Oh how the mighty have fallen, my wolf snarls, making me groan and shove her back. Sometimes she loves me, hates me, laughs at me, but she is part of me—and she’s right. I have fallen from grace, and I have no safety net. Sure, I didn’t want to go home, but I mean a beating is better than being disowned.
At least a beating leaves me alive. Being disowned has the very real possibility of death attached to it. Just ask Jessa Rubens, her family disowned her for daring to speak out and rail against prejudice among what we call the purebloods and contrary to what her family keep telling people, she did not run away.
I don’t know who, how, or even why they could do it, but Jess never left the Rubens house. I know. I shifted hours before that and watched her being dragged in there to stay. Forever.
Only she’s not there. I’ve searched and sniffed and waited, but I never saw her again. I should have told someone, I know that, but what would that have done really? I had, have, no proof, and if I should ever speak out, accuse a leading family of murdering their own, I know my father would….
I swallow the bile rising in my throat, the desperate patter of my heart making nausea intensify when it wings through me.
I don’t know what to do. I can leave. Yes, yes, I can. I can walk down to the enforcers building, beg a ride into Whitefish, and hope that I can catch a bus out of Montana. I could go…somewhere. I don’t know where that is, but it’s better than what I have here—even if it scares me and breaks my heart to leave.
I should have left years ago though, I acknowledge sadly, sighing when I remember Bear asking me to just run away with him, so we could get mated and live in peace.
I refused because I know Bear and I knew it would hurt him to leave his family and disappoint his father by refusing the Alpha position later. I could never do that to him, no matter how selfish I am capable of being.
And I am. I really am. I don’t want to make myself into some victim here because the truth is, I am a terrible person. I lie and cheat, and I take pleasure out of hurting others sometimes.
I don’t know why, but sometimes I need it, okay? Sometimes the only way to get rid of everything is to scream and rail at someone until it’s all out and gone.
Oh God. I don’t want to leave.
“Stop ignoring me. Stop sulking.”
“I’m not sulking, you idiot, I’m thinking,” I respond, ignoring him when he shifts the chair closer.
I wish I could smell him to know what he’s feeling, but as much as I want that, I am just relieved I can’t smell at all because I know I’m nearing my heat again. I can feel it, and lately the only way to avoid it coming on like a thunderstorm is to stay away from him and not feel.
“About being homeless?” he asks conversationally, making me grind my teeth until my jaw aches.
God, why do I lust after this male when he’s a nasty asshole? I ask myself, rolling over onto my back when he doesn’t answer. Not that I blame him because I suck.
“Nope. About bus routes,” I answer honestly, knowing that he’d probably drive me all the way to the airport if I wanted to leave.
He’d do it happily, with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips and dammit, that should not hurt, but it does. Because the truth is, lately all I want is Logan, even if I lie to myself and deny it.
I want sex, a lot of sex, more of that sex he gave me when I broke up with Bear and drank my sorrows away, tumbling into bed with Logan in one bad decision after another. I want it again, damn me, but this time I want no harsh words or insults. Just once, one time, I want to be weak and have happiness before I have to shut myself off again.
“Bus routes?” he asks, clearly bewildered by my response.
“Bus routes. I figure if you idiots let me out of here any time soon, then I can grab a ride into Whitefish and check out bus routes. I think. I don’t know how humans do it, but I’m sure I can figure it out. Or the airport. I could fly,” I say, nibbling at my lip because no, that won’t work. I need to be untraceable.
Darn it, I really don’t think I’m going to be good at disappearing. Oh well, only one way to learn.
“Leave? You’re going to just leave?” he asks incredulously, his chair scraping.
I look over at the bars to see him standing there glaring at me. The male is nuts. Honestly, what else does he expect, that I stand out at the grocery store wearing three-day-old clothes with a board reading: “Banished and homeless. Take pity.”?
Yeah, I won’t last that long, I think, snorting when I imaging my father driving by in his Mercedes and seeing me there, besmirching the family name.
