It was so unexpected that I laughed. “What? No, of course not, why?”
He looked a little relieved. “People are just saying that. Dana…I guess Dana noticed you leaving your room a lot. And you went to the ball with him.”
I scoffed. “For like ten seconds.”
“Yeah, sorry about that.”
“It’s fine.”
He was silent for a few seconds, and then said, “How’s Dana acting? I mean, she treating you okay?”
I laughed before I could stop myself. “I mean, she sent me to the wolves of Halloween in a dress made of raw meat, and since then has barely spoken to me, but yeah, she’s treating me fine.”
“She been okay since then?”
“I guess…she just kind of ignores me.”
Dana had been pretty silent since Halloween. She hadn’t told me I was a terrible excuse for a human being or insisted I was a waste of space or anything, so that was…nice, I guess.
“You have to tell me if she starts acting weird. You have to.”
“Okay, I will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
That Friday, Blake convinced me to go down to the boathouse with everyone again.
“It’ll be fun! I promise. I’ll punch Dana right in the face if she freaks again. Plus, almost everyone fun is staying here instead of going home for Thanksgiving.” She shrugged. “Senior year. I guess people don’t want to miss out.”
She promised to walk down with me, so she’d meet me outside my door at eleven. At ten-fifty, I was putting on my makeup and trying to slow my thudding heartbeat. Dana’s bed was empty still; she must be at the boathouse. Max would be there. I couldn’t kiss him or show anyone what we were, but I still wanted to look good. I did what I could, and then met Blake in the hall.
“You ready to go have fun?” she asked, smiling.
“Of course,” I responded automatically. I took a step, but she grabbed my wrist.
“Hold on, let’s go in your room for a second.”
“Why?”
“No reason.”
I opened the door and let her in. She pulled a flask from her handbag and took some of whatever was in it. She held it out to me.
I downed a few sips myself. This is exactly the kind of private school bad-influencing that everyone talks about. I didn’t know if I felt included, or like a sucker. But tonight I wanted to feel a little less…just less. I wanted to see Max. I wanted to see him and not feel the inevitable glares of Susan and whoever else wanted to say horrible things to me. I knew it wasn’t right to gain confidence this way. But as I felt the burn in my throat and under my tongue, I almost felt the nerves fall into submission.
One hour later
Max walked in. It was raining, and his dark hair was clinging to his eyebrows. He looked around the room before locking eyes with me. I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t even get myself to smile and wave geekily like I usually do. I just looked back at him until someone went up to him and diverted his attention. I turned back to Blake, and saw that she was watching me with narrowed eyes.
“What?”
She smiled. “What was that?”
“What was what? Nothing. Huh?” I was incapable of lying or playing it cool in these situations. I just turned lobster-red and stuttered like that.
She pulled me closer and said, “Oh, my God, you’re…are you…” She looked around and mouthed, “With Max?”
“No! Oh, no, that would be so stupid, I mean I’m under siege enough as it is. Plus he’s in love with Becca. And she’s… I mean I could never compete with her. Not that I’m trying to. You know what I mean.”
Her mouth hung open in a smile and she didn’t break my gaze as she handed me her drink. “Have some.”
“No, really, I’m—”
She put it up to my mouth and I laughed as I swallowed and then wiped my cheeks.
“First yesterday at dinner, and now that look—are you hooking up with him?” Blake asked, her eyes filled with eagerness.
I tried to say I wasn’t, but I couldn’t stop smiling.
Blake stood up and pulled me to her, squealing. “Oh, my God, that’s awesome. I thought he was just going to mope around forever.”
That stung a little. It shouldn’t have, but it did. “Well, I guess not. Please don’t tell anyone.”
“Oh, please, I was going to tell you not to tell anyone.”
We laughed and then she pulled me over to the couch. She recruited people to play cards, while I waited. I took a sip of my drink and then realized Dana was staring at me. Her already dark eyes seemed darker than ever. She was right where Blake and I had been standing. Had she heard us talking? Would…would she care?
“Okay, Ace is high!” Blake sat down next to me.
Dana couldn’t have heard me. She would have said something. She was always willing to embarrass me.
She must not have heard.
“You know what we haven’t done in the longest time?” Madison, who always got more confident with a few too many drinks in her, was standing on a box and commanding attention from the room. “Seven Minutes in Heaven.”
