by Tony Abbott
In the instant before he dropped, Jeff turned to see the man holding a large green vegetable in front of his face.
“Weird! Cabbage!” Jeff cried out, as he—umph!—slammed to the ground, his plastic Cosmic Boy helmet crunching down hard.
“My head!” he groaned.
Then things went dark in that head.
2
Class Brain
Thump-thump-thump!
When Jeff opened his eyes, he was facedown on the sidewalk outside the X-Rays Us Medical Clinic.
His head throbbed. His ears throbbed. His eyes throbbed. Thump-thump-thump!
“Uhhhh!” Jeff groaned as he slid out from under Sean’s legs and got up. “Oh, man, my head hurts. My ears hurt. My eyes hurt!”
Sean dusted himself off and got up, too. The two friends were alone on the sidewalk.
“Wait,” said Jeff, glancing around. “Where’s the guy?” He looked up and down and all around Main Street. “The guy in the white coat. I think I saw him outside my house this morning. And he had some kind of big vegetable …”
“Never mind him,” said Sean, shaking his head. “We’re lucky we didn’t get zapped to death with nuclear-powered X-rays. Now, come on. Put your helmet back in the box and let’s go.”
“I guess.” Jeff continued to look up and down the street. “It was a cabbage, I think. Big leaves.”
Jeff slipped off the chin strap of his Cosmic Boy Space Helmet and pulled.
“Ouch!” A sharp pain went through his head.
The helmet wouldn’t budge. Jeff tugged again. It hurt more and still wouldn’t move. “Sean, it’s stuck on my head. Do something!”
Sean chewed his lip. “Well, I could sing the Cosmic Boy theme song and you could fly around. I don’t remember all of it, though.”
“Cut it out!” Jeff yelled, pulling again. “This is serious!”
But Sean sang what he knew.
No evil ploy,
No scheme or trick,
Can stop the Boy
Known as Cosmic!
Space Ahoy! Cosmic Boy!
“I can’t remember the rest,” said Sean.
“Thanks a lot.” Jeff gave his friend a nasty look. The gray plastic helmet felt strange on his head. But it was really on tight now. “I can’t go to school like this.”
Sean started toward school. “It looks okay. Sort of. Straighten your antennas, though. They’re bent.”
Jeff slumped along behind Sean. “Maybe I’ll be lucky, and no one will say anything.”
“Hey, everybody, look at Jeff!” shouted Mike Mazur when Jeff and Sean walked into the main hall of W. Reid Elementary School. “He’s got a toy space helmet on his head!”
Running up the hall behind Mike were Liz Duffey and Sean’s sister, Holly.
Liz raised her eyebrows when she saw Jeff. “You must be the new kid. Welcome to Earth!”
Jeff smiled a fake smile under his helmet. “Sean jammed it on my head and now I can’t take it off without taking off my ears, too. And now my head is itchy.”
“Do you get cable on that thing?” asked Mike.
“Not funny,” said Jeff.
Mike examined the gray plastic blinking helmet closely. “You know, it’s amazing when you think about it. The brain is this big mushy thing sitting right there behind your forehead.”
Sean nodded. “It’s a lot neater that way. If your brain were on the outside, stuff would get stuck to it all the time.”
“Especially in all those wrinkles,” said Mike.
“It would probably hurt to iron them, though,” Jeff said.
“But at least they’d look neat,” said Sean.
“STOP IT!” cried Liz, slapping her hands over her ears. “You guys are shorting out my brain!”
Brrrrng! The morning bell rang.
“Thank you!” said Liz, heading off down the hall.
Jeff followed his friends to his classroom. Zzzz! went his helmet. His forehead blinked. His antennas twirled. He got some strange looks, even from the kindergartners.
“Maybe you could wear a turban or something,” said Mike. “Maybe a chef’s hat.”
“They don’t make hats that big,” said Sean, heading for his classroom. “See you at tryouts, Cosmic Boy!” He and Mike went into their classroom across the hall.
Jeff shook his head and turned to Holly and Liz. “This isn’t going to work. Everybody’s going to ask me dumb questions.”
