Lying back on the carpet, I stare at the ceiling. “How did we get here?” I whisper through the darkness, hoping that the words will travel 3000 miles and land in Jasper’s ears. Waiting for a response, I roll onto my side and eventually drift off into a restless sleep.
***
My phone vibrates just before sunrise, and I hurry to answer it while I wipe my eyes.
“Jeanette!? Is he ok?” I blurt out.
“Good morning, Karissa. He’s alive. He’s in ICU still. He hasn’t really woken up yet to talk so I don’t have any other answers for you. But, besides now developing pneumonia from the procedure, he’s doing ok.”
I allow a deep breath of relief to finally fill my lungs. “Do you have any idea why he did it?”
Jeanette hesitates before she answers. “Well, probably for the same reason anyone attempts suicide, Karissa -- to end the pain.”
I’m irritated with how effortlessly she talks about it. “Were there any signs he was thinking about doing this?” I wonder, hoping she will offer some sort of clarity.
“Nothing out of the ordinary.”
I doubt her judgement and am angry at her poor parenting skills. “Well, maybe you should’ve paid more attention.”
“Karissa,” she scolds. “I know you’re hurt and frustrated and in a bad place right now, but blaming me for a choice that Jasper made is not going to make you feel better. He chose to take those pills, no one helped him. Now, you can either be supportive of where we go from here, or you can get lost in what already happened. It’s your choice. But, I’m not going to play this game with you. You are either here for him, or you’re not, and that’s something only you can decide.”
I heed her words and swallow my pride. “Fine.”
“I will keep you updated the best I can. Hang tight.” Jeanette hangs up and I’m left staring at my home screen. Maybe this thing is more than I’m cut out to handle. Maybe the best choice for me, and for Jasper, would be to let him go.
Chapter 18
Three months have passed since Jasper tried to kill himself. I haven’t spoken directly to him in that time frame because he went straight from the hospital to an inpatient facility for a minimum of ninety days. The only people who were allowed to visit were family, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to see him, anyway.
“Maybe it’s time you tried dating again,” Dakota wonders aloud while flipping through her science homework.
“How do you just date again after meeting your soulmate?” I ask. “Jasper and I were perfect for each other. I’m not sure anyone else could even hold a candle to him.”
“You don’t know unless you try,” she says with a deep exhale.
“Jasper and I never had closure. I would need to know that it’s over before I even tried to move on – which I’m not even sure I would fully be able to do.”
Pushing a bag of potato chips toward me, Dakota swings her left leg up and under her. “Have you thought about going to see him?” she asks, popping a chip in her mouth.
“I’m not allowed. Family only,” I respond, pushing the bag back toward her.
“Paul said after ninety days, friends can visit. He and Keith were planning to take a trip out there next week during break. Maybe you could tag along if you ask real nice,” she says with a wink. “I actually think Jason is going, too. It’s in Ohio, so it’s drivable. They are staying in a hotel overnight. You’ll have to share a bed with one of them, probably. Who ya pickin’?” she asks with an elbow to my ribs.
I roll my eyes. “My parents wouldn’t let me go see him when he was in the hospital, you really think they will let me go on a road trip with three teenage boys to go see my boyfriend who is in rehab because he tried to commit suicide?”
Dakota shrugs her shoulders, “If you don’t ask, you’ll never know.”
I step outside to call my mom as Keith drives by. A few minutes later, I meander over to his house. “So, you need a fourth person for your road trip?” I ask.
Keith smiles. “No way, Riss! You’re coming with?”
I nod my head, “Mom said as long as I add a GPS tracker app to my phone, and I call her constantly, and I get my own hotel room … I can go.”
Keith wraps me in a giant bear hug. “I’m so glad. Jasper is going to shit a brick when he sees you.”
“You’re not going to tell him I’m coming?” I question.
“Nah, it’ll be more fun to see the giant smile on his face when you walk through the door. He will want to leave that place and come home, finally. You’re exactly what he needs.”
