by Bruce, Lexi;
at my house tomorrow.
I change the subject.
106
FINALS
I hand in all my papers,
and then the tests begin.
Math formulas
and biology theories
and French vocab
run through my head
until finally
the week of the
tests arrives.
I think I messed
up a formula in geometry.
I know I mixed up
a couple words
in French.
107
I think I did OK
in biology.
And I know I did
pretty well in history.
The essay test in English
was a mess, but it will be
good enough.
I mean, I can’t really
screw up much worse
than showing up at home drunk
in the back of a cop car.
Right?
108
HERE WE GO AGAIN
I know I should
be relieved
now that finals
are over.
But all I can think about
is that now I have to go
on vacation with
Mom and Dad.
109
NO ARGUMENTS
For some reason,
Mom and Dad have
decided that we’l
take our family vacation
in one car.
It’ll bring us closer,
Mom says.
When I
open my mouth to respond,
she says,
No arguments, Anna.
No arguments? Does that apply
to you and Dad, too?
I say.
110
Yes, and that’s enough
attitude from you,
she responds,
ending the conversation
on a lie.
111
IN THE CAR
It’s 9:15 in the morning,
and Mom’s still packing.
Dad and I have been ready
and sitting in the car
for half an hour.
Dad’s muttering
under his breath.
He’s fuming
when she’s finally ready.
My headphones don’t
quite drown out
the sound of
his backseat driving
or her road rage.
112
At least her anger
is focused
outside the car
for now.
But this is the first
hour of a eight-hour drive.
It’s only a matter
of time before
she tel s him to
shut up,
or he tel s her
to calm down.
I wonder what it’s like
to travel without
baggage.
113
PIT STOP
We pull off
at a highway rest stop
a couple hours
into the drive.
Dad rol s his eyes
when Mom gets
back into the car
with a big bag of
salt and vinegar chips
and a Hershey’s bar.
He’s driving now,
and she’s snacking.
And I can see where the
next argument
wil start.
114
Because he’s about
to tel her she shouldn’t
eat that.
And she’s going to
ask if he’s cal ing her
fat.
And he won’t say
yes.
But he won’t say
no, either.
And she’l demand
that he pul
off the highway
at the next exit,
no matter where
we are.
And we’ll pull into a
parking lot somewhere,
115
and they’ll get out
and scream at each other
until they can’t
scream anymore.
And then they’l
get back in the car
and we’ll drive off
like nothing’s
happened.
And that’s exactly
what happens.
If being a reporter doesn’t
pan out,
maybe I can be a psychic?
As their voices
rise, so does my
blood pressure.
116
I can hear my heartbeat
in my ears
underneath my headphones.
I can’t seem
to breathe.
I feel
the tightness grow
in my throat.
I squeeze my eyes shut tightly.
I will not let the tears fal .
117
FRESH AIR
I close my eyes so long
that I fall asleep
with my music
turned all the way up.
And then we’re at the park.
The campsite is beautiful.
But cabin number six
is smal . Just two twin beds
with hard vinyl mattresses.
There’s a firepit
with benches around it.
We’re surrounded by trees.
118
I rush off to explore
the woods and trails
around us before we
unpack the car.
I just want to drink in
the fresh air and run away
from my problems.
When I am deep
in the woods,
I slip my shoes off,
wiggle my toes,
and feel the soft
soil beneath my feet.
And for the first time
in a long time,
I feel okay.
119
THE PATH
The path I take leads up a small hil
and then down toward a lake.
I stand at the edge
of the water and look around.
It’s early afternoon
and getting pretty hot.
At the opposite shore of the lake,
there’s a crowded public beach.
I walk along
the quiet side
of the lake.
The water is cool
and soft on my bare feet.
120
I’m so happy
to be outside that I lose track
of how far I’ve walked.
And suddenly I’m walking onto
the public beach,
which is full of happy families
and groups of teenagers
playing Frisbee
and eating picnic lunches.
I wander over
to an empty picnic table
and soak up sun
and watch everyone
having fun.
121
NEW FRIENDS
I’m sitting there
enjoying the weather
when a Frisbee whizzes
past my head.
A teenage girl
almost trips over the table
as she goes after the Frisbee.
She’s very tall and thin,
with light brown hair
tied up in a long ponytail.
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!
she says to me.
Hey, do you want
to play with us?
122
I shake my head no.
But she insists. Then she’s
tel ing me everyone’s names.
She’s Shaye, and
there’s
her girlfriend Mackenzie,
her brother Patrick,
and their friend Tyler.
Pat is tal er and thinner
than Shaye, which I didn’t
think was possible.
He’s got shaggy brown hair.
We throw the Frisbee
around for awhile longer,
even though I have terrible aim.
Then we hang out on
a big tie-dye beach blanket,
chatting for awhile.
123
They’re from Ohio,
and they’re here with Shaye
and Pat’s mother.
While the others are talking
about something from back home,
Pat turns to talk to me.
So earlier you said something
about wanting to travel
for a living.
Have you been anywhere super cool?
I’m surprised that he
was even listening.
Nowhere cool yet,
I say.
But I really want to see every bit of the world and meet important people and report on important things.
124
Things that matter, you know?
I smile, thinking about the future.
Of what could be.
Patrick says,
I’ve always wanted to just
road-trip across the country.
I guess that’s not quite as
exciting as covering
breaking news in the Middle East
or anything, though.
As long as it’s an adventure, I say, and he smiles.
