Szerain had existed thus for the past decade and a half. Horrific. I had no idea how he remained sane. I doubted I’d have lasted more than a week.
I slid my arm around him. “Mzatal’s very good to me. And for me.” I let out a low sigh. “I’m still a bit of a mess from what Rhyzkahl did to me, and I really believe Mzatal wants me to be, well, whole again.”
Ryan continued to stare up at the ceiling. “Yeah. That’s good. Can’t deny you look and sound better.”
“I’m getting there,” I said, then winced. “Sure wish I’d listened to you earlier though. About Rhyzkahl.”
He swiveled his head to look at me. “Yeah. What the hell is that all about?” he asked. “I know how I was, am, about you being around Rhyzkahl. But I don’t get that with Mzatal.” A perplexed look crossed his face. “Sure, I get my fits of jealousy, but it’s not the same at all. Makes no sense. I don’t know either one of the bastards.”
Ryan didn’t know them, but Szerain sure did since he’d spent millennia with them. Ryan was Szerain and Szerain was Ryan, but in an unhealthy, cruel imbalance. Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell Ryan that was why he had fervent opinions he didn’t understand. “I think it must be part of your talent or whatever,” I said with a diffident shrug. “You’ve met them both, and maybe you got a shitty vibe from Rhyzkahl and a not so shitty one from Mzatal.”
He didn’t look convinced. “Maybe. But I’m pretty sure I had it in for Rhyzkahl long before I had the so-called pleasure of meeting him.” He gave me a wry smile. “Must be my impeccable instinct. You’ll listen to me from now on.”
“I absolutely will,” I said and snuggled up against him a bit. “It’s nice to be back home.”
Ryan went still for a second then shifted to drape his arm over my shoulders. “I wonder what I can think up to tell you.”
I laughed. “Behave, or I won’t believe you when it’s important.”
“The Fed who cried wolf?” he said with a smile, though I sensed something more brewed within him.
“Something like that,” I said.
He went quiet. The smile faded and his body tensed as the something more revealed itself. “I saw you two when you left—you and Mzatal,” he said. “I felt what there was between you. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I did. I know.” With each word, his voice grew more strained, more intense. “What does that mean for you and me?”
What the hell was I supposed to say to Ryan? Szerain wouldn’t have an issue with this, but Ryan was in control right now. Maybe something to pacify him without lying?
“The lords don’t really do the monogamy-jealousy thing,” I said carefully. “And I do care for Mzatal, love him even.” There was zero use denying it. Ryan had felt it before, and if anything, it was stronger now. Besides, it sure wouldn’t be hidden once I summoned Mzatal.
I twined my fingers through his. “Ryan, I do love you. And not just as a friend.” Okay, maybe this wasn’t as pacifying as I’d intended it to be, but a big part of me wanted Ryan, not Szerain, to accept me for me. And at the same time a part of me wondered what the hell I was doing. Ryan wasn’t real. At the most he might be a distorted shadow of Szerain.
“You’re more than just friends with Mzatal, too!” he retorted, voice sharp and tinged with frustration. “What do you want me to say? It’s okay, I’ll share? That’s not happening.”
“No, no! It’s not that,” I protested, aching for him and for me. Or maybe it was exactly that. Shit. Why the hell hadn’t I kept my big mouth shut and played the I-don’t-know-and-I’m-confused game to let this blow over? “Never mind,” I said. “Forget everything I just said. You asked what my relationship with Mzatal means for you and me, and I don’t know what it means.”
Ryan pulled his hand from mine. “Yeah. Right. Forget what you said. Like that’s going to happen.” He shot to his feet, stalked several steps away and stood with his back to me, right hand opening and closing repeatedly. “He might not be into monogamy and all that, but what about you?” he demanded. “You’re from here. Are you throwing all that away because he doesn’t have the same values? Oh, wait. Maybe those aren’t your values?”
