Rolling over and immediately missing the warmth of her little body curled into mine, I look through the window where the wind is howling outside, swaying tree branches and signaling the nearing of snow.
I smell it on the air the more time passes, and with every cold breath I feel my time running out, making me tense and angry, and yeah, an asshole.
Closing my eyes, I try to tell myself that I can fix this tomorrow and fall asleep with the vow to make Hannah believe in me as much as I want to believe in her.
# # # #
Hannah
My eyes are dry when I roll out of bed in the early hours of the morning, moving slowly, silently, so as not to wake Logan as I slide on the pink silk robe Ros gave me and move out of the bedroom.
Making my way downstairs, slowly, my feet leaden and heavy, I stop in the kitchen to grab a bottle of scotch before opening the door leading to the back porch.
The air is freezing when I step out, the cold tang of snow hanging heavily as I lower myself onto the glider and look into the distance where I hear one of the pack running, patrolling the boundary of our territory.
I feel numb, barely noticing the cold, when I tip the bottle and take a large swallow, the fiery burn centering in my chest where it hurts, licking over the ache in a way that relieves some of the pressure.
I refuse to cry. I refuse.
I won’t hurt or let myself care that my mate just used sex, my own body against me, to get answers to questions he should already know the answers to.
He should know. God, shouldn’t he know that I would never betray him that way? I think, swallowing more scotch to make the burn replace that ache, just long enough for me to grasp control over my emotions.
“Why should he know?” I whisper, my voice a sneer of derision when it occurs to me that I have no room to judge anyone.
I haven’t given anyone so much as a chance or a reason to trust me, and honestly, why would they give me the benefit of the doubt? I’m a bitch who enjoys making others hurt. I am nasty and selfish, and I look out for myself because I don’t care about other people if I don’t have to.
I care though. About Logan. At least I must care because having him break me of my usual control and make me lose my hold on my body isn’t what is hurting me most, as I thought it would.
It’s that he still looks at me and thinks I’m the female who would do something to harm others. I had thought by now, after my offer to help find his friend, that he would know better.
I haven’t ever hurt, or knowingly hurt, another person in my life. I mean, I’m a bitch, and I run my mouth—sometimes with amusing results—but I don’t hurt people.
I can’t! I know what hurt is. I know what comes of putting people under my father’s thumb. Nick, Prissy…I would never cause them harm by sharing something this monumental unless I had a plan that would ensure their safety and help Nick in some way.
I know what pain is.
I couldn’t put them at the mercy of a council who has no feelings other than the thirst for power.
And yet that is what Logan must think of me, I guess. Taking another swig, enjoying the burn and hoping to at least get a buzz off one bottle, I bite my lip and keep my eyes dry despite the hurt that tries to push forward.
He…he touched me so tenderly last night. He claimed me for our first mating with such care, I think…but that doesn’t matter! None of it matters, I tell myself, sneering at my stupid emotional side.
It’s just sex. Sex. You’ve had sex before, and you know it means nothing. This bond. It’s empty. It’s your bond, clinging to a male who isn’t ever going to let himself fully bond to you because he doesn’t trust you.
The thought makes me cringe because I can’t see myself living the next hundred and odd years with Logan, always trying to prove to him that I’m worthy, fighting myself because the truth is I don’t know that I am, but I want to be.
It kills me that I care about him, that I feel so much, so fast—when clearly, he doesn’t feel anything for me other than responsibility. And yeah, I could kick my own ass for knowing this and trying to color it pretty by telling myself that he wants more and that we can love each other.
I think I’m more pissed at myself for being so stupid as to foster hope, an emotion I promised myself has no place in my life. I shouldn’t care. I should take the sex, enjoy the protection, and have the young I’ve always wanted and be satisfied with what I have.
It’s better than what I had going for me and a hell of a lot better than being dead, I tell myself, drinking a good portion of the scotch before a light buzz sweeps through me.
“You shouldn’t be out here.”
I grunt when I hear Banner’s voice and look over to see him coming up the porch steps, his utter silence making me blink because I didn’t so much as hear a whisper of his approach.
Oh, I caught a scent, but I thought it was far off. Having him sneak up on me tells me that I’m becoming complacent, and I hate that. I have to be prepared at all times. Life’s taught me that lesson.
“You’re creepy quiet for a big old lumbering bear.” I sniff, taking another drink when he sits beside me and gives me a look from the corner of his eye.
He chuckles, taking the bottle to drink and hands it back to me with a curse.
“That shit is the good stuff, so be careful or it’ll put you on your ass.”
“Oh puhlease, I grew up sucking this stuff down. It’s mother’s milk to the elite,” I sneer, enjoying his look of surprise before he shakes his head.
“What’s got my favorite girl drinking at two in the morning?”
“It’s a hobby.”
“Come on Hannah, don’t sneer at me. You know your insults don’t mean shit to me when I know you adore me.”
“I feel nothing.”
“Bullshit—”
“Is the biological bodily function—”
“Of a bull’s asshole,” he finishes, smiling at my huff of impatience. “I haven’t forgotten that one little sister. No matter how much time has passed between us. I also remember that you have a habit of being a bitch when you feel vulnerable.”
