“Forever is supposed to mean forever,” I mumble. “I don’t understand, Jasper.” My voice turns from uncertainty to anger. “Why go through all of this just to break up with me? And, why invite all our friends to witness it? I can’t believe you would do this to me. Are you still pissed about me kissing Jason? It didn’t mean anything. I’m sorry I said Josh was hot. I’m not into him, I promise.”
Jasper shakes his head as tears stream down his face. “My dad is dying,” he cries.
My roller coaster of emotions has now crashed head first into despair. “Dying?”
Jasper nods his head. “Josh got a call from him today. He has cancer -- stage four. The doctors have only given him a few more weeks.”
“Did you know?” I ask. “How come you never told me he was sick?”
“I didn’t know,” Jasper responds as he sniffles his nose, trying to keep it together. “He was healthy when we moved here. Or, seemed to be, anyway.”
Wrapping my arms around his trembling body, I pull him close. His walls crumble as his tears begin to soak my shoulder and loud sobs escape from his lips. My heart breaks inside knowing there is absolutely nothing I can say in this moment to help, so instead, I sit in silence and allow him to break down.
“You need to be with him, Jasper,” I instruct, even though I don’t want him to leave.
He pulls away from my grasp, and uses the collar of his shirt to dry the tears that have soaked his cheeks. His sobs begin to diminish, and he sits in silence, his chin resting on his bent knee. “Josh and I are leaving in the morning, Riss. Mom already got us plane tickets. I don’t know when we’ll be back.”
Shock overtakes my body and leaves me speechless. The lake keeps my attention, as the moon casts its reflection upon the water. Tiny ripples float across the surface, colliding with any sticks or rocks in their path. We are both silent, and I am hoping the universe will give me some kind of strength to get through this without saying the wrong thing. I know I need to be strong for him, so I ignore my own emotions and shove them deep down into the dark abyss of my soul. “It’s where you need to be,” I encourage, as much as it’s killing me inside.
Dakota meanders over from the fire pit. “The guys and I want to do something special,” she says softly. “You two interested?”
I use my sleeve to wipe Jasper’s cheeks before offering him a kiss on the forehead and resting my head on his shoulder. “Depends,” I respond. Dakota must know what’s going on, I saw Josh standing by the fire pit when I was waiting for Jasper to tell me the news. I’m annoyed with her presence during this emotional conversation. “What is it?”
“The guys want to make a time capsule to talk about where we will be in ten years – to take a break from the agony of right now. We aren’t sure how long Jasper and Josh will be in California, so it might be our last night together for a while. In a decade, we will all meet up back here and open it.”
I stare at Jasper, allowing him to make the decision. He pushes himself to a stand and brushes the sand off his pants. Reaching his arm out toward me, he opens his palm to help me up. “I’ll go get some paper from my house,” he says with little emotion.
“I actually have a jewelry box I bought from a yard sale in the trunk of my car that might work. I think we can even put a lock on it.”
Dakota offers a smile; the kind of smile people give widows at funerals; the kind of smile someone provides when you tell them your dog passed away; the uncertainty of what to say in a moment of unbearable sadness.
Jasper slowly walks across the beach as everyone remains silent, dropping their heads and refusing to make eye contact. I hold his hand, as a form of quiet compassion. My heart is breaking, knowing that this might be our final night together for the foreseeable future, but I can’t communicate that with him; I can’t put more on his shoulders than he is already trying to bear. This can’t be about me, or us, right now.
We make our way through the ivy bushes and up the rock stairway. So much joy usually consumed our faces on this five minute walk to and away from his house, but now it will be stained with this memory, possibly forever. The hammock swings empty on my left; the hammock that held the rose that now lies on the beach, alone. Jasper holds my hand loosely, and I wonder how long it will be until he lets go completely.
“I’m going to go inside and look for some paper,” he says, allowing my fingers to fall away from his. “You can go to your car and get that thing you said about.”