He’d shift mid-gear change and crash his car.
I giggle then, my amusement only lasting long enough for Lync to whine pain again.
Damn that adorable animal, he just gets me.
“Well yes, as a matter of fact, I will, because news flash, I have nowhere else to go,” I tell him, throwing an arm over my face to block out the sight of him.
“That’s weak.”
“Like I care what you think. I have bigger wolves to skin, mixed race. I don’t have time to trade insults with you. Are you letting me out of here or what?”
“No. Not until you and I come to an agreement,” he finally barks, making me drop my arm and look over at him where he’s still as a statue and glaring at me.
“What agreement? Look, I’m going to leave and never come back. Yadayadaydah! I get it, okay. No one wants me or likes me, and I need to leave and never return. Save me the dramatic growls and just go tell the Alpha you’re finally rid of my sweet, gorgeous ass. I won’t even stop in town for coffee and cake, even if I am hungry,” I promise sweetly, expecting a smile instead of the loud howl he lets off.
The sound shuts me up immediately and wipes the smile off my face so fast I only realize I’m on my feet in the corner when my heart stops galloping.
I haven’t ever seen him this angry, not even when I was rude to Mika at dinner once. Seeing him this way, so vital and male, has my body trying to respond despite my inner voice screaming at me to drop to my knees and submit.
This is the only part of being a wolf shifter that I hate. My inner wolf is on her haunches and lowering her head, demanding that I lower myself for a male she considers hers.
I stay standing only by sheer force of will and find myself staring at Logan where he’s panting, finally calming from his snit.
“You’re not going any goddamn where! Do you understand me? You’re Greyriver pack, and you don’t leave with your tail between your legs just because your father is an asshole!” he yells, his fist wrapping around the bars where he rattles them furiously.
I blink, not quite knowing what to do now, but more than sure that I don’t understand this male, not one bit. He hates me, and yet here he stands, yelling at me as if he cares when really…
That’s all I ever wanted, I think, swallowing to hide a sniffle. For a long time, I wanted him, hell when I was young, he was all I saw. All I could feel every time we were close.
It was a hard pill to swallow when I turned seventeen and he told me definitively that he despises me. It hurt so much that I stayed at home for a week and cried in my bed, telling my mother I was on my period when I wasn’t because it’s about the only time a shifter female gets to stay buried without an explanation.
Of course, I had to thank God that I was in the basement a week later so that Mom wouldn’t see that I had lied, and believe you me, it is disgusting having your period in the dark with no tampons or bathing and bugs everywhere.
“Hannah!”
“What? Sorry, I spaced a little,” I mumble, digging my back into the wall behind me while he stares me down with a frown.
“Why would you leave town?” he asks, his eyes flashing when I try to shrug nonchalantly.
I feel a stirring in my mind, that familiar, strange stirring that signals a vision or melding or whatever the hell it is! I try to push it back, not needing this to happen with Logan around, especially because he’s a
round, but the sensation persists, and before I can blink, I see my father standing in front of the mantle at home yelling at Mom.
She’s crying, sobbing really, and begging him to calm down and understand. What she wants him to understand I don’t know, but whatever he’s about to say stops when he looks up to see my brothers walking in, their faces so tired I feel my heart squeeze.
“Well, what have you heard?”
“Nothing, Father. There is nothing. No more attacks have taken place, no disturbances. We’re still patrolling on the premise that Nick wants the pack safe and in the clear,” Brig says, not even flinching when Dad slams his hand down against the mantle, snapping the wood in half.
“How is this possible! The attacks can’t just stop. Something must be going on.”
“Maybe they stopped because Flame and Bear’s mates shot one. We don’t know, but we’ve been listening, and everything is returning to normal. Patrols are still out, but that is it,” Blain says again, reiterating his belief that the invasions have stopped for now at least.
“I need something to take to the council to throw them off this scandal. If not, they’ll appoint Banes in the head seat, Goddammit.”
