Knowing Seth was so close yet so far was torture. I kept as far away from his table as I could, taking any opportunity to hide out the back. When Isla asked me to refill the napkin dispensers as the late afternoon crowd filed out and before the cocktail hour crowd arrived, I grabbed them all and hid in the storeroom.
“You doing okay?” she asked, stepping into the tiny room at the back of the kitchen.
“Geez! You scared me half to death!” I complained, rubbing at the spot on my chest that felt like it was going to explode.
“Sorry. I just wanted to check in on you. I know it can’t be easy.”
Needing to get it off my chest, I stuffed the handful of napkins I was holding into the dispenser before setting it back down on the shelf with the others. “Honestly, it’s not. But I’m getting there. I know I’m slow and I’m…”
“If you apologise one more time, Claire, I’m going to boot you in the butt myself. None of this is your fault. You know that. Don’t you?”
Her question caught me off guard. Being surrounded by boys since everything had gone to shit hadn’t been all bad, but at the end of the day, they were still boys. I had more chocolate, more trashy magazines, and had watched more chick flicks than I ever had in my life, but none of them had asked how I was doing. Really doing. Don’t get me wrong, they asked if my arm was sore or if I needed anything. They checked to see if I still had a headache or if I wanted an ice pack, but they never once asked if I was okay. I wasn’t sure if it was because they were afraid of the answer or afraid of the question. But I couldn’t hold it against them. I never would. They hadn’t signed on for this when they’d agreed to let me crash their bachelor pad.
“I…I…”
I wasn’t sure.
Was it my fault? It might have been.
I wasn’t paying attention when he’d ripped my door open. I’d moved too slowly when he’d forced me out of the car. I’d argued when he tried to pry my grandmother’s ring from my finger. Maybe if I’d just moved faster. Kept my mouth shut. Maybe none of this would’ve happened.
But I couldn’t keep living my life in shoulda, coulda, woulda. They were driving me insane. In the moments of quiet, when I was finally left alone my mind replayed everything about that moment over and over and over again. Considering all the things I could’ve done differently. All the things I should’ve done differently. The problem was, all those thoughts weren’t getting me anywhere. The only thing they were doing as they spun around my head was make me dizzy.
Taking my hands in hers, Isla nudged me towards the old milk crate and helped me sit down before squatting down in front of me. Blinking, I looked into her kind eyes and saw sadness there. Or maybe that was just the reflection from my own.
“Claire. You need to listen to what I’m about to say and really hear me. Can you do that?”
Not trusting my voice, I nodded.
Isla took a deep breath. “What happened to you was horrible. No one doubts that. But it wasn’t your fault. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don’t you take the blame for what some punk arse kid who was probably drunk or high or both did to you. This is not on you. And you need to let it go or it’s going to eat you alive. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be scared. Hell, if I were you, I’d be shitting bricks, but look at you. You’re up and moving and back to living life on your terms. Don’t let some arsehole take that from you. Because you know what?”
“Wh-what?”
“That’s when they win. When you give up. When you let them ruin you. When you let them take the sweet, innocent girl who came in here looking for a job, when you let them break her, that’s when they win.”
“I think they already have,” I admitted, shame flooding me.
“No, they haven’t.”
I shook my head as tears trickled down my cheeks. Isla was saying everything I needed to hear but wasn’t ready to. She seemed to think I was strong enough to beat this. And if anyone had asked me a week ago, I would’ve agreed, but now, everything had changed. Everything was different. I was different. And I wasn’t sure I could go back.
“I’m so afraid. Seth just bumped into me and I almost screamed. I’m a mess.”
“Yeah, you are,” Isla confirmed with a sad smile. “But you know how I can tell that they didn’t win?”
“How?”
“Because you only almost screamed. Almost. You didn’t. Which just proves that you’re stronger than you’re willing to believe. And for right now, that’s enough. But one day soon that kick-arse country girl is going to come storming back to life and God help whoever gets in her way.”
For a minute I sat there mulling over Isla’s words, wondering if she could possibly be right. Part of me hoped she was. But then on the other hand, the other part of me, the part that was consuming me was too busy trying to convince me that it was too late. I guess only time would tell.
“I hope so,” I admitted truthfully.
I wasn’t used to being like this, and if I was being honest, I hated the fact that I was, but I couldn’t shake it. I’d tried to go on as normal, but two steps off the porch and I’d had an anxiety attack so bad it had Warner carrying me back up the stairs and holding me until I cried myself to sleep in his arms. It wasn’t my finest hour, and it was definitely something I wasn’t keen to repeat.
“You’ll get there. And until then, just trust the people who love you and lean on them. Let them be your strength.”
“It’s hard.”
“I know. But it’s the only way.”
I hated knowing she was right.
“Now, hurry up and finish with these and get your butt back out there. There’s a really cute guy sitting at the bar shredding my napkins waiting to talk to you,” Isla ordered with a wink.
“A guy?”
My heart was pounding.
