by J. L. Beck
“I’m okay…just shaken up. I’m sorry you had to get involved,” I apologize while looking down at the ground.
“Don’t be sorry. I was watching to see what was happening. I didn’t want to intervene, but then he went to touch you. I knew if that was Lily, and Lex was standing there able to put a stop to it, he would, and fuck, I would expect him to.”
“Well, thank you,” I say, and I am truly grateful. Who knows what would’ve happened if he hadn’t stepped in when he did?
“How many times has this happened?” he asks randomly, and I consider lying to him, but what’s the point.
“Twice. First, my mother showed up out of nowhere when Lex was picking me up from classes, and now both of them showed up today. I don’t think they’ll stop, they really want me to quit school and go home.”
“Yeah.” Seb leans against the side of his car. He’s not too close, but he’s not so far away that he seems unfriendly. “Well, if they show up again, let me know.”
I want to tell him there is no way to stop a man like my father but bite my tongue.
Lex arrives just a couple of minutes later, jumping out of his truck as soon as it’s parked. He walks up to me and takes my face into his hands.
“You okay?” Everything about him, his voice, the look in his eyes, even his body language tells me one thing. He is concerned for me.
He doesn’t care about my eyes being puffy from crying. He doesn’t care about me making a scene in the parking lot, or that I made him come and get me when he is supposed to be working. All he cares about is me and if I’m okay.
“Yes, I’m okay now.” And I am, now that he is here, I already feel a million times better.
They transfer me to Lex’s truck, and away we go, speeding toward his house.
When we get to his place, he guides me to the couch, and I sit, he quickly follows suit, sitting next to me, curling his arms around me. I let it all out, not holding back a thing. All the anger and disappointment. I’m mourning all the years I have lost, mourning a childhood I’ll never get back, and a family I should have had.
“That’s right, I got you. You just let it out. No one here is watching, no one here is going to talk to you about it. It is just your time to feel anything you want. I’ve got you, Jude, and I’ll always have you.”
He kisses my temple, and I lean into his shoulder even deeper, the tears falling faster than I can wipe them away.
I have never felt safer. Never felt so happy to have found Lex, to have found a family who will not only protect me but also, my baby. That, I have no doubt.
It takes me a while to settle, but Lex stays with me the entire time. To his credit, he doesn’t get up and try to distract me or make tea so that he can avoid being present with me, he simply sits with me. He lets me know it is okay. Lets me know, I’m safe and that he wants me, even like this. A complete and utter mess. When I’m finally able to pull myself together, he kisses me on the head again and releases me.
“Do you want to talk about what happened? You don’t have to, but I’m here if you do. Sometimes just saying it out loud helps.”
“I don’t know, it’s so painful and dark.”
Lex simply watches me, digesting every word I say. “What happened at the coffee shop is painful and dark, or something else?”
It was the exact right question to ask, because, for the first time, I feel like I could tell him some of it. I want to open up to him, to bloom into a flower.
“No, the coffee shop was bad, scary, and embarrassing, really. But that was nothing like what I knew growing up with them.”
Lex picks up my hand and kisses the back of it before putting it back down.
“You can tell me as much or as little as you want. I’m right here, listening to anything you have to say.”
“I don’t know what there is to tell you, specifically. You saw what he did to my back. But that was… there were years of that. My entire life, I’ve tried to figure out ways to cover up the marks.”
Lex grits his teeth and his body tenses, but I know I can’t manage his anger for him. I just have to stick right here with what I’m feeling. That’s as much as I can do.
“It wasn’t like everybody in our community did that. He just had really high expectations of me. He is the leader of our religious community. He has to set the example, and I was not an easy child. Or at least, so I have been told.”
“Easy or not, no child deserves that.” His tone is gritty and dark and dangerous. I know in my gut that if my father was here right now, Lex would likely hurt him. I can’t blame him for that. Even I want to hurt my father sometimes. Want him to feel the same pain he’s inflicted on my mother and me, but hurting him wouldn’t change what’s already occurred. It wouldn’t make the scars on my back disappear or the pain in my heart.
“Besides, I’m sure you were an angel,” Lex’s voice softens.
“I don’t know about that,” I smile lazily, “but you are right. No child deserves to be treated like that. I would never let a child be harmed. I would do anything to protect them.”
I never realized how deeply the protective mechanism was when you had your own child at play. The fact that I could never hurt my baby, but my dad could hurt his was a stark new reality. It told me more about his screwed-up psychology. It made it more about him and less about the religion and the community.
“A lot of people think of our way of life as a cult.” I shrug, not knowing how to speak to that or elaborate. “But it was built on some really great spiritual principles. It was extraordinarily conservative, which is probably no surprise, but it was also one of the few that was based on feminist philosophes. And it was for the greater good, supposedly. Sort of like your family. Y’all take care of each other. That is the way the church is.
