“Oh, very well. But I don’t like it!’
She continued to grouse and complain as she put the clothes on over the ones she was already wearing. It didn’t do much to disguise her, but maybe it would help.
“Do you have a hat?” I asked.
“Of course, I do,” she sniffed. “What type of lady doesn’t?”
“Get it. Quickly.”
“Watch your tone, sonny,” she said. “I won’t be spoken to in that manner.”
“I’m sorry. But, please. We really have to hurry!”
She scowled, but bustled from the room. Oleg let out a groan and started to stir, so as long as Grandmother was gone, I took the opportunity to hit him with the tray lid again. It was getting quite badly dented at this point, but it did stop him from waking.
Grandmother came back with a broad-brimmed, bright yellow straw hat, with several large feathers proudly standing from a black, satin band. I took it from her, ripped out the feathers and tore off the band. Then, I carefully placed it on her head and pulled it down as low as I could.
Better. Still not great. But better.
“Stay behind me until we get outside,” I said. “Then we’re going to walk straight out of here.”
“It will never work,” she said. “Those guards will stop us.”
“Maybe not. We have a plan for them if they become a problem.”
I really hoped Anton was in place.
We hurried back to the formal sitting room and I carefully opened the door leading to the hall and peered out. No one was in sight, so I crept out, Grandmother shuffling closely behind. I looked down the stairs.
Lara’s door was open, but there was no sign of her. I stayed still, one hand out to stop Grandmother and listened. There was no noise or sound of any movement. Lara was either being very still, or wasn’t in her room.
I motioned to Grandmother and we started down the stairs, very slowly, very quietly. My body was screaming at me to move more quickly, to get out of there before we were spotted, or before I began to turn back into my real self. I had lost track of time completely, but was sure I must be coming up against the two-hour time-limit.
We reached the bottom. I slowly peeked around the door frame into Lara’s room, but it was empty. I breathed a sigh of relief and headed for the door, Grandmother in tow.
Outside, the day was dawning bright and clear. A gorgeous day, but I could have done with some rain or something to keep people inside. As it was, it was still early enough that there weren’t a lot of orcs around, but the courtyard of the compound wasn’t deserted either.
I put my arm over Grandmother’s shoulders and we began moving toward the entrance, just two orcs, going about their business. We raised a look or two, but the orcs moving about were all normal rank-and-file types. None were the big guards that Oleg brought in.
We were going to make it. I was confident that once outside, Anton would be there and this would be finished. I’d get back to my old self and back to work. This had been a fine adventure, but I was ready for something less stressful, like hunting down ogres with my eyes closed.
Another few steps and…
“Stop!”
The voice came from behind us, from the exact same building we just left as a matter of fact. I turned and saw Oleg standing in the doorway, his face a bloody mess, but his eyes glaring with malice.
“Stop them!” he shouted again, pointing at us.
None of the orcs in the compound moved. Like I said, they were all rank-and-file types and I was sure some of them recognized Grandmother. They weren’t going to lay a hand on her!
I smiled and started to back away, keeping Grandmother by my side. No one moved, and Oleg stood, quivering with fury. He didn’t come after us himself. Maybe the smack in the kisser I had given him made him wary of trying himself against me.
Then, my smile faded. From out of the guard’s building on my right, Lara appeared. She was reading something and didn’t notice us at first. But Oleg saw her at the same time I did.
“Lara!” he shouted, triumph in his voice.
She looked up at him, saw where he was pointing and turned to us. She snarled, dropped the paper and started forward.
My knees turned to water. Lara sincerely scared me, and she enjoyed it. She stalked us, moving slowly, keeping her eyes on mine. “I told you I’d hear what sort of noises you could make if you crossed me again.”
I kept backing up, keeping my eyes on her. “When she comes for me, you run,” I muttered to Grandmother. I didn’t know if she could or not, but it was her only chance for getting out of here.
For me, I was hoping that my transformation to human would start soon, and that maybe that would stop Lara. I didn’t have much hope, mind you, but it was something.
She moved then, as only Lara could. One moment she was slowly coming toward me, taunting me, and the next, she was there, her claws wrapped around my throat. Before I could respond she was squeezing, stopping any air from getting to my lungs. I grabbed her arms, tried to force them away, but couldn’t. She kicked me, hard, right in one of the worst places to be kicked, and I would have gasped and went down if she wasn’t holding me up by the throat.
My vision started to turn black around the edges. Hah! Stupid Lara. If she wanted to hear me make noise she was going about it all wrong!
I had no idea if Grandmother got away or not, and I didn’t think I was going to find out. Funny, really. After all this time and what I did for a living, I was going to die as an orc.
Then, there was a weird noise, almost like a humming sound. It was followed immediately by a meaty sounding slap, a crunch, and then a crash. I was on my knees, my airway free, gasping for breath. When the tears cleared, I saw Lara lying in a heap against the wall, a huge warhammer laying in her lap.
I turned my head to see Anton striding into the compound, followed by his parents, who rushed forward to help Grandmother. I could see a pair of large orc feet splayed out on the cobbles outside. The guards outside were apparently already dealt with.
