So. Hannah. Love. In. Right. Because that made total sense. Why the hell not? Why wouldn’t he fall in love with the most inappropriate, off-limits, sweetest, funniest, sharpest woman he knew? The woman who seemed both all-powerful and made for him to protect, the woman who—well. This list was supposed to be sarcastic, but it was starting to sound completely understandable.
Oh, fuck. He was in love with Hannah.
The school bell rang. The kids would be out soon, and here he was sweating over the fact that he’d accidentally fallen in love with the nanny. This was even worse than accidentally fucking the nanny in the garden. Because what was he supposed to do about it? He couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t even ask her out, for Christ’s sake. As long as the power between them was so skewed, he couldn’t do shit. There was a word for guys who started relationships with women whose livelihoods they controlled, and that word was not pleasant.
It wasn’t as if she loved him. Fuck, if he’d thought she even wanted him he might’ve tried… something. But she didn’t. She didn’t. She’d compared wanting him to a fucking virus, for Christ’s sake.
A few classroom doors opened, and a handful of teachers led out their students. Just the sight made Nate relax slightly, because soon he’d see the kids—finally—and even if his brain was scrambled eggs right now, he always felt better when he was with them. Calmer. More sensible.
Josh’s class came out first, and Nate practically ran over at the sight of his son’s little face.
“Daddy!” Josh cried. He attached himself to Nate’s leg with an enthusiasm that made Nate both happy and guilty. More guilt! Perfect. It would fit in so nicely with all the… other… guilt.
He bent down to ruffle his son’s hair. “Hey, kiddo. Sorry I missed you this morning.”
Josh giggled. “You were snoring. Hannah showed us!”
He tried not to wince. “I heard.”
“Where is she, Daddy? I thought she took us home, now.”
He’d been hoping that the kids would distract him from Hannah. Which, now he thought about it, was pretty ridiculous, since they talked about her all the goddamn time. Because she was their nanny.
“I think your sister’s class is out,” he said, clearing his throat. “Let’s go and get her.”
“But where is Hannah?”
“At home. She’s at home. We swapped today. She took you in the morning, and I’m getting you now.”
Josh gave a cheerful, chubby-cheeked smile. “Okay.” He put his hand in Nate’s, as usual. Because Josh loved him. Josh trusted him. Josh had no idea that his dad was actually an official predator who did terrible things to inappropriate and vulnerable women.
Stop that. She asked for it. She literally asked for it. She wanted to.
Just like she wanted to be miles away from you immediately after.
It didn’t make any sense. Or maybe it did, and he just didn’t understand. Maybe loving Hannah was slowly draining his brain cells. But that didn’t sound right either, because being around her made Nate feel smarter. And stronger. And kinder. And just… generally better than he was capable of being on his own.
Which was when it came to him. He was thinking about this all wrong. He was panicking about all the variables when he should be asking himself: What would Hannah do? If she found herself in this situation, what would she do?
Wait, his mind supplied. Stay calm and wait. If she wants anything else from you, anything at all, she’ll say so. But you can’t ask her. You can’t pressure her.
Hmm. He didn’t like that thought. He didn’t like it at all. Because it sounded a lot like, Chill the fuck out and see if she makes the next move. Which she might never, ever do. That was all well and good, but the last time Nate had noticed he was in love, he’d proposed on the spot. He did not have high hopes for his ability to chill the fuck out.
Ahead of him, he saw the door to Beth’s classroom open. Her teacher led out a gaggle of chattering seven-year-olds, and within seconds, Beth was running over to him with a big grin on her face, pushing her tongue through the rapidly-closing gap in her front teeth.
She slammed into him like a rocket, and when she looked up, he saw himself in her big, blue eyes. Not the real him, the him who thought too much or too little, who made mistakes and had to leash his temper like an attack dog. He saw the version of himself she believed in. The version who was more patient, more principled, more perfect than he could ever be.
He’d really like to be that Nate. For Beth, and for Josh, and for everyone he loved.
