by Bruce, Lexi;
and I forget all of that.
I hear shouting upstairs,
and I tense up.
I walk into the house,
and see that the living room
is a disaster.
The coffee table is flipped
over. The stuff that
was on it is scattered
all over the floor.
There’s a can of Pepsi spil ed
onto the white carpet.
32
I hear them coming downstairs.
Before I can say anything,
Dad is out the door,
briefcase in hand.
Mom slams the door
shut behind him.
She lets out an
angry, wordless screech.
She turns around,
leans against the door.
Sinks down
until she’s sitting on the floor.
She puts her head in her hands
and sits motionless,
her salt-and-pepper curls
fal ing over her eyes.
33
I go over to her, and put my arm around her.
She looks up, surprised to see me,
and then buries her head
in my shoulder.
My mind is suddenly fil ed
with images of me and Dave
fighting like this
in another 20 years.
When he learns my flaws,
knows how bad my grades are,
or how moody I am,
I’m sure he’ll hate me
as much as my parents
hate each other.
34
PLANNING
We sit there for awhile,
until she’s breathing normally
again. And then I get up
and start making some
instant mac and cheese.
Mom and I are sitting
at the kitchen table and talking
about summer vacation
when Dad walks back in
hours later.
He joins us, and everyone pretends
that no one was shouting
and swearing
just a short time ago.
35
We’re leaving the day after my last final.
Now we’re deciding
where to go.
Last year we
went to Maine.
We hung out
in a beach town
for two weeks straight.
Mom and I
laid in the sun,
and swam,
and took surfing lessons.
And pretended she hadn’t just
lost her job after she stumbled in late and hungover one morning.
36
Dad hung out on the beach,
but he never looked up
from his phone.
Important work stuff,
couldn’t wait.
Because in all the offices,
he’s the only one
who can fix the problem.
Whatever that problem is,
he never tel s us.
This year, Mom’s decided
we’re going camping.
For a week. In a cabin.
In a state park in Vermont.
Dad’s worried
he won’t have cell service.
37
Mom acts
like she hadn’t
even thought of that.
I’m just hoping we can al
survive each other.
38
BEDTIME
I’m curled up in bed,
covered in three blankets.
I’m trying to drift off,
but Mom’s voice is angry downstairs.
Now that I’m out of sight,
they’re back to fighting.
Do you ever listen to me?
she yel s.
I told you to clean the drain
out last week,
and now it’s clogged!
You’re useless.
Dad says something
I can’t hear.
39
Down in the the kitchen.
a pan slams on the counter,
and jolts me wide awake.
They forget that
sound carries.
They forget that
there’s more
in this house
than their anger.
Sometimes I forget, too.
I forget that we used to laugh.
I forget being a family,
and enjoying dinnertime
together.
40
I forget what happiness
feels like.
I try to think about Dave
and how I felt with him.
But I can’t focus on anything
other than the anger downstairs.
And the fear I feel curling
around my throat.
41
WHY!?
Why do you guys do this?
I want to scream at them.
Not just to each other. To me!
When they yel
and storm around and slam doors,
I’m invisible and muted.
And might as wel
not be there at al .
And then I think something I’ve
never let myself think.
Why don’t you just break up?
42
I wrap my fingers
around my pil ow,
white-knuckled.
I fight the urge
to run downstairs
and say it to their faces.
I’m afraid of what
will happen if I ever
speak these things
out loud.
I’m sure it makes me
a terrible daughter
to wish these things.
But I don’t know
how many more fights
I can stand to hear.
43
ANYWHERE BUT HERE
Bedroom door slams
shut. Angry silence
rings through the house.
They’re asleep,
and now I’m free.
I peek out of my room
to see the hal way deserted.
I grab my sneakers and backpack,
creep down the stairs,
and out the back.
I pull my bike
out of the shed.
What I didn’t tell Dave is that
44
the reason I like my bike
is that it gets me away from here.
I couldn’t tell him that.
Or he’d know how messed up I am.
In the street,
I pul out my phone,
and dial Jess.
Hey, can I come by?
Yeah, of course.
You
okay?
Yeah, I’m fine. Just bored,
I lie.
Okay, see you in a few.
45
I send off a quick
text to my mom
so she won’t panic
when she wakes up
and I’m not at home.
The street is so peaceful
at this time of night.
No yel ing, no traffic, no people.
I breathe deeply
for the first time in hours.
I pedal to the park.
Ride
a few laps around
just for the
freedom of it.
46
Then I head
over to Jess’s
to watch trash TV, eat junk food,
and not talk about what’s
bothering me.
I think Jess knows
something’s up,
but she knows better
than to ask.
Instead, she starts babbling
&nbs
p; excitedly about Sam,
her new boyfriend.
It’s just what I need
to take my mind off my parents.
I even fake a smile.
47
DRESS SHOPPING
I sleep over at Jess’s
that night.
We go dress shopping
with her mom
the next morning.
Even though Dad’s
still saying I can’t go to the dance, I know Mom will make sure I can.
We go to the mal
and try on so many
dresses.
And I hate the styles this year.
48
Empire waists
and too much fluff.
But I find the perfect one.
Emerald green, off the shoulder.
The shape fits my curves just right.
It’s even in my price range.
I imagine myself wearing it,
Dave’s hands on my waist.
And then I quickly push
that idea out of my head.
I’m getting attached already,
and that scares me.
49
FAMILY DINNER
After the mal ,
we go back
to Jess’s for dinner.
Dinner with her family
is warm and bubbly.
Her dad cooked
while we were out.
There’s lasagna,
and salad, and vegetable soup.
It’s all so delicious.
