Blind with panic, Trudy stumbled, then began to sprint. Another shout, and another—now she raced full-out, pounding with the desperate illogic of a doe run to ground—
A great blow caught her broadside, knocking her breath from her body.
Memoirs of the Master Swordsman
FELIS EL GATO
Impresario Extraordinaire ♦ Soldier of Fortune
Mercenary of Stage & Empire
LORD OF THE LEGENDARY
FIST OF GOD
Famed Throughout the Courts and Countries of the World
&
The Great Sultanate
* THE BOOTED MAESTRO *
WRITTEN IN HIS OWN HAND~ALL TRUTHS VERIFIED~
ALL BOASTS REAL
A Most Marvelous Entertainment,
Not to Be Missed!
***
GREAT DRAMA has always compelled my full attention, and I bore no small connection to beautiful, delicate Wisdom, having revealed her innate artistry only the previous day. While others grieved the loss of their princess, I could not but grieve as well the loss—so senseless! so theatric!—of one of the grandest performers, if only for a night, of the grand Circus Primus. For no sooner had the Princess of Montagne wedded handsome Duke Roger than she collapsed ... poisoned!
Most repugnantly, the perpetrator of this fiendish act—not an observer could deny—was none other than Her Most Noble Grace, Duchess Wilhelmina. She had pushed the goblet into the girl's reluctant hand, had handed the other goblet to her son. Were I to stage a poisoning (not that ever I have, though on several occasions I have been sorely tempted, most especially with my third wife, and well would the harridan have deserved it), I could not have orchestrated it more artfully. Nor did it require the genius of the great Felis el Gato to find Her Most Noble Grace's denials too fervid, particularly in light of the animosity and calculation that had always marked her relations with Montagne.
The poison operated most sinisterly. Never in my remarkable life have I encountered such a malevolent toxin; the many physicians summoned to the palace, experienced in their own way, concurred that the substance baffled them as well. The princess, laid out in the banquet hall in which the couple was to celebrate their union (carried across its threshold by her new husband, a gesture so visibly romantic that I emulated it at my subsequent weddings, and now thanks to my example it is a tradition in several countries, though modern grooms forbear from weeping), was quite obviously expired and could not be revived by any touch, sound, or scent. And yet her heart would occasionally manage one soft beat, and a mirror held to her exquisite lips would, after several minutes, film over, however briefly, with a faint breath of life.
Gladdened as I and others were to observe that the princess had not entirely passed through the gates of death, this situation in its way was even crueler, for it filled our breasts with the intoxication of hope—and hope's torment. Equally tantalizing was the belief that Her Most Noble Grace would divulge the antidote, or at least the poison's name, that the authorities might furnish a cure. The duchess, however, continued to insist to her increasingly skeptical listeners that she had played no role in this intrigue. When at one point her son fell to his knees imploring his mother's help, she berated him in the harshest tones for his histrionics—a response, as I could have warned her if only she had sought my counsel, that blackened her further to the populace, and the emperor.
For many hours the premier minds of the duchy toiled to revive the princess, while I comforted her grieving grandmother, who sat with tears on her cheeks, stroking Wisdom's hand. Only when leeches were produced did Queen Benevolence suspend her mourning long enough to defend her granddaughter's tender flesh from those vampiric invertebrates and the equally vampiric physicians so ghoulishly wielding them. The banquet, laid out in anticipation of a reception that never came to pass, remained untouched on tables adorned with candles and white linens, the ice sculptures melting, the canapés cooling on their heavy silver platters— I reflect in particular on a savory meat pie flavored with raisins and honey that is apparently a great favorite in Montagne, which I can readily understand, as it was absolutely delicious—in fact irresistible.
At last, with many expressions of gratitude at my especial solicitation, the grieving old queen and and her equally grieving grandson-in-law sent us all away, requesting that they be afforded some privacy with the lifeless girl. The duke in fact declared that he himself would sleep in the banquet hall with a troop of his guards, that his bride not lie alone.