“That’s because you look super smart, Jeff,” said Holly as they swung into their room. “By the way, do you know what’s for lunch today?”
“No!” Jeff slumped into his seat in front of Holly and next to Liz. The other kids in the class giggled at him. His lights flickered. His head itched.
“Play tryouts are next period, Jeff,” a boy said.
Jeff tried to smile. “I’m starting early.”
Mrs. Carbonese, their white-haired teacher, looked up from her desk. “We’re not landing planes here, Jeff. Please stop blinking.”
“Yes, Mrs. Carbonese.” Jeff tried to turn off the lights just as the PA system crackled to life.
“Ahem!” boomed the voice of Principal Bell. “As you know, this morning we are holding tryouts for The Wizard of Oz, delightfully updated for our modern times. Mrs. Carbonese will direct and my accordion and I will provide the music!”
Mrs. Carbonese smiled shyly at the class.
“Dancing astronauts, musical aliens,” the principal went on. “There are parts for everyone!”
Liz shook her head and whispered to Jeff and Holly. “I’d like to see the Zoners get up on that stage. Now that would be interesting.”
“And scary,” whispered Holly. “Can you imagine Mrs. C. as a singing space woman?”
“Or Principal Bell doing his accordion thing. Talk about a musical alien!” said Liz.
Bweeeep! A sound came from somewhere.
“Jeff,” said Mrs. Carbonese, looking up, “you’re beeping.”
Jeff frowned and adjusted his controls. “That wasn’t me, was it?” That sound reminded him of the strange man that morning. He was sure the man in the bushes and the man with the X-ray machine were the same. And then there was the cabbage. What was that all about?
Jeff sighed. No, this wasn’t going to be a normal everyday kind of day. It was going to be the other kind of day—weird.
Then, as Mrs. Carbonese went to the blackboard, Jeff saw something in the hallway just beyond the door.
A flash of white? A white coat?
“Name the American president during the Civil War,” Mrs. Carbonese said, scraping a nib of chalk across the blackboard.
Bzzzzt! Jeff’s helmet buzzed accidentally as he tried to see out into the hall.
“Your head just made a noise, Jeff,” Mrs. Carbonese said. “Does that mean you know the answer?”
“It’s the guy in the long white coat!” Jeff blurted out.
Mrs. Carbonese frowned. “No, actually, the president usually wore a long black coat. There is a famous memorial to this great man. Where is it?”
“At the X-ray place!” Jeff said, squinting into the hall to see more.
“No, no,” said the teacher. “One final clue. What famous thing did he wear on his head?”
“A cabbage!” Jeff cried, rising from his seat.
“It is clear you haven’t been studying,” Mrs. Carbonese mumbled.
Bweeeep!
That sound! It came from the hall.
“It’s him! He’s there!” shouted Jeff, stumbling between the desks and out of the classroom.
“Jeff Ryan, take your seat!” Mrs. Carbonese said.
But he couldn’t. The man in the white coat was standing in the shadows near the end of the hall. He seemed to have that leafy cabbage with him again.
“Who are you?” Jeff asked as he approached the shadows.
Then the man stepped into the light.
“No!” A jolt of horror struck Jeff as he realized something. “But … you’re not holding a cab
bage! It’s your … head! You’ve got a cabbage … for a head!”
3
Toys in the Attic
“You!” the man with the cabbage head began. “You have something of mine, and—”
Brnnnng! The bell rang and the hall filled instantly with students.
“Tryouts!” shouted Sean, dashing from his classroom and nearly knocking Jeff down again. “To the auditorium!”
Jeff jumped back quickly and turned around. The man with the large green cabbage for a head had disappeared.
Jeff’s own head ached and throbbed. The Cosmic Boy helmet was pinching his ears. “I don’t get it. What’s going on here? Who is that guy? What is that guy?”
Liz came out of the classroom with Holly. She gave Jeff a look. “Jeff, you really should have known the answers to those questions Mrs. C. was asking.”
“Questions? But didn’t you see that guy? He was … different …” Jeff stammered, then he stopped. Wait. Maybe he didn’t see what he thought he saw. Or hear what he thought he heard.
