling innocently.
"Good afternoon, sir." said Captain Quantum planting his arms on his hips. "Is this your million pound vehicle?"
The man licked his lips nervously, glanced down at his ripped jacket, torn jeans and sandals then nodded his head.
"Yes, yes, this is my car. It's my Ferrari."
"It's a Bugatti Veyron."
"Silly me," said the man slapping his forehead. "I've got that many Italian supercars I keep forgetting which are which. I'm such a goof-ball sometimes."
"There's not much Italian in a French car owned by a German company." commented Captain Quantum suspiciously.
"Oh right!" said the man.
"I can see what's happening here?"
"Can you?" asked the man swallowing hard.
"Yes, you're clearly locked out of your own car and need some assistance to get back into the vehicle. Am I right?"
"Why yes you are," exclaimed the man smiling. "Please can you assist in me because I don’t know where I left the keys?"
"It would be my pleasure, citizen."
Agent Two coughed suddenly into his hand and the superhero looked over his shoulder.
"I got this covered, sir. Don't worry about me."
Suddenly Captain Quantum clicked his fingers and he vanished in a vacuum of air and re-appeared sat inside the Bugatti Veyron.
Agent Two wandered over and fixed the man with a stern look.
"You are not the owner of that car, are you?"
"Define ownership; it's so loosely used these days." said the man shrugging his shoulders.
Inside the vehicle Captain Quantum fiddled around with something for a moment then opened the door of the car and stepped out onto the pavement.
"There you go citizen, and I also took the liberty of disabling the alarm and immobilizer for you."
The scruffy man rubbed his hands together and lowered himself into the car.
"Can you find the key?" asked Captain Quantum leaning over the door and looking in.
"Just give me a moment." said the man with his head under the steering column as he pulled out all the wires.
A few seconds later the engine roared into life and the man pressed his foot onto the accelerator a couple of times with a wide grin on his face.
"It's almost like he's never sat in a million pound vehicle before." remarked Agent Two in mock surprise.
"I'll be seeing you then." said the man closing the door in a hurry.
They watched as the man stared down at the gearbox with a mystified look on his face then glanced up at his watching spectators. Stepping forward Agent Two tapped on the window and after a second the man lowered it down.
"You put it in either automatic mode or full manual through the paddle shifters." said Agent Two.
"I knew that. Not used to these paddle-shifty things."
"Safe driving." said Captain Quantum.
The man looked over his shoulder then into the rear-view mirror before edging away slowly from the curb. He jerked the car forward, then paused and jerked it forward once again, before careering off down the road in a squeal of tires and smoke.
"He sure was in a hurry to get away." murmured the superhero.
Agent Two rubbed his eyes, shook his head and wrote something down on the clipboard in short sharp strokes.
"Is something the matter, sir?"
"You do know you just aided and abetted a car thief, don't you?"
"Of course I did."
"Really? Because from where I was stood it looked like you opened the car door for him, took out the alarm and immobilizer, and just let him drive off with the vehicle."
"What you didn’t know sir, was that I attached a global positioning system tracking device inside the car and GPS from the Ex-Men is tracking that vehicle as we speak. The way I look at it is, that it's such a high value car that surely the car thief must be working for a bigger organization. What's the point in just catching the one man when we can follow him back to where he goes and bring the entire organization down in one swoop? Did I do the right thing, sir?"
"That's exactly what I would have done, rookie." said Agent Two.
13.
Brixton hoods versus Peckham
boys
The tall, thin youth in the hoodie strutted up with a confident swagger, his dark eyes fixed up ahead at the rival gang lined up at the corner of the newsagents with the boarded-up windows.
Following behind him were twenty fellow gang members of the Brixton Hoods, trading insults and waving their baseballs bats, knives and clubs at the waiting mob who roared back in defiance. Pausing a few feet away the youth raised his right arm into the air and seeing the command his crew stopped and stood facing the Peckham Boys, shouting obscenities and hurling wads of phlegm into their ranks as they squared up to one another.
Another youth, wearing a cap perched side-ways on his head with a thick gold chain around his tattooed neck pushed and shoved his way to the front of the Peckham Boys and stood before the hooded boy nose-to-nose and unflinching.
“You’re on my turf, bitch!” shouted the hooded youth clenching his fists. "Why you up in my ends messin’ in my biznezz finkin’ you all bad?”
“Bitch, this is my district your mama gave it to me over dinner last night.” spat the cap wearing gang leader.
“Fool, my mama would shank your sorry ass. Ain’t that right mama?” he said looking around over his shoulder.
“I’d cut him real good, Jamal.” shrieked an old woman’s voice from the back holding a broken piece of glass with a wrapped towel for a handle.
“Thanks mama.” said Jamal tapping his heart with a clenched fist.
“Is yo mama at the back coz’ she so fat and needs a head-start to run away, bitch?”
There were gasps of shock from the Brixton Hoods and the hooded youth raised his hands to silence them.
“Did you just diss’ my mama?” he whispered icily. “Oh no you di-int, because my mama raise no punk ass bee-atch. If dat’s what’s goin’ down here then we got a problem, fool.”
“Bring it on, battle me rite now.” said the leader of the Peckham Boys spreading his arms.
Jamal narrowed his eyes menacingly and a hush fell over both rival gangs as they waited for the contest to start. After a few moments he looked around at his fellow Brixton Hoods who nodded their heads in encouragement at him before he turned back to face his adversary.
Society of Heroes with Indeterminate Talent Page 8