Weeping, he kissed her, and for a moment my hope rekindled that his kiss would revive her, as it does in so many children's tales. Oh, woe: it did not. The emperor, too, kissed her in his grandfatherly manner, to no avail. And so each of us went our own sad way, the room emptying into darkness. A day that had begun with such promise concluded with consummate tragedy, for I returned to my private tent to find a note from Tomas resting upon my silk pillow: "Ive heard the news + cannot bear it. Goodbye." My ward—my companion—my brilliant protégé—was gone.
PART IV
THE ENDURING MIGHT OFWISDOM'S KISS
From the Desk of the Queen Mother of Montagne, & Her Cat
My Dearest Temperance, Queen of Montagne,
Oh, Granddaughter, I sit here a prisoner awaiting a verdict, not knowing if I will live or die—nor Dizzy, either!
I know you cannot better our crisis—indeed, I have little faith that these pages will ever reach your desk—yet I must do something, and transcribing the events of these past hours keeps my hands busy, and my mind somewhat preserved from madness.
My last missive, I believe, culminated with our most miserable discovery of the plot against Montagne. I had just sent your letter to the morning post when came a knock to our window: the acrobat Tips, returned at last from the duchess's balcony. He accepted Dizzy's efforts to remove the chill from his bones as I paced, so flummoxed I paid their embrace no heed.
"I could make a Doppelschläferin," Dizzy proffered at one point. Can you imagine? To mention witchcraft, particularly in the presence of one so close to the emperor! Her indiscretion was bested only by her illogic, for how in the world could an insensible double of Princess Wisdom ease the threat of your abdication, or Roger's claim to our throne? If anything, her unconsciousness would strengthen the case for his crowning!
I glared at her, hoping my fury would still her tongue. But too late, for the young man at once seized upon her utterance, saying it quite sounded like magic. Hastily I assured him it was not, causing the lad to chuckle. "Of course not! There's no such thing as magic. Not in Froglock or Bacio or anywhere."
"Nowhere?" your sister asked thoughtfully, as if it were the two of us alone ... then without warning, leapt into the air, overcome by a sudden and mysterious epiphany. Straightaway she seized the lad and demanded to be taken to the emperor! Well! The emperor—so I retorted—had far better pursuits at this hour, not least of which was sleep, and I most certainly did not intend to traipse about Phraugheloch like a burglar. Absorbing her fervor and mine, however, the young man extricated himself from Dizzy's grip, hurled himself out the window, and dashed off—down a ledge no wider than my two hands!
At once I turned on Dizzy. How dare she endanger herself and me and all our country by bandying words that could get us burnt simply by speaking them aloud! She hadn't the wit of Escoffier (who, wisely enough, slept through this) and frankly deserved to be bound to Duke Roger, as she was as stupid as he! Why should I waste my energy ensuring her safety when our kingdom would be far better served by my return to Montagne, where I would at least be heeded!
I might as well have shrieked at the wall, for your sister paid me not the slightest note, instead emptying every drawer and closet in the suite like a madwoman. When once I cornered and shook her, she only shook me in return: "Don't you see? Isn't it obvious?" No, dear Teddy, it was not. She then continued her frantic excavations.
At that point, quite at the height of my raging, the door of our suite cracked silently
open and young Tips slipped in, accompanied most incongruously by an elderly laborer—a kindler, to be exact, complete with basket of twigs to lay the morning fire! Why in heaven's name either of them thought that we desired warming in the midst of this burning tragedy ... then, hearing Dizzy's gasp, I studied anew the old man outfitted in the drab rags of a backstairs domestic, and gasped myself. This was no minion: it was Rüdiger IV, disguised to pass the halls at will!
Little time did I have to absorb this realization, however, before the servant straightened, and with a most unservile air demanded an explanation. Curtseying, Dizzy proffered him the scrap from the Globe d'Or, whispering to herself, "If this burns, then so shall we." Too late I realized her intent, and with a cry of dismay leapt toward her ... as she with a word and a gesture performed the Spell of Elemental Fire.
