“She looks so much like you. I can’t get over it.”
It was the truth, but in the moment, Kellan wondered if Ashleigh’s statement was just a use of the cliché, or if that was how she really felt.
“I bet that’s why her husband couldn’t take you being there,” Ashleigh said. “I’d be shocked if that kid got any of his genes.”
“Trust me, it would be a blessing if she didn’t.”
There was silence as Ashleigh stared out the window, and Kellan wanted to know what she was thinking. But she was too scared to push any further than they’d already gone. When Ashleigh looked over, her expression was serious and pained.
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”
If that wasn’t the million-dollar question. Kellan knew her reasoning and she believed in it still, even in light of how things were unraveling. She licked her lips and spoke directly from the heart.
“I wanted to. I hope you know that. Even though I’ve always thought about it as simply a medical procedure, it is something that crosses my mind often. Not because I have regrets or wanted more involvement or anything like that.” She wiped her hands against her jeans. “Mostly because I missed Dara so much. Our friendship was so important to me. You were the first person I ever really wanted to talk to about it. It actually hurt to keep it in.”
“But then—”
“It’s all so linked together. I told you about Dara, or what I could, anyway,” she said even though she knew she’d downplayed it. Her stomach turned from both hunger and stress. “The rest of it, the Zoey part…” She stared out the window, knowing full well her future hinged on her explanation. “I fundamentally believe it’s not my story to tell.”
“But it was your body. Your DNA out in the world. How is that not your business?”
“I hadn’t talked to Dara in years. I didn’t have a clue what she’d shared with people.” Kellan felt her anxiety skyrocket. “I mean, knowing her like I did, I thought she’d probably be the kind of person who’d tell it like it is. Be open that she used a donor and all that. But Ronnie was so freaked out by it. And I never really asked Dara what her intentions were. Honestly, it was none of my business. Those were their choices to make.”
“She obviously knows, though. Zoey is literally the one who saw you first. I mean, you heard her. She picked you out of the crowd. It seems she knows all about you.”
“I know.” Kellan had been fixated on the same piece of information since yesterday. She saw a seagull coast into the distance and wondered how far away the water was. “Ash, I didn’t know that until yesterday. I swear to you.”
Ashleigh nodded, and Kellan wondered if she believed her and if it made a difference at all. She could feel her chest tighten, and she just wanted to know that everything was going to be okay. That this was just a hiccup. She reached over and touched Ashleigh’s thigh gently.
“Tell me this doesn’t end us.” It wasn’t a question so much as a plea, and she heard her voice crack with doubt. Ashleigh covered her hand and the contact soothed her.
“I don’t know.” She watched Ashleigh lean her head all the way back and cover her eyes. Kellan was sure she was crying, but she didn’t know how to fix it. There was no undoing the past. Not the decision she’d made fourteen years ago, nor the way she’d elected to handle that information presently. “It’s a lot to think about,” Ashleigh said. “Right now I’m just trying to get through today.”
Kellan agreed with a subtle nod, even though she didn’t really know what that meant.
“Do you want coffee or anything?” Ashleigh’s voice was flat as she pointed to Starbucks at the end of the strip of stores. “I know I rushed us out this morning. I’m sure you’re starving.”
For the first time in forever, Kellan couldn’t even think about putting anything in her stomach. Her head was beginning to pound, and the lack of caffeine was probably a contributing factor, but even coffee had no appeal.
“No,” she managed. She wanted to say more, to beg for Ashleigh’s understanding, her support, her love. But the emptiness inside told her there were no words that would make a difference. She stayed quiet as Ashleigh pressed the ignition and pulled back out onto the parkway.
* * *
Three days into their hiatus, and Kellan was going crazy.
Ashleigh had asked for time. To think, to deal, to adjust. To be honest, she wasn’t really sure what Ashleigh was doing during the separation. All she knew was seventy-two hours with zero contact felt like a lifetime. She’d run more miles than she’d thought possible and had countless therapy sessions with Blue. And even though he was generous with the snuggles, he didn’t seem to have any real advice.