I growl low in my throat, feeling irritation and reluctant amusement fill me because I know this guy and he’s right. No amount of time will change that we once knew each other better than anyone has ever known me.
He knows all my tricks, all of my tells, and didn’t ever let me get away with it.
“Or I just am a bitch, in which case you’re barking up the wrong tree, bear mutt,” I taunt, making him grin. “What are you doing here? Don’t you usually go to the bar after a long shift?”
“Eh, it’s getting old sniffing the same ground for pussy.” He shrugs, making me fight a smile.
“If I recall, that is not what you told me three years ago when I called you a whore. You said variety is the spice of life, and you wanted to test out every flavor of honey to satisfy your bear.”
“Well, the variety is gone.” He laughs, making me gag and shudder.
“Banner—”
“What’s eating you, little sister? Don’t get all prickly with me and try to chase me away. You know I never do what’s expected of me. Why don’t you tell me what’s got you so twisted up? I scented your pain from a mile away.”
Hell.
“Brig called me today,” I admit, saying it easily now that Logan knows.
Hell, by tomorrow afternoon everyone in his circle will know, including Nick, who I really do not want breathing down my neck. I may as well just spill it and not care that I feel like hell for having answered the call. Or that I’m still considering doing what Brig wants.
“What for? I should just kill that fucker.” He snarls, getting a real smile from me this time.
“He’s not worth it. Trust me. And no, as I told Logan, I don’t know how he got the number, and yes, he wanted me to spy, or whatever it is he calls it, to clear his conscience, and no, I—in fact—did not tell him anything, contrary to what everyone would assume,”
I tell him, drinking when the ache sets in again.
Banner grunts, grabbing the bottle to finish off the last quarter of liquor, and shakes his head.
“I never said you would, or did tell him anything, Han. Hell, it never crossed my mind,” he says softly, making my eyes wing over to his.
The golden brown is clear, free of deceit, and so soft when he looks at me, I feel my throat close up with emotion before I can stop it.
“Logan did,” I admit, my voice a hoarse whisper of suppressed pain.
Chapter Seventeen
Hannah
The sound makes Banner growl, his bear coming to the fore when his eyes flash and spark, the color going an eerie liquid gold that is beautiful in its uniqueness.
“He’s an idiot. He should have known—”
“It’s no big deal, Ban, so quit the male snarls already before you wake him up and he comes down here to chew on my tits again. I’m just not into it right now, okay,” I mutter, eyeing the bottle he’s clutching and hating that it’s empty.
I hardly have a buzz going at all, and it’s only two. I know I won’t sleep, so it seems reasonable that I get trashed and forget for a few hours that I want to cry or grab a skillet and march upstairs to hit Logan. Over and over again.
“Fuck, I wish my brother wasn’t such an asshole.”
“You and me both. I now remember why I didn’t mate him in the first place,” I say with a laugh, leaning back to look out at the clear night sky.
Banner grunts, settling in again, and remains quiet for so long I think he’s finally done with his feelings drivel.
“I remember when you worshipped the ground he walked on.”
Fuck.
“I was young, stupid, and completely ruled by hormones. I wised up and got a brain instead of letting my vagina tell me what I should want,” I scoff, ignoring his knowing snigger.
“You used to tell me that you were gonna mate him and give him ten babies that you hoped would have some cat in them.”
“I was already drinking then.” I sniff, smirking when he huffs and shakes his head.
“What changed that little girl, I wonder?”
“I grew up and started listening to reason. Why the hell would I want some half-breed mutt’s—”
“Give the elite drivel a rest, Han. You and I both know it doesn’t mean shit to you. You hated all that pureblood speak then, and I know you don’t cotton to it now, so just quit it,” he cuts in, making me grind my jaw to stop from snarling at him to shut up and leave me alone.
“Banner, what do you want? I’m just trying to drink here and get some silence.” I sigh, slumping back when he mutters a curse and leans forward with his elbows on his knees.
“I wanted to talk to the female I’ve missed since I was eight years old and heartbroken over losing my best friend. I want to talk and get to know the real female, not the one everyone thinks you are. I want to be your friend again—because not one day has gone by that I haven’t missed you,” he says somberly, making me snort.
“You hated me, so don’t give me that shit.”
“I hated who you became, Han. Not you.”
His words give me pause and make my chest tight with emotion and fear. I don’t need him coming here and trying to break through walls with his psychobabble and emotional drivel. I don’t need him to see what no one else ever does and make it hard to keep it all inside me where I don’t want to see it.
I want to be alone, just long enough to build it back up again and seal in the cracks.
“You’re being an idiot. This is me,” I argue.
“Is it really? Because what I see is a female who is mated to a male she adored since she was six years old and sporting more hair on her arms than a gorilla—”
“That’s not fair! Your cousin Jules had a fucking single slab of red masquerading as an eyebrow till she was sixteen!” I gasp, blushing at the memory of Bear and Logan teasing me about my hair.