I feel his anger, his desperation, and for the briefest moment I feel sympathy for the man who was once my father. It doesn’t last though, not when he sneers at a photo of me still left on the side table and swipes it away with enough disdain to stop my heart.
“She will not stay in this town tainting our family name! Do you hear me?” he roars getting silent nods from my brothers. “You’ll take care of it. She’s locked up for now and unreachable, but the minute she is free, I want it done.”
The vision ends there, and my knees buckle, dumping me to the floor with tears streaming down my face.
“Hannah!”
I expect Logan to yell at me and accuse me of being drunk still, but the male surprises me by reaching in to grab my arm, dragging me to the bars where his arms wrap around me, keeping me from falling over.
“Are you—?”
“I need to leave now. Please Logan! Please. I know you don’t like me, and I understand, but please, please I don’t want to die,” I whisper, my emotions too overwhelming to keep them caged any more.
“What the hell is going on? What happened? Talk to me, dammit!” he yells, shaking me.
Lync growls a warning, bringing me back to myself, and I shove away, trembling when I make it to my feet and swipe angrily at the tears wetting them.
Logan backs up, holding his hands out in a gesture of surrender, his eyes winging between Lync and I while the male snarls and bares his teeth. I should leave him to snap and snarl, remind Logan that I am not alone here, but I can’t handle the frustration I hear as well, because somewhere deep inside I know Lync feels helpless being trapped behind bars and unable to help.
“Calm down, big male. Just calm down, okay? He didn’t hurt me,” I say softly, slowly turning to let him see me. “I’m fine, just fine. I just got a little woozy, okay?” I lie, the words leaving me easily because I am so good at it.
My one talent, I think with derision lacing my thoughts, making me smirk and pat myself on the back. At least I have one that doesn’t include sucking dick and playing piano. It’s an elite thing, you wouldn’t understand.
Lync finally calms down, eying Logan suspiciously before he retakes his seat on the floor and watches us intently. When he’s calm, Logan turns to me, his frown filled with…dare I say…concern.
“You’re white as a ghost, Hannah. Are you okay? Was that a…did you hear someone’s thoughts?” he asks, his skepticism making me laugh humorlessly.
Oh what the hell. So what if I tell him that I hear voices? The male would probably assume I’m a fruitcake, so I may as well just be honest. I have nothing to lose telling the truth, and besides, I need to get the hell out of here.
“I saw my father tell my brothers to kill me,” I admit, my voice calm and filled with acceptance. “I need to leave. He’ll never let me live in this town and shame him further.”
And I think I knew that before that vision, but now I know it! And it’s scary. I am no weakling, but I am not a male with unlimited courage either. I don’t watch movies or read books and tell myself I can Lara Croft my way out of situations.
I’m a realist, a hard-core, see-things-like-they-are kinda girl, and I know that if two wolves, hell one, comes after me, I am dead. I don’t fool myself into believing that I can outrun a male wolf who has a hundred pounds on me, twice the muscle, and a hundred times the motivation.
Of course, life would motivate me, but come on, I am only a shifter, one little shifter who’s been starved to keep off weight, even if we don’t carry that much excess weight anyway and taught that muscular females are masculine.
Once again, it’s an elite mind-set that I can’t explain, but to say that it’s crazy and what I have lived with all my life. I may not disagree with everything my people think, but I know how crazy they are. I have lived through the proof of what they will do to maintain their bloodlines.
“That is crazy. He wouldn’t dare. The Alpha would rip him apart.”
I smirk, shaking my head and wonder what exactly is supposed to be so great about being born into a leading family who considers themselves elite. The way I see it, people like Logan and his friends are much better off. At least their parents form love matches and love their young.
“Didn’t anyone in this pack ever wonder why a female like Jessa Rubens would pack up and just leave? She was promised to a Banes male, and everyone who is everyone knows that a Banes is coveted dahliing,” I drawl, smirking when he shudders and grins at my tone.