The ache blossomed to agony with the vehemence in his tone. All perspective on the Ryan-Szerain quandary evaporated, and I stood. “Fuck you, Ryan,” I said to his back, using my pain to fuel my anger. “Fuck you and your values. You think I’m some kind of slut now?” I took a shaking breath. “In the past year and a half, I’ve slept with exactly two men—Rhyzkahl and Mzatal. TWO,” I repeated loudly. “And I’ve loved two: you and Mzatal. It’s not like I fucked my way through the demon realm or jumped straight into Mzatal’s bed! I was trying to tell you that I still had—have—you in my heart, that there was room for you there in whatever way you’re willing to have me.” I realized I was crying, realized that the pain was real and that this was fucked. “I went through HELL, and Mzatal put me back together,” I continued, voice rising to a shout, “and I don’t need you or anyone else judging me for the relationship that followed.”
I didn’t wait to hear what he came up with next. I turned, fled up the stairs and to my room, pursued by a stream of loud and mostly unintelligible curses. Channeling all the fury and pain that boiled through me, I slammed my door, threw myself on the bed and sobbed like a heartbroken teenager.
A few minutes later I heard a knock on the door. I sat up, snarled, “Go away, Ryan! I don’t need more of your shit!”
Jill answered. “Nope, it’s me.”
Relief swept through me. Exactly who I needed. I wiped my eyes. “Come in.”
She opened the door, and I did a double take. When I’d left, her pregnancy had been showing, but now, at about eight months along, it was showing and even more prominent due to her petite frame. “Damn. You’re preggers.”
“No shit, Sherlock,” she said as she moved to sit beside me on the bed. “Glad to see you still have those awesome detective skills. I came over for a visit and walked in on a major throwdown. Now, tell me. What the hell did Ryan do to you?”
As though on cue, the basement door slammed with violent force.
I wiped my eyes again. “Shit. We were talking. It was nice. And then he said he knew Mzatal and I were together and asked what that meant for him and me.” She offered a tissue, and I paused to blow my nose. “And shit,” I continued, “I didn’t even know what to say, so I said something dumb about how I loved Mzatal but loved Ryan too, and not just as a friend. As soon as I said it, I knew it was the wrong thing to say, but by then it was too late, y’know? He got all pissy and ‘what, you expect me to share?’” I sighed, still feeling the sting of his response. “I told him that wasn’t what I meant but later thought maybe it was. And I told him I didn’t know what any of it meant for him and me.” I looked over at her. “I was floundering, but doing okay up to that point. Then he got really assholeish and started going on about how I’d thrown away my values. Fucking shit! My goddamn values.” I exhaled a shuddering breath as some of the tension melted. Simply being able to vent my frustration helped. “And that’s about the time I told him, ‘Fuck you and your values’ and some other stuff and came up here.”
“Oh jeez. What you said!” Jill put her arm around me and gave me a squeeze. “You’ve been away a while, and it sounds like you’re used to talking pretty openly about stuff.” She wrinkled her nose. “Ryan’s a guy and, well, you know how he is.”
I snorted. “Yeah, I do.” Yet I knew what she didn’t. Ryan wasn’t just a guy. I knew the Ryan-Szerain struggle, had a better understanding of his moodiness and the challenges he faced. It was no wonder that, after Szerain tasted a sliver of freedom, he fought to reclaim it, even if it unbalanced his entire prison, Ryan included. I needed to remember that before doing or saying shit that would screw them both up. Away from the heat of the moment, that knowledge sparked a stab of guilt.
I should’ve been able to keep it together better for both of us. I sighed. Too late now to worry about it. “Jesus, woman,” I said. �
�You’re really pregnant.”
She grinned and laid a hand on her belly. “A bit. She’s feisty!”
“It’s the tail,” I said with as straight a face as I could manage. “I’ve heard they’re usually twice as long in demon-human babies as—” I ducked and laughed as she grabbed a pillow and swung at me.
“You are EVIL!” she yelled, but laughter danced in her eyes. “You’re damn lucky I asked Zack a long time ago if I was going to have to push out something with wings. Plus, I’ve seen the ultrasound. Bitch.”
I grinned. “Yeah, I figured you’d had an ultrasound by now, and didn’t think you’d be so calm if it had four arms.”
“Two arms and two legs,” she stated firmly. “No wings. And no tail.”
