I was taken aback by her statement. I asked, “What can I do to make life easier for you?” Yet while trying to comfort her, I really had no clue as to how to make things easier unless we hired a nanny to help out; and with our unique family arrangement that would be difficult to say the least. However, I reasoned that I had to do something or else I was going to get more of her tantrums.
That evening I volunteered to make dinner for everyone. Nicole appreciated the gesture and even came in to help me cut up some meat. For some reason I had a flashback to an event in high school and asked her, “Hey Nicole, remember Frank Reid?” Nicole giggled a bit and stopped cutting. She took a reflective tone to her voice and said, “Wow, Melanie, do you realize that it has been almost ten years since we killed that monster? It seems so long ago.” I nodded my head in agreement. I reflected on how time had shaped events – Reid was probably no more than a distant memory to whatever family he might have had, Mark was dead…Daniel was dead…yet here we were, both married to Mark’s brother and raising seven kids together. It was so odd to contemplate, a relationship that formed cleaning off blood of human victims together and evolved to cleaning clothes, and fixing meals. While still in my thoughts Magdalena woke up and Nicole, in a sweet tone far removed from the incident earlier in the day, volunteered to finish dinner so I could go feed her.
As I sat there with my daughter I marveled at life and what this little girl’s future would be. I would help her have a happy childhood and excel in all aspects of life. I then thought about the fact that soon the decision would have to be made about her brother and sisters – should we teach them at home or not? I would talk with Nicole about that, but I felt I should wait.
Just then I received a phone call from Dr. Hodge. I held Magdalena as he spoke, “I hope you are doing well Melanie. I was wondering if I could drop by your house tomorrow.” I responded, “You can drop in anytime. Is anything wrong?” He laughed, “Absolutely not! I have a proposition to run by you.” I figured it had to do with a legislative assignment or something. I would see soon enough.
I liked my position and I absolutely loved the debates and public platform my elected office provided me. Yet most of the time I had to deal with tedious committee work, boring budget details and office tasks. I had a couple of aides Dr. Hodge had suggested, so at least they could read the exhausting, mind-numbing pieces of legislation that I had little interest in. And while I had expected a certain amount of celebrity status with my office, people rarely recognized me when I went out shopping; although I was burdened with the worry that the wrong person would know who I was and spot me doing something I did not want the public aware of. I felt cheated of my freedom without the compensation of status.
That evening the children went to sleep early. It was still hot so Nicole opened up the windows and sat together watching TV in the living room. Nicole snuggled up to me and said, “I’m sorry for getting mad at you earlier today. Maybe now that all the kids are asleep we could both get more comfortable.” As the evening progressed I was left with no doubts in my mind that our relationship would endure anything! It was her and I forever…oh, and Matt as well.
The next morning I helped Nicole clean up the house before Dr. Hodge’s arrival. I also made sure the children were fed – actually I wished I had more time to do this for them. At least the legislature was not in session this year and I only had to travel to Salem occasionally. While I was getting ready I decided to give Magdalena a feeding so that I could concentrate on whatever Dr. Hodge wanted to discuss. When I opened the door to the bedroom I noticed Nicole was sitting on the bed and rocking the baby. She had not noticed me looking and so I observed this moment of tenderness as she cuddled my baby in her arms. I smiled and entered the room, “Hey there my darling. I see you and Magdalena are spending some time together.”
Nicole smiled as she gazed on her, “Melanie, my youngest is so big now compared to her. I have to admit something to you – yesterday I lied. Well, maybe not exactly…I was sort of relieved I was not pregnant last month, but I was also sad that I wasn’t.” I placed my arm around her and said nothing. Nicole continued, “I admit I am stressed out a lot of the time, but I would like another baby. I guess what I am saying is that if I got a little more help with things I…well…I would go for it!”
I asked, in a playful manner, “I thought you said your vision was that you would have three daughters.” She leaned her head against mine as she continued to cradle my baby, “Come on Melanie, my vision was to have three girls, but it doesn’t mean that was all.” I thought the idea was great! Matt was an excellent father in all respects; health, intellect, and was a wonderful man. Yet what hit me, out of the blue, was the realization that I, the ultimate lone wolf, the alpha female, the…rugged individualist, yearned to be merged into this ever-expanding family. My identity seemed more tied to my lovers, my children and to Nicole’s children that anything else. It was one of those epiphany moments – so much so that I suddenly blurted out, “I think your idea is fantastic! Maybe if you can wait just a few months we can both try to get pregnant at the same time and totally share in the experience.”
Nicole laughed, “Well, Melanie, I thought you were opposed to any group sex.” I rolled my eyes and moved away from her in a teasing manner, “I did not mean it that way and you know it!” Nicole laughed and then shocked me a bit, “We could always give it a try. I mean…” I interrupted her, “Come on Nicole, you know how I feel about that. When I am with you I want to be with you – when I am with Matt…” She cut in, “Okay, I get your point. I won’t tease you about it, for now that is.”