“Our community shared money, houses, resources–everything was shared. Nothing was ever held back for the individual. But from childhood, I always felt the need to be an individual. I didn’t want to have to suppress the things that felt important to me. I wanted to explore my ideas, explore the world, and make a life for myself that was my own. But that was not something I was ever allowed. Within the community, there are certain things expected from every woman, I never checked any of those boxes. Always an outsider. That’s why no one wanted to marry me when it was time.”
“Time? What do you mean?” Lex’s confused expression makes me cringe. I don’t want to tell him this part because I know how messed up it truly is.
“Most girls get married as soon as they turn sixteen—”
“You get married at sixteen?”
“Yeah, it’s the norm. My dad always picks who gets married to who. In the early days of our community church, everyone was married to everyone. So, at sixteen, girls and boys alike were sent to elders to teach them about sexual ways, and then they became married to everybody else, and you scheduled coupling times in a private room as often or as little as you wanted. It was a way of removing the ego from the relationship. To bring things back again to bettering the whole rather than the one.”
“What the fuck! I am not trying to put down your religion, but that is some fucked up shit!”
I chuckle. “It is some fucked up shit. You’re not offending me because it is not my religion, not what I believe in. It was the environment I grew up in, but it was not me. It never fit with me. That is why I had to go out and find a way to become disowned. I needed a way to make space for myself. To go on to school and to find out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to spend time with.”
“How did you do it? How did you get away?”
“You, Lex. You helped me,” I say, but he just stares at me, trying to put it together.
“I snuck out to lose my virginity. I knew if I wasn’t pure, if I had sex before marriage, they would disown me.”
“So, you would have slept with anyone that night?” His question holds disappointment and hurt.”
“I thought I could,” I admit. “But when I first walked into th
at bar, I had changed my mind. I was going to walk right back out. Then you showed up and changed my mind again. I think it was always meant to be you, Lex.”
Relief flashes over his face. “What happened then? You went home and told your parents?”
“Yes, they were so mad. My dad beat me like he never had before. I thought he might kill me at one point, and worst of all, part of me wanted him to.” Dread seeps deep into my bones as I think about that night. The scars on my back will forever be a reminder of that night, of a past I long to forget.
“I’m sorry, Jude. I wish you would have told me. I never would’ve let you leave. I wish I had known, I would have protected you.”
“I know you would have. I just didn’t know then. All I ever wanted was a normal life. To feel safe and not like I would get a lashing if I did the wrong thing again. I was tired of walking on eggshells, being scared, and anxious. I wanted to have the right to choose things for myself. To not have to live under his authority or any man’s authority for that matter. To go to school, to have my own things, and to decide what I want to wear for myself. I wanted to choose. I wanted to have a life where I get to consent.”
Lex grabs my hand in an instant, and his green eyes are blazing. “I promise you, Jude, that no matter what, and I’m talking truly and honestly, no matter fucking what, whether you and I stay together, get together, never be together again–it doesn’t matter. As long as you live, I will protect you. And my family will protect you, too. Pops has already said that regardless of what happens with us, you have been adopted by the family, and he expects to see you every week at dinner. He even made a point of saying, he is not asking. You get to choose, of course, but if you are open to it, it’s there for you. As fully and as deeply as you want.”
Lex pulls me to him as my arms curl around his neck.
“Jude, I swear by all things good and holy, that part of your life is over. I will not let them hurt you ever again, and I will never try and control you like they did. Here you can be whoever you want, do whatever you want. I will never let anyone dictate your life again, least of all me. I want you to be happy and to make your own choices, okay?”
I nod, and for the first time, I believe him. I believe that he can keep me safe even from my past. Even from all the dark and broken parts.
With Lex, I am safe.
19
Lex
I wake up early, curled around the most beautiful girl in the world, and resist moving to avoid waking her. I look up and out the windows where light pours in and birds chirp, watching as they flit from branch to branch, making them sway.
I think back over the dinner and how vastly different it must have been from anything she had ever known. The contrasts between my family and hers are so wide. How she survived the dinner with us all, I will never know. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for her to see and experience many of what I consider ‘normal’ things that I take for granted. Did she understand the context? Get the normal, every day inside jokes?
Jude starts to stir, so I bring her closer, taking a deep breath, sucking in her scent while trying to avoid igniting my morning wood. I need to see how she is before getting ramped up for sex.
Her hands grab mine and pull them tighter around her, and she wiggles sexily back toward me, which is not helping matters. I close my eyes and draw on my reserves of steel, willing my body to cooperate and not ravage her completely. What I need is to distract myself.
“G’morning, beauty.”
“Hey, handsome.”
“How do you feel about doing something ‘normal’ today? Fun, but normal.”
She turns her head slightly to hear more.
“What were you thinking?”
“Well, I was thinking, maybe a date. It’s kinda backward for us, but I want to take you somewhere, spend some time with you, get to know you more.”
She chuckles and pulls me tighter again.
“I would love that,” she pauses to consider for a minute, and then adds, “but what would that look like? What would we do? Where would we go?”
“That is a great question. But you will have to let me make you breakfast to find out.”
In a flash, before she can respond, I pull away playfully and dash out of the bed.
“No, wait. Not fair. I need to pee first.”
