“What are you doing here? Are you OK?” Blinking up from my sleep, I could see there was a woman stood there in her thirties, well dressed. Damn this must be the owner.
“Sorry I didn’t mean any harm. I’ll be on my way.”
Pulling myself to my feet I was stiff and aching. “Are you sure you’re OK? Have you been out here all night? You must be freezing.” Her sympathy was the last thing I needed. I didn’t want to explain myself to anyone.
“I’m OK, what time is it?”
Looking concerned, she glanced down at her watch. “It’s twenty to nine.”
Oh no I was going to be late for work. The woman was blocking my exit, and I had to barge through her. “Sorry I have to go.”
She was shouting after me, “No please wait, I maybe able to help you. Please come back and see me, you’re too young to be out on the streets.”
Her words stung me. Here was this total stranger who had never set eyes on me more concerned about me than my own mother had ever been. She was probably in bed sleeping off the effects of last night’s drinking session oblivious of her actions. For now I had to get to work, but I was a mess, I needed to clean up first. Walking into town I made my way to the public toilet. Looking in the mirror the image that stared back was disgusting. My mascara had run down my cheeks leaving a trail, there were black circles under my eyes that gave away my night’s antics, and my hair looked like a bird’s nest. Turning on the tap I grabbed as many sheets of toilet roll as I could hold put it under the tap and scrubbed my face to remove all the traces of the old makeup. I did look fresher, but my hair was a mess. Tipping out my bag into the sink, I frantically searched for a comb; no I was out of luck. There was a small piece of paper tattered and torn. Opening it I sighed a sigh of relief as I realised it was Ryan’s dad’s phone number. Maybe he would take me in. He was always moaning he was hard up, it could be worth a go.
Boots was my next port of call before work. Looked like I needed to spend some money on a comb if I was attending work today. The shop assistant tried to stay professional selling me the comb but it was obvious she was stifling a giggle. Going to the makeup section I looked in one of the mirrors and detangled my locks. Eyeing up the makeup, I noticed the samples and there was everything I needed: mascara, foundation, blusher, eye shadow and lipstick. I had not got time to pick and choose so I opted for all the neutral shades and admired myself in the shop mirror – actually, not too bad. Looks like I can pull this off.
I knew as soon as I stepped into the shop it would be “Danielle, what time do you call this? You’ll have to work through your dinner,” blarr blarr. Today though she seemed preoccupied with a customer who obviously knew more about her consumer rights than she did and was getting herself in a tiss. By passing them down the middle aisle of the shop to avoid being seen, I went in the back and hung up my belongings, picked up some stock and busied myself restocking some of the shelves.
“Oh, Danielle, there you are. Pleased to see you’re keeping busy, once you have done that can you rearrange the items in the window.” Not waiting for an answer she returned to her agitated customer who looked like they were about to burst a gasket.
At lunch time I called Ryan’s dad. “Hi Chris it’s Danielle. I was wondering if I could come and stay with you for a while?” He was surprised to hear from me but thankfully didn’t pry and instantly agreed to my staying. At least that meant not another day on the street or the park.
I had nothing but the clothes I stood up in and so I needed some of my belongings. I had the keys to get in and if I did, I could get some fresh clothes, toiletries and my bank book, but right now I had nothing and no way of replacing anything. I needed a plan. My mum and Ryan would both be out until the evening working, but they both got back before me. There was only one thing for it I would have to fake a sicky and get away from work early; I needed to get in and out of there before either of them were back.
After lunch my manager was still vexed with the morning customer who got the better of her, so I needed an Oscar-winning performance to fool her.
“Michelle?”
“What? This better be good after the day I’m having.”
OK the playing sick won’t do it, I am going to have to up the antie.
“Sorry, Michelle, but my mum has just met me at lunch, and told me my dog’s been run over and it’s not looking good. He may need putting down.” I started to blubber.
“Oh no, Danielle, that’s awful.” Sniffling I continued, “The vet reckons he won’t make it until I finish work, and all I want is to say goodbye to him.”
Putting her arm around me she said, “Danielle, you go. You are no use to me like this, and I will see you in the morning, if you are up to coming in that is.” I muttered my thanks and rushed for my coat I hated lying to her, but what choice did I have?
Luckily as I arrived at the bus station my bus was in. Sighing a sigh of relief I boarded the bus. I just wanted to get in and out of the place as quickly as I could to avoid seeing them. The house was empty when I got there, and I had no intention on hanging about. Snatching the suitcase from under my bed I filled it with my personal belongings, and put my bank book in my bag. I did not know where I was going from here but this place did not feel like home it had not for a long time, what with their constant fights that on occasions escalated into violence on both sides. It was a relief to be going and I had no intention of returning ever. I decided as I was never seeing her again, to leave her a farewell letter telling her exactly what I thought of her.
To Mum,
It gives me great pleasure to tell you I am leaving and I won’t be back. You are a poor excuse for a mother. Who in their right mind tells their daughter their father’s dead when they’re not. You have never been there for me and it’s a relief that I never have to set eyes on you ever again. You are dead to me as far as I’m concerned.