In a short while Dr. Hodge rang the doorbell. Nicole let him in and he greeted her with a hug. I noticed he was wearing a tie, which meant something official was up, he was that predictable and so I was mentally prepared for business. He then greeted me, “Hello there Senator Lindberg, you look absolutely radiant today…as does Nicole. I hope the new baby is not keeping you awake at night.” I had to admire Dr. Hodge for his tolerant attitude towards Nicole and me. After all, he was opposed to gay marriage, but knew all about our arrangement and showed no discomfort.
After the small talk, and the obligatory seeing the baby and giving some candy to the other kids, he asked, “May I speak with you privately?” I hated not knowing what was going on and was anxious to find out what secret he was keeping from me. When we shut the door to the study we sat down on the couch together. As was his custom he just cut to the chase, “Melanie, the Republican Party leaders have asked me to talk to you. You are not to divulge this to anyone but…Congressman Stevens, who represents your district, is not going to be able to run for re-election.” I asked why and he continued, “Okay, I will be blunt. The official story will be that he has been diagnosed with cancer, but the truth is that he has complications associated with an HIV infection.” I was rather surprised as he had such a conservative reputation.
“Melanie, Stevens was elected on a fluke, it was a great year for Republicans and he made it, despite this being a somewhat liberal district. What I am getting at is that the party wants you to run for his seat!”
I was shocked, and yet flattered. I asked, “Why me? Does the party think I can win?” Dr. Hodge admitted, “No, they think the seat will go back to the Democrats. However, you are not up for re-election next year and the leadership thinks that even if you lose you will gain more exposure and maybe, no probably, will be able to run for higher office in a few years.” I asked, “Once I am older?” He nodded.
He continued, “Melanie, from one conservative to another, your voting record is outstanding and your speeches are fantastic – you have a gift. However, to make it in Oregon politics the party thinks you need to branch out and establish some less right-wing positions.” I took offense a bit, “What, they want me to come out in favor of abortion? Oh wait, maybe they want me to leave Matt and get officially married to Nicole, is that what they want?” Dr. Hodge laughed, “You know, I bet there are some who might just advise yo
u to do that since they want to win at all cost. However, what I thought is maybe find some issues that will please more of the feminist crowd. They might not be persuaded to vote for you, but they might not work so hard against you then.” We talked about logistics, polls, and the like and I said I would consider his proposal, and get back to him in a few days. He thanked me and once he left Nicole asked what he had brought up.
I shared with Nicole the proposition. I wondered how she would react and it did not take long to find out her feelings. She sat down and just stared at her hands in silence. I asked, “What is it?” but she merely said, “Nothing, nothing at all. I am really happy for you. I know you have a destiny and I would never hold you back from that. Maybe my dream of us all being together, having a bunch more kids and the like is just that…a dream. Just forget what I mentioned earlier, okay.” I was not prepared for that negative of a reaction. I immediately responded, “Come on Nicole, he even admitted I have no chance of winning.” She responded, “What if you do? If you do win you will be off in Washington, D.C., not Salem. Matt is gone half the time in Japan – so that leaves what, me here with all the kids and no help, and nobody to be with?” I tried to defuse the situation yet what I said did not go over well, “Nicole, maybe if I was elected the income would allow us to hire a full time nanny for the kids, how would that be?”
Nicole sighed and looked away from me, “Melanie, so what…we have kids so someone else will raise them? Is that what we are supposed to do?” I could not figure out the right thing to say. As much as the idea was intriguing to me I did not want to jeopardize my family. Maybe Nicole might change her mind, but at that moment I said, “Nicole, I understand. I think I will tell Dr. Hodge I am not interested.” Nicole then screamed, “Then what, blame me for the rest of our lives that you missed out on winning a congressional seat? No! We can manage, no I mean I can manage; you don’t dare turn him down!”
I appreciated the positive side of her half-hearted endorsement, but I was left unsure about what to do. We did not talk about it for the rest of the day but Nicole was more withdrawn than usual. I suggested, “You want to grill some meat outside? We could have a picnic in the back yard my love.” She liked the idea a lot and so later we had a fun time cooking hamburgers, eating ice cream and just enjoying the hot August day as a family. Then, when the children were all playing by the swings, and the baby was asleep, Nicole, in a melancholy sort of way, said, “I wish this could be our lives each and every day – sad that dreams don’t always come true.” I again found myself not knowing what to say. I tried to respond, “Nicole, who says it can’t be like this?” She leaned over, pulled up a little weed, and said, “Whatever.”
Once the kids were in bed I commented to Nicole that her birthday was coming up soon and I asked what she might like to have. She said, “I haven’t given it much thought and I don’t have time to think about it right now.” She went into the laundry room and I followed her. As she was putting things in the wash I reached down, grabbed her hand and pulled her up towards me. I kissed her on the cheek and whispered in her ear, “I love you Nicole. We can put the clothes away later. Can we now just go sit in the yard and look at the sunset?” She put her arms around me in a tight embrace and then took my hand and we went outside. There was a bright, orange glow to the sky and a soft summer breeze. As we lay on the blanket that was still rolled out on the grass, Nicole kissed me gently on the lips and said she really did appreciate me and then, a few moments later, she fell asleep next to me.