“You snooze, you lose!” My laugh echoes in the hallway as she throws a pillow that falls far short of reaching me.
“You wait a second,” she yells after me, and I rush into the bathroom.
Jude is hot on my heels, though, and shoves the door open before I can even get it closed all the way. The smile on her lips leaves me breathless, and I reach for her without thought.
“If you want to win against me, you gotta be faster than that.” I grin, dragging my thumb across her plump bottom lip.
Her eyes fill with a lustful haze, and I drag my gaze down over her neck, chests, and down to her toned legs. She’s wearing one of my shirts, like she does every night when she goes to bed, and damn does it look good on her. There’s no denying that she’d look better naked, and beneath my body.
Leaning into her body, I nip at her earlobe. “I want you.”
My voice comes out a little rougher than usual, and I move closer, pushing into her soft body, letting her feel how much I want her.
With a fire flickering in her eyes, she pushes back and says, “Then take me.”
That’s all the spark needed to ignite me, and in seconds, I’m naked. Keeping my eyes on Jude, she removes the shirt in the same hurried fashion, and within seconds, we’re both stripped. My mouth waters at the sight before me, perky breasts with hard pink nipples, a slim stomach, and flared hips that I want to squeeze as I slam into her over and over again.
Fuck, I need her now.
“Turn around and grab the edge of the sink,” I growl, barely restraining myself.
There’s a spark of fear in her eyes, but there’s also something else, and even though her movements are hesitant, she still does as I say.
“Do you trust me?” I purr against her back, my cock pressed against her ass.
“If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here,” she whispers, and our eyes meet in the mirror. She’s so small and fragile, and that just makes me want to protect her more, to tug her into my arms and never let her go.
“Good, because with me, you never have to be scared. I’ll never do anything you don’t want me to do. I’ll never hurt you, and I’ll never put my own needs before yours.” I press a hand on her shoulder, bending her over the sink. “I’m going to get you nice and wet so you can take my cock with ease. So, stay put, and I’ll reward you nicely.” I wink.
“You’re so smug.” She laughs but does as I say.
Spreading lush ass cheeks, I peer at the puckered rosebud between them, knowing someday, I’ll be able to claim that part of her, of course, only when she is ready. Dropping to my knees, I move my gaze lower and onto her pussy, like a man possessed, I bury my face there. I sink my tongue into her channel, fucking her with it until she starts to grind herself on my face.
“Lex, that feels so good, more, please,” she begs so sweetly, and cum beads the tip of my cock. She’s going to have me going off like a rocket at any second, and yet, I cannot deny her pleasure. If she asked me to stop the world from spinning, I would fucking do my best to make it happen. I’ll do anything for her because she deserves it.
Replacing my tongue with two fingers, I ease inside her, and fuck her slowly, while I lick her all the way up to her ass and back down again.
“Oh, god.” She grips onto the sink as I move her body with each thrust of my fingers.
“Come for me, baby girl,” I demand, and she grinds her pussy into my hand. A couple seconds later, she goes off, her release flooding my hand.
I’m mesmerized by her release and take the liquid coating my hand and spread it over the head of my cock and down my length. Then I push up to my full height, grab her by the hips, bend my knees a
bit, and press my cock to her entrance.
Our gazes collide in the mirror as I slip deep inside her, her warm heat squeezing me tight enough to elicit a roar from my chest.
Fully seated, with my balls pressed against her ass, I start to move, pulling all the way out just so I can slam back in. She moves against the counter, her hands gripping onto the edge tightly to keep herself in place.
“I can’t go slow, baby. I need you, hard and fast.” I’d love nothing but to take her nice and slow, but I’m burnt out, needing something more, something deeper.
“Take me,” Jude whimpers, and that’s all I need.
Like a man possessed, I move in and out of her ferociously, fucking her like an animal. My thrusts are harsh, the sound of our skin slapping against each other, and my grunts, with her soft whimpers, fill the air. Squeezing her hips a little tighter, I tug her closer, grinding her against my cock. A hurricane of pleasure slams into me, and I hold off, feeling Jude’s channel flutter around me. She’s close, and I’ll be damned if I come before she does.
“Come, baby, come for me.” I tug her up, her back flush to my chest, and snake a hand down between her thighs. Easily finding her clit, I press my thumb against it, knowing the added pressure will light the fuse and set her off.
“Lex…” She groans my name, and I pull out and slam back into her, and just like that, she crumbles, her channel squeezing me so tight she sucks the cum straight from my balls.
“Shit,” I pant, filling her to the brim with my seed.
Pleasure clings to every inch of my body, and I shake while holding Jude close against my sweaty chest until both of our breathing returns to normal. Then, I slowly ease out of her, turn her around and cup her by the cheek.
“Was I too rough?” I ask softly, hoping that I wasn’t. For a brief moment, I lost control, and I never want Jude to think I would hurt her intentionally.
“No,” she shakes her head, sending blonde locks of hair across her face, “it was good, perfect.” She smiles, her eyes glittering. “We should probably take a shower now.”
