by Terry Brooks
“I didn’t think this would ever happen to me.” He was feeling giddy, light-headed. “Meeting someone like you. Falling in love like this.”
“But it did. Despite everything.”
“I can hardly believe it. Even now. It feels so strange. Like I don’t deserve it. Like it isn’t real.”
She laughed. “You’ll get used to it.”
He exhaled sharply, filled with wonder. “Good thing you didn’t listen to me when I told you not to come after me. If you’d listened, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
She didn’t say anything, her face suddenly serious. He touched her dirt-streaked cheek. “You saved my life.”
She shook her head slowly. “No, Logan.” She leaned into him, kissing his cheek once more. “I saved my own.”
IT WAS LATE IN THE AFTERNOON, the sun sinking toward the horizon, when Panther finally caught up to her. With Cheney’s help, he had been tracking her since sunrise, the shaggy wolf dog setting a steady pace, big head swinging from side to side, muzzle lowered to the ground. At times, Panther wasn’t so sure that he had the scent. But he knew better than to doubt the dog’s ability, and besides, Cheney was all he had. Without him, he wouldn’t have stood a chance of finding her.
“There she is,” he whispered, almost to himself.
Catalya was walking just far enough ahead that until a few moments ago, she had been lost in the deepening shadows of a rapidly descending twilight. But he could see her clearly enough now to be certain of who she was, a small, cloaked figure outlined against the graying sky.
“C’mon, Cheney,” Panther urged, and picked up the pace.
He caught up to her quickly, pressing hard to close the gap, determined not to lose her to the darkness. She didn’t hear his approach until he was almost on top of her, when the sound of his footsteps or his breathing caught her attention and brought her about. She stood where she was, staring at him with Rabbit crouched guardedly at her feet. The look on her face told him right away that she was not happy he was there.
“So the going got too rough for you back there?” he snapped, deciding to be aggressive about this.
She stood her ground. “Go back, Panther. I don’t want you here.”
“You got a serious attitude problem, little Kitty Cat, you know that?”
“You’re the one with the serious problem. Your ears aren’t working. Didn’t Owl tell you not to come after me?”
“She said.” He gave her a shrug. “I decided maybe you didn’t really mean it. Maybe you was confused about who your real friends were.”
She waved him off, turned around, and started walking again. Panther fell into step beside her with Cheney following. Rabbit hopped along to one side, indifferent to all of them.
“See, Owl told me what was wrong. She told me everything. She laid it right out there, no beating around. You ain’t got to be alone in this, Cat. Some of us want to be there with you. We don’t abandon our friends just because they got a problem.”
He waited for her response, but she stayed silent, moving steadily forward, as if by doing so she might somehow leave him behind. It made him all the more determined.
“Why don’t you want to talk to me about this?” he snapped. “I come all this way to find you, you won’t even talk to me? Bird-Man, he even let me bring Cheney to help find you. That wasn’t something he had to do, but he did it anyway. Shows you something, don’t you think?”
“I don’t think you get it, Panther,” she said wearily.
“Well, why don’t you explain it to me then. I got nothing better to do than listen to you.”
She stopped and stared at him. “Well, you maybe ought to find something better to do and go somewhere else while you’re doing it. How much clearer do I have to be about this?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
She glared at him, but he didn’t move. In frustration she pulled up one sleeve of her shirt. Her arm, once mostly clear of the infection that was apparent elsewhere, was a mass of scaly patches, rough and gray-hued. She thrust it at him as if by doing so he might change his mind about staying, but he refused to move.
“So?” he said.
She dropped her sleeve over her arm. “So, Panther, it’s happening all over my body. Just like that, it started up again. I thought it had stopped. I thought that it might be in remission. No such luck. It‘s come back, and it’s changing me faster than it did earlier. You know what that means, don’t you? You and your street smarts, your vast knowledge of Freaks.”
He almost said something sharp in return, especially when she used the word Freaks as if it were an accusation. But he held his tongue and nodded. “Guess I had that coming. But it doesn’t change things.”
She laughed, bitter and sharp. “Of course it changes things. It changes everything! Within weeks, maybe less, I’ll be one of them. One of the Freaks! I’ll be a Lizard, and when that happens no one who’s still human is going to want to have anything to do with me! Especially you!” She was shaking with rage. “So don’t pretend that what’s happening doesn’t change things! You know it does! I’ve seen what it does, over and over while living with the Senator. If you aren’t human, you aren’t fit to be with humans! That’s just the way it is with people.”
She snatched up Rabbit, turned, and stalked away, but he quickly caught up. “Maybe where you used to live, people was like that. Ain’t so with the Ghosts. You can tell yourself it’s no different, but that don’t make it so. You know that.”
She shook her head. “Where do you come up with this stuff, Panther? You think nothing will change when I’m all scales and Lizard looks? Think again. The Ghosts will quit on me, quick as that. So will you. You might not think so now, but you will. You have to accept that. I’m a Lizard!”