All females have some sort of hair overload until they transition in their mid to late teens. It’s unavoidable, though God help me, my mom tried to avoid it with a vengeance, waxing me twice a week until I was convinced I would lose skin, or wished to—just to stop the pain.
He laughs, the deep baritone rumble a sound of pure amusement and the tenderness he feels for Jules.
“She was ugly as hell until she came into her own and shed. Hell, even Bear used to tease her.” He chuckles, making me giggle because the male was relentless in his taunting.
“He loves her though,” I say, smiling sadly because what I wouldn’t have given for that.
I didn’t get teased. I was groomed and tortured with the knowledge that I could never step off the path I was on. My father demanded perfection, at all times, and would lose it if he so much as spied one stray hair that had been missed.
I would have been in deep shit if I ever confessed that I had pubic hair—something altogether unshifter-like, seeing as we never grow pubes—and that it only shed when I was seventeen, right before my full change.
“He does. And I love you,” he says quietly, making me tense and swallow, keeping my eyes firmly fixed on the view or I know I’ll do something stupid like cry.
“Banner—”
“I do. You’re my friend, the only person who understood what I felt being so different. I’m not like other shifters, Hannah. I didn’t get to have a dominant animal push the other to the background like other mixed breeds. I have bear and wolf fighting inside me all the time, messing with everything inside me. You always understood that and told me that maybe God made me this way because He knew I was strong and that two animals made me better than everyone else.”
I sniff, swallowing when the memory comes to me, making my mouth ache to smile at the two of us so young and naïve. Banner was my pal. Sure, we fought, and I’d insult him, that was just the way we were, but we always had each other’s backs.
I’d remind him that he was perfect, no matter how different he was, and he’d remind me that someone loved me. I remember the day I told Banner that he was better, faster, smarter than all other shifters because when I went home, filled with childish happiness I got slapped around for an hour before Daddy tossed me into the basement to learn my lesson about mixing with a common mutt.
After that, it became clear to me that my friendships would have to be hidden, that if I wanted to keep my friends—and the families who came with them—I’d have to pretend sometimes and make Daddy believe I was being good.
So I did. I changed what everyone saw, my little heart aching because I knew it was wrong, but…but it was the only way my young mind could figure to stay friends with everyone.
It didn’t work. Not long after that Ros Kilter banished me from her home, from her sons. She threatened to drag me home and toss me at my father’s feet and tell him all about me.
Unbeknownst to her, he’d have celebrated me if he’d ever found out that I was a bigot. But that was it for me. No friends. Logan also shamed me, threatened me, and told me exactly what he thought of me the one time I tried to talk to Banner in public—only to have my mother come up behind me and force me to sneer and throw insults at him.
I won’t ever forget the disgust he threw at me or the fact that my little girl heart broke that day, knowing my Logan hated me.
“I miss that Han. I have my family and my friends, but no one understands. They think I struggle with both sides and that all it takes is pushing one away to let the other dominate.”
I snort, thinking these people must not have much sense because it’s only logical to understand that Banner is one body with two animals who are a part of him. No way could one constantly fight the other. It would rip him apart.
No, he’s two animals. All the time. He just doesn’t allow them to shift at the same time because seeing a wolf the size of a bear, with the speed and brutal power of them both in one body would scare the shit out of people.
Idiots.
“They’re all assholes,” I mu
tter, making him laugh.
“Except you. You always knew, and you’re not afraid of it.”
“Why would I be? Honestly, Banner, do you know how cool it is to know someone who could rip an entire pack to shreds without breaking a sweat?”
“And do you know how cool it is for me to know a female who didn’t give a shit about any of that and just wanted to be my friend?” he asks quietly.
I still, looking over at him, and give in to the urge to take his hand in mine, some part of me needing his comfort as much as I think he needs mine.
“I would never betray you or Bear, and that means I would never tell my brother anything that could hurt Nick. Brig says that my father knows something is wrong and that he’s digging into the invasions. That’s not good, Ban. He’ll find out about Barbie, and I don’t think I—or anyone else—can stop it. I need to find her before things blow apart.”
“Then find her, Hannah.”
“It’s not that simple! This ability has only resurfaced recently. I don’t have a clue about using it or how to control it, never mind how I’d use it to find a female who could be miles away, hell in another state or country by now,” I say, frustration lacing my voice as I stand and stalk to the railing. “I want to do this, I do, but I don’t know how. Hell, I don’t even know why it came back.”
“When did it come back?” he asks curiously, coming to stand beside me and watch the wind whip through the trees.
I’m getting cold now, the scotch burning off fast with my metabolism, and I rub at my arms distractedly trying to think of an exact time when I first felt the strange stirrings in my head.
Banner grunts, removing his jacket to throw around my shoulders and keeps watching me in his eerily silent way.
“Maybe…I don’t know, after Bear left me? I was…drinking. My father was not happy that I’d brought embarrassment upon the family by being rejected for a human mate,” I admit, shrugging when he snarls. “Don’t sweat it, Banner; he’s an asshole.”
Greyriver Shifters Page 41