Unsure of Keith’s idea, I voice my worries. “What if he doesn’t want to see me? I haven’t talked to him since it happened. I haven’t even really talked to Jeanette. I think she’s still pissed at me for blaming her. This might be a horrible idea.” I fiddle with my shirt as I follow Keith inside.
He pulls me over to the couch. “Karissa,” he starts, yanking me down next to him. “The last time you saw Jasper, he gave you that,” he says, pointing to the ring on my finger. “You guys are soulmates. You are going to be together forever. Sometimes, life gives you lemons. You might not always be able to make lemonade, but at least you won’t get scurvy.”
I wrinkle my eyebrows. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Keith shrugs his shoulders. “Hell if I know, but it should be on a billboard, that’s for sure.”
Confused at where this conversation is heading, I steer us back on track. “Fine, I’ll go with and you can keep it a secret, but I’m riding shotgun.”
“Deal.”
***
It takes over eight hours for us to make the trip to Ohio – not nearly long enough for me to find the courage to actually get out of the car as we pull into the parking lot. “You guys go ahead. I just need a minute.”
“Karissa,” Jason says as he leans forward and places his hand on my shoulder. “If we are doing this, it needs to be together.”
“Yeah, we got you,” Paul adds as he pushes open the door.
Keith rounds the front and opens my door from the outside. “Let’s go scare away scurvy,” he laughs.
I roll my eyes, “That’s such a stupid joke.”
“Eh, I never claimed I was funny. I usually go for the giant teddy bear concept, instead.”
I force my right foot to step onto the blacktop, unsure if my left will follow. Keith’s hand sits, palm open, mid-air in front of my face, waiting for me to offer mine in return.
“C’mon, Riss. I got you.”
With a deep breath, I offer my hand and he pulls me out of the car. “Here goes nothin’,” I murmur.
Following the guys into the facility, Jeanette greets us in the lobby. She offers a hug to each member of the gang, before realizing my presence. “Karissa?” she asks, walking toward me. Her arms open and she offers a warm embrace – complete opposite of what I was expecting. “I’m so glad you came.”
“Really?” I ask.
She pushes back, and looks me in the eye. “Of course.”
I offer a soft smile and lean in for a genuine hug. “It’s nice to see you.”
“Ok,” she says. “Now that that’s out of the way, I can only take one person back at a time. The doctor doesn’t want Jasper to get overwhelmed. He’s learning how to handle his emotions, but it’s still a work in progress. Who’s first?”
Everyone turns and looks at me. “No way!” I exclaim. “I am not going first. Nope. Not happening.”
Paul places his hand on my shoulder, “No worries, Riss, I’ll go first.”
I let out a deep breath and take a seat on a nearby bench. Jeanette takes Paul’s hand and leads him into the back.
“What was that about?” Keith asks, taking a seat next to me. The bench squeaks as he shifts his weight trying to get comfortable.
“I don’t know,” I respond. “I’m just nervous, I guess. Lots of thoughts going through my head. I’m not sure what to say, or what he will say. Do you think Paul will tell him that I’m here?�
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Keith shakes his head, “No, we aren’t telling him you are here. You can do that on your own, Riss. I already told you that. You need to get yourself together.”
Jason walks over with three cups of coffee. “What are you guys talking about?”
I retrieve a cup from his hand. “Nothing.”
He blows onto his coffee. “Jeez, Riss. I thought we were cool.”
Keith excuses himself to the bathroom and Jason jumps at the opportunity to take his seat. “Look,” he starts. “I know things are always going to be weird between us because I’m insanely awesome and you find it hard to keep your hands off of me, but I’m cool with being just friends -- really. There’s no hard feelings or anything like that, Riss. I respect you and Jasper. You guys are really good for each other and you make him so freakin’ happy. I wouldn’t want to come between that.”
It feels good to clear the air. “You’re a good guy, Jason. I’m glad Jasper has such a good friend like you.”
He offers me a wink as Keith returns from the bathroom.
“Everything ok?” I ask.
“Yeah, I get tummy trouble when I’m nervous,” Keith responds.
