by Kailin Gow
“I know you’ve taken on a lot of responsibilities on your own…many of which are out of your control, Sam. What you’ve done already has been remarkable. I know you’ve had so much to deal with including your parents’ divorce, and facing that attacker, that dark spot from your past, but now I see you’re also taking on the role of trying to be everything for Collins McGregor, including trying to help Tate along the way. It’s admirable of you, Sam, and I know you could handle it because you are you, but you’ve just come from facing the demons of your past which takes time to heal from.”
“What are you trying to say?” I asked.
“I’m saying, Sam, let Tate slowly find his own way, with some guidance from us, but in order for him to be able to truly be free of his past and his own demons, you need to let him be. I see how you’re trying to tame him. I see how he is trying to be the kind of young man you want him to be…”
“You can see all that just from today?” I asked, astonished.
“I’ve been there, Sam. I’m a guy, just like Tate. I find you attractive as I’m sure Tate does. When a guy finds a woman attractive, and he really likes her, he tries to change a bit for her. It helps to attract the girl right back, but in the long run, if the man doesn’t change for himself, because he wants to do it for himself, instead of for a woman, he will resent changing.”
“So I’m trying to change Tate?” I asked. “I really had no intentions to, just to help him get off the streets, get him on the right path so he doesn’t end up in jail again. Is that so wrong?”
“No, Sam,” Michael said. “It isn’t. All I’m saying is, you don’t have to do it all, you don’t have to try so hard. Let things happen. Allow God’s will to happen. You are only one person, and I’ve seen how much you’ve been through just within the last few months. I’m worried about you, but I know you have your pride, too.”
“So, what do you think I should do…” I finally asked. “Tate and Collins hardly know each other, and I brought Tate back into Collins’ life. Now Tate is involved between us. He is my responsibility. I promised him that I’ll give him a chance. I’ve forgiven him already for his part in the Billy incident, but…” I stopped, afraid I revealed too much to Michael. Did I ever tell him about the Billy incident?
“He’s already volunteering at Sawyer House?” Michael asked. “He should find that when he gives of himself selflessly like that, he will get a lot back in terms of self-worth and confidence. I’d like for him to continue coming here on Sundays, though, to help with the younger kids, too.”
“I’d like to be here to help him, but…”
“Don’t worry, Sam,” Michael said. “I’ll watch him. I’ll keep an eye out for him.”
“Really?” I said. “Why would you do that?”
Michael sighed, his green eyes looking down at his hands before he looked up into mine. “I want you to be happy, Sam. I want you to find your way on your own but still know that whatever choice you make in life, you will always have a friend in me.”
I stood up and went up to Michael, wrapping my arms around him in a big hug. “Thank you, Michael,” I said. “You will always have a friend in me, too.”
Michael pulled back and patted my shoulders. He smiled tenderly at me. “I want you to know…some good things have happened since we saw each other in court.”
“I’m happy for that,” I said, my eyes lighting up with anticipation for good news. “What?”
“Since your parents’ divorce, I noticed your father had been saying only kind things about your mother…and you. I think he realized what he had, despite some bumps in the relationship, and miss that, miss being a family.”
“I hope so,” I said, feeling a lump in my throat. “Mom’s almost completely sober. She’s really taken to heart her fight with alcoholism.” My voice cracked. “I think she realized how much it’s hurt the family. How much she had lost because of it.”
“I’ve been praying for her, for Nydia, your father, and you,” Michael said.
“Thank you,” I said. “You will be a wonderful Senior Pastor one day, Michael. My family was fortunate to have you be there for us throughout this entire ordeal. You handled my parents extremely well. I know my father put you in a difficult position having to pick sides between my parents, but you were able to handle it well. I know my mother and father both consider you a good friend.”
“That I am,” Michael said, reaching out to hold my hand. “I feel like I’m part of the family. Their divorce affected me deeply, too.” Michael’s face broke for a second, and I saw a part of him I’d never seen…the human, the man behind the pastor.
I reached out and hugged him again. “You are family to us, Michael.
Michael reached out a finger to gently touch my chin. “Good, because Sam, I care a lot about you. If you find yourself in trouble, if you need to talk to someone about anything, about things you may not want to do, if you are being pressured to do anything you’re not comfortable with or anything; please please please do not hesitate to come to me for anything.” He kissed the top of my head and said, “I’m so incredibly sorry I did not help you through the turmoil you went through with Billy. I remembered your father mentioning his name once bitterly when I first came to this church, but I never realized how much pain you must have been going through because you couldn’t turn to anyone about what was happening to you.” He swallowed and looked down. “That shouldn’t happen at a church. That shouldn’t happen between friends and family. I’m sorry if I failed you…that you couldn’t come to me as a friend or even as your pastor to seek help for so long.” He shook his head and held me.
I broke down in tears then. I thought I was so strong holding all my emotions in, even after sending Billy back to jail, even trying to put the past behind me by trying to change Tate. I sobbed and sobbed into Michael’s shoulders. “I’ve always felt so alone like I couldn’t tell anyone about it,” I cried.