Today she was even finding it difficult to focus on her scheduled meetup with Dara and Zoey. After Dara texted on Monday following the wedding, they locked in a plan for a casual lunch at one of the local eateries in the park next to her apartment. She checked her phone, telling herself she was curious how much time there was before they arrived, but she knew she was really looking to see if Ashleigh had texted. No such luck. Her stomach twisted into a knot, but she didn’t have time to wallow. The apartment intercom system chirped and Sanjay’s voice came through announcing her visitors.
“I’ll be right down,” she said.
Anticipation of this meeting had been building in the days since the wedding, but if she let herself really think about it, she’d been waiting for it for way longer, and Kellan owed it to all of them to be mentally present. But her head was in shambles, her heart on the verge of breaking. Dara might understand why she was distracted if she knew the details. She was an adult, and someone who once upon a time knew her better than anyone else in the world. But Zoey was a different story. First impressions afforded no do-overs, and thirteen-year-old girls were a notoriously tough crowd. She bounced up and down on her toes and shook out her entire body. She needed to bring it.
“Hey, guys,” she said, waving from the elevator bank as she strode toward them.
Dara immediately pulled her into a bear hug and Kellan clutched her tightly. She felt Zoey’s arms around her back and adjusted her embrace to include her. It was such a simple, small action, but in that instant she felt twelve years of ice completely melt away, and when she pulled pack, it was obvious she wasn’t the only one overwhelmed with emotion.
Dara wiped at her eyes. “It has been too long.”
“I know.” She turned to Zoey. “And you. I haven’t seen you since you were a baby.” She almost rolled her eyes at how old she sounded.
“Mom talks about you all the time. She says I’m just like you.”
“Is that right?” She stole a look at Dara who answered with a shrug.
“You’re an important person in our lives. Whether we see you or not.” Dara took her arm, and she guided them through the lobby and into the park.
Kellan felt the emergence of her first smile in days. “Let’s see what we can do to fix that.”
Over burgers and milkshakes she learned that Zoey was into photography and played lacrosse. She loved music, but Kellan wasn’t familiar with too many of the bands she named. She tried to keep a mental list to look them up later. Zoey bragged that math was her favorite subject, and Kellan kept her composure, even when her first thought went to Ashleigh. When it was her turn to talk, she told them of her plan to work at her parents’ resort in Colorado and her Brooklyn summer gig babysitting Blue. She supplemented her story with pictures of the cat and the promise to introduce them when they headed back.
No one seemed in a rush to leave as they relaxed at their outdoor table, nursing their shakes. After a while Zoey left to wander the park, within viewable distance, swinging on a tire swing and taking pics of the scenery. Instinctively, Kellan kept watch along with Dara.
“How is Ronnie with her?” she asked.
“He calls on her birthday. And Christmas.” Dara toyed with the edge of her hamburger bun. “Sends her over-the-top gifts, of course.”
“
Fuck, really? He doesn’t even see her?” She knew Ronnie was a selfish jerk, but this seemed a new low even for him. “What happened to wanting a family so bad?”
Dara swallowed a snide laugh. “He has two boys with his new wife. They live up in Yonkers. It’s not very far from here, but truthfully Zoey doesn’t even ask to see him that much.”
“I’m sorry, Dara. That sucks.”
“You’re sweet.” Dara’s smile was genuine. “We’re better off without him.” She rested her chin in the palm of her hand. “Zoey is a great kid. I’m lucky.” Her eyes held an unspeakable gratitude, and Kellan was moved by the sentiment.
“Does he at least send child support?” she asked.
“He does. Ronnie was always good with money. Parenting, basic communication skills, genuine feelings on the other hand…eh, not so much. But money, he had that shit locked down.”