“You? Nervous?” I laugh. “I didn’t know Mr. Mellow got nervous.”
“Not nervous for me, Riss. I’m nervous for you. I hope Jasper can give you what you need and that you love him as much as you did. This kind of stuff can really change a person, and I have no idea what we are going to find when we walk in that room.”
Now, I’m panicking. Every fear I had, Keith has just brought into the forefront. “Please stop talking,” I scold as I stand up and walk outside. The November air is brisk, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Brown, yellow, and red leaves line the pavement, and a slight morning frost still sits atop blades of grass that hide in the shade. A single crow squawks from a birch tree across the street, and my heart drops.
“Karissa,” Jeanette yells from the open door. “He’s asking for you.”
“I thought we weren’t telling him I was here?” I question through clenched teeth.
“We didn’t,” she responds. “He asked if you came, we couldn’t lie. Are you ready to see him?”
I close my eyes and breathe in one more deep breath of icy air hoping it will freeze my emotions for a little while. I plead with my feet to move, but they resist. “What do I do?”
Jeanette exits the building and allows the door to close. Tightening her sweater, she crosses her arms and hurries toward me. “Karissa, you suck up whatever crap you’re going through right now. You walk through those doors and into Jasper’s room. You listen to what he has to say, and you go from there. If you don’t go in, you will never know what the future holds for you two and it will torment your mind. So, take one more breath and get in there because I’m tired of you messing with my kid. You’re either in, or you’re out.”
I’m taken aback by her tone. I knew she hadn’t forgiven me. “Ok,” is all I can force out. As I follow her down the hallway, I remember the night Jasper and I finally connected. I’m all in. We make a left into room twenty-three and Jasper is sitting in the corner chair, staring out the window into the courtyard.
“Good luck,” Jeanette whispers as she backs out of the doorway.
Everything inside of me wants to flee. I want to disappear out that doorway and back home in an instant. I don’t want him to turn around and see me standing here. I don’t want to have the conversation that I’m anticipating.
“Karissa?” he asks. “What are you doing here?”
Something about his voice calms me and I’m not sure what I was so nervous about. It’s Jasper; the love of my life. How could any of this be bad?
“Yeah, it’s me,” I respond as I slowly make my way across the room. I lean against the windowsill, and stare at Jasper. His short hair is a bit longer than it was last time I saw him, but still styled with gel into a spikey mess. His grey hoodie rests atop his head, and it’s taking everything I have not to push it down. Between his fingers, sits an electronic cigarette that smells like watermelon every time he takes a puff. A pair of pajama pants covers his legs and his feet are stacked on top of one another inside brown slippers. The arms of the chair he’s sitting in are worn where his elbows rest.
“Why are you here?” he asks again, getting frustrated that I haven’t answered yet.
I move in closer, hoping that he will turn to me. “I’m here to see you, silly.”
Jasper takes a puff of his e-cig, and leans away from me. “You shouldn’t have come, Karissa.”
I take a step back. “You don’t want to see me?” I ask, fearing his answer.
He turns his head. His soft blue eyes have turned a cold grey. The lips he once allowed so many laughs to escape from have become thin and narrow, holding any potential smile hostage. The hands that I so desperately wanted to hold at any given moment are clenched on his lap, unwilling to open for anyone or anything. “No,” he responds, bluntly. “Please leave.”
Confused, I begin to back away. “Jasper?”
He turns and stares back out the window. My lips quiver as I watch the love of my life slip away, unable to do anything to stop it. “I guess forever didn’t mean forever.” Without another word, I slip out the door and past everyone waiting in the lobby. Unable to speak, I run out of the building and into a nearby field. Keith follows me, struggling to keep up.
“Karissa, wait!” he yells from behind.
“No!” I scream. “Why did you make me come here? He doesn’t want me! I’m probably the reason he was trying to kill himself in the first place!” My voice shakes as I try to convey my frustration, fear, and sadness. I trip over a tree root and fall to the freshly fallen snow covering the grass. Keith grabs me on the biceps and lifts me to a stand.