Danielle
I placed the letter on the bed. Funny how it’s come to this for me to finally tell her how I feel if only in a short note. I was always too timid, scared and to insecure to ever back chat her or tell her what I thought, but right now I could not give a damn, after all she had made it clear she did not give a damn about me, with her mad accusations and game playing.
I knew where Ryan’s dad lived, it was not far away, on a local council estate, known as the Bellamy Road Estate. When I arrived at Chris’s house, I rang the bell and stood on the doorstep, unsure what kind of welcome I would receive. He immediately answered the door with a huge smile and beckoned me in. “Kettle’s on, Danielle. Mine’s tea with two sugars.”
We sat and chatted and I explained how I would just stay until I sorted something more definite and would pay my way; after, he showed me my room, which was a pretty floral single bedroom. Left there with my own thoughts, I realised I had not eaten all day, yet was not hungry. I had absolutly no appetite, maybe it was due to the shock of the latest events. More than anything I was exhausted, I needed rest. Laying on the bed I tried to fight the sleep as it was still early.
36
Opening my eyes the room had gone dark. I laid there adjusting my eyes, it took me a few seconds to remember where I was, and what had happened within the last twenty four hours. It all came rushing back to me, the predicament I now found myself in, what was I going to do. There was no way I could stay here for long it was not fair on Chris, he hardly knew me. Apart from the odd visit to see Ryan and my mum he was never around and when he was we only passed pleasantries so basically I was living with a stranger.
I needed the toilet. The room was pitch black and I had no idea where the light switch was. I laid there until I couldn’t bear it any longer. Slowly getting up I managed to manoeuvre around the room and flick on the light switch. On a bedside cabinet there was a small clock showing it was half past one. After relieving myself I went back to bed; the rest of the night was spent tossing and turning I was unable to set
tle even though I was shattered. Cursing myself I watched the clock tick off what felt like every second; eventually it hit seven, the time to get sorted for work.
Going downstairs Chris was already up. “Morning, Danielle, your breakfast is in the kitchen.”
Smiling shyly I thanked him and ate the breakfast he had kindly made.
“Danielle, it’s none of my business what’s been going on, but if your determined not to return home, then we can go to the council to see where you stand on being given some emergency accomodation and the sooner you do it the better.”
The thought of living on my own was daunting but there was no way I was going back to the way things were.Agreeing to his proposal I rang into work explaining I was still distraught over my pet.
Chris had rang ahead to the council and had managed to get me an appointment for that morning. The advisor was very understanding, unknown to me it turned out my mum had already put my name down for social housing as soon as I had turned sixteen, so they were able to offer me a one bedroom flat on the Bellamy Road Estate. Chris was brilliant and he helped me get it decorated, he was struggling financially himself so I gave him some money for helping me with the decorating.
The flat was in a block of four, two downstairs and two above; they were all identical: a door leading from the communal landing that then led into the flats corridor, a double bedroom to the left straight opposite was the bathroom small but adequate and clean, at the end of the corridor the flat opened up into a large living space with a small gallery kitchen at the end overlooking the car park. The view from the lounge window was stunning as it was overlooking fields as far as the eye could see and, being on the top floor the view was amazing especially first thing when the sun came up.
Luckily as I had not been one for socialising or spending extravagantly on myself: I had managed to save quite a healthy amount to furnish my new home. I had no idea of the cost of things, but looking at the two and a half thousand in my current account I figured I would be able to buy the necessities. Taking a pen and paper and looking around the empty flat I started a list. Carpets, cutlery, plates etc, pans, bed and bedding, sofa and chairs, curtains, cooker, washer, food, cleaning stuff, bath towels, tea-towels, telephone installed, television or radio. As I was writing I could feel my budget shrinking and feeling inadequate. Well there was no use feeling inadequate, I needed to get started.
Not knowledgable of the prices of anything I needed, I decided to start at the local second-hand furniture shop. The living room was vast and I was not planning on overfilling it, so as long as the suite was in reasonably good nick and clean I was happy. I finally settled on a grey draylon suite there was not a mark on it, and it seemed OK for the seventy-five pound they wanted for it, which also included delivery. The carpets though, there could be no skimping on them, so I arranged for a local tradesman to sort a price for the whole flat, and once they were laid I would be happy to move in and have everything else delivered once they were down.
Dropping off the pans, cutlery and other kitchen items I needed at the flat, there was a knock at the door.
“Hi I’m Jake, I live in the flat opposite. Sorry if I’m imposing it’s just I know how hard it is to get set up, especially if it’s your first time. So I wanted to let you know that the council are doing a flat clearance from the block next door and there is a double bed in there and there’s not a mark on it. It’s just been dumped on top of the skip. My mates here we will fetch it up if you want, but if you’re not bothered I won’t be offended, just thought it was a shame if you missed out.”
Unsure whether to agree or not and not wanting to offend my new neighbour I agreed, hesitantly unsure what I had let myself in for. A bed out of a skip, really? Is this what I had come to?