Kellan felt the significance of the statement in her gut. Dara reached over and touched her forearm. “Kellan, I’m sorry. That was insensitive.” She shook her head and licked her lips. “I was so excited to see you that I forgot all about that.” Dara made real eye contact and Kellan saw the spirit and kindness she had missed for so many years. She didn’t need her to continue, but Dara did anyway. “You have to believe me. I didn’t know about the money. What Ronnie offered you to go away. I swear I would have left him right then.” She let out a sigh, seeming frustrated. “I wish I had known. In retrospect, it would have saved us both a lot of time. I didn’t find out until years later when we were finally getting divorced and he tried to throw it in my face.” She shook her head. “At the time, when I stopped hearing from you, I thought, I don’t know, maybe all this”—she gestured to Zoey in the distance—“was too much. Then when I realized what had really happened, I tried to find you. Which is a remarkably difficult task. The Army was useless, no surprise. And you’re not on any social media.” A small laugh escaped her. “How does one even exist like that?”
“I do everything through incognito mode and backdoor channels.” She winked.
“You were always so savvy at the tech stuff.”
“That’s my intel background at work.” Kellan smiled. “Don’t knock the Army. It wasn’t all bad.”
“Brought us together.” Her smile was magnetic and Kellan felt herself respond in kind. “I missed you, kid,” Dara said. “Don’t go leaving me again.”
“I actually had plans to stay.” Kellan rubbed a knot in the wooden picnic table, hoping the rough texture would provide even one second of distraction from the pain she felt in her chest. “Now…I don’t know.” She looked up at the sky but failed to come up with the right words to continue.
“Trouble in paradise?” Without waiting for an answer, Dara continued. “I could sense something brewing between you and your girlfriend at the wedding. What’s her name?”
“Ashleigh.”
“Ashleigh. Right,” she said, seeming to commit it to memory. “You don’t have to tell me the details if you don’t want to. But I already know it has everything to do with me and Zoey.” Dara stood and extended her hand to help Kellan up. “A dozen years may have passed, but you’re still you and I’m still me. Let’s walk. We’ll put the two halves of our shared brain together and have this romance back on track in no time.”
Chapter Twenty-four
The knock on the door was so faint, Ashleigh wasn’t sure if it was her imagination or not, but she tiptoed past Granny dozing on the living room couch just to make sure she wasn’t losing her mind completely.
She looked through the window and felt a knot in the pit in her stomach at the sight of Kellan facing the street, her perfect square fingertips kneading the base of her buzzed hairline. Ashleigh had avoided her all week, coming up with excuses when Kellan suggested they talk and repeatedly texting to ask for more time. In her heart she knew they needed to have this conversation. Her stall tactics were simply prolonging the inevitable.
“Hi,” she said, opening the door and stepping out onto the top step of her parents’ stoop.
Kellan turned around at the sound of her voice. “Hey. Hi.” She looked stressed and sad, worry lines exaggerated by exhaustion, Ashleigh assumed. “I’m sorry to just show up with no warning. I just…I thought you’d tell me not to come if I asked.”
Ashleigh took a step forward and held her waist, touching her forehead to the center of Kellan’s chest in a kind of embrace. “You’re probably right.” She looked up into her gorgeous green eyes, but it was too painful to let her stare linger. “Come. Sit,” she said, gently guiding them to the steps.
They were silent for a minute, the raucous sounds of summer spilling over from Prospect Park a block away. Ashleigh’s mind went back to the day not so long ago when they’d walked along the edge of the park and professed their feelings. Tumbling in behind that image were memories of holding hands as they debated art, laughing as they explored lower Manhattan, flirting over the best coffee on the planet.
“Do you remember the day we went to Central Park?” Ashleigh asked.
“Of course. It was the first day we spent together.”
Kellan was seated a step below her, and Ashleigh rubbed her strong shoulders just to feel them one last time. “You insisted on getting a hot dog.” She shook her head in spite of her smile. “You were, like, backpedaling to the vendor with this huge grin, and I thought, Holy Christ, how am I going to spend every day with this person? I was already so far gone. And it was day one.”
