by Chloe Thomas
“Belle,” I say pausing, knowing this conversation is going to be tough, “baby why didn’t you tell me.”
“Tell you what?” She asks like she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
“That you were raped. I know Levi knew.”
“Oh.” She stutters immediately tensing. She’s quiet for a bit unsure of what to say to me I guess. “You should understand I didn’t tell Levi, he worked it out. It wasn’t like I told someone else but not you.”
“I know Belle, Levi said, but all those times you were nervous and panicked with me, I could have helped you better if I’d known.”
“When did you and Levi talk about it?” She asks seemingly nervous, like I’ll be mad that he knew. I decide to leave out that I was furious and had my hand wrapped around his throat over it. Somehow I don’t think that would go down well.
“This afternoon.” She nods and I wait patiently for her to answer my original question.
“I... I couldn’t.” I can see water filling her eyes and I pull her into me to provide some comfort.
“Why not baby?” She’s silent for a while but eventually responds.
“I was scared. Scared it would make it real. Scared we’d be over and I’d already started falling for you.”
“Baby, I understand not wanting to make it real, but why would it mean the end of us?” She buries her head Into my chest not wanting to answer. “Belle, I know this is hard but we need to talk about this, why would it be the end of us?” I really don’t get why she’d think I’d leave her for it?
“Because I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t get him off me. It’s my body, the one thing that I control that will always belong to me and I was too weak and pathetic to do anything about it. Why would you want to be with someone so pitiful?” She gets the words out in between sobs and my heart breaks. How could she think that about herself?!
“Baby that couldn’t be further from the truth.” I pull her face into my hands wanting eye contact. “Belle, you’re not any of those things. Don’t ever blame yourself Belle, this is not your fault. There’s nothing you could’ve done to change what happened, nothing.”
I sit holding her tightly for half an hour or so trying to think of anything I can do or say that would take some of the hurt and pain away. I’ll book her a counselling appointment first thing in the morning. Even if she won’t let me go inside with her, I’ll sit in the car and be there for her when she gets out. She needs to start talking to someone about all this. I really don’t want to keep reminding her of it but there’s still one more question that I need to ask her. It’s been on my mind constantly for the last 24 hours now.
“Belle, when we had sex, were you ready for that?” If I’d have known we’d have waited, or I’d have been more gentle, or... something. I’d have done something to make sure she was okay.
“Yes, I was ready.”
“Are you sure?”
“I promise Chase. I wanted it as much as you.”
Chapter 13
Learning to trust
Belle
————————————
If it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve been kidnapped and held hostage for 2 and a half months, I would have said that today has to have been the biggest rollercoaster of my life. I’m not even sure I expected to see Chase again never mind that he still thinks of us as together. Then there was the baby’s heartbeat. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard, breathtaking even. I knew then and there that I couldn’t get rid of that little boy or girl or hand them over to someone else. That’s my child, my baby and I have this overwhelming urge to protect and nurture that little one.
Of course, that creates a problem with me and Chase. The fact that he walked out yesterday when I told him and got paralytic tells me he doesn’t want this. I know he said he’d made up his mind and was sure earlier but I’m worried he’s saying that out of guilt or just hasn’t thought it through. As difficult as it was I needed his promise that he’d think about this some more and that he’d leave if it wasn’t for him. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be devastated when he makes that decision but I’ll completely understand.
I haven’t told him I love him yet. It’s as if I’m in this bubble waiting for it to pop and somehow it’s like if I don’t say the words then the bubble will remain intact a little while longer. I know it will pop though. Eventually this will all come crashing down around me and it’s a struggle to enjoy it while it lasts knowing what the future holds. I wonder if I’m only making it more painful for myself in the long run.
We’re sat snuggled on the sofa now after an... interesting conversation if that’s what you could call it. I get Chase wants to know why I didn’t admit anything earlier but I was hoping he’d let it go. Still i’ve admitted it now so hopefully he’ll drop the subject. I did feel bad when he asked if I was ready for the sex though. I was 100% ready and I don’t want him to feel some sort of guilt over it. It was the best sex I’ve ever had and I don’t regret it for a second.
To be honest it’s getting me a little turned on thinking about it. I guess I might as well enjoy things while Chase still wants to stick around. I place my lips on his tenderly, running my tongue along the edge. He doesn’t immediately pull back but he doesn’t deepen the kiss either. After a couple more seconds he gets up and suggests we go to sleep leaving me feeling deflated. Does he have more of a problem with me being forced than he’s letting on? Or is he just treading on egg shells around me, scared he’s rushing me into things?
***
It’s been a few days now and although me and Chase have been with each other the whole time, something doesn’t feel right. He’s slept in my bed but he keeps boxers and a t-shirt on. He kisses me but doesn’t seem interested in anything further than that and we haven’t spoken about the baby at all. I’m not saying I expected us to talk about it constantly, but the fact that it’s become this unmentionable thing worries me. It’s like he’s trying to pretend it isn’t happening. We haven’t spoken about Columbia any more either other than Chase booking me a counselling appointment as soon as they were open. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he hasn’t pushed that topic because I don’t want to talk about it but I’m surprised he’s just let it go like this.