Nausea hits me and the walls I built are starting to crumble, unable to handle this amount of grief. Part of the reason I fell for Jasper was his ability to fill any situation -- any awkward silence -- with joy. I’m not sure I’m equipped to be the one who has to lift him up. I shuffle my feet to the car and open the trunk. Feeling faint, I sit on the bumper and take a few deep breaths. Jasper’s mom pulls in the driveway just as I begin to regain my composure.
“Hey, Karissa,” she says in a somber tone. “Did Josh fill you in on the news?”
I nod my head, unable to form any words without blubbering into tears.
“I’m so sorry, Hun. I know you are special to Jasper. It will be very difficult for him to leave you behind. But, it’s something we have to do.”
“I know,” I respond. “I just don’t know what to say.”
Jeanette strolls closer. She studies me with her eyes as she stands before me. My lip begins to quiver and I lift my hand to cover it before she notices. In one swift movement, she places her bags on the ground and wraps me in her arms. Her long braid pushes against my forehead as I allow the sadness to take over and sob onto her chest.
“You don’t have to say anything, Hun. This is bigger than you. Just be there for him the best you can. It’s all you really can do. He will have to find his way. It’s not something you can fix, or make better for him. He has to face it.”
Snot runs out of my nose onto my lip. Embarrassed, I wipe it away with my sleeve before Jeanette notices. “I’m sorry,” I whimper.
“Nothing to be sorry about, my dear. You have made my son very happy, and are such a nice young lady. I’m glad that he has met you. You guys will figure things out. It may not be easy, but the good things never are.”
Jeanette pulls back and looks me in the eye, judging my level of sanity. “Ok, you’ve let it out. Now, when you go inside, you need to suck it up. Jasper is weak and vulnerable. You need to be strong for him. You need to be his rock through this. If you must break down, do it when you’re alone. Do you understand?”
I take a deep breath and blow it out. “Yes,” I respond as I fix my posture and wipe under my eyes with my snot covered sleeve. I bend down and grab one of Jeanette’s bags from the gravel, helping her carry it inside.
She swings open the screen door, “Jas, I’m home!” she boasts. “I got you some of that bologna you like. We can make sandwiches to take on the plane tomorrow.”
I walk past her and through the house to find Jasper. Rounding the corner, I notice his body bent into the fetal position on his bed. Slowly, I enter his room. “Jasper?” I whisper.
I can hear his faint sob, and I push myself forward even though everything in my body is telling me to bolt. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I gently rub his back, offering my silent support. He rolls over, and wraps his arms around my waist, crying into my hip. “How am I going to get through this without you, Riss?” he asks.
Even though I can’t physically be in California with him, I will always be his rock, just like Jeanette said. “You’ll never be without me, Jasper. Never. I’ll be a phone call away. We can talk to each other all the time.”
His sobs begin to slow, and Jeanette calls to him from the kitchen. With a soft kiss to my cheek, Jasper folds his arms across his chest and exits the room. Next to me on the bed lies a pad of pastel colored paper and a pen. I bite off the lid with my teeth and think about where I hope to be in ten years.
Jasper and I will be married. We will be living at Hemlock Lake and be happy. We are soulmates.
Forever is forever.
Folding the paper in half, I shove it into the box, hidden from any wandering eyes. Pure confidence is wrapped in that piece of paper, knowing with absolute certainty in my heart that the words written on it will come true.
Jasper calls to me from the kitchen, “You ready to head back down?” he asks. I place the box under my arm and grab the rest of the paper and pens. Heading down the pathway, I follow Jasper through the ivy and try to take a mental memory of how it feels to be holding hands with the love of my life.
Chapter 15
“How is your dad?” I ask through the phone. Communication with Jasper slows with every day that passes. His calls have gone from three times a day, to once a day, to even less now. I’m clinging desperately to our relationship as I watch it fall through my fingertips.
“Not good,” he whispers. “The hospice nurses are coming twice a day now. He’s stopped eating and drinking. He can’t talk. He sleeps most of the time. It’s only going to be a few more days, probably.”