Immediately flame appeared—dazzling, lapping and flickering, illuminating all the room—cupped in her two hands within the golden cloth, which held the searing fire without mark or stain. We all of us froze as if under enchantment, mesmerized by this spectacle, and myself at least by terror. Slowly the emperor stepped toward your sister, and slowly he reached toward the blaze—though not slowly enough, for his hand jerked back, and he stuck his finger into his mouth. Dizzy at once crumpled the fabric, snuffing the flame. He ordered her repeat her trick, which she did—then commanded she demonstrate whatever other witchery she might know! Scrupulously avoiding my horrified eye, Dizzy sped through Elemental Air, producing a breeze that lifted the flame-filled cloth. "More," he directed, Tips gasping and marveling at this wonder. Dizzy murmured anew, and the golden cloth bearing its implausible freight of fire rose further into the air. Buoyed by the current emanating from her spread hands, the vessel floated high about the room, the flame's heat scorching the ghastly pink cherubs painted upon the ceiling.
The emperor turned to me, his face unreadable. He had not yet—I reassured myself—screamed for guards and executioners; perhaps we might escape this together, unscathed ... but no. For at that moment—as baldly as though my granddaughter were a piece of meat or a flowerpot!—he informed me that he was "claiming this child for circus and empire" (again those dreadful words!) and demanded to know what compensation I wished in return—implying that his generosity in this regard should be swiftly and fervently acknowledged.
Panicked and appalled, terrified for your sister's life, I was unable even to conceive of a response to this cold-blooded monster, but could only collapse, overcome, onto a divan.
Dizzy on the other hand, who by this point was smiling so triumphantly that I feared her face would split in twain, turned to the man and in a most docile and obliging tone responded that Montagne wanted very little: only peace and sovereignty, forever.
Thank goodness I was already seated or I might have fainted outright! The emperor, however, did not flinch. "We should all of us like to see Farina's feathers cut. I had never imagined 'twould be Montagne wielding the shears, but it might work..."
The three of them huddle now plotting, too cautious even to call for water for fear the Phraugheloch staff might learn of their conclave. I would recount their whispers, but the triad refashions their grand plan by the minute. I have been declared too morbid —that is, too practical —to participate in their strategizing; I can only scribble to you.
Granddaughter, never in my life have I so begged the heavens that my words be read! Dizzy vows she will do everything in her power to see this letter delivered. If you do not receive these pages, it can mean only one thing: your sister has died in service to her country, and you and I and all of Montagne—or what is left of Montagne—shall be left to mourn her passing. Gracious, now I am weeping.
Emperor Rüdiger informs us that our suspicions of the mail service are well founded; it is probable that Wilhelmina's tentacles extend into every mail sack, and that you have not been sent any of my letters—and so have no knowledge of the nefarious scheme hatched against our kingdom! It is terrible, my dear—it breaks my heart to report it—but your charming suitor is no more than a poison-tongued viper sent to wheedle you off the throne and place Duke Roger in your stead! Your suitor's wickedness may extend even further, for we can only imagine the murderous lengths to which that hellcat Wilhelmina will go to acquire her family a royal title. Protect yourself, Granddaughter! Put your suitor under constant guard, preferably in a locked and windowless cell, until I return! Test your every mouthful for poison! Trust no one!
Oh, that our family might survive the days to come—you, with an entire kingdom to defend from infernal conspiracy; your sister, who in the next few hours shall face countless awful and unimaginable tribulations; myself, who through Escoffier shattered my vow against magic, a vow I made on pain of death, and I deserve no less than death for profaning it...
Pray for us all, Teddy! Pray hard!
Your terrified grandmother,
Ben
The Supremely Private Diary of Wisdom Dizzy of Montagne
Any Soul Who Contemplates Even Glancing
at the Pages of this Volume Will
Be Transformed into a Toad
Suffer a Most Excruciating Punishment.