I resisted the urge to tease her more. “Got any names picked out yet?”
“Nothing that’s stuck. And Zack won’t commit to anything.” Her amusement slipped away. “He won’t even talk about it anymore except to say it’s too soon to name her.”
“Too soon?” I gave her an incredulous look. “She’ll be here in a month!”
“I know, but he won’t budge,” she said with a touch of resentment. “He’s so weird sometimes.” Then she gave a dismissive wave of her hand. “Enough of that. What’s next for you?”
“I’m back on Earth to find Idris.” I quickly filled her in on who he was and the search for him, and how special he was to both Mzatal and me. “So to really get the ball rolling, I have to summon Mzatal tonight.” A scowl tugged at my mouth. “That’s sure to set Ryan off again.”
Jill shifted to face me more. “Yeah, about that.” She narrowed her eyes in the way that told me she wasn’t on board with something. “Did I hear you say you told Ryan you loved Mzatal? You do? Really?”
My scowl deepened. I didn’t need anyone else judging my relationship. I took a deep breath and did a mental pygah. “He’s really special to me. We worked closely for two months before we slept together. And it’s been another four months since then. So, yes. We’ve grown really close.”
“That’s cool,” she said unconvincingly. “I wanted to check and be sure. But he has to be a miracle worker to raise my opinion of these lords.”
“Trust me, babe, he has the miracle worker part covered,” I told her fervently. “I’m telling you, I was in bad shape after Rhyzkahl damn near destroyed me.”
Her brow wrinkled. “That’s about all you said when you came back last time. What did Rhyzkahl do to you?”
I hesitated, then stood and stripped off my shirt. “This is what he did to me.”
Jill’s hands flew to her mouth. “Oh my god.”
I lifted my arms, turned a slow circle to give her a clear view of all twelve sigil scars that covered my torso, front and back. One for each demonic lord, and then one more whose purpose had been to harness and focus the power of the other eleven.
Naked horror filled her eyes. “Why? How?”
I lowered my arms. “It was a ritual meant to turn me into a thrall, a tool for him to use to further other plans. And, to lay the foundation to recover an arcane blade similar to the one he used to carve these into me.” I pulled my shirt on again. “As for the how, he slugged me, bound me in strappado position, then took his knife to me. Both shoulders dislocated, fractured cheekbone, mental and emotional torment, and . . . the scars.”
“Oh my god.”
“Yep. That about sums it up.” My mouth tightened. “Oh, and this was after he made love to me in the middle of the ritual circle.” I sat heavily on the edge of the bed. “Stupid. Blind.”
Jill pulled me into a hug. “I’m so sorry, babe. I want to kill him.”
I returned the hug. “Mzatal got me out of there before Rhyzkahl could finish it.” I said. “He healed me, but it was a lot longer before I could trust anyone, myself included.” I sighed. “There were so many signs that I missed or ignored.”
Jill echoed my sigh. “Probably because he was a hunk. And I sure didn’t help matters by telling you to ignore Ryan and enjoy the sex.” Guilt flashed across her face.
I pulled back to look into her face. “No, don’t do that,” I said sharply. “Your advice was spot on with the knowledge you had. I had a lot more information, a lot more clues. Some were obvious in hindsight, though subtle at the time, while others were like glaring neon signs. He even went on my computer, for fuck’s sake!” I blew my nose on a fresh tissue to get rid of the last gunk from my cry. “He knew how lonely and needy I was, and he used it, knew I’d be blind to his bullshit because of my stupid angst.”
“He played you hard,” she said, a scowl deeply etched on her face. “He needs to get taken down for sure. Motherfucker.”
“I’m with you there.” I gave her hand a light squeeze. “Anyway, Mzatal’s been really good for me,” I said, smiling. “I’m stronger now. Not just physically.” I chuckled. “I’m a forged-in-fire bitch.”
“And you have muscles,” she noted, leveling a proud smirk at me. “I thought you were allergic to exercise.”
I let out a laugh. “Well, now I’m allergic to getting my ass kicked. Funny how the threat of serious bodily harm can change your attitude.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Guess it’s worse than the Beaulac bad guys.”