I knew exactly who was waiting and although I owed him an explanation, I wasn’t sure I was ready to face him. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I know I wasn’t. But Seth was here and he was waiting. I had to suck it up and go face the music.
Packing the last of the napkins back in the box, I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, and headed out to face the music.
26
Seth
Lunch had been exhausting.
After running into Claire, it seemed to drag. It didn’t even seem to matter that my burger was cold or my fries were soggy.
“So…I did something this afternoon.”
“What? You were at the game all afternoon.”
“I bought an apartment.”
“You what?” Mum squawked, causing everyone to turn around.
“Mum! Volume,” Bryce scolded.
“Seth. Speak. Explain.”
It took twenty minutes to convince them I hadn’t made a mistake. Eventually Mum came around, and after demanding I organise to show her tomorrow, she started planning how she could decorate.
Now I was sitting at the bar, staring at the lemon wedge in the bottom of my empty glass. I’d already downed glass after glass of water, trying to keep my hands busy, while I waited for Claire to reappear.
“You waited?” a timid voice asked from behind me.
Spinning around on the stool, I came face to face with the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Since she blew me off, I’d been angry and annoyed, but now, seeing her again I noticed how much she had changed. Her eyes weren’t as bright. Her skin was hidden beneath a thick layer of makeup, but they still didn’t hide the dark bags under her eyes.
“I was hoping you’d talk to me. But I could leave if you’d prefer.”
“Nah, it’s fine. It’s just I’m working at the moment…” she started, before being quickly cut off by someone passing by.
“Technically, you’re on your break, Claire. Take as long as you need,” she murmured, giving her a soft, supportive squeeze on the shoulder.
“Thanks, Isla.”
“Mind if I sit?” Claire asked nervously.
“Not at all. Please
.”
We sat in silence for a minute, and I watched as Claire picked at her nails, or what was left of them. She looked nervous. Off-balance. Unlike her. Without even ordering, a drink appeared in front of her and she took a huge gulp.
“So, how was the game? The season started today, right? Did you win?”
Okay. So that’s how she wanted to play this. Deflection. I could go with that. For now. “Yeah. Season started today. We lost,” I grumbled miserably, rubbing the back of my neck.
“Oh. That sucks.”
You could say that again.
“How’d you play though? I know you were worried?”
Wow! I guess I really had fallen off her radar. It felt strange, wrong even. We didn’t know each other that well, we weren’t ‘together’ together, but I’d come to kinda rely on Claire to be the person who understood me. The one who got me and accepted me, warts and all. Finding out I didn’t even register stung worse than not being selected. Man, I had to toughen up.
“I didn’t play.”
“What?”
“I didn’t play,” repeating myself. It tasted just as bitter saying it the second time as it had when I’d first found out.
“Shit, Seth! What happened?”
Claire spun on her stool to face me and took my hands in hers. I felt the zap of electricity pass between us, and I wondered if she felt it too. Surely, I couldn’t be the only one feeling this. A week ago, I know she’d been right there with me. You didn’t come undone like that if you were faking it, but now, now I had no fucking idea.
“I wasn’t selected. I’ve got some work to do to get up to speed.”
I wanted to tell her the truth. The whole truth. I wanted to tell her that I was scared that it wouldn’t matter how hard I worked or how fit I got; I still wouldn’t be enough. That I’d never measure up. That I was destined to let everyone down. But here wasn’t the place. And now definitely wasn’t the time.
With another squeeze of my hand, Claire offered me a soft smile. “You’ll get there, Seth. I know you will.”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
I wasn’t so convinced. But hearing that Claire still believed in me had me sitting a little straighter.
Needing to redirect this conversation to the real problem, or at least away from my own dramas, I nervously asked Claire, “And what about you? Where’d you vanish to?” I wasn’t sure I was ready for the answer, but being kept in the dark wasn’t working for me, so this had to help.
“I didn’t vanish exactly…” Claire began and tried to pull her hands away, but I held firm.
“Well, you didn’t show up.”
I heard the words come out of my mouth and apologised quickly. I sounded like a bitchy, whiny woman who got stood up and whose feelings got hurt. That wasn’t who I was and definitely not who I wanted to be.
“I know.”
Claire’s hands were trembling in mine, and her eyes fell to the floor. Whatever the hell happened, whatever it was that I’d missed it wasn’t good. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know that.
After a moment, Claire took a deep breath, straightened her spine, and looked me dead in the eye. It was like she was preparing herself for battle. Damn, this girl was impressive. No matter how scared she was, no matter how nervous or afraid, she still sat up and faced it head-on. I knew I could learn a thing or two from her.
“And I know I owe you an explanation, but not here, Seth. Not like this.”
“Okay,” I agreed quickly.
I wanted to play it cool, but that wasn’t who I was. Not really. I was worried about her. Even after spending only a short time together, Claire had somehow managed to burrow herself so deep under my skin I wondered if I’d ever be able to get her out. Not that I wanted to. Even as pissed as I’d been about her standing me up, the truth was, deep down I was more concerned.
“Do you have your phone?”
Pulling it out of my pocket, I unlocked it and handed it over.