I quietly got up and snuck into the laundry room to get some cleaning accomplished. Afterwards, I checked on Nicole, she was totally passed out. With the moonlight on her face I marveled at the concept of love. For some reason, once I returned to Nicole and Matt from the kidnapping, I had felt a bond with both that transcended any feeling I had experienced previously. Yes, I even felt their pain and sorrows. I guess I had connected to empathy in a way. Yet that feeling only hit me when I was with them. For some reason, if I was away it was as if they did not exist. I guess I had not changed much. Maybe I was emotionally stunted from my childhood, yet how could I tell since I did not know emotionally how others really felt? Maybe they were like me, but just better at pretending.
Speaking of my childhood; as I sat down at the computer, reflecting over Dr. Hodge’s suggestion that I try to find an issue to build my connections to feminists, I noticed that I had not answered my father’s last email for a week. Yes, we had established contact, but no, I was not prepared to see him. I had not forgiven him for the emotional scars he left on me, but I had tried to get to know him better. He lived in England and was divorced. He asked if I could visit in the future and bring the grandkids, but I avoided any commitment. He did not deserve – not yet – total reconciliation. For now, he would have to be satisfied with correspondence.
As for feminist issues I looked around at web sites trying to find something to interest me. Then, I ran across an article on sex trafficking. I read a story of a young Moldavian woman tricked into being a sex slave after she answered an ad promising jobs as models in Canada. The article made my blood boil with contempt that such things happened in the world, but received such scant coverage. I looked up several other articles. Not even remembering Nicole was still outside I read them and then wrote off an angry guest column to the local newspaper condemning sex slavery and pledging that I would use my legislative efforts to combat it. I had found my feminist issue!
Without hesitation, I sent it off. Then I went outside to wake Nicole and tell her about what I had been doing. Hoping she would be interested I was disappointed when she woke up enough to ask, “Can you tell me about it later? I just want to go to bed right now.” I still wanted to share with someone so once Nicole fell asleep I got up, logged onto Skype, and found, to my pleasure, Matt was on. We talked, and I told him of my new issue to which he was really interested. I sent him a copy of my column and he said, “That looks great! Melanie, my break is almost over so I have to run off to a meeting but I am looking forward to getting home and having vacation.” We exchanged messages of love to one another and I went off to bed. It was really late so I woke the baby and fed her before totally passing out.
The next morning I woke up and decided it was time to get back into running. I had been biking soon after the baby was born, but I wanted my body to be totally healed before resuming high impact aerobics again; besides I might have been blessed with a wonderful body, one that did not testify to having given birth to four children, but I had about five pounds I wanted to erase from the pregnancy. I put on my running shorts and sports bra and was extremely pleased that I could still fit into them so well. Just as I went down the stairs I noticed Nicole as getting ready to go for a walk. I offered to wait for her to return before going out. I also mentioned, “When Matt’s on vacation you and I should go out together like we did before we started having babies.” I initially thought she was joking when she asked, “That sounds like a lot of fun. You wouldn’t by any chance entertain the idea of going back to a more butch look again, would you?” I laughed, “Well, winter is coming so I could wear slacks and skip sleeveless blouses to hide the hair.” I expected her to laugh as well but instead she only replied, “Sounds great!” and then went out for her walk.
As I waited for her return I sat on the couch while the kids played and began to reflect on the past couple of days. While I really yearned for running for the congressional seat I was fairly certain I was going to turn down the offer. I would love the status and influence, but I enjoyed my current life and did not want to jeopardize it. Sometimes, however, fate can push us in unexpected directions.
Chapter 2
While Nicole was out I started getting breakfast ready for the children. Today the kids were in a sour mood, maybe the hot weather had kept them from having a restful sleep, but no matter, I had to put some effort into getting everything arranged. I was frustrated with their lack of concentration on the meal I had made, as well as the griping about, “I do
n’t like this. I want something else.” I did not let their complaints bother me too much though.
However, to my surprise there soon was food all over the floor, children laughing and I found myself amused at the situation as well. It was my misfortune that Nicole arrived home, breathing heavily and drenched in sweat to see the kitchen a total disaster area. I started cleaning but Nicole commanded, “Melanie! Can you just go get your run completed? While you are gone I will try to instill in these kids some basic manners that even at their age they should follow.” I was about to say something but she looked at me sternly and so I took that as my cue to exit.
I had missed my running and set my goal as three miles for starters. Yet within minutes I realized I should have fed Magdalena before leaving as I had overlooked the extra weight in my breasts. I tried to ignore the discomfort as well as my aching legs. I was determined to finish and I did not disappoint myself; after all, this was nothing compared to my experiences with Vincent.
When I returned home I noticed how clean the kitchen was. The children were all dressed and playing in the back yard, and Nicole came into the kitchen with a piece of paper, “Melanie, I made up some goals for things that have to be done around the house while Matt is on vacation. So I think we will be busy today.” I had not expected to start working around the house, but in the interest of avoiding an argument I agreed. I did ask, “Have you remembered that Matt’s birthday is only four days away?” She sighed, “That’s right. Maybe I should call my mother and see if she can watch the kids tomorrow so we can get him something.”
Descent Into Darkness Page 2