I thought of the Mraztur. “Lots worse.” I tilted my head. “If you stay late tonight, you can meet Mzatal when I summon him.” Then I groaned. “Which reminds me, I have to go back down to Ryan’s basement to charge the storage diagram some more. Shit.”
“I confess, the thought of meeting Mzatal weirds me out,” she said, “but I also want to see what the hell you’re up to.” Then she wrinkled her nose in sympathy. “I don’t know what to say about the Ryan-in-the-basement situation.”
“Fuck it.” I shrugged. “Zack gave me the location of a chocolate stash. I think it’s time to hit it.”
She blinked at me. “Zack keeps a chocolate stash?”
“Well, he might have put it there in anticipation of my return.” I dragged myself off the bed and out the bedroom.
Jill scramble-waddled to follow as I headed for the utility room. “That’s probably true. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a secret chocolate addiction.” There was a touch of resentment in her voice. Not the first time I’d heard it either.
I found the stash in the promised location, then set the big box of assorted goodies on the kitchen table. “Okay, chick. Spill. Is something going on with you and Zack?”
She fished out a miniature bar. “Nothing a little chocolate won’t cure,” she replied.
I could respect that. For now at least. We settled in to eat chocolate while she caught me up on the local gossip, and I shared fascinating, bizarre, and gross stories of my time away. As much as I’d grown to love my life in the demon realm, I’d really missed this sort of interaction.
“Don’t you love the new fridge?” Jill asked with a covetous gaze.
“It rocks,” I agreed. “What other so-called minor changes have those two made to my property?”
Gleefully, she proceeded to give me a rundown. Several projects I already knew. The fence and gate, porch railings and steps, basement bathroom. But there was more. A full obstacle course and running trail through the woods, new washer and dryer on order, plans to enclose the back porch, and a host of miscellaneous fixes and changes.
My mood declined as she spoke. I pinched the bridge of my nose, struggled against a bizarre sense of violation. Who the hell did they think they were? Who told them they could swoop in and take over the house my grandfather built and make so many changes without me?
I took a careful breath, told myself that this resentment hadn’t come up when I saw the spruced up porch and steps. It was simply the stress of the murder victim and the fight with Ryan that had me out of sorts. The two men had done nothing I wouldn’t have wanted on my own. Every bit of it had been undertaken in a spirit of friendship and caring while I’d been off learning how to save the world and myself. Plus, it had to have cost a
fortune.
“It’s awesome,” I admitted truthfully, and was rewarded with a shimmer of relief in Jill’s eyes. She’d been in on it too, I realized, and she knew me well enough to understand how I might feel about the many changes to my home. I gave her a smile. “Y’all are awesome. Thanks.”
The front door creaked open, and I heard the jangle-clunk of keys dropping onto the table by the door.
“Honey, I’m home!” Zack called out.
“Don’t you dare ask if dinner is ready,” I hollered back.
The lanky blond agent sauntered into the kitchen. “I was thinking more along the lines of lunch.” He leaned down and gave Jill a lingering kiss, laid his hand on her belly. “Or I could just have chocolate right here,” he said, kissing a stray bit from the side of her mouth.
Jill beamed. “Chocolate and I can make a sammich for you.”
“Mmmm,” he said, then straightened. “That would be good, but I need to get with Ryan. He didn’t answer his damn phone. Don’t know why he has one if he isn’t going to answer.”
I winced. “We had a bit of an argument.”
Jill’s face tightened briefly at Zack’s statement, and she gave a jerky nod. “Ryan. Sure. But you’ll come back up when you’re done, right? Feels like I haven’t seen you in days.”
“Yeah, sure, sweetie. You know this has been a crazy couple of months.” He moved over to me, gave me a quick hug from behind. “Rough day, sunshine.”
“No kidding,” I said. “I’m ready for it to be over.”
“Before you know it,” Zack said and headed to the basement. He gave two sharp cop knocks, went on through, and closed the door behind him.
I narrowed my eyes. “I’m giving him five minutes, and then I need to get down there.”
Fury of the Demon (Kara Gillian) Page 9