He grabbed her by the shoulders and wheeled her about to face him. “You might be a Lizard on the outside, but you’re still who you always was on the inside. You’re the bravest girl I ever knew, even including Sparrow. You’re smart and strong and ain’t afraid of nuthin’ ’cept things you make up to be afraid about. But you ain’t making me one of them, you hear me? I didn’t come all this way to be told I don’t know how I feel about you. I came because I made up my mind on that subject a long time ago.”
“That right? You made up your mind how you feel about me?” She brushed him aside and began walking again. “What a load.”
“I came to bring you back to your family!” he shouted in rage. “You left your family, Cat! You know that? You walked out on them! They didn’t walk out on you. You walked out on them!”
She didn’t answer, just kept walking. So he kept walking with her, waiting to see how long it would take for her to speak to him again. It took a long time, and when she did, all she said was, “Go home.”
“Can’t do that.”
“Sure you can. Go home.”
“Nope. I’m staying.”
They walked on until it was dark, and neither said another word. Finally, Cat turned into a copse of graying fir and made a place for herself to sit and eat her supper. Panther joined her, pulling out food and water of his own. Rabbit curled up at their feet and began to purr. Cheney lay down nearby and closed his eyes.
The meal was consumed without conversation. Afterward, the pair sat across from each other and exchanged surreptitious glances while the night air grew chilly, the darkness deepened, and the stars came out by the thousands, sprinkling the blackness with bright bits of silvery light. The moon rose above the eastern horizon, orange initially and then white. Be the same moon back at the caravan, Panther thought, and wondered if anyone was missing him yet.
They unrolled blankets and wrapped themselves up, still sitting across from each other, still not speaking. The minutes slipped away, and Panther felt his eyes growing heavy. Maybe her plan was to wait him out, let him fall asleep, and then slip away. Well, it wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t sleep until she did. Even if he had to stay up all night, he wouldn’t sleep. Besides, it didn’t matter if he did
. Cheney would just track her down again if she tried to lose him.
But her stubbornness was frustrating. It made him wonder anew what he was doing out here. If she didn’t want to come back, why was he going to all this trouble to change her mind? Oh, sure, he liked her. He thought she was special, all right. But what was he planning to do if he couldn’t get her to go back? Tell her good luck and give it up? Stick it out? For how long? Days? How long could he afford to stay out here?
“You are so stubborn!” she said suddenly.
Like you ain’t, he thought. But he didn’t say anything.
“I shouldn’t be mad at you,” she continued after a moment. “Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just mad at how things have worked out. Disappointed, I guess. I wanted it all to be over, and now I find out that it won’t ever be over, that I’m not going to be what I was, not ever. That’s hard.”
He nodded again. “Yeah.”
“I just don’t know what you expect me to do.”
“I don’t know what I expect you to do, either,” he admitted. “I was just thinking I’m not really sure what I’m doing out here. I came because I couldn’t let you leave thinking it didn’t make a difference to me. Or to the others, ’cause they care, too. I thought I might persuade you to come back with me, try it out, see how it works. It might not be like you think.”
She studied him a moment, and then she got up, her blanket draped over her shoulders, and sat down beside him, close enough that they were touching shoulders.
“Here’s the thing of it, Panther,” she said. Her mottled face turned toward him, the scales glinting in the moonlight. “When I discovered I was changing again, I didn’t decide right away that I was leaving. I thought about it first. I looked for a way to do just the opposite. I knew how you and the other Ghosts felt about me. I loved being a part of your family. It was what I had wanted for a long time.”
She rubbed her hands together to warm them before tucking them back under the blanket, hugging herself. “But then I realized something. Hawk is taking us to a safe place, sure. But that’s where we’re going to be for a long time. Maybe years, maybe longer. Chances are, there won’t be any going out in the meantime. Not for any reason. ’Cause the world outside’s going to be destroyed.”
His face darkened as he thought of it. “Yeah, guess that’s so.”
“Well, I don’t want to be shut away. I’ve been shut away in one place or another for my entire life. I’ve never been free to travel where I wanted, not until Logan took me away. I don’t think I can give that up. Not under any circumstances. It would be like living in a compound. I don’t want that. And what happens if after I’ve changed and become a Lizard, no one wants me around except maybe you and the other Ghosts and maybe Logan? What if all the Lizards are made to live in one place because everyone else is afraid of them? Because that’s how it’s been in the world before, hasn’t it? Why should it be any different this time? Humans are already afraid of Lizards, aren’t they? So how is this going to work once I’m a full-blown Lizard girl?”
He shook his head. “Don’t know. But at least you’ll be alive.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said, at first. If the world is going to be destroyed, maybe this place we’re going to is all that will be left. But maybe not. Maybe there will be something else, too. I mean, ask yourself this. Is there really something that can destroy everything? That’s never happened. The world goes on, no matter how bad things get. Life changes? That’s a constant. Species die out, species are born, like that. You know. Owl must have read something about this to you.”
“Well, yeah, but . . .”
“I have to consider what life will be worth if the safe place we’re going to becomes like a prison. Or a place that feels like a prison, anyway. To me, the little Lizard girl. I don’t want to live like that. That’s not living, that’s dying by inches. I would rather have it all end at once than go into a place I couldn’t get out of and ended up hating. I would rather be free for whatever time I have left.”