I laughed, thinking it was a joke, but it wasn’t. Everyone whooped in agreement and seemed excited. At my high school, this had been a very lame thing to play and was found only in Judy Blume books and nineties teen movies. It had always seemed so stupid. But now that I glanced at Max, who was loosened up enough to smile—no easy feat it seemed—the game might not be so dumb.
“There should be a notebook behind you,” Madison said. I realized she was talking to me.
“Where?”
“In the supply closet. Just look on the shelves. Does anyone have a pen?”
I went in and started feeling around the shelves for a notebook. I jumped when my fingers landed on something cold. I thought it was a bug, but upon closer investigation, I saw that it was a silver necklace. I pushed it back on the shelf. I found the spiral notebook, which was covered in dust, and pulled it out.
“Here it is, Madison,” I said, wiping it clean.
“Okay, write your name in it with this pen and then pass it along.” She tossed me a red ink pen.
I opened to the first page, and saw a list of names already there. My eyes immediately went to Becca’s. The names were all in different handwriting, so it was easy to presume she had written her own. It was odd to look at it. She wrote in sort of half-cursive. Also in red ink. I wondered, briefly, if she had used the pen I held now.
I flipped to the next page and wrote my name at the top, before handing it to Ricky, who was next to me.
A few minutes later, the paper was filled with names, and Julia had cut it apart and put the strips into a coffee can.
“I’ll draw, since Cam and I aren’t playing,” Blake said. She took the can and began feeling around for two choice pieces of paper. “First up, Ricky and Susan!” There was a lot of cheering, and then they disappeared into the supply closet. Cam kept time on his watch, and everyone laughed and talked loudly until the seven minutes were up.
Every time she dove her hand into the can of names, I held my breath until neither my name nor Max’s was spoken. After Ricky and Susan came two girls I didn’t know, who agreed to go in together and got a lot of attention for it. After a few more rounds, though, Blake called Max’s name.
“Max!” She smiled at him, and he shook his head.
He said something to her I couldn’t hear, but she shrugged and then called my name.
Unlike the whooping that had gone before our names, there was a sharp and collective intake of breath mixed in with the drunken chatter of those who had not heard.
I didn’t know whether to stand or laugh or refuse or what. There was no reason to say no—everyone else had gone in willingly. Finally, Max stood and walked past me. For a second I thought he was just going to walk right out and away to avoid causing more gossip. But he didn’t. He opened the storage closet door and looked at me.
“After you.”
I didn’t look at anyone before going in. I wished the volume would rise again so my heart pounding wouldn’t be the only sound in the room. I followed him in, and he pulled on the light. It was so dim it looked like it might die while we were in there.
“I knew I’d end up with you in here.”
His voice startled me. When I processed what he’d said, I immediately took it to mean that he had been dreading it. That was the self-deprecating pessimist in me.
“How did you know?” My voice sounded small and uncool.
“Because I didn’t put my name in the can. And I know Blake.” He hesitated. “And Blake knows me.”
My heart skipped before melting into my stomach. “Oh,” I whispered back. We were both speaking low. It was very quiet on the other side of the door.
“And she didn’t pull your name out of the hat, either.”
“No?”
He shook his hair, which was dry and soft-looking now. “No. She had Julia’s in her hand.”
He took a step toward me, and put his hand on the shelf behind me. He smelled like clean laundry and soap. It felt so different to not be in secret—there was only a door between thirty people and us, all assuming they knew what was happening.
It was taking almost more control than I had not to reach a hand out and touch him. The air between us was tight and seemed to be pulling us closer.
I heard Blake’s voice, but not what she said, and then the stereo turned on. It was a Mutemath song I couldn’t place.
“Did Blake assume too much, or was she right to send you in here? I mean…people are going to talk.”
The light hit his eyes, giving them the appearance of being lit from behind. He looked at me, and I nodded dumbly. “I’m starting to really not care what they think of me.”
Then his mouth was on mine. His hand was in my hair. His body, lean and strong, was pressing into mine. All I could hear was the music outside, and all I could feel was him. I wasn’t worried about what anyone thought, including him. I was unselfconscious for the first time since the last time we’d met.