Which, he supposed, meant leaving Hannah alone.
Great.
17
Hannah: How come there’s only one of these huge cookies on the table? Who’s it for?
Nate: You.
Hannah was used to tangled thoughts, but not like this. Her worries had never wound her up like bondage porn.
And she’d never thought about things like bondage porn during her daily life, either—but, apparently, that was her style now. Her mind had become some sort of hyper-sexualised filth machine that put everything in lustful terms, and it was all because three weeks ago she’d gone absolutely bonkers and let Nate… kiss her.
Etcetera.
Well, to be honest, she hadn’t let him do anything. She’d kissed him.
Etcetera.
Hannah wandered toward Ravenswood’s play park with Josh clinging to one hand and Beth clinging to the other, letting their discordant chatter wash over her. These days, only the kids had the power to tear her mind away from their dad. When they were around, she could concentrate on watching them, and making them laugh, and feeding them at regular intervals. When they were at school, all she could think about was whether Nate had said her name strangely at breakfast, and whether Nate was still up late every night researching his mother’s condition, and whether Nate had gotten over his attraction—and why the hell she hadn’t.
Because Hannah had been forced to admit that her grand plan was a fucking failure, at least on her part. Being with Nate had not fully inoculated her against the deadly crush virus. Instead, her weird, flushed feelings had mutated into something disturbingly intense. Something so strong, she’d been on edge for the past three weeks, trying not to let her maelstrom of emotions escape.
What if she slipped up and kissed him? What if she told him the truth?
I have never wanted anyone the way I want you. And I can’t stop.
It would be a fucking disaster, of that she was sure. She’d been grappling with this issue for some time now, and no matter how she looked at things, the important facts hadn’t changed.
Sensible women did not sleep with their employers.
Or develop feelings for their employers.
If sensible women accidentally slept with and/or developed feelings for their employers—it happened—they remedied the issue by never doing it again.
Even if she lost all sense and tried to do it again, Nate’s recent sweet-but-distant politeness clearly showed that he wouldn’t do it again. Possibly because
She may have scarred him for life by seducing him in the first place.
It was all looking very grim, to be honest. But at least things between them were proper and professional, now. Extra proper and professional. Which was exactly how Hannah liked it. Just imagine if Nate hadn’t started acting like a fond nineteenth century butler around her. Imagine if he’d decided that, actually, he couldn’t stop thinking about her, and they needed to kiss—and so on—every day for the foreseeable future.
Then she’d be involved in some sort of sordid sex-pact that involved sneaking around behind the backs of innocent children and throwing all her dignity to the wind, and what have you.
She looked down at the kids, and thought of their chubby-cheeked smiles and wild imaginations and exhausting energy, and decided once and for all that things were better like this. Much better. Because she’d rather work through this awful, yearning hunger and still feel decent, than have the thing she wanted and feel guil
ty.
“Hannah!” Beth shrieked, suddenly yanking on Hannah’s hand with far too much force for a seven-year-old. “Ohhh my Goddd”—this was Beth’s latest Cool Girl Phrase— “look at that DOGGY!”
Hannah would love to look at the doggy who’d inspired such excitement, but she was too busy trying not to fall on her arse. Josh had started yanking her hand too—actually, he was practically swinging off of her arm, and he was surprisingly heavy. Of course, he did that to Nate all the time, without any effect on his dad’s general uprightness. He seemed to think of Hannah as similarly solid, which was both flattering and likely to result in her embarrassment.
“Josh,” she said, sounding a little more desperate than she’d intended. “Please stop jumping!”
It was only 4 p.m., so the park was filled to the brim with excitable kids and their stuck-up, glowering parents. Glowering parents who would absolutely love to see Hannah Kabbah land on her arse.
Why did she still live here, again?
Since Josh was an angelic child—once you got past his obsession with frogspawn and his hatred of underpants—he stopped yanking Hannah immediately. So did Beth. But their screeching only increased, because all that diverted energy had to go somewhere.