On This You Have My Word.
Saturday—afternoon—
We are reunited at last! 'Tis a miracle we have muddled our way thus far—if I survive I shall never again complain about anything & shall paint DO NOT COMPLAIN on the wall in great letters to remind me of how v. bad life can get. Also to remind myself of that moment last night (this morning? It was either v. late or v. v. early) when he said nowhere but in a manner that inspired me to great thought about other countries & Ambh & its Globe d'Or & at once I saw The Truth which has never once before happened in my life that I can recall. I was not certain however that it was The Truth nor were Tips and His Maj & we had no time whatsoever to test our theory as every subsequent moment was taken up with preparing for the wedding! Which I may state was horrible in every possible way! My gown was homely & ill-fitting & so uncomfortable—the Doppelschläferin is welcome to it. And the crowds were terrible—hordes of people goggling b/c they knew I was miserable & trapped—or b/c they were happy for Roger which is just as awful. Plus he spent the entire service whispering how his mother & I would be great friends—words he uttered with a straight face!
Altho thank goodness I didn't hear much I was so anxious while His Maj went on and on about ceremony & duty & who knows what else as I toiled to complete (in front of hundreds of people without anyone noticing!) the Doppelschläferin spell—that is almost complete it—& then hover with my body positively desperate to divide & then as His Maj told everyone to toss their hats right at that moment like a great bird diving for a fish—if that image works which I don't think it does—I grabbed this fish of opportunity & finished the spell & split into two bodies giving my sleeping double a jolly nudge right into Roger while I dove (like a bird!) under the curtain behind us. I'm afraid my D practically knocked him down—it was quite forceful more of a heave really than a nudge—but no one noticed they were all so busy retrieving their hats & then Roger started making such a scene not to mention Nonna Ben wailing like a kettle—I hadn't realized how important it is that a queen know how to act—everyone chattering how the princess had been poisoned & you know who must have done it with the wine.
Imagine! None of us had even thought of pinning it on W! Which of course we wouldn't b/c we didn't know of that Farina marriage-toast tradition—I even tried not to drink it b/c Farina wine is usually terrible as it was today but thank goodness W is so bossy b/c now it's come back to ensnare her! Then I—the awake and hiding half of me that is and jolly glad I was to be awake & incognito—donned the old clothes we'd hidden & everyone was so busy gossiping they didn't even notice one little ragamuffin scurrying thru the streets of Froglock. And there he was waiting for me—just as we'd planned! So nervous because he had no idea if I was alive or dead—he'd heard I'd been poisoned & didn't know what to think—imagine his relief!
And his relief
—our relief both which I can't even describe it was so intense—that I could actually operate the Globe d'Or! For once in my life a plan of mine actually succeeded! My Elemental Fire burns inside the sphere quite merrily from the sound of it—the Globe as energized as a horse tugging its bit which again isn't the best analogy but will have to do—it does respond to Elemental Air better than any horse I've ever had—perhaps I should try magic next time I ride that is if ever we reach ground b/c we are very high up which I am quite aware of from my perch on the Sultan's Throne—tho imagine fancying a sultan would sit here! The seat is so flimsy it's clearly for wizards and only stouthearted wizards at that—I may be the power driving this great hulking balloon but frankly I feel much more like the tail of a kite!
The G. d'O. now makes so much sense once one realizes that it requires magic to operate—it's a wonderful image really the sultan tootling about the skies with his consorts all reclining on pillows as their wizard or magus or jinn or whatever it is they have in Ahmb sitting on the Sultan's Throne and with Fire and Air serving as engine and pilot both. Tho landing presents a bit of a puzzle ... Well we shall cross that bridge or whatever it is one crosses by air when the time comes. We have managed thus far have we not? Yes this is a severely mad misadventure but a grand one because I am still alive!!!
Wisdom's Kiss Page 30