Anton reached down and pulled me to my feet.
“You!” I heard Oleg say. It sounded like a curse the way he said it.
“Yeah, me,” Anton growled. He stalked over and picked up his hammer.
“You’re Unhoused!” Oleg screamed. “You have no right to be here.”
The compound was starting to fill up. Orcs were coming out of all the buildings and stood blinking in the sunlight and watching the events unfold. Oleg had an audience.
“This orc is Unhoused!” He raised his hands and looked over his clan, and the ruffians that he recruited. “He is no longer one of us, or of any clan! Kill him!”
Most orcs weren’t that stupid. But two of the larger guards moved forward. Anton hardly glanced at them. He swung his warhammer and they went down, only this time, they would never get back up. The other guards began backing away.
But then Lara got up. She was tough. There was no other word for it.
“Oh, sweetie, you’re back,” she said, her voice mocking. “Don’t you want a kiss, my beloved.”
Anton ignored her. A dangerous gambit, but she made no move toward him. She was holding herself oddly, and I thought the hammer might have done some serious damage to her after all.
“You’re done, Oleg,” he said. “Get out of here.”
“You have no rights here!” Oleg shouted. “You’re the one to leave. Unhoused! Outcast!”
“He is Rehoused!” Grandmother yelled from behind me, and the gasp that went up from the rest of the clan must have been heard all the way to the First Quarter.
“What! Impossible! There is no such thing!” Oleg was starting to sweat.
“You are Unhoused, Oleg!” Grandmother shouted back.
Again, the collected gasps of dozens of orcs, even some of the guards this time.
“You’re senile,” he sneered. “I’ve been running the clan for years. You have no authority!”
Anton walked forward until he was i
n front of Oleg. “Run,” was all he said.
Oleg slithered past Anton, pure hatred on his face. “Come, Lara,” he said.
For her part, Lara glared at Anton, then turned her stare to me. “I’ll remember you,” she spat. “We’re not through.”
She and Oleg scurried out of the compound and were gone from sight. I wasn’t sure of the wisdom of letting them go, but that was Anton’s call.
He looked over his clan for a moment, and then took notice of the remaining guards. They gaped back at him for a moment, and then dropped their weapons and slunk off, with many muttered apologies and excuses. Within seconds, the compound was clear of all orcs but the actual Wulfonson clan.
I learned that orcs like to celebrate. As soon as the drama was over, they surrounded Anton, welcoming him back. His parents were soon taken into the fold and food and drink appeared as if by magic. And yes, I got to try some and it was exquisite.
I wasn’t sure if Anton would become the Head of his Clan, or if Grandmother would continue in that role, or even Father Wulfonson. Whichever way it went, they’d be in much better shape now.
Oleg and Lara? I’d see them again. Hopefully not soon, but I’d cross that bridge when I came to it.
Later on, feeling no pain, I settled down next to Anton.
“I’m happy for you,” I said, taking a drink of my rather excellent ale.
“Thank you,” he said, sipping at what I was sure was a delicate fruit juice. “I mean that. We couldn’t come in until Grandmother was safe. Oleg would have killed her if he had to. Frankly, I’m surprised he hadn’t yet. Maybe there is still some good in him.”
I snorted at that but decided to keep my opinion to myself.
We sat in companionable silence for a few, then, “How long will that last?” Wulfonson asked me.
“Huh? How long will what last?”
“That potion that turned you into one of us.”
I spit out my ale. It was well over two hours! Hours over two hours as a matter of fact! And I was still one-hundred percent pure orc! There was no transforming back going on!
I ran my hands over my face, feeling the fangs jutting up and realized that I’d been talking, eating and drinking with them as if I was born with them.
“Oh, no,” I whispered.
My head buzzed, not as strongly as before, but the same type of feeling. Dimly, I heard a voice inside my head, but also as if a very long distance away.
Idiot.
IT’S GETTING LATE
“Pfft. You were an idiot,” Lilly snorted. “Dr. Visage? Really?”
Duke smiled. “I’m guessing that you knew of the man.”
“Everyone did. Or everyone that had anything to do with magic anyway. He was a complete fraud.”
“Well, there you go then. I didn’t have anything to do with magic at all, if I could help it. How would I know? Plus, Jessup…”
“Jessup. Shows you what listening to that bone-head will do. I can’t wait to see him.”
“I don’t understand,” the young man said. “If you were an orc, and this Dr. Visage was responsible, it seems that he did what he said he would. He just messed up on turning you back. Not really a fraud.”
“He was,” Lilly insisted. “But he wasn’t mean-spirited. Or even a con-man. He really believed he could help people out, but he didn’t have the knowledge to make things work right, no matter how many times he was told. The Watch was on to him. They were always trying to find out where he was operating from so they could shut him down.”
“Ah, that explains why I couldn’t find him when I back to complain,” Duke chuckled. “Oh, well, all’s well that ends well. And it did. Eventually. But for now, it’s getting late.”
“You’re going to leave it like that?” the young man said. “You’re stuck as an orc and that’s it?”
Duke glanced at Lilly, who shrugged.