Her parents ask her about school.
They even let her talk
before they respond.
50
And they’re excited for her
when she tel s them
she got a B on a paper.
And when they ask
about her date to the dance,
they’re eager to hear al
about the boy she’s taking.
She gushes over Sam,
and how cute he is,
and how he’s so funny.
Her little sister makes a face,
because boys are still icky.
Everyone laughs,
because we remember
Jess making the same face
when she was eight.
51
A BETTER WEEK
Monday starts off rough
because I get my geometry
homework back, and it’s not great.
But then in biology I get a test
back. It’s an A-minus.
I know Dad
will be satisfied with that.
Maybe it will put both of them
in a better mood. Maybe
they’l get along tonight.
When I get home, he’s not
back from work yet.
I show Mom, and she smiles.
52
I leave the graded paper
on the kitchen table
so Dad will see it
as soon as he comes in.
He always grabs
an apple off the table
to have as a snack
when he gets home from work.
It’s almost nine when he gets home,
and his shoulders are slumped.
He perks up when he sees
the grade. And for the first time
in a long time I feel like
I’ve actually done something right.
53
MAKEUP
Jess and I are dressing and doing
makeup at my house
before the dance on Friday.
I didn’t want to have her over.
But when she asked,
I couldn’t come up with
an excuse why not.
Our dates will pick us
up from here.
Then we’ll go dance
the night away.
Up in my room, Jess brushes on
blush and applies eyeliner that’s too thick.
54
Downstairs I hear thunder rumble
as Mom sees that
Dad’s not home
from work yet.
He promised
to be home to see me
off to the dance.
He was so excited about
my biology test.
He said he hoped
I’d do as well on my finals.
He said I could go to the dance
as a reward.
Now Mom’s stomping and storming
and cleaning in the loudest
way possible.
55
Your mom really likes to clean these days, doesn’t she?
Jess jokes, not knowing the difference between just cleaning
and angry cleaning.
Yeah, you know her. .
I respond, jokingly,
even though she doesn’t know
Mom, not anymore.
She’s a bit of a neat freak.
56
THE CALM
Dad strol s through
the front door just as
Jess and I are coming
down the stairs,
all dol ed up and ready to go.
I freeze for a moment
because I know
Mom is mad and
Dad isn’t prepared
for her anger.
Dad smiles at me
as he puts his briefcase
down by the door
and wraps me in a hug.
57
You look wonderful, honey,
he says to me.
Ready for the big dance?
I twirl so that my skirt
flows out around me.
For a moment
I feel like a princess.
Like tonight can be
al about me.
Jess and I head back upstairs to
grab our shoes and purses and to
wait for the boys to
come pick us up.
I hear something slam
downstairs and I know
the fighting is about to start.
58
I rush Jess downstairs
and out of the house
before anyone starts yel ing
or swearing.
Dave’s dad drives up
in his green Range Rover
just as Jess and I walk
out the door.
The tight knot in my chest
unravels a bit
when I know
we’re clear of the war zone.
For now,
my secret is safe.
59
THE CAR RIDE
Dave’s dad drives
us from my house
to the school.
He’s got pop music
playing on the radio,
trying to be cool.
So I hear you and Dave
are planning a bicycle trip?
he says to me.
I’m torn between excitement
that Dave told his dad
about our plans
and worry that he’s getting
too attached to me too quickly.
60
I know I’ll just disappoint him.
Or that he’ll find out about my parents and then he’ll run away.
Oh, well, we haven’t really made
any big plans,
I say, downplaying how excited
I actually am.
Dave’s smile falters
for a moment.
Then he gets into talking
about possible routes,
and suddenly I’m close to forgetting
all about the fight
that must be raging back
at the house.
61
By the time we pull up at the school,
I’m smiling again.
I’ve almost forgotten
about the anger at home.
/>
Almost.
62
THE DANCE
In the school gym,
paper streamers and
bright bal oons
are everywhere.
The music’s fast
and couples are grinding
on each other.
Dave leads me over to
the drink table.
We get ourselves some punch,
then stand and chat.
The music changes to a super-oldie:
“Wonderful Tonight.”
63
Dave takes my hand
and pul s me onto the dance floor.
He puts his hands on my waist.
I put my hands on his shoulders.
He pul s me closer, and we
start to sway slowly.
You seemed a little distracted
when you got into the car,
he says.
Is everything OK?
I nod my head and lie,
Everything’s fine.
I wish he hadn’t
brought it up.
64
I wish I couldn’t feel
my own anger
bubbling up.
The song ends,
and we leave the dance floor
and find Jess and Sam
at a table.
Jess is talking about how
mad she is that she only got
93% on her English paper.
Don’t feel bad about that,
Dave says.
She won’t give me anything
over 90% on any of my papers.
How about you, Anna?
He turns to me.
65
I slump back in my chair because my grades are worse
than any of theirs.
Especially this year.
I don’t wanna talk
about it,
I say.
I really don’t need Dave
to think I’m stupid,
like my dad does.
Oh, don’t be embarrassed,
Jess says.
They’re just grades.
I feel the anger
rising in my stomach,
turning my cheeks red,
and I refuse
66
to lose control here,
tonight.
I said I don’t want
to talk about it,
I snap, standing up.
I know I’m being dramatic,
but I grab my purse
and speed walk toward
the doors.
Dave tries to fol ow me,
but I walk even faster,
and eventually he gives up.
And then I’m outside
and completely alone
again.
67
HOME AGAIN
I slip my heels off
and walk barefoot
through the grass
alongside the sidewalk,
al the way home.
The lights are all off
when I get to the house,
and Dad’s car is gone.
