by Whitney G.
“How so?”
I thought about pulling out my spreadsheet and showing her how he was a perfect ten in the “intensity of the kisses” and “genuine conversations” categories, but I’d held back.
“He does the sweetest things for me in France—calls me to wake me up every morning, runs with me on the weekends, listens to me whenever I want to talk…He’s also an amazing kisser.”
She laughed. “An amazing kisser?”
“The best guy I’ve ever kissed.” Except Carter…
An image of Carter kissing me at the EPIC party—controlling my lips with his, suddenly ran across my mind and I forced myself to brush it away.
“He said he wants to ask me something over dinner tonight when everyone is here,” I said. “You think he’s going to propose?”
“This early?” Her eyes widened. “I would hope not.”
“He’s not.” I said, laughing. “I like him a lot, though…You think you could see us together long term?”
“Not sure; although I‘ve always thought you would end up with Carter.” She smiled, setting down the salad.
“What? When did you think that?”
“I’ve always thought that. I still do.”
What the… “Do you not see Sean, my current boyfriend, out there?”
“I do,” she said. “I think he really cares about you, but I know the two of you aren’t in love…I know for a fact that Carter loves you more than you’ll ever know.”
“Because he’s upset that I have a boyfriend? Because he’s being rude and mean to me?”
“Because he was here every week that you were gone, asking about you, wanting to know if we’d talked, hoping you would call while he was here.”
“Right...”
“It’s true.” She held the cheese grater up to my face and I saw that there were tears welling in my eyes. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m just telling you what I think, and I think, whether you want to admit it or not, that you belong with Carter.”
“He said he didn’t feel anything for me when we…”
“When you what?”
I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about my sex-life with my mom, but she was the closest thing I had to a female BFF so I let it out. “We had sex before I went abroad…We actually had sex a few times…” I paused, waiting for a shocked reaction, at least a gasp, but I got nothing. “And I um…I asked him if he felt something between us changing, because I definitely did. I asked him if he had feelings that were more than friend-like, if he felt like there was something more than sex between us, and he said no.”
“You asked him that in person?”
“No. It was in a text message. Same thing.”
“It’s really not.” She clucked her teeth. “Maybe there’s a reason he said that.”
“Yeah, to tell me the truth and to confirm that we should’ve never had sex…Could you at least try to look surprised about all of this? I had sex with him. Sex. With. Carter.”
She laughed. “I’m not surprised at all, Arizona. I’m only shocked it took this long for it to happen.”
“Are you sure you’re my mother?”
“I don’t think you should make any drastic decisions until you talk to him in person. He’s still your best friend.” She gave me a light kiss on the cheek and hugged me before walking outside.
I wiped my face on my sleeve and chopped a few more pieces of chicken, cursing myself for not bringing the cutlery set I had in France with me.
Ugh…I’m turning into a cutlery critic…Culinary school symptom number one…
“Arizona?” Sean wrapped his arms around me from behind.
“Yes?” I smiled.
“Can I ask you something?” He kissed the back of my neck and slowly let me go.
“Anything.”
“I told you I’ll be asking you something in front of everyone at dinner, but before that…” He hesitated. “Would you be willing to leave with me tomorrow?”
“What?” That came out of nowhere. “Why?”
“I’m not talking about leaving the States,” he said. “Just this part of the beach. You know I only live five hours away so I was thinking we could go see my hometown for a day or two? We can still come back here before flying back to France.”
I hesitated, thinking about what my mom said, about wanting to know if Carter had a reason behind hurting me so terribly, but I couldn’t think of a single worthy one. “Of course.”
He kissed my lips. “Care to join the rest of us outside now?”
“Very much so…” I kissed him back, now hoping that Carter wouldn’t show up to see whatever he did have to say…
I tried my best to avoid looking at Carter for most of the party, and I could tell that he was avoiding me, too. He’d barely said hello when he arrived; he went straight to my mother, gave her a hug, and sat down at the long picnic table.
Josh, on the other hand, was the one who was surprisingly acting like an adult and talking to Sean and me.
“So, you have used marijuana in a recipe before?” Josh leaned forward, looking at Sean.
“I have.” He smiled.
“What are the chances of you recreating that little entrée for us while you’re in town?”
Nicole slapped the back of Josh’s head with a paper plate. “Don’t you have exams next week? You shouldn’t be thinking about having anything with weed in it. Do your teachers know you smoke?”
“For your information, I don’t smoke anymore.” He rolled his eyes. “I simply buy products that contain THC and devour them. There’s a difference.”
We all laughed and shook our heads. (Well, except Carter.)
“Can I address everyone for a second?” Sean tapped his cup with a spoon as he stood up.
Nicole smiled at me, Carter sipped his beer and looked away.
“First,” Sean said. “Thank you all for being so welcoming. Ari’s told me a lot about you all.”
“Clearly not enough…” Carter muttered and Sean shot me a look.