“Look!” Beth bellowed. Then she pointed boldly across the park, just in case her words hadn’t been clear enough. When Hannah followed Beth’s tiny, jabbing finger, she understood all the excitement.
“Goodness me,” she murmured. “That is… quite a dog.”
Dog didn’t seem entirely accurate. Was it a bear? Or a fluffy, cheerful-looking wolf? Perhaps some sort of bear-dog-wolf hybrid? Maybe. It stood by the nearest park bench—taller than the bench, mind—looking enormous and beastly with its thick, chestnut fur, floppy ears, and lolling tongue. Its tiny eyes and shiny nose reminded Hannah of a teddy bear. She’d never seen a teddy bear that huge, though.
A woman sat on the bench beside the dog, scratching its head in an absent sort of way. She was older than Hannah, maybe in her forties, with golden-brown skin and long, dark hair. She had the kind of sparkling eyes and deep laugh lines that made her look friendly; even now, when she was staring blankly into space. Hannah was surprised to see that none of the children at the park were harassing the woman and her fantastic dog already. Beth and Josh were absolutely dying to.
“Can we go and say hello?” Beth was asking, practically breathless with excitement. “Please?”
“Please please please please please?” Josh added. They were like a coordinated attack team of cuteness. Who would stand a chance?
“We can say hello,” she allowed.
A little cheer went up.
“But we must remember our manners. The dog might not want attention. The lady might not want attention for her dog. So we’ll go over, and politely say hello, and ask if the dog likes to make friends. And you mustn’t touch it.”
The cheer was replaced by groans. “Han-nah!”
“But it’s so fluffy!”
“No touching unless I say so. If I bring either of you home with a dog bite your dad will murder me on the spot.”
“Daddy would never murder you,” Beth said solemnly. “Daddy loves you.”
The words jolted Hannah for a moment. But then she remembered that Nate told the kids he loved them at least twenty times a day. They were probably so used to the word that they threw it out to describe any sort of affection.
“Well, he loves you much, much more. And either way, I would prefer to keep both of you unbitten.” Hannah crouched down and poked Josh’s belly, startling a giggle out of him. Then she ruffled Beth’s unruly hair. “So, what are we going to do?”
“Remember our manners,” the pair said in unison. Sort of. Josh seemed to forget what he was saying halfway through, probably because one of his friends was waving from the see-saw. But she trusted that he understood the key message.
“Alright.” Hannah stood and took their hands again. “Let’s go.”
It really was odd, she thought as they drew closer, how alone the woman seemed. She was sitting so close to the gated-off play-area where the children congregated, and the dog was practically a kid-magnet, but no-one even looked over…
In fact, the parents huddling together by the swings were not-looking rather pointedly. She recognised that forced, hyperaware ignorance from her own years as a social pariah. The obvious exclusion was enough to remind Hannah of the gossip she’d somehow managed to forget; gossip about someone new in town.
The woman, sensing their approach, looked over. Hannah saw the right side of her face for the first time. And the scars.
Ah.
Well, that explained it. What self-respecting Ravenswood motherfucker—sorry, mother—would let their darling child within five feet of a woman who dared to look out of the ordinary?
“Hello,” Hannah smiled as they came to stand by the bench. She squeezed the kids’ hands and they managed two semi-shy hellos of their own. “Sorry to bother you. We were just admiring your dog.”
The woman smiled back, her dancing eyes lighting up. One of the three dark scars on her face came perilously close to her eye, and another almost nudged her lips. Maybe that was why her smile only seemed to work on one side. “Well, hi,” she said, sinking a hand into the dog’s mass of fur. “Duke loves being admired.” The creature twisted its head to lick her wrist, its tongue almost as wide as her bloody forearm. Good Lord. Turning her attention to the kids, the woman asked, “Would you like to pet him? Are you allowed?”
Hannah hummed at the woman’s questioning glance. She should probably say no.
But then the woman added, “He’s very good with kids.”