“Maybe she ran away to escape it.”
“Logan, the female thought she was going to rule the social set before she grew a conscience and started talking about blood being meaningless. Put two and two together, man. One day she walked into her parents’ home after a particularly public speech, and the next she was gone. I saw her walk into that house. She never came back out. That was three years ago,” I say matter of factly, my voice holding firm even when he curses and stares at me.
“They got rid of her? And you kept it quiet?!” he yells.
“Of course, I kept quiet! What was I supposed to say, ‘Oh Alpha, I think they killed Jessa, but I have no proof and no way to get it.’ Give me a break. I like living, thank you, and as far as I could tell, that female knew better. Don’t you sneer at me. You, the big bad lead enforcer, who walks around protecting the weaker but doesn’t even see what’s under his nose,” I accuse, laughing mirthlessly.
“We protect the pack, patrol the boundaries—”
“And what about what happens in your own town? Do you know that Marley Rubens hasn’t been in town for weeks because her mate saw her looking at another male one day and keeps her there? She’s allowed to run only when he’s around because he knows she’ll run to the Alpha. Vivien Dukes has had six young in six years and she’s so depleted she’s been sneaking birth control for months without her mate knowing because he’ll beat her if he finds out. Wake up, enforcer. There is so much more going on in this pack than invasions and the council, but all you see is the obvious. I bet you don’t know that if half that council was made up of females we’d have supported the Alpha instead of constantly having at him.”
Yeah, equality people!
In the families, those who consider blood the true test, females are bargaining chips. We don’t even get to consider Fatings because if your parents give you to a male, that’s it.
Logan seems shocked, and I don’t think I can blame him because no one knows family business except those who have to live it. I used to ask God why I couldn’t have been born into another family all the time until I realized it was stupid to ask.
I got what I got, so I had to adapt and live, and I did just that. I refuse to apologize for what I had to do to live well, and I don’t care if that makes me a bad person. I like me just fine. Most of the time.
&n
bsp; “Christ. You know I’ll have to tell Nick.”
“Tell him anything you goddamn want to, just let me the hell out of here, Logan. I need to leave!” I hiss, grasping the bars and giving a shake of frustration.
Lync snarls, picking up my mood, and I smile at him, or try to, before meeting Logan’s green eyes. He’s looking at me in a way I haven’t ever seen him look before, and that—more than anything—scares me.
“You can’t leave here, Hannah.”
“They’ll kill me! My brothers aren’t bad—”
“Your brothers will die painfully if they so much as sniff your scent on the wind, this I vow. I don’t care if you love them or hate us all for it,” he snarls, making me laugh.
“Love! Love doesn’t mean a thing, you idiot. Do you think I care about that? I don’t want to stay here and be the reason they die. They may not be good, but they aren’t bad.”
“I don’t give a damn what they are, as long as they stay away from you.”
The words give me pause, making a place I’d closed up long ago open a crack, as something I think may be hope settles into my chest. The feeling is so startling that for a second, I think he may actually care—
“I need your help, Hannah. When you’re done, I will personally give you all the money you need and put you on a flight out of this place.”
Aaaand that lasted five gloriously unproductive seconds, I think, sneering back at him to stop myself from caring. Much.
I go still, my eyes narrowing on him while Lync paces.
“Paaaaain!”
“Goddammit, Lync, just be quiet, would you?!” I yell, my endurance nearing its end when I look up to see Logan staring at me, his expression calculating.
I should know, I think, my eyeballs burning, everyone fucking one wants something.
Bear wanted a buffer, someone to make him believe that he didn’t want what his parents have. My parents want a perfect little bargaining chip, and my brothers want someone they can use as a contingency for whatever the heck they’re working on.
And now Logan. Not that I’m surprised, I mean, I know better than to expect more, but for just one second, one blinding second, I thought I could have…something.
Greyriver Shifters Page 30