I smiled and shrugged, mouthing, “Ignore him.”
He kissed my lips before continuing. “I’ve lost all of my family in a horrific accident…All of my friends, too…” He winced. “So it means a lot to be around people who remind me that life isn’t all terrible…”
Nicole put her hand over her heart.
“Anyway…it’s taken years for me to get to a decent place, to feel like living life again,” he said, turning to look at me. “And I promised myself that if I found someone who made me feel something again, a feeling that I couldn’t ignore, that I would seize the moment because I know, personally, that life is way too short to wait to say something…”
Carter narrowed his eyes at Sean, leaning back in his chair.
Josh took a huge gulp of his drink.
“We haven’t known each other that long, Arizona, but…” He clasped my hand. “There’s something about you, about us, that makes me feel alive again. I’m not proposing, don’t worry—” He laughed. “But I am promising you that if you agree to be mine, I’ll be faithful and loyal to you for as long as we’re together.” He pulled out a small ring, a silver and gold band with an emerald jewel. “This is a promise ring…Do you accept?”
Smiling, I nodded and he placed it onto my finger—kissing my lips as everyone around the table clapped. Minus Josh and Carter.
Josh was shaking his head, murmuring. “This is exactly why I need weed…Even my blood pressure is going up...” He stood up from the table and forced a smile. “Congratulations, I’ll be right back. I need to get something out of my car.”
Sean kissed me again and sat down next to me. “I’m glad you accepted.”
“I’m glad I did, too.” I smiled back and took his plate. “I’m going to get more dessert from inside. You want anything?”
“Another mini-waffle.”
“So, you’re a fan of breakfast food now?”
“Only because you made it,” he said, still smiling.
I got up and stepped into the house, looking at the ring. It was beautiful, and I immediately knew that between him and Carter, Sean was the safer choice; he wouldn’t hurt me.
As I was tossing a paper plate into the trash, I felt familiar hands gripping my waist and spinning me around. Carter.
“Yes?” I asked. “Are you done sulking now? Done growling at me and Sean?”
“I love you.” He held me still and looked directly into my eyes. “I fucking love you, Arizona, and I always have…”
My heart immediately raced, but I ignored it. “It’s a little too late for that now, isn’t it? My boyfriend just made a speech.”
“So? You don’t love him.” He held me tighter. “You just think you like him because he lines up with a few things on your ridiculous spreadsheet.”
“Then why did I just accept his promise ring?”
“Because I didn’t jump up and stop you.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “And you know it.”
“You can say whatever you have to say right now. As soon as you let me go, I’m going back to him. A man who actually feels something when we’re together—a man who’ll actually feel something when we have sex—”
“If you ever have sex.” He cut me off.
“Did you really just say that?”
“I did and I meant it.”
“Let me go. Now.”
“No.” He bit my bottom lip, preventing me from finishing my sentence. “I’ve loved you since fourth grade. Since fourth fucking grade.”
“Glad you finally have the timeline right.”
“Stop it, Ari…” He kissed me. “I just didn’t know it. You’ve been there for every moment of my life and I’ve been there for yours, too. I do love you, I am in love with you, and I also know you better than you know yourself.”
“No, you just think you do…”
He ignored my rebuttal. “If I’d told you that I loved you at that airport, you wouldn’t have gone to France. You would’ve stayed here, and I didn’t want that for you.”
What? My heart stopped, and I hesitated. “What about telling me after takeoff? You still could’ve told me the truth.”
“You had a layover in Los Angeles…You would’ve come right back.”
“No, I wouldn’t have.”
“Yes. You fucking would have, Ari.”
“Then what about—”
“The first week you were gone?” He shook his head. “When you were as miserable in the program as you first were? You would’ve come home for any reason—especially with me telling you that I loved you…You wouldn’t have tried to stay and do your best… You wouldn’t have pursued your dream at the best place possible, and you would’ve settled, possibly regretting it in the long run.”
I didn’t say anything.
“I regret not telling you sooner, but I sent you letters to try and get this across. Since you were ignoring me, I tried to—”
“Please leave…” I felt tears falling.
“Ari…Please let me finish. There’s more I need to say to you.”
“No. I’ve heard enough, and I’m honored you put me before yourself, but…If you really love and respect me, you’ll leave…Right now.”
He looked as if someone had just sucked the life out of him. But he didn’t move.
So, I did.
Track 32. You Belong With Me (3:37)
I shut myself in my room and grabbed a pillow off my bed—holding it against my face and screaming into it as loudly as I could.
I did it one more time for good measure, not bothering to wipe away tears. I couldn’t believe Carter’s reasoning for not saying ‘I love you back’. That didn’t make any sense. I mean, of course I wanted him to tell me that he loved me back, but for him to assume that I would stay here and cling to him instead of pursing my own dreams? To make it seem like I was that love-struck?