Well. It would be a lot easier to cautiously refuse if both dog and owner didn’t seem so thoroughly nice. Niceness was rather disarming.
“Go on then,” Hannah said.
Beth flew forward like a missile, cooing over the dog as if it weren’t twice her size. Hannah had a minor moment of panic—Is this adorable? Is this highly dangerous? Oh dear—before noticing that Josh hadn’t followed his sister’s example. He was still clinging to her hand.
“Are you scared?” the woman asked him. “You don’t need to be. Duke is really friendly.”
Josh plastered himself against Hannah’s thigh and remained silent.
The woman’s lips quirked. “Or are you scared of me? I’m friendly, too, you know. For a pirate.”
Josh un-plastered himself, just a little bit, and eyed the woman skeptically. “A pirate?”
“That’s right.” She cocked her head, winked, and said, “That’s how I got these scars.”
“Oohhh.” Apparently, Josh was now completely convinced. “Are you a good pirate?”
“I don’t eat children, if that’s what you’re asking.”
He considered this claim for a moment before deciding that this particular pirate seemed a trustworthy sort. “Okay.” Just like that, he let go of Hannah and joined his sister in the dog-stroking extravaganza.
The woman watched him with a smile before looking up. “Hi. I’m Rae.”
“Hannah.” It seemed awkward to stand there like a lemming, so she took a seat on the bench, putting the kids’ book bags down with relief. Who knew half-eaten snacks and sheets of homework could be so heavy?
“Are they yours?” Rae asked, nodding at the kids. Which was funny. Typically, Hannah had to deal with people thinking she’d abducted Beth and Josh, even when they pulled her skirt and played with her braids and called her ‘Banana’.
“I’m their nanny.” Which reminded her, actually. “Guys, come here a sec.” They did, with sighs and eye rolls, abandoning their new furry friend to stand in front of Hannah and allow themselves to be kissed. When their pale foreheads were marked by her purple lipstick, she released them. And then, in answer to Rae’s arched brow, explained: “Makes it easier for me to find them in a crowd and harder for people to claim I’m kidnapping them.”
“Ah.” Rae paused. Then, wrinkling her snub littl
e nose, she said, “This town’s fucking weird.” Her gaze flicked over to the kids. “Sorry.”
“They’re not paying attention anyway. And yeah, it is. If by weird you mean full of stuck-up, Stepford pod-people.”
Rae laughed. “Yeah. That. How long have you lived here?”
“My whole life,” Hannah admitted, hoping she didn’t sound as pathetic as she felt.
Rae winced, her shoulders rising awkwardly. She seemed to do everything with her full body, like her feelings were too intense to convey through facial expressions alone. “Really? Damn. Why?”
“Well, there are actually some great people here. Just a few. Plus, I don’t trust my mother to survive unsupervised, and I don’t trust my sister to supervise.” And if I left, knowing the way these people look down on me, it would feel like letting them win. Maybe I’m petty. I like taking up their space. “How long since you arrived?”
“Am I so obviously new?”
“It’s a small town. I know everyone.”
Rae shrugged. “I think it’s been a month? I’m losing track of time since I stopped working. I moved here from the city to waste my ex’s money and try being a lady who lunches.”
“Oh? How’s that going?”
“Slowly. Might be less boring if I had someone to lunch with. Do you, by any chance, eat?”
“I do,” Hannah nodded. “Often at lunchtime, in fact. Perhaps we could eat together.”
“Perhaps we could!” Rae slid a mischievous glance towards the parents huddled in the park, most of whom were now openly staring. “Do you think they want an invitation, too?”
“Knowing that crowd as I do,” Hannah murmured, “they’re probably terrified by the sight of us together. Because I am known around town as a lunatic, and you, being from the city, must also be a lunatic.”
“Wonderful,” Rae said happily. “We’ll have to make sure people see us together often. Don’t you think?”
Hannah smiled, and meant it, for the first time in a while. “I do.”
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