On the subject of counselling appointments, I have the first one today in an hour or so. It’s terrifying me and my thoughts have been consumed by it all morning. I know when the Doctor mentioned it Chase said he would come with me but I think he just said that because he had to. Yet another thing I’m worried he’s doing out of obligation. I did consider asking Naomi to go with me but she’s working and I don’t want to drag her into my pity party. I get my keys and start to put my coat on when Chase wanders into the kitchen.
“Are you ready?” He asks. If I’m honest I think I thought he’d forgotten altogether.
“Yeah I guess,” I reply not really meaning it.
“Belle don’t try and tell me what you think I want to hear. And why have you got your car keys? I always drive us especially with you being pregnant.” He looks at me, eyes narrowed like he’s annoyed.
“What do you mean, and of course I have my keys, I’m not expecting you to drive me there.”
“You know what I mean, I can read you like a book and you’re anything but okay. As for driving you, I said I would so I will.” He’s sounding increasingly irritated with me but I don’t get it. He clearly doesn’t want to take me and I’m giving him a way out. What’s the problem? Everything starts to boil up inside me and I just snap. I can’t take him staying with me out of guilt or whatever the fuck it is. This is why I told him to go. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle this.
“No you’re not driving me Chase. I can drive myself. I don’t need you here out of guilt or because you feel obliged to do the right thing and stay by the side of the poor pathetic weak woman!” I’m virtually shouting by the end of my outburst.
“Is that what you think?” He asks in a quiet all be it furious tone.
“Belle, for fucksakes, I haven’t initiated sex because I don’t want to scare you or rush things anymore than I already have. When I touched you before I knew you’d been raped and you panicked I had no idea of how scared you were! If I’d have fucking known we would have stopped, gone slower or something. As for sleeping in clothes, well yeah. Sex with you is the best fucking sex I’ve ever had and if I don’t sleep in clothes it’s difficult not to want more. I don’t want you seeing me hard and feeling pressured into something. Christ I want to touch you Belle, trust me I have to have a cold shower every morning as it is!” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “And Belle I know we haven’t really spoken about things since the day of the scan because honestly I’m not sure if you’re ready.”
“Stop lying to me!” I scream. “ stop dragging the inevitable out. I know you don’t want to be here so just tell me the truth, I know you’re appalled at me and at the idea of being a dad to my baby.”
“I’m not fucking lying Belle! He yells, hurt evident in his voice. “And what about you. You lie about how you’re coping, you say you’re ready for intimacy but you’re not. You’re pretend you’re coping okay when you aren’t!”
“I am ready. I know you think I’m weak but I’ve been raped once already. I wouldn’t let you sleep with me if I didn’t want it!” It’s the first time I’ve said the word rape and it feels.... surprisingly okay. “As for how I’m coping, I am coping. I’ve never said everything’s perfect all the time but I’m still coping.”
He puts his hand to his forehead in frustration.
“Arabella, what will it take for you to believe in me. To trust I know my own mind and am sure you and that baby are it for me?” He’s stopped shouting at me now and stalks towards me, pulling me into him and touching his lips to mine. “Feel how hard I am. Do you believe how much I want you now. Is this what you need?”
I feel his lengthening cock pressed into me and I suddenly get really turned on. Maybe it is what I need, to feel wanted.
“Yes,” I’m almost panting. He kisses me again and it feels frantic, desperate even.
“How far do you want to go baby?” He asks, his voice strained.
“I want you inside me,” Chase looks at me nervously, like he’s unsure. “Please Chase,” I’m almost begging him.
“Baby there isn’t much time, we need to leave soon. I’m not sure I can do quick with you, It just doesn’t feel right.”
“I want this Chase. Quick is fine,” I plead.
He kisses me urgently and slips his hand inside my t-shirt lifting it upwards. I help him take it off, discarding it on the floor and start undoing the belt on his jeans. He reaches around to the back of my bra unclasping it and I let it fall away.
“You’re so beautiful Belle,” he states appreciating my naked top half whilst working the button on my jeans undone. He steps back letting me pull my jeans and underwear off while pushing his own jeans and boxers down in one swift motion. His cock stands proud and ready, already dripping with precum.
“Baby,” he pauses looking awkwardly at me. “Do I still need a condom, I mean I know you’re already pregnant but err... have you been tested since you’ve been home?”
“Yeah, I’m all clear. You don’t have to wear one unless you want too.” He smiles at me.
“I’d rather not baby, and I know I’m clean.”
“Okay then,” I mutter as we resume our frenzied kissing, hands roaming over each others bodies.
Chase slides his hand downwards, quickly reaching his goal and eliciting a moan from me.
“Jeeze Belle, you’re fucking soaked.” He groans between placing chaste kisses up my neck. As he rubs my clit harder and faster I already feel so close to the edge.