I ran my hand up his shirt and felt his impossibly perfect body. His skin was warm and soft, but he held me and kissed me with strength. He lifted me up a little, and I flattened my hand on the shelf for support. It landed on the cold necklace I’d found earlier.
I wanted to stay there forever. I could imagine passing hours this way. But that couldn’t happen. Because the next second, the closet was filled with light, and Dana stood in the doorway. My feet landed on the floor and my hand swatted the necklace there, too. Dana’s eyes darted down to it, and she shoved past us to get to it. She picked it up slowly, examining it and then closing it in her fist.
“This is it,” she said. “This is the proof. Becca’s back. Or she will be soon.”
Max looked at her, and then at the silver chain in her hand. Some kind of realization washed over him.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
JOHNNY WAS STANDING BEHIND DANA IN THE doorway, and he was looking at Max like he’d killed someone.
“What is wrong with you, man?” he exploded.
Max raised his eyebrows and then walked out of the closet. I didn’t move.
“What’s wrong with me?”
Johnny threw a hand up at me. “Her? Really? After what you had—don’t you think it’s a little messed up to just be…doing that?”
Something recoiled in my core. Johnny had always been nice to me. Why would he say that?
Dana shot him a look that he ignored.
Max lifted his chin a little and looked at Johnny. “You wanna talk to me about that? Are you sure?”
“Oh, I’m sure.”
Max pushed him hard. Johnny stumbled back.
“Outside.” Max’s voice rose on the word.
Johnny went out the door, and Max followed. Then so did everyone else. A few people went to the shut curtains, and others went outside. I pushed through them into the night air.
I felt like I should say something. Like I could somehow get them to stop.
“—after everything with Becca, you really think you can talk to me about this?” Max yelled at Johnny.
“That’s exactly my point, Max! You’re supposed to be in love with Becca, remember?”
“And where is she, Johnny? She’s not here.”
“That makes it okay? You’re just doing whatever you want, and you don’t care anymore about her feelings? She loved you, Max!” I could hear the ire rising in Johnny’s voice.
“That’s bullshit and you know it!”
“It’s because of you she’s gone, you know. Because of you!”
Max, who’d had his back turned to Johnny, turned toward him and pushed him again. This time with enough force to knock him to the sand. Johnny recovered quickly.
“Don’t mess with me, Max, I got a lot of shit to take out on someone, it doesn’t matter to me if it’s you or not.”
Max gave a laugh and shook his head. “Yeah? You got shit to take out on me? Do it.”
They looked at each other, rain still coming down. It started to pour harder, but neither of them seemed to notice. Johnny balled his fists and hesitated. He didn’t want to hit Max. I could tell.
But Max was done hesitating. With a solid punch to the jaw he hit Johnny, who stumbled backward but caught himself. He swung at Max and made loud contact. Max didn’t miss a beat, grabbing at Johnny and throwing him onto the ground. Johnny pulled on Max’s shirt, ripping it so it hung wet and loose. Max yanked it off, revealing a sweating, tight body. His muscles rippled as he held Johnny down and punched him hard in the face.
Cam ran forward and pulled Max off Johnny, shouting at them to stop. The rain got heavier. Max spit blood onto the sand. Dana, who had been crouched on the ground over Johnny, ran to Max.
She slapped him across the face. He didn’t move.
“You,” she said, “are so messed up. And this?” She pulled out the necklace. “This is proof that she’s coming back. And you know what that means.”
“I think that’s a bit optimistic.”
Fury seemed to run down her spine as she said, “When you say things like that, Max—” she took a deep breath “—you really make me think you know more than you pretend to.”
He smiled, and I saw his teeth were covered in blood. “Yeah, Dana? You want to talk about that?”
She breathed quickly and then went back to Johnny, who was now standing and looking furiously at Max.
Max looked at me and then walked up the stairs without saying another word.
I felt like my world had fallen in. I’d been a fool to think that any part of this place was mine.
Things got worse over the next month. Not only were the days some of the shortest I’d seen, but the cold was getting colder by every minute. It hadn’t snowed. It had only rained icy, gray droplets. The building was cold everywhere. I was constantly in a sweatshirt, and if I’d had my way, I’d be in gloves, boots and a hat 24/7. But that’s just simply not the way to look attractive or to live down your reputation as a pariah.
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