“Plus you have that brain helmet, Jeff,” said Holly. “It’s supposed to make you look smarter. Anyway, come on. Tryouts.”
Jeff followed his friends into the auditorium. On the floor in front of the stage was a long table filled with costumes and makeup. Standing in the middle of the stage was a large painted box with a curtain in front of it.
“Cool!” said Sean, walking over with Mike. “Behind that curtain is where the great and powerful Oz will sit. That’s the part I want.”
“But Jeff’s already got the helmet,” said Mike. “He’s halfway there.”
Jeff shook his helmeted head. Halfway crazy, maybe. He turned to his friends. “I think there’s an alien—”
Woooooooo! Mrs. Carbonese blew hard into a silver whistle she always wore around her neck. “Silence, please!”
Zzzzt! Bzzz! Whrrr! Nnnn! went Jeff’s helmet.
Mrs. Carbonese jerked around. “Jeff Ryan, is that your noisy head again? I’m afraid you’ll have to wait in that box behind the curtain until I call for you.”
Jeff slumped his shoulders and walked up the stage steps to the box with the curtain in front.
But when Jeff pulled aside the curtain, there he was! The man! The alien! With the cabbage-shaped head, all green and leafy!
His legs were crossed. At the ends of his legs were, not green shoes, but green feet!
“Ahhhhh!” cried Jeff, stumbling backward.
“Oh, what now?” said Mrs. Carbonese. “Jeff, these interruptions are hurting your chances of getting the part you want.”
“You have it!” the creature suddenly whispered to Jeff. His voice was raspy and deep. In the middle of his head were two enormous yellow eyes with red veins running through them.
“You have it!” the alien man repeated.
“The part of the Wizard?” asked Jeff.
“No, the Mezmo Head!” the alien said.
“The part of the Mezmo Head?” said Jeff.
The curtain moved and Sean and Mike came over to where Jeff was standing. “Hey, Jeff, what’s going on—whoa! Great costume! What part are you?” Sean said to the creature in the chair.
“Cool lettuce head,” said Mike, peering over Sean’s shoulder at the stranger.
“I think it’s a cabbage,” said Sean. “Those veins give it away. My mom bought one once but I didn’t like the way it tasted or—”
“STOP IT!” cried the alien, getting angry. He turned to Jeff and pointed a long, greenish finger at him. “You have the Head in your house and I want you to bring it to me! Now!” He rolled his big yellow eyes at Jeff. “Do it, or I’ll—” Then the alien jerked his big green head at Jeff.
Bweeeep! came a sound from the alien’s head. The creature stood up.
Jeff’s helmet started buzzing and sparking. “Let’s get out of here!” he cried, bolting from the stage. Sean and Mike jumped after him as the green-headed alien emerged from the box.
“Yikes!” cried Holly, grabbing Liz by the arm. “That guy’s costume is a little too real!”
“Who’s he? The wicked alien of the east?” gasped Liz. She hurtled out into the hallway after her friends.
Bweeeep! the alien screeched again. He leaped from the stage into the hall after them.
“Children, behave,” said Mrs. Carbonese.
“I want my head!” the alien cried.
“Whoa! And he’s got such a big one already!” yelled Mike. “Split up!” He and Holly ducked into a classroom as Jeff, Sean, and Liz raced down the main hall to the front of the school.
Slap! Slap! The alien’s large green feet slapped the floors behind them. The halls echoed loudly.
“He’s still after us!” cried Liz. “We’ve got to get out of here now!”
Jeff’s helmet wagged back and forth as he ran. His mind raced as he tried to make sense of what was happening. “He wants something at my house! Some kind of head. The answer is there! Maybe my mom and dad can help us!”
While Mike and Holly stayed at school, Jeff and the others rushed out the front doors, crossed Main Street, and raced down Birch Street to his house. The satellite dish on the roof wasn’t moving.
“Your parents aren’t home,” Liz said, slowing to catch her breath.
Jeff quickly opened the door and the three friends dived through, locking it behind them. Jeff looked out. “I don’t see him. Maybe we lost him.”