“It was not your burden alone, Sam. You’ve always had someone. Why were you so afraid to let anyone know, to talk about it, to ask for help?” Michael asked.
“Because I didn’t want to fall apart,” I said. “I had to stay strong for Nydia, for Mom. I couldn’t tell anyone at Sawyer House, not Gail, not Derek. I’m a peer counselor, I’m supposed to have all the answers. I can’t be more damaged than the kids who call. And Collins…how could I possibly tell Collins what happened. It’s too horrific. It was so horrible, the thing Billy did to me, said to me…the mind games he played, the threats… that I had to block it from my mind or I’d go insane. Plus, Collins…he and Tate…I’m their pillar. I’m the one they’re relying on to help them through their demons. I can’t ever fall apart in front of them.”
Michael patted my back, and held me close. “Cry it all out, Sam, I’m here. I’m here for you.”
“But Michael,” I pulled back, wiping my eyes with my hands. He handed me a tissue immediately. “I know how you feel…about me, about Collins…how could I possibly tell you everything I’m feeling?”
Michael rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath before saying, “I admit to wanting to have a relationship with you when you turned of age, but I could see how you respond to Collins…” He looked away. “Some things are things you just can’t help, and I have to accept you being with someone else. My broken heart will mend, but in the meantime, I’m still going to be a friend. However, if it’s at all awkward, you don’t have to tell me anything.”
I laughed. “No, not awkward at all, Michael.”
“Good,” Michael said. “I’d rather set aside my romantic feelings and stay friends just so you can have someone removed from your situation, to talk to. I mean it, Sam. I don’t ever want you to worry about how things will affect our relationship or what I’ll think of you, if you ever find yourself in need of help.” He smiled into my face. “I’m a servant of God, as a pastor and as a follower. I don’t judge. It’s not in my place to make judgment on others. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. I know I have
so don’t feel that just because I’ve chosen to make my career and role in life, one that is clearly a servant of God, that I will judge you or be critical of you.”
“I wished my father had more of the same attitude,” I said. “If he did, I probably would be able to talk to him about Billy a long time ago. I probably would have trust him to help me rather than condemn me.”
Michael shook his head. “I’m sorry to say, sometimes even Pastors are much too human, despite our good intentions. Sometimes the most devout misinterpret what God wants us to do. We’re not here to judge others, to stone them to death, to condemn them and think we are much holier and righteous than anyone else. As far as everything I’ve read in the Bible, we’re here to love one another.”
“For those without sin, let him be the first to cast the stone,” I said, reciting from the Bible.
“So you see, Sam,” Michael said. “No one has the right to judge you. No one has the right to say you can never ever be good enough. Because in God’s eyes, you are. You are perfect.”
Again, I felt tears washed over me, and a sense of enormous relief pour through me. This was what I needed to hear.
I’ve forsaken that part of me the last few years since the Billy incident. Not only had he stripped me of my confidence, self-worth, and sense of security; but he had stripped me of my faith. I had let it strip me of my faith.
And like it or not, as much as I kept denying it, kept wanting to believe how strong I was without it, having it was a strong part of me.
“Thank you, Michael,” I said, after I again blew my nose and wiped my face with the tissues Michael handed me.
“You don’t need to thank me,” Michael said.
“Well, I do, I don’t like taking people’s kindness and help for granted,” I said. “One could always say a simple ‘thank you’.”
Michael laughed. “So Samantha Sullivan has come back to us!”
“I hope so,” I said.
Michael tapped me on the head gently with his fingers. “It’s great having you back.”
I said shakily but firmly, “I have always been here, all along, but now I’ve come out of hiding.”
Chapter 10
After saying good-bye to Michael, my parents, and Nydia; I received a ride back to my apartment from Vincent. Minus Tate.
I was relieved and happy with the turn of events at church for my parents, myself, and Tate. I couldn’t have imagined it to be any better. As I was getting ready to leave with Tate, Michael asked Tate if he could stay to help him coach the small basketball team of eleven and twelve year old boys that formed last week. It would only be an hour or so. Tate hesitated at first, but when the boys began saying, “Come on, Tate, please be our coach,” Tate gave in, looking over at me in defeat.
I went up to him and said, “Get used to your popularity. You’ve got the McGregor charm.” I thanked him for coming with me to church, and said, “I’ll send Vincent back to get you after practice.” Then I whispered, “See it wasn’t that bad.”
He beamed at me and said, “That’s because you’re here with me.”
“Nah,” I said, “It’s because you’re making friends.” I looked over where Michael was helping one of the boys with his shot, and waved.
Michael waved good-bye, looked over at Tate, and back at me again. I nodded. Michael’s got Tate for me. Although I liked and cared for Tate, having a community around me (although it was just Sawyer House and Michael), it made a world of difference to me.
I wished I had trusted Michael or Gail or even Derek earlier with my problems…with Billy’s grip on me. It would have prevented Tate from ever getting involved with Billy. Billy was a bully and a sociopath. No doubt, if Tate didn’t help me fight Billy at my apartment that day Billy came after me, Billy would have killed me.
Chapter 11
“How was church?” Collins asked me on the phone as soon as I arrived home to my empty apartment. I missed Collins already, although he was gone for just a day.