I’ve tried to be supportive. But how do I support someone who is watching their father die? I sit silently on my end of the phone, wracking my brain trying to figure out something to say. Not one word travels from my brain through my lips.
“I gotta go, Riss. My mom needs help changing him.”
Desperation overtakes his voice. I can tell he’s drained both physically and emotionally. There is nothing I can say to help him. “Ok,” is all I manage to force out.
“Ok,” he replies and the call ends.
I stare at the black screen, wishing I would’ve handled things better. Knowing I’m falling short has caused immense insecurity in myself and in us. Nothing I am doing is working, and our relationship is barely hanging by a thread. If it wasn’t for the fleeting calls, Jasper probably would’ve already broken up with me.
Three weeks ago, we had something everyone was jealous of. We had a relationship I didn’t even think I deserved. It was too good to be true, and apparently the universe had to remind us of that fact. Now, I can barely create sentences when Jasper finds the strength to call. I’ve failed him in so many ways through this and I cannot blame him for slipping away.
Instead of sitting around, sulking in my relationship failures, I decide to go see Dakota. I haven’t hung at the lake much since Jasper left, and she’s been begging me to make an appearance. I shove a pair of pajamas and a change of clothes into a small book bag and head out the door, hoping a night with a friend will put some optimism back into my soul.
It’s Sunday night dinner, and the house smells like Chicken Parmigiana as I walk through the door. All the windows are open, and the summer breeze blows my ponytail into the side of my face. As I round the top of the stairs, a roll hits me in the temple.
“’Bout time you show your face around here!” Paul yells from the kitchen. “We can’t even remember what you look like.”
I grab the roll from the floor and throw it back at him, hitting him in the hip. “Very funny!”
“Karissa? Is that you?” Dakota says as she pulls her bedroom door closed behind her. “I swore I heard your voice, but I don’t see you anywhere.” She walks down the hallway and straight past me as if I’m invisible.
I roll my eyes, “Man, you two are just full of the jokes today, aren’t ya?”
They laugh in unison.
“You make it so easy, lady!” Dakota says as she plops down on the couch. “Talk to Jasper lately?”
“Dang, girl, way to cut right to the chase.” I didn’t expect Dakota to bring Jasper up at all, let alone within the first two seconds of my arrival. No one usually likes to talk about people dying.
“He means a lot to all of us, Hun. We just want to make sure he is ok.”
“I don’t really know,” I respond while taking a seat next to her.
“You don’t know?” she repeats. “Don’t you guys talk every day?”
“Not anymore,” I mumble. “Things are falling apart and I don’t know what to do.” Tears begin to plummet down my face, and I don’t even care if everyone sees.
Dakota grabs a box of tissues from the end table and offers me one. “It’ll get better, Riss. Jasper will return once this is all over, and you guys can get back on track. This isn’t forever.”
“No, we won’t,” I cry. “Things will never be the same because Jasper will never be the same. You don’t just bounce back after watching your father die. This is something that will probably change him forever. Maybe, I won’t even like the Jasper that comes out of this. Maybe, he won’t even like me. I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone I love. How can I even understand what he is going through?”
Dakota remains silent as Paul joins us on the couch. “We were going to wait until after Keith got here to give you this, Karissa, especially since it was his idea. But, I think now is as good of a time as any.”
I’m confused. “Give me what?” I ask.
Paul pulls and envelope from his pocket and hands it to me. It’s sealed on the back and plain on the front. “What is this?” I ask, annoyed.
“Just open it!” Dakota demands. “Then you will find out.”
I peel open the envelope, wondering if it’s a DNA ancestry kit and trying to figure out when Dakota was able to swab the inside of my cheek without me noticing. Maybe she pulled some of my hairs off of her brush after we got ready that night before Jasper left. I rip open the envelope and dump its contents onto my lap.
“What is this?” I wonder, as I investigate further.