“You could have fooled me.” Kellan pressed her body against her bare calf.
“I couldn’t let you know I was falling from the get-go.” Ashleigh nudged her with her leg. She still loved how Kellan made it so easy to say exactly what was on her mind. “Where’s the fun in that?” She heard the strain in her small chuckle, but it was nice to see Kellan’s soft smile at her banter.
“Ash, I’m sorry. About everything. I didn’t know how to tell you,” Kellan said. “Or if I even should. And then with everything that happened between you and me, plus coping with the Dara situation, it was a lot at once. I messed everything up.”
“You didn’t.” Ashleigh looked across the street at the neighbor’s house, remembering Kellan’s scheduled lunch plan with Dara and Zoey. She knew she needed to ask, no matter how hard it was to accept. She did her best to keep her voice steady. “How was lunch the other day? Did you all have a nice time?”
“Yes.” Kellan looked down, seeming unsure of how much detail to provide. “In time everything would have come out. I just needed to see what the deal was first. Please understand that.”
It felt like Kellan was seeking forgiveness, but Ashleigh knew it wasn’t hers to give. “You don’t have to apologize,” she said. “I get your reasoning. Honest. The brain part of me does, anyway.” She swallowed hard, knowing the hardest words were ahead of her. “I’ve been wrestling with this all week. What you did for Dara, the gift you gave her, it was selfless and noble. It was everything you really are. Living proof of the very things that make you such an amazing human being, right there.”
She felt her throat scratch and knew the tears were only seconds behind, but she forced herself to continue. “Dara and Zoey—even though you hadn’t seen them until the other day, I can’t help thinking that whole experience must have shaped so much of your life.” She wiped away the first tear before it fell. “What you did for your friend, for her family…you changed their lives forever. It can’t have been an easy decision. It had to have an impact on who you are. On your life.”
“I mean, yes. Of course.” Kellan looked at her, but her expression said she wasn’t following her train of thought.
“What I keep coming back to is you didn’t want to tell me. Whatever you were feeling, I wasn’t important enough to share it with. Which is completely your choice—”
“It wasn’t like that,” Kellan pleaded.
“It’s okay. Look, I know I was fired up the other day in the car coming home.” She fought past the awkwardness of
her knee-jerk reaction. “The truth of the matter is I’m not mad.” What she felt was overwhelming sorrow at the imbalance of their feelings. The disparity was glaring in light of the things they’d each chosen to share and keep hidden. “I’m just sad because what I thought this was…” She stopped to try to collect herself, but it was no use. Her composure was cracking. Her voice shook as she waved between them. “I’m realizing now it wasn’t.”
“How can you say that?”
“I can hear in your voice that you think I’m put off or angry. But that’s not it. I swear.” In her heart she felt the tiny fissures starting, the first cracks before it ultimately shattered into pieces. Without even thinking about it, she rubbed Kellan’s back, needing the contact for her own comfort. “It’s just that I confided so much in you. My marriage, my divorce, how small I feel around Reagan and Josh. I can’t help thinking you were going through some massive drama too. Being here. So close to Dara and Zoey and not seeing them. It must have been eating away at you. And you didn’t want to share it with me, or talk to me about it, or let me help you. Even if I didn’t have answers, I would have listened.”
“It’s not like you’re making it sound. It wasn’t on my mind all the time.”
“But you are in Brooklyn. And you knew Dara was here too. You must have been feeling something. I mean obviously you were. Your mom knew. Your aunt knew.”
“They don’t know. They think they know something. But they’re wrong. They don’t have a clue about Zoey. I never told anyone.”
“That’s not really the point.”
“But it is the point.” Kellan clenched her jaw, and Ashleigh hated to see her upset and clearly fighting hard to hold it together. “You are the only one I ever even considered confiding in.”
“I guess that should make me feel better, but my heart just hurts, and I don’t think words can fix that.”
“Tell me what can. I will do anything.”
Brooklyn Summer Page 23