“You gonna come for me already baby?” He asks in a low moan.
“Don’t stop, I’m so close,” I gasp. With that he slides a finger inside me and finds that magical spot. A few more pulses in and out and I career over the edge.
“Ah, fuck Chase,” I scream as I spiral into my orgasm. When I come down he eases his finger out of me and pauses for a moment.
“You still sure you want more? We don’t have to.” He looks at me sincerity mixed with desire and lust in his eyes.
“I’m sure.”
“This is going to be quick, we don’t have long and honestly I don’t think I’ll last anyway.”
He wraps his arms around me, lifts me up, and leans us against my kitchen wall whilst I wrap my thighs tightly around him. Slowly and deliciously he nudges my entrance and pushes inside me, keeping me tightly hugged to his chest. I moan softly at the feeling of fullness and the pleasure that pulses through me.
“God baby,” he grunts. “You’re so hot and tight.” He closes his eyes for a second enjoying the feeling and very slowly starts to move.
“Arabella,” he starts to say between delicious thrusts. “I love you. I love you so much.” The emotion I feel is overwhelming. “Please trust me.” This isn’t just sex. This is him making love to me. This is him showing me I’m it for him and my heart thumps in my chest.
“I love you too Chase,” I say, suddenly wanting to be sure he knows how I feel about him. He rests his forehead on mine and smiles, still gently thrusting into me. I can feel my orgasm building and Chase begins to pick up the pace. The feeling is exquisite and I’m not going to last much longer.
“Ah fuck baby, this feels too good,” he grunts, his voice strained as he tries to hold back, “I need you to come with me baby.” Those words are my undoing and my pussy clenches tightly on his cock, as my orgasm takes hold.
“Yes Belle!” He cries out through gritted teeth as he stills and I feel him expand and pulse deep inside me, his cum jetting out. We both grunt and moan whilst our orgasms continue, lost in the moment, lost to one another. Eventually we come down, still panting and tightly clutching each other.
Chase holds me for a minute or so, placing sweet kisses on my cheeks while we get our breaths back.
“I could hold you like this forever Arabella, but we really need to go,” he eventually states and lowers me to the ground. We clean up and put our clothes back on before heading to his truck hand in hand.
***
The drive to the counselling centre is quiet but not in an awkward way. I keep thinking back to what just happened and find myself feeling giddy. We made love, I told Chase how I feel and the bubble still hasn’t popped. Maybe there’s a chance it won’t. I steal the odd glance at him and each time he notices and glances back, smiling at me. It’s a genuine smile, one that reaches his eyes and lights up his whole face. I nearly forget where we’re going and why.
Unfortunately though, I can’t forget completely and before long Chase pulls up outside an imposing building and I know we’re here. He turns the truck off and we just sit for a minute, his hand resting on my thigh in reassurance.
“Baby, I’d really like to come with you. To support you.”
“No. This is something I need to do alone,” I respond nervously. He puts on a small smile and nods, though I can see he doesn’t really understand why.
“Well, if you change your mind or need me in anyway I’ll be right out here. I’ll keep an eye on my phone too.”
I take a deep breath and open the truck door, clamber down and head inside. I give my name to the receptionist and take a seat in the waiting area, surprised at how the rooms been decorated and furnished. It doesn’t feel like a waiting room, there are sofas, a TV, bookshelves. If anything it feels more like a library or some sort of relaxation and reading room.
***
“Miss Arabella Rose?” I hear my name called out and look up to see a young woman smiling politely and kindly at me. She’s probably o
lder than me but only by a few years I’d say. She’s smartly dressed, with long dark hair framing her face and glasses.
“Yes, that’s me,” I say getting up and shaking the woman’s hand. We exchange pleasantries as we walk through the building eventually entering what I assume is her office. It’s a big open space with shelves of books and a desk at one end of the room while couches and beanbags fill the other half. It’s not decorated like an office though, it feels like it could be someone’s lounge with splashes of colour and pictures adorning the walls. It’s warm and inviting which ultimately surprises me.
“Please take a seat,” she states and I head towards the sofa.
“Arabella, my name is Dr. Clarissa Johnson, but I like to be informal so please just call me Clarissa. Before we begin, I can sense you’re very nervous at being here so please allow me to reassure you. These sessions will run at your own pace. If there’s ever a subject matter you don’t want to talk about then we won’t talk about it. There’s also no judgement here, anything you say will be treated with respect and will be confidential. Ultimately Arabella, I’m here to help you. Does that sound okay?”
“Yes,” I nod surprised she can already tell how scared I’m feeling. Then again, I suppose reading people is her job.
“I’ve read your hospital file, so I have an idea of why you’re here Arabella, but I don’t want to talk about what happened today. I want to talk about you.”
The conversation is kept light the rest of the session and we talk about what I’ve been up to in the past few weeks. I tell her about Chase and the pregnancy and she focus on how I feel about those two things. All in all, it goes okay and when the session ends I don’t find myself dreading the next one like I imagined I would.