Then he turned to his friends. “Come on with me. We’ve got to check something out.” He began to climb the stairs, but didn’t go left into his room. He went right. Past his parents’ room. Then right again.
“Where are you going?” asked Liz, following close behind him.
Jeff stopped at the door to the attic.
“I’ve never been in this part of your house,” Sean said. “Is this the entrance to your dad’s office?”
Jeff breathed deeply. “I think so. I’ve never gone farther than this door.”
Errch! The attic door opened with a little squeak. Inside was a set of shiny metal stairs with little white lights running up the sides.
“I hope you know not every house has secret rooms like this,” said Liz, following Jeff slowly up the metal stairs.
At the top of the stairs was a solid metal slab. A digital keypad was set in the middle of it. In big red letters across the door was written DANGER.
The keypad beeped as Jeff tapped in some numbers. “One-two-two-eight-eight-five.”
“How did you know that?” asked Sean.
“A voice in my brain told me,” Jeff said.
“I’d like to hear that voice the next time I have a math test,” Sean whispered to Liz.
Vrrrrt! The metal door slid aside, showing a vast room, glowing and twinkling with computer lights and dozens of TV screens. Stenciled on everything was Property of U.S. Government.
Through a skylight in the ceiling they could see the big satellite dish.
“Awesome!” gasped Sean. “This is where your dad works?”
“It’s a total high-tech communications center,” said Liz. “I think.”
A secret room in his own house, Jeff thought. Why did his parents keep so many secrets from him?
Jeff ducked under the door so he wouldn’t catch his Cosmic Boy helmet. He crossed the room and stood before a small silver panel on the wall. He tapped numbers into its keypad. “Zero-two-one-zero-nine-zero. It’s that voice again.”
Vrrrrt! The panel opened. And there it was.
A yellow dome rested on a stand. The dome had fins flying up the back and a long antenna coiling out of the top. On each side of the antenna were silver spoon-shaped panels catching the light as they turned. There were fancy silver nozzles, too.
“It’s a helmet!” gasped Jeff.
“It’s a helmet, all right,” agreed Sean. “But it’s way cooler than yours!” He read the letters along the rim. “Zaldoonian Mezmo Head.”
“That’s what he wants!” gasped Jeff.
“And now—I have
it!” cried a raspy voice.
The three friends turned. There he was, the cabbage-headed alien, at the bottom of the stairs.
His greenish leafy head pulsed as he spoke. “I am Klatoo, a Mezmo from the planet Zaldoon. And that is my official Mezmo Head. It’s a mind control helmet. My ship went down last night and I lost the Head. I heard the buzzing at the X-ray place and thought my helmet might be in there. Then, I picked up signals from your brain. So I knew the Mezmo Head was here!”
“Wow, thanks for the explanation,” said Sean. “It’s pretty complete.”
The alien smiled. “I have studied earthlings. They always want to know things like that.” Suddenly he rolled his giant eyeballs again and snatched the Mezmo Head right off its stand.
“No!” cried Jeff. “You can’t have it!”
“Now,” said Klatoo, grasping the complicated device, “I shall conquer the world!”
Just then, a loud, thundering sound filled the air!
Buy Cosmic Boy Versus Mezmo Head! Now!
About the Author
Over the last two decades, Tony Abbott has written dozens of mysteries, comics, and adventure books for young readers aged six to fourteen, with series including Danger Guys, the Time Surfers, the Weird Zone, Underworlds, Goofballs, and the long-running fantasy series the Secrets of Droon. He is also the author of the fantasy epic Kringle and the realistic novels Firegirl (winner of the 2006 Golden Kite Award for Fiction), The Postcard (winner of the 2008 Edgar Award for Best Juvenile Mystery), and Lunch-Box Dream. Among his latest novels is The Forbidden Stone, the first installment of the twelve-book saga the Copernicus Legacy. Tony has taught on the faculty of Lesley University’s MFA program in creative writing, is a frequent conference speaker and visitor to schools, and presents workshops to creative writers of all ages. His websites include www.tonyabbottbooks.com, www.thecopernicuslegacy.com, and the literary blog www.fridaybookreport.com.
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