No…I would’ve left regardless of what he said…I would’ve—
I suddenly stopped thinking as old memories began to play in front of me, one of the last serious relationships I’d had before Carter and Sean…
His name was Liam and he was supposed to be my soulmate. We were high school sweethearts and we were so cute together that it made Carter sick. Literally. (He got a migraine after being our third wheel at the annual fair, after we kept calling each other “sweetie” and talking about our future together.) Anyway, I’d always believed in planning ahead, and although I wasn’t totally convinced, I decided to attend the University of Pittsburgh with him instead of staying closer to home.
Three weeks later, I found out he’d been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend and I became stuck with a college I never wanted, and a heartache that took over two years to heal.
Still in shock, I grabbed my laptop bag and pulled out the letters he’d sent. (I was originally planning to give them all back to him unopened on the last day of my trip) I thumbed through them all and picked the most recent one, running my fingers along the phrase he’d written on the flap: “URGENT: Please read this, Ari.”
Dear Arizona,
I'm not going to bother with pleasantries or waste time telling you about what's going on at home with me because it doesn't matter. Not without you being here anyway.
So, I'll keep this short and to the point.
I didn’t mean one fucking word of what I said to you at the airport.
I do love you. I love you ‘in that way’ and it was much more than sex between us. I only wanted to make sure you left and pursued your dreams instead of staying back for me because I’ll always be here for you.
Always.
If I knew that what I said would make you give me the cold shoulder or stop talking to me, I can promise you that I never would’ve done it and I would take it back in a heartbeat.
Not talking to you for a few days was different.
Not talking to you for a few weeks was torture.
Not talking to you for MONTHS was (and still is) unbearable.
You’ve always meant the world to me, but it didn’t hit me just how much more you meant until you were gone…
I go to sleep, reaching for you—wanting to hear your voice before I shut my eyes. I wake up hoping to have you in my arms, and there are only so many days that I’m going to be able to stay sane without you…
For years we’ve joked about why I can’t last with anyone else for more than six months, and the answer has been right in front of my face all this time: You.
I’m pretty sure it’s been you since fourth grade, because now more than ever, I know that I’m supposed to be with you, and you’re supposed to be with me.
You belong to me, Ari, and you always will…
You’re more than ‘just’ my best friend, and I never want to be ‘just friends’ again.
Sincerely (in love with you),
Carter
I cried.
I re-read it a few more times, my heart racing with every word.
I re-folded it and stood up, heading back downstairs to the party. I needed to talk to Sean alone and get the hell away from all my friends and family so I could re-read the letter again before deciding what to do.
Sean’s eyes met mine as soon as my feet hit the grass, and he rushed over. “Whoa,” he said. “What’s wrong with you? Why are you crying? Do we need to go?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “Please…”
“Okay.” He wiped my tears away, waiting for me to stop. Then he forced a smile and put his arm around my waist.
Out the corner of my eyes, I saw Josh shaking his head at me, saw him seething at me like he was Carter.
I ignored him and gave my mom a hug in the kitchen—avoiding her “What’s wrong with you?” expression.
Sean grabbed my bag and we walked into the living room, where a few of my other friends were.
“Leaving already, Ari?” Nicole asked.
“Yeah…I’ll be sure to hit you up tomorrow, though.” I walked over and gave her a hug. “Thank you everyone for coming
. It was good seeing you again.”
I gave everyone else hugs, noting that Carter was thankfully long gone.
I got into the rental car with Sean and turned my head toward the window—not saying anything.
“Um…” Sean sounded confused. “Where exactly are we going? All of our stuff is inside…”
“Just drive…”
“Okay…” He placed his hand on my knee and squeezed it, making me feel anything but aroused. I felt guilty and wrong.
He drove around mindlessly for nearly an hour—repeating some of the same streets over and over, and when I was finally able to think straight, I turned to face him.
“Can we stop there?” I pointed at Gayle’s.
“Are you hungry?”
“No, I um…” I paused. “I need to talk to you.”
“Is it about us?”
“Something like that…” I took a deep breath as he pulled into the parking lot.
He held the door open for me and we walked inside together.
I started to walk toward a booth in the back, but I spotted Carter, Josh, Nicole, and a few other people sitting across the room.
Of course they would think to come here afterwards, too…
I shot them all a short wave, and Carter’s deep blue eyes met mine.
Sean pressed his hand against the small of my back and led me over to a table, but I couldn’t stop looking at Carter.
“Ari?” Sean asked. “Why does it look like you’re going to cry?” He pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to me.
“I’m okay…” I realized Carter wasn’t taking his eyes off me, either.
“What do we need to talk about, Ari?” Sean asked.
“Us…” I answered him without looking at his face. “I don’t think—”
“You don’t think what?”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to keep that promise I made at the party.”
“Which part? Why aren’t you looking at me?”
“The whole thing, and I’m very sorry…” I noticed Carter standing up and walking over to us. “You’re a great guy, and I think you’ll make someone very happy one day, but—”
