by Nalini Singh
Page 28
His heart almost broke at the pain in her voice. Even half mad with sorrow, not for a moment did he imagine that she'd deliberately hurt their baby. Not his piccola . Not this woman who'd taken every precaution to ensure that her brother grew up loved and protected. "Are you okay?"
She pushed up his chest and looked at him, all dark blue eyes. "What does it matter? The baby's gone!"
He shook her just a little. "It matters. You matter. To me and to Nick. What would we do without you?"
She was shaking her head and tears were starting to gather. "No, I didn't keep our baby safe. I couldn't!
I couldn't! I couldn't!"
He thought that she was heading toward hysteria but suddenly realized that it was nothing more than pure anger-fueled pain. Taylorwas far more like him than he'd ever before guessed. She hated being unable to control her baby's happiness. He let her beat his chest with her clenched fists, let her cry and talk, almost certain that he knew what had happened.
"I couldn't keep our baby safe! I couldn't!" she screamed. "There was just . . . there was so much blood.
Our b-bambina got washed away. " Wracking sobs infiltrated her body, turning her from a warrior to a grief-ravaged mother.
Fighting his own tears,Jacksonheld her to him despite her protests, and rocked her. His poorTaylor. So used to protecting those she considered her own, so used to being able to control what hurt them.
Memories of her fussing over Nick merged into images of her bristling on his own behalf, taking on those who would dare to hurt him. He couldn't bear her pain. She cried for a long time and each tear felt like acid on his heart.
"Have you called a doctor?" heasked, when her sobs had faded off into silent weeping.
"What for? I'm fine. " She was belligerent.
His eye flicked to the bed and suddenly he understood why it had disturbed him. The blue sheets shouldn't have been that almost purplish shade. His heart froze. How much blood had she lost? Shaking, he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed an ambulance one-handed. Taylordidn't say anything, and when the paramedics came, she went quietly. He held her hand throughout the ride.
At the E. R. , he paced like a caged tiger until they pronounced that she'd be fine, though they wanted to keep her overnight for observation. He sat with her as she was hooked up to an IV drip and afterward when she started crying again, he ignored hospital policy and gathered her into his arms, being careful not to dislodge the IV needle. Sitting in a chair beside her bed, he cradled her slender body, so unexpectedly fragile, against his strength. Except tonight, he didn't feel very strong. He could never erase her hurt.
"I don't know how to stop your pain, cara mia ," he admitted. "Tell me what to do. " He was used to doing things, not being a useless observer on the sidelines.
Lifting her head, she framed his face with her gentle hands. "My pain? What about yours, darling?"
He gave her a tight smile. "I didn't go through what you did. I will be fine. "
She shook her head, her lips set stubbornly. "Don't shut me out,Jackson. Please don't. " The vulnerability beneath the stubbornness was clear. "I need you here with me. More than I've ever needed you before. "
He looked at her earnest, tear-streaked face and felt something inside him shatter. "I always thought our bambina would have her mother's eyes. "
"And her papa's heart. "Taylorstroked his tears away, and it was only then that he knew he was crying.
For the first time since he'd been a mere babe, JacksonSantorini allowed himself to cry, held in his wife's arms. Her honest pain deserved nothing less. The honor of their bambina required it.
The next day,Jacksontook his wife home. While they'd been away, he'd had the bed replaced, knowing that neither of them would ever want to lie on it again. When they arrived, he madeTaylorsomething to drink and then they sat basking in the sunshine, on the steps leading down from the back verandah. She sat on the step below him, watching the butterflies as steam floated up from her tea. He put his arms gently around her and held her to him.
"The nurse said that if we let ourselves mourn, we'd heal better. " Her voice was tentative.
"What do you want to do, cara?" He rubbed his face against her soft hair, reminding her that he was at her disposal. He needed to do something for her. Anything.
"I thought we could name her - we don't know if the baby would've been a girl or a boy but we always thought of her. . . "
". . . as our bambina ," he completed.
"Yes. Maybe . . . maybe we could plant something beautiful for her in our garden. It might help Nick, too, when he finds out. "
He swallowed the sorrow that choked his throat. Nick was so much like his sensitive sister. Jackson knew that they would have to be very careful with his young heart. "That sounds like a fine idea. What shall we name her?"