She took a deep breath. “So that’s why I left. I made a choice, but it wasn’t made for the reasons I’ve been saying. Not really. Not if I’m honest with myself. I told you stuff that I wanted you to believe. I thought that it would make it easier for you to let me go. I know you’d stand by me. All of you. I know it doesn’t matter to you what I become or how I look.”
“Good,” he said. “Better. That’s better. At least, it makes me feel better.” He hunched forward. “But you really think that it won’t work, going back? You really think it might be like a prison?”
“It’s going to end up being a confined space. There will be boundaries and rules. There will be limits on where you can go and what you can do. I don’t want that. I can’t live with it. Even with the possibility of it.”
“So where are you going?”
“North. Fewer people, more open space, less likelihood of disease, pollution, militia, all the rest. Space enough to get lost in, to find a new life.”
“Cold up there.”
She stared at him. “I know what’s up there. I know what I’m facing. You choose your poison in this world, Panther. You don’t get a guarantee of safe passage anywhere.”
They sat together in silence again after that, lost in separate thoughts. After a while, Panther reached over and put his arm around her, and she leaned into him. “You mind if I stay with you for tonight?” he asked her.
“I wish you would.”
A little while later, they nestled down together with the blankets wrapped close about them. They lay spoon-fashion for warmth, with Panther pressed up against her from behind. When he reached up and gently touched the scales on her cheek, she did not move his hand away.
THEY ROSE WITH THE DAWN, ate their breakfast, and packed their gear. When everything was ready, they shouldered their packs and stood looking at each other awkwardly. The sun was a bright glow across the eastern mountains, and the air was bright and clear and sharp with the cold wind blowing down from the north. Cheney stood nearby, watching them.
Panther shivered. “So you really gonna do this, huh?”
She nodded. Rabbit romped past, chasing a moth. She reached down and picked up the cat and cradled him to her. “Good-bye, Panther. Tell the others . . . tell them whatever you think is best.”
“Well, let’s you and me talk about that.”
She shook her head, holding out one hand in warning. “Don’t start. I told you. I’m not going back.”
“Okay, I got that.”
“What, then?”
He shrugged. “Been thinking. Last night, while you slept, I was awake awhile, going over everything you said. It made me look at things different than I did before. See, you and me, we’re more alike than you know. I don’t like being closed away, either. I’m used to doing what I want, going where I want, not having any rules that I don’t like. Makes me different from Hawk and the others. They like having rules. They like having walls and doors and feeling safe. I wasn’t raised like that. I’ve always been free. Thinking about what I’m doing, maybe committing to living in a place that’s like a compound, makes me uneasy. More than uneasy, really.”
Her brow furrowed. “What are you saying?”
“That I don’t think I’m going back, either. I’m going with you.”
She stared at him without speaking. She clasped her hands and twisted the fingers together.
“Maybe this sounds crazy,” he continued, “but it’s not. It makes sense. Anyway, it’s more than that. I was wondering why I came after you, remember? Told you that last night. Well, I think it’s because I knew somewhere deep inside that I wanted to be with you. Only way to make that happen is to go where you go.”
“No.” She shook her head firmly. “You don’t want to go with me. You want to go back to the others. They need you. I don’t.”
He smiled. “Thought you’d say something like that. But I don’t think it’s true. I think you do need me.”
She sighed an
d turned away. “Good-bye, Panther.”
She started walking, but he caught up with her in seconds. “We got to find some warmer clothes along the way. Forage for some food and water, too. I brought a map. Took it from the caravan stores, thinking I might find use for it. It can help us locate a city somewhere along the way, someplace large enough for stores and stuff.”
“You’re not coming with me,” she repeated.
“Probably not right away. Probably I’m just going in the same direction.”
“This is crazy.”
“No, it ain’t. Not when you care about someone like I care about you.”
They walked for a while with neither of them speaking further. Catalya was huddled down inside her cloak and hood, and Panther could barely catch a glimpse of her face. He let her be. Better to wait on this, he thought.
Then all of a sudden she stopped where she was, set Rabbit on the ground, and turned to face him. He could see the tear tracks on her cheeks. “You understand, we can’t ever have a normal . . . not ever be like other . . .” She couldn’t finish. She just shook her head in frustration. “It can’t ever be more than what it is right now. For us. For you and me.”
He shrugged. “Guess we’ll have to wait and see. I don’t need to know about that right now anyway.” He reached out and wiped away one damp track from her cheek. “But if that’s how it turns out, that will be enough. I ain’t asking for anything else.”
She studied him again, as if trying to see past whatever was visible, and then she nodded slowly. “I see you brought your Parkhan Spray. The barrel’s sticking out of your backpack. You must have broken it down to carry it like that.”
“Yeah, I did,” he admitted.
“You have to promise you won’t use it unless I tell you to.”
“Hey, this is your journey, Kitty Cat. You the one in charge. I’m just along for company.”
“What about the other Ghosts? What about your family? They’re going to wonder what’s happened to you, aren’t they?”
He shook his head. “They’re smarter than they look. They’ll know.”