“It went well,” I smiled into the phone. “Really well. I was expecting all hell to break loose between my parents, but they were cordial with each other, even friendly. Michael said my father even mentioned he missed Mom and me.”
“Oh, Baby,” Collins said, “I wished I could be there to share that experience with you. I miss you so much, I brought along your special heart undies.”
I blushed. “No, you didn’t.”
“On every trip, Sam,” Collins said. “I bring a reminder of you with me on every trip I take.”
“Collins,” I said, feeling as though he was right in front of me instead of thousands of miles away. “I want to be open in every way to you from now on.” Did I just say that? I guess my opening up to Michael today was making me realize how much I needed to be open and honest with my feelings and fears with the man I loved. Just like I needed Collins to be more open with me.
There was a hesitation on the other end of the phone before Collins said, “I’d like that, Sam. I would, but I thought you were already pretty open to me. What else do you need to tell me?”
I shook my head as I answered Collins, “Just that I wished I told you about Billy a while back. I wished I told you how scared I am to be touched intimately, how I loathed my own body, didn’t see myself as desirable at all, after what Billy did to me for years.” I was on the brink of tears again as I told Collins all about my fears and how it had held me back from giving myself fully to him, to any relationship. I finally couldn’t hold back the tears and was crying again with the weight of all the years of repressing those strong emotions of guilt, pain, shame, and fear. As I grieved all the years I’ve let the memory and fear of Billy rule me, tears of guilt and now with relief flooded me, and I didn’t know when they would ever stop.
“Baby, oh Baby,” Collins said, crying with me over the phone. I could hear his throat constrict with raw pain for me. “I can’t tell you how much I love you right now for being so brave in facing this. I can’t tell you how much I want to break that asshole’s neck for everything he’s done to you, to your family…” Collins said. “If it wasn’t for someone not being able to show for this meeting until tomorrow morning, I’d be there with you, holding you in my arms and kissing away your tears. I wouldn’t be stuck halfway around the world from you. It sucks that I can’t be with you all the time. You are all that I think about, you are everything to me, Sam. Everything.”
I sighed, taking a deep calming breath. “Collins,” I said softly. “You are everything to me, too.”
“I think I’m ready,” Collins said softly.
“For what?” I asked, wanting to be sure I’ve heard him correctly.
“For going the next step. For being open and honest with you, Sam.” Collins took a deep breath and let out a hoarse sigh. “God, Sam, I’ve got some major issues. I’m scared to let you know everything, to let you see more of me…I’ve been holding back, too. I’ve got demons that keep me from truly giving my all to you. But now I want you to see that part of me, too. Just as you’ve allowed me to see all of you.”
“I’m ready to see all of you, too, Collins,” I said. “I’m so eager to move to the next step with you. In every way.”
There was another hesitation. This time a bit longer before Collins answered back. When he did, I noticed a shift in him, a change, which scared the hell out of me. Daggers was back. “I’m scared, Sam. So terrified.”
I gulped. Then it was as though the Susan within recognized that little lost boy of Collins. “Don’t worry, Daggers,” I said. “It will be alright.”
“How do you know?” Daggers asked. “You left me once before. You’ll leave me again. How can I trust you? You’re just like the rest of them, only wanting to use me, only wanting me to satisfy your urges.”
‘No, I’m not,” I said. “I’m not like the rest of them, Daggers. I love you. I love you so much I want to know everything about you.”
“Including the bad?” Daggers asked.
“Including th
e bad, if there is a bad,” I said. “When I say I love you, Daggers, it means I love you, as Daggers, and you as Collins. I love everything about you so you don’t have to be afraid of what I’ll think.”
“I am, though,” Daggers said. “You are the only one who matters. If I lose you because of me letting you in, I would never be able to trust anyone again.”
*****
I wanted to call Gail to ask her about Daggers’ fears and past…what was Collins so afraid of that he would instantly become Daggers again?
I was ready to call her when I received a strange text message.
MC: It’s time for your next lesson.
Next lesson? Who was this, and what were they talking about?
I texted back. “What lesson?”
MC: My my my, how this little kitty has already forgotten about our arrangement. Lesson 2. It’s time for the next lesson.
It dawned on me who it was. Speaking of the devil.
I texted back: Where do I meet you?
The doorbell rang right after I sent the text, and I jumped.
MC: At your place. I’m standing at your door.
Chapter 12
“Sam! It’s been a while since I’ve seen you,” Judge Colleen Seevers greeted me like an old friend at my door.
MC – she was the one who texted me. “MC” – stood for “Mistress Colleen”.
I blinked again, not believing my eyes. Judge Seevers was standing at my door on a Sunday night, wearing a white blouse, tight navy pencil skirt, and a navy cardigan sweater. She was even wearing reading glasses, the type librarians wore. She was still clearly a strikingly beautiful woman with her bright hazel eyes peering out of the glasses and her red lips full and pouty, as though she had just spent hours kissing someone.
I shuddered. I was not expecting her at all, and I was not expecting to see her looking like a school teacher. She was deceptively harmless-looking, which unnerved me. What was she planning?