“Karissa,” he says forcing me to look at him. “You are not the reason that kid tried to kill himself and you never will be. And, if he made you think that way, then he’s an ass. You don’t deserve what he’s doing to you. I don’t know why he’s doing this to you, actually. You need to move on. The Jasper you fell in love with is not the Jasper that’s sitting in that room. He probably never will be again. And, the new Jasper is not the right person for you.”
I begin to sob in his arms as a strong wind starts to blow, turning my tear-soaked face cold.
“Let me go see him quick, then we will go to the hotel and you can get some rest, ok?” he asks.
“Fine,” I respond, pulling the keys from his pocket. “I’ll wait in the car.”
***
Two more months pass and Jasper never comes home. Jeanette decided to move back to California into Jasper’s Dad’s house with the boys once he gets out of rehab, and she’s rented out the house at Hemlock. I understand that I will probably never see Jasper again and surprisingly, I’m learning to accept it.
“Hey, Riss?” Dakota asks from beside me on her bed.
“Yeah?” I respond, lifting my head from my math book.
She points to my finger. “Are you gonna take that thing off?”
I inhale a deep breath. “I don’t know what to do with it. Jasper told Keith he didn’t want it back. I don’t want to throw it away or pawn it. So, it just sits there, on my finger, rejected.”
“Let’s go for a walk,” Dakota says, slamming my book closed.
“Kota, it’s freezing out.”
“Then, I guess you better dress warm,” she laughs throwing a beanie at me.
I begrudgingly follow her outside. We meander down the road, past Keith’s house and make a left. “No way,” I say, turning back around. “I’m not going past his house.”
“Oh, yes you are,” Dakota demands grabbing my sleeve. “You need to face this thing. Besides, I have to grab something from down at the rec building and I’m not walking all the way around the lake to get there. So, get over it.”
I close my eyes, hoping I can judge the distance correctly. I fail, and open them directly outside of the front gate. My tire tracks
have disappeared off of the shoulder, and the latch on the fence is now locked. I stare at Jasper’s bedroom window, falling into the memory of the morning I came to talk to him and we finally started our relationship.
“You comin’?” Dakota yells from ahead.
I snap out of my daydream and jog to catch up.
“See,” she says. “Wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be.”
My boots hit the sandy beach, and the sensation is odd. I struggle to walk gracefully as Dakota unlocks the door to the rec building.
“I’ll only be a couple minutes. You wanna come in?” she asks.
An oak tree in the distance catches my eye, its bare branches waving in the breeze over the crystal water. “No, I have something I need to do.”
Dakota looks at me, puzzled. “Ok,” she says questionably.
Once Dakota heads inside, I push through the sand and enter the forest. So many memories are hitting me like bullets, one after another, piercing my heart. I consider turning around and heading back, but I force myself to continue on. At the edge of the water, I rest my hand on the grey bark of an oak tree; our oak tree. The wood where Jasper carved the heart that held our names has turned dark. I place my hand over top of the words, hoping to feel some sort of relief, knowing that it was real. Instead, immense sadness fills my soul. “How did we get here?” I say aloud.
Staring down at the ring on my finger, I decide now is the time for closure. I pull the string from my hoodie, and loop the ring through it. With little hesitation, I tie the string to a branch just above Jasper’s carving. “Here is where our love can stay, forever. Because in a tree -- in a ring -- on the side of a lake -- is the only place we can actually be together.”
I remove my hand from the tree, and turn my back on the memories of Jasper and I. Jasper may not have been successful in his attempt to leave this world, but he accomplished his goal of leaving us.
Epilogue
I sit on the beach next to the fire, wondering where the time has gone. Ten years ago, I sat in this very spot, holding Jasper in my arms after he just found out his father was dying. Now, it’s like that never even existed. We all have started our own lives. Some of us have gotten married; one of us even had a kid. The ghosts of who we were are etched in the sand, but have washed away with the water. I stare at the tiny waves in the lake, wondering where Jasper is now.
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