"What do you think?" Putting her cup on the step, she tilted her head against his chest and met his gaze.
"Rosa. " He quietly admitted to his own dreams.
She nodded. "That's a good name. RosaSantorini . " For the first time since their baby's loss, she smiled a little, hisTaylorcoming back to him. "I'm glad we're doing this. I don't want to pretend she didn't exist. "
Despite the smile, there was such deep pain and sadness in her that he wanted to break something in despair.
"We could try again," he suggested, hesitant to do so, but it was all he could think of to alleviate her hurt.
"I'd like that. " She smiled slowly. "From what the doctor said, it happens to first babies sometimes . . .
there's no reason for us not to try again. "
He was glad that she no longer blamed herself as she had in those first shocked moments. "But before we do anything, we will get you checked out. We will not do anything if it will hurt you. " He refused to lose his wife.
Her face fell. "You don't want me to be the mother of your babies? You said a year. . . "
His tough littleTaylorwas still so vulnerable and he knew only one way to change that. What was pride, what was machismo , in the face of his wife's pain? Squeezing her tight, he leaned in close to her ear. "If anything happened to you, I would notsurvive, miaamore . Do not ask me to. "
Taylor's heart stopped at that powerful statement, made in such a quiet way. "Jackson? But a baby. . . "
". . . would be precious, but only if you were a part of him or her. " His legs pressed close against her and it was like being hugged with his whole body. "You are my heart, TaylorSantorini . You. Only you. "
Taylor's whole world changed in that instant. She'd always guarded against love because the idea of being emotionally dependent on someone else terrified her. Never had she thought about what it would mean if she was loved in return, never had she imagined that a man with Jackson's passionate heart, a heart which had been hurt as much as her own, would surrender his love into her hands. Andnever, never had she thought that her proud Italian husband would admit such a great vulnerability to her, not when Bonnie had wounded him so very much .
Nick came home three days later and they held him while he cried. Then together, they planted a red rose bush Nick chose. Roses forRosa, he'd whispered. Jackson hadn't left Taylor's side for the past four days and now he was right beside her as they held hands and sang a lullaby to the baby they would never get to hold.
It took another week before he was convinced that she'd be okay on her own.
"Will you be all right?" He was cradling her face in his big hands. " Cara, if you need me, I'll stay. "
She knew that he meant every word. Her husband had shown her that she was the most vital thing in his life. Reaching up, she kissed his cheek. "I'm okay, darling. Promise. I think I'll bake a cake to celebrate Nick's team winning their first game. "
Jacksonnodded in approval. "He's a strong boy. He's going to be fine. "
"We're all going to be okay. We went through the sadness together and we'll go
through the joy that comes. "
It was time for her to start living again, She was aware that both her husband and her brother had treated her like fragile china for the past week and a half. Though she'd held them in their grief, they were both indisputably male, her husband the most masculine creature she knew. Being who they were, offering her their protection and succor had calmed the rage and sorrow inside them.
She'd let them fuss, aware of their need to do what they could. Now, it was time for her to reclaim her own strength. HerRosawas in her heart, where she would always dwell,a precious first baby. But she was the only mother Nick had ever known and he needed her. So did her husband.
"I'll be back between five and six. "Jacksonkissed her once more and then he was gone.
Determined to banish the sadness, she went around the house pulling open every curtain. Light poured in from the windows and skylights while she prepared the cake mix.
As she did so, she thought over the game only two days ago. Nick would've understood if she'd missed it but she would have never forgiven herself for neglecting his emotional needs. Jacksonhad supported her decision to attend the match with him, though he'd bundled her up in so many layers of clothing, she'd felt like a stuffed goose.
The outing had been a good idea, breaking the spell of sadness that had hung over all of them. Watching Jacksoncheer for Nick with as much enthusiasm as any of the other fathers, she'd suddenly realized that somehow, they'd truly become a family.
Smiling at the memory of the stunned look on her brother's face when he'd saved agoal, she put the two cake tins in the oven. Then, when the house was bright with sunshine and redolent with the smell of baking, she sat down with a cup of tea and took the chance to think. At the start of this marriage, she'd made a bargain with JacksonSantorini .
Ostensibly, she'd gained stability and safety for Nick. In reality, she'd gained the rock-solid loyalty and love of a very special man along with Nick's happiness. He'd called her miaamore . My love.