“Alright,” he said. “One more, which means I need a refill, and then that’s it for tonight.”
“Good,” the young man said, picking up his stylus and tablet.
“You weren’t even this much of a pain in the behind when you were a kid,” Duke mumbled. He coughed a few times, wiped his lips and then looked at his grandson and waited.
“What? Why aren’t you…oh, right.” He scrambled to his feet, grabbed Duke’s empty mug and ran to the kitchen.
A few moments later, Duke smacked his lips, smiled, and began.
NUISANCE
It was a couple of days after the events of the Wulfonson compound and I was home, sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a mug of ale and arguing with myself.
You need to fix this! The voice was softer than in the past, like it was coming from a long way away, but was still getting through to me. Its tone was more insistent than I ever heard it and I winced from the harsh buzzing that came along with it.
“Alright,” I said, raising my mug to my lips. I’d learned how to drink around those upright fangs like a natural. “But what can I do? I can’t find Visage, and I haven’t seen Jessup in days.”
Time is running out! You have to get back to yourself.
“Time is running out for what?”
Never mind that. Do something about this. You need to be in the right place at the right time, and you have to be you.
“I am me. Just because I look like an orc on the outside, doesn’t mean I’m not still Duke Grandfather on the inside.” This sounded very reasonable and mature to me. I was sure that the potion would wear off at some point, and I was determined that it would happen in private. I didn’t need the world seeing me shaking and crying, curled up on the street.
No. You need to be the brash, cocky, over-confident human Nuisance Man. That’s what happens!
“I still don’t understand,” I muttered, and took another drink of my ale. “Ugh! What? Why?”
It tasted horrible! Like someone already drank it and then decided to put it back in the mug after holding it for a few days.
No more ale! Get out there and find an answer to this!
This was worse than being married, I thought to myself. Which these days meant that the other voice sharing my head heard it, too. But whatever it was didn’t seem to mind my ramblings, as long as I did what it told me.
I sighed, set down my mug of once-delicious ale, picked up my axe and headed for the door. The axe was new, a gift from Wulfonson, and I really liked it. Normally, dwarves, minotaurs, some orcs and the occasional very large human were the only ones who wielded axes, but I’d grown comfortable with it in a very short period of time.
It was double-headed and wickedly sharp on both blades. The balance was perfect, and the handle culminated in a sharp spike, which was handy for those times when a foe was sneaking up behind. I studied it for a second, wondering if I would still like it as much when I was back to being human. It was very shiny, and I really hoped so.
It won’t matter, the voice said.
I asked why not, but as was the case more often than not, I got no response.
It was a bright, warm day when I went out, a fact that didn’t make me all that happy. Orcs could see very well in the dark, but the bright sunlight was another story. It hurt my eyes and made me squint, and it was hard to see details very clearly.
But I knew the city, and my way around, well enough that I could quickly get where I was going. I figured out exactly where I could get this taken care of while I was arguing with the voice.
Or so I thought. It turned out that once I convinced Bethany and Rachel that it was really me, there was nothing the unicorn could do. It tried, but whatever Dr. Visage used was beyond it, which was pretty disturbing, since not much is stronger than a unicorn’s magic.
The only course of action that remained to me, that made any sense, was trying my luck with the Watch. An orc walking into the watchhouse was going to cause a stir, even though technically the place is open to all citizens of Capital City. The key word there was technically. No one really expected anyone other than a huma
n to actually go in.
So, it was with a good amount of trepidation that I entered. Sarge glanced up, but it was like the old days and he didn’t say a word to me. Unlike the old days, he didn’t immediately go back to his newssheet. Instead, he stared at me, eyes narrowed and brow furrowed.
“Hey, Sarge,” I said.
“Hey, yourself,” he growled. “And that’s Sargent, to you. What can I do for you?”
The words were right, but the tone said that he really wasn’t interested in what he could do for me, but would do what he could to move me along.
“It’s me, Sarge. Duke.”
He continued to stare at me.
“Really. It’s me. I took a potion to help someone out, and now I’m stuck like this. Seriously.”
“Uh huh.” He still wasn’t buying it.
“Ask me something only Duke would know,” I suggested.
“How would I know that? I hardly know anything about him.”
He had a point there. We were getting on well, but it wasn’t like we were bosom buddies.
“How about that thing with the Hidden Knife? You know, where I helped you guys out?”
“Great, an orc that can read the newssheets. Try again, or get out.”
I frowned, racking my brain. “Well, how about right before I left here last time. I asked you to save a nuisance for me. Remember?”
“Yeah….I guess….” He was starting to come around, looking at me strangely.
“Salamander, right?”
“Yeah, it was. Duke? That’s really you?’”
“Yes! Thank all the gods! It’s me.”
“What happened?”
I told him about Wulfonson and my desire to help him. When I got to the part about going to the wizard, he stopped me.
“Wait,” he said, a smile beginning to crack, “don’t tell me you went to that Dr. Visage.”
“Well, yeah.” I said.
“Oh, now I know it’s you!” He almost doubled over with laughter. “Only you would do something that stupid!”
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