When it’s time to
leave the beach,
Shaye tel s me they’re staying
125
in cabin number four, and they invite me to dinner.
I tell them I’ll have to ask
my parents first,
but I’ll stop by
if I can.
126
CAMPFIRE
I walk back
around the lake
to our cabin.
I return just as Mom
is setting up the campfire.
Dad is nowhere
to be found.
I tell Mom
about the invitation.
She frowns and says,
Well, why don’t you invite your
friends to our campfire?
I have hot dogs
and marshmallows.
127
She doesn’t want
to be alone at the campfire,
while Dad and I have
better things to do.
I tell her I’ll run over
and ask them.
And when they say yes,
I feel that familiar
sense of dread.
128
SUNSET
Mom and I are
sitting by the lake,
watching the sun
go down over
the water,
when we hear
the car pull up.
Dad’s back at last.
Mom mutters something
under her breath,
but I can’t quite hear it.
I’m not sure I want to
hear it.
129
Dad gets out and explains that he had to make a cal
back to the office,
but now he should be
free for the rest
of the week.
Mom rol s her eyes,
doesn’t believe him
for a second.
She grabs a lighter
and flicks it on
under the newspapers.
She squats by the firepit,
poking at it
until the big logs catch fire.
130
POLITE ANGER
I hear Shaye’s
voice talking loudly
from the main road.
Just as the flames are starting
to dance high into the air.
I’m nervous to have them over
now that Dad’s back.
But it’s too late
to backtrack now.
They come around the corner,
each carrying a bag
full of camping snacks.
Mom and Dad
are both polite
as they greet
my friends.
131
Sometimes they’re able to keep it together.
We all sit around
the fire.
I see Mom and Dad
glare at each other
a couple times.
But they keep their mouths shut.
Luckily, Pat is tel ing a funny story.
He’s tel ing us about how
when he was 12, he decided to
hitchhike to Cleveland.
And how Shaye, who was 14,
tried to stop him, but got roped into the plan.
They both got busted. But Pat got
a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame keychain.
And that’s al that matters!
132
I realize I’m a little jealous of him because he’s the sort
of person who seems to
jump into something without
worrying about every bad thing
that might happen.
Pat is jumping around.
He’s doing funny voices,
and pausing just
at the right moment.
Despite my best efforts,
I crack up at his antics.
We all laugh and laugh.
133
COMFORTABLE
We stay up late. We
hang around the fire
long after my parents
have gone to bed.
The air has gotten cold.
But we have the fire
and hot chocolate.
We are warm
and laughing.
After a while we start
playing truth or dare.
Tyler chooses dare and eats a spider.
Pat goes and chooses dare, too.
134
Mackenzie dares him to stand up
on the bench and sing
the worst song he can think of.
He sings some ‘80s pop song.
He takes a proud bow before sitting back down.
Then it’s my turn.
I choose truth, because honestly,
I’m afraid I’m going to have to sing
or eat a bug.
OK,
Pat says.
How old were you
when you had your first kiss?
I stop cold at that.
Think for a moment
about whether I should tel
the truth, or make up a lie.
135
Truth is,
I say.
I haven’t had my first kiss yet.
I stare at the ground,
worried that they’re
judging me terribly.
Until Mackenzie speaks up.
My first kiss was with Shaye, she says, smiling.
And that was just
like a month ago.
They all start talking
about their first kisses,
and first dates, and
then we’re all laughing again.
I finally feel comfortable.
I’ve completely forgotten how
embarrassed I felt.
136
When they leave,
it’s two in the morning.
I make sure the fire
is out. And then I slip into
my sleeping bag.
I’m still smiling as I
fal asleep.
137
WAKING UP
I wake up to the smel
of the camp stove outside.
And t
o the sound of my parents
yel ing again.
It’s the same
words as always.
He cal s her
miserable and mean.
She cal s him a loser,
tel s him to stop working
all the time and have a life
for once.
138
I don’t know how they can
keep having this argument
over and
over and
over again.
I don’t know how I can
keep hearing this argument
over and
over and
over again.
Did you just shove me?
he yel s, surprised.
Yeah, well you wouldn’t
get out of my way,
she snaps.
I hear a clattering,
something fal ing over.
139
And now I’m angry.
140
I’M ANGRY
that this has
been my life
for so long now.
I’m angry
that I hate my home
so much that I
look for ways to
run away.
And finally,
I’m angry
that it can’t always
be like last night,
when they at least
pretended.
141
BOILING OVER
I rush out of the cabin
and see the camp stove
tipped over. Cooking
supplies scattered al over.
Mom’s holding the knife
she’d been using to slice an apple.
I can see how tightly
she’s gripping it in her anger.
I’m scared,
but I’m also still angry,
and the anger makes me
brave and stupid.
And finally I say the words
out loud, and to their faces.
142
SNAP
Why don’t you
guys just break up?
I say. My hands shake.
They stop their yel ing
and turn to stare at me.
Excuse me?
Mom asks, taking a breath
and carefully setting the knife
down on the picnic table.
Dad is too shocked
to say anything.
I shake my head.
143
You drive each other crazy, and not in the good way.
I mean, jeez, Mom,
you looked like you
were ready to gut Dad
with that knife.
I pause and take a breath.
I’m still really freaked out
about the knife.
I knew they hated each other
but I never thought it would
get that bad.
And guess what?
You drive me crazy, too.
You think it’s easy,
having you guys shouting
and fighting all the time?
144