“There. Now you have my number.”
“I already had it?”
“I got a new one. My phone…ah, it…ah…yeah, it broke so I had to get a new one.”
I knew she was lying. It was written all over her pretty face. Her eye twitched, and she looked everywhere she could but at me. I wanted to call her out on it, but this one I let slide. In the scheme of things, it wasn’t a big deal.
“So, you haven’t been getting my messages or ignoring my calls then?” I smiled feeling a little lighter. At least if she wasn’t getting them, she wasn’t outright ignoring me. I was counting my wins where I could.
“No! I wouldn’t do that,” Claire answered quickly and I believed her.
“It’s all good.”
“Look, Seth, I know I haven’t told you much…”
“Or anything really.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. But I have to get back to work. Maybe we can catch up soon and…”
“And you can fill in the blanks?” I finished. Watching her struggle with this wasn’t my idea of fun. It was torturing her, and the last thing I wanted to do was to cause her more pain. Whatever she’d been through it was enough.
“Yeah. Something like that.”
“Sounds good.”
“Will you call me?” Claire bit down on her lip, and I noticed the red spot of blood appear. She’d split it at some point, and her actions had just opened it up again. Reaching across the bar, I snagged a napkin and handed it to her.
“Your lip’s bleeding.”
“Oh, shit.”
Embarrassment flooded her cheeks turning them pink as she dabbed at her lip, wincing with every touch. “That better?” she asked, turning back to me.
“Yep.”
“Thanks. I better get back to it then.” Sliding off the stool, Claire stuffed the napkin in her pocket before turning back to face me.
“I’ll leave you to it. Take care of yourself, Claire.”
“I will.”
“Good.”
“Call me soon. We’ll catch up. I bet you still can’t beat me on the dunes,” she threw in trying to deflect.
“If I call, will you answer?” I teased back.
“Guess you’ll just have to call to find out.”
Minx!
With a wink, she scurried around the bar, putting three feet of mahogany between us before leaning over and beckoning me forward with her finger. Unable to resist her, I moved forward expecting her to tell me a secret. To whisper something in my ear. Something dirty I hoped.
“You’re a good guy, Seth. Thanks for being such a great friend.”
Ouch!
Fucking ouch!
Had I just been friend-zoned?
27
Claire
The days passed, and things seemed to be getting back to normal. Thankfully. Last night I’d even managed to convince everyone to go out on their weekly trivia night and leave me home alone, something they hadn’t done since I’d been attacked. It took some arguing and they checked in a handful of times while they were gone, but I did it. I survived a night at home without completely falling apart. Slowly but surely, I was getting my life back and not a minute too soon.
It was Wednesday morning, and I had the day off. Isla had been amazing. She was the boss I wished everyone had. She was kind, honest, caring, and most of all understanding. When Toby had asked me to empty the bins last night, I froze. Isla didn’t miss a beat. She just stepped in and implemented a new rule without pointing the finger at me or making me look like a freak. No one was allowed out the back after dark on their own. It wasn’t safe. So, Isla had scooped up a bag herself and followed me into the corral where we’d dumped the rubbish, and I took a second to get my heartbeat under control.
It was when we were walking back inside, she stopped me and suggested I join her self-defence class. At first, I thought the idea was dumb, but the more I thought about it, the better it sounded. Just because I’d know how to defend myself, didn’t mean I’d have to. It might just give me ba
ck the confidence that prick in the black balaclava stole. And that idea alone was enough to have me signing up.
Feeling reinvigorated by my progress and the bright sunny day, I needed to get out of the house. I was sick of being cooped up. Since everything that had happened, if I wasn’t at work, I was home. The place was spotless. Even Warner had complained that everything constantly smelt like lemon-scented bleach.
Changing into my shorts, t-shirt, and runners, I grabbed my bag and headed out. Not after an argument with my way too protective brother, but he was going to have to get over himself. I appreciated everything he’d done for me, I really did, but it was time to loosen his grip a little and let me get on with my life. Living in a bubble wasn’t going to work for either of us.
It felt amazing to have the sun on my skin. As soon as I was outside on the footpath, everything felt better. Autumn was in the air, and the leaves were beginning to turn, but it was still a beautiful day. After a quick pit stop to grab a coffee and a chocolate chip cookie the size of my palm, I wandered along enjoying the sunshine. For mid-morning on a Wednesday, it was surprisingly busy. Mums pushed strollers in their fancy brand named work out gear, while others were led along by their designer puppies wearing matching coats.
Turning the corner, I spotted the beach up ahead and knew that’s where I needed to be. When I’d left home, I hadn’t planned on coming here, but my feet just led the way and I had a feeling I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Draining the last of the coffee from my cup, I tossed it in the bin before bounding down the stairs and across the sand. Once I hit the beach, I stopped and took off my shoes and socks before continuing my walk in the ankle-deep water. Feeling the way the sand squelched beneath my toes, hearing the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, everything seemed to calm me.
“You look happy,” a deep voice startled me.
Rookie (Playing The Field Book 2) Page 16