Luckily the bed was as Jake had described; it was not new, but it looked clean and they kindly put it together and would only accept a cup of tea as payment, which gave me an excuse to use the new kettle though he had to provide the tea, sugar and milk. When they left I looked at my first piece of furniture. I was still unsure a bed out of a skip really. Maybe I was being silly, after all I had no idea the cost of a new one, and the trip round Woolworths had been an eye-opener. Who would have thought kitchen bits and pieces could cost so much, so maybe the bed was a blessing after all.
Finally after another two weeks the carpets were down, and the place was starting to look like a home, my home, my first real home. It was time to move in. I had got most of my items from second-hand shops where I could the washer, cooker and television making sure I got a guarantee of at least six months. Turning the key in the door I entered the flat, the smell of fresh paint still lingered in the air making it smell clean and it mingled with the freshness of the new carpets. I had to admit I had the place looking good, it was just a pity I had no one to show it off to. Oh well it was my home and it was safe. I finally had some control, shutting the door behind me I put my first lot of food shopping away, walked over to the lounge window and watched the sun go down over the fields. I felt at peace, safe. I could not remember the last time I felt so relaxed, no more rows, drunken arguments, no feeling everything was out of my control.
37
Life was good, I was loving living on my own. I loved coming home at night after work closing the door and being able to shut the whole world out. I had got a telephone installed, not that I had anyone to ring, or to ring me, but it was my safety net with living alone. You could never be to careful, or if I took ill, or needed to call work. The flat was still sparsley furnished and I had done it all within my budget and still had some to spare. The rent was fifty-six pound a month and included heating, so I could easily manage on my wage, and as I was by myself not tied to anyone. I was picking up extra shifts where needed just to pass my time.
Arriving home after a long shift Jake was waiting for me on the landing.
“I thought you would never get back, I have a message for you, from your mum.” The mere mention of her name made my heart sink. Puzzled my mum, what the hell did she want? And how did she find me?
“She told me to tell you she needs to see you as your gran’s not well. She will be in the Prince Charles pub tomorrow from one o’clock, and she wouldn’t have bothered you but it’s urgent.”
Thanking him I made my excuses and let myself in my flat; suddenly the place didn’t feel so safe. I really didn’t need this, how on earth did she know where I was? I didn’t want to see her, she was the last person I wanted to see, but it was my gran. Damn her, I had no choice – I would have to go.
Entering the Prince Charles pub there they were in their usual seats on a Sunday afternoon getting a skin full. Ryan was the first to spot me; he shuffled uncomfortably in his seat and nudged my mum, who looked up and gestured at me to join them. Standing in front of them as I had no intention of staying I just wanted the news on my gran and I was leaving.
“Danielle sit down, I can’t talk to you while your towering above us and I don’t want everyone else listening in.” Sighing I pulled a chair up, she then continued. “Look if you are not interested in me and your family that’s fair enough you just have to say.”
Refusing to answer such a stupid statement I simply asked how my gran was.
“There’s nothing wrong with her, I just said that as I knew it was the only way you would agree to see me.”
Glaring at her I could not believe my ear.
“Look, Danielle, I have something to tell you, it’s regarding your dad. He has been trying to track you down and if you want to see him he is waiting for you at the welfare just across the road.
It didn’t know wether to laugh in her face or cry. “OK, Mum, let me get this straight. You have used my gran to get me here by making out she is virtually on her deathbed, to tell me my dad who has not given a damn about me, wants to see me across the road?” I was livid. How dare she sink so low. I needed to get out of there before I said or did something I woul
d regret. My mum was speechless, I had never ever answered her back and the shock on her face was laughable. She reached out to touch my hand but I brushed her off and stood up with such force that it sent the chair tipping back I had been sitting on.
“Please, Danielle, go and see him.” Ignoring her I left the pub.
She used my grandma to get me to come over, the bitch. How could she use emotional blackmail to get her own way, and why? To tell me my dad, who has never been my dad, wishes to see me and expects me to go and see him like He-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed. Well sod him. I’m not interested in anything he has to say, or am I? Maybe I should get all this sorted today. When will I get another chance to have it out with him and I had to admit to myself I was in no mood to back down today.
Steeling myself I entered the welfare. It was virtually empty but sitting at the bar was a middle-aged couple with their back to me. Christ, I needed some dutch courage. Ordering a double whisky at the bar, I downed it in one. Glancing at the couple at the side of me at the bar I recognised Maureen immediately: she had not changed in all the years and they were both looking at me. The whisky had hit the back of my throat and made me cough.
“I think you may be waiting for me,” I announced. My voice sounded rough from the effect of the drink.
“Danielle, Danielle, is that you?” I nodded the man speaking I did not recognise him as the man who took me out as a child.
I had erased his image from my memory. The man I was looking at was approximatly 5ft 7inches with thinning brown hair; he was slightly overweight too but I did recognise the twinkle in his eye. He was beaming at me.
Why? Page 13