“Duh,” Dakota barks. “It’s a plane ticket to go see your boyfriend.”
I’m speechless. My mouth drops open as a million thoughts enter my mind. I spit them out before filtering any of them. “I have to fly by myself? Did you even check with my parents? How will I get to his house after I get off the plane? Does he know I’m coming? What if he doesn’t want me there? Does his mom know I’m coming? I’ve never seen someone who was dying before. What if I say the wrong thing? How much shampoo can I bring on the plane?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Paul yells as he stands and walks into the kitchen to stir the sauce. “Calm down there, woman. Enjoy the fact that you are getting to go. Besides, Keith is going, too. He knew you would panic about going alone. He’s already talked to Josh. He’s going to help him fix up some stuff at their Dad’s place so they can sell it once he passes. You will be able to spend all your time with Jasper without being nervous about being there alone. Keith took care of both his grandparents when they passed a few years back. He’s no stranger to this whole thing.”
A sigh of relief busts through my clenched lips. I begin to whimper, overwhelmed with emotion. “I don’t know what to say,” I respond.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Keith declares from the front door. “We will eat dinner. You will go home and pack, get no sleep, and fly on a plane for six hours tomorrow. Then, after 23 days of torture of not being able to hold the love of your life while he’s hurting, you will be in his arms. He needs you, Karissa. So, I’m taking you to him.”
I rush over to Keith and wrap my arms around him. He squeezes me until no breath is left in my lungs. “Thank you,” I whisper into his chest.
“It’s what best friends do, Riss.”
***
After what feels like an eternity, we are standing on the front steps of Jasper’s father’s house. A white van sits in the driveway with the words Santa Cruz Hospice written in blue. The garage door is open and a forest-green Volvo wagon gawks at us. Sudden fear overtakes my excitement. “What if he’s pissed I came all the way out here?”
Keith wraps his arm around my shoulder. “Everything will be fine, Karissa. I promise.”
I allow Keith to climb the steps first, hiding behind him while he knocks. The door is solid wood with etched glass at the very top. The numbers 6389 hang horizontally to the right of the frame. The curtain of the front window swings and Jeanette’s face appears behind it. Within moments, the door slides open and h
er arms wrap around both of us. “I’m so glad to see you guys. Come in, Come in! The boys will be ecstatic to see you, too!”
We shuffle into the living room. Jeanette calls to the guys and they both emerge in record time. Jasper and I lock eyes for the first time in over three weeks and his bottom lip begins to quiver. Before he can say a word, I run to him and he collapses in my arms. We both fall to the floor, and emotion overtakes us. I can hear Keith and Jeanette talking before they leave the room and head downstairs to where Jasper’s dad is staying.
“I’m here now,” I whisper into his ear.
Jasper kisses me and I melt in his embrace all over again. The distance that has formed between us with time has been forgotten instantly. He takes my hand and leads me into the kitchen. “Do you want something to drink?” he asks as he pulls a glass from the cabinet and a jug of water from the fridge.
“Sure,” I respond glancing around the room. Bright blue walls are adorned with seashells, boat anchors, and mounted fish. A bay window offers a slight view of the ocean through an alleyway, and a surfboard serves as the dining room table with three folding chairs around it.
Jasper smiles as he watches me explore. “My dad lives and breathes the ocean,” he explains. “It was always something he was passionate about. Being back here made me realize how much it’s a part of me, too. It was something I didn’t expect to miss so much when we moved to Hemlock.”
I glance down at the cup of water in my hand, unsure of how to respond. “Does that mean you’re staying in California for good?”
Jasper stares at me with hesitation. “Too expensive,” he blurts out. “Josh and I really have no idea what we are going to do with Dad’s house, but there’s no way either of us could afford it while we finish out high school. And Mom refuses to live in Cali. She loves it at Hemlock, far away from here and all the memories.”
I take a sip and force down any words that even think about exiting my lips. “How is your dad doing?” I ask, changing the subject.
The Hemlock Girl Page 10
