by Ken Dryden
Steve related his concussion history to Dr. Carrick as he had done to Terry, Pieroth, and Kutcher, with only a few added details. He told Carrick that after his initial injury in January he became “forgetful, emotional, and…small things would bother [me],” and that when he continued to play during the period of his three successive injuries, he experienced dizziness and problems with his balance and reflexes. Now, in June, Steve described himself as “lightheaded, with a slightly drunk feeling, and a feeling of disconnection.” He told Carrick that by mid-afternoon every day he felt “crushed for the rest the day.” He was taking no medications, but had been “more emotional and depressed.”
In his report, Carrick also listed a catalogue of Steve’s injuries, including “chronic problems with the left eye,” a “leaky gut,” a “herniated disk” he had suffered in 2007 and aggravated the previous year, and a broken “zygomatic arch,” as a result of which, seven months later, he still had a “hard time opening his mouth.” After his examination, Carrick strapped Steve into a gyroscope, where he was spun around repeatedly for “whole body rotational stimulation.” Later, Carrick put Steve on the ice for movements that included “rotations, stops and starts with alternating head and eye movements.”
Carrick wrote in his report: “I’ve attended him for 4 days while in rehabilitation….He has made significant improvement in his neurological function. He has some minor observable deficits but performs above the range of normal subjects. He should be able to play hockey.”
When Steve left the clinic, he called Vally, even more excited than usual. He tried to describe to Vally his experience with Carrick, and the gyroscope. “Vally, Vally, it’s an enclosed…have you ever seen one of those hamster cages where they have to run around on that wheel? It was a chair, and you were strapped in, and it gyrates. It moves you up and down and around.” Vally asked him how much each session cost. Steve told him $1,500. Vally was stunned. “But, Vally, Vally, it cures you, it cures you,” said Steve. “We’ve got to buy these machines. We’ve got to set up our own clinic.”
Less than two weeks later, the Chicago Sun-Times reported that Stan Bowman, wanting to give the Blackhawks some cap room, was “looking for takers” for Steve. Four days after that, the Chicago Tribune wrote that Steve would be ready for training camp.
“I feel like a whole new man,” Steve is quoted as saying. “I’m as excited to get this season started as any other, if not more so just because I feel like I’m clear and healthy more than I’ve been in years. That’s really exciting for me.”
On July 20, less than a month later, Steve was again examined by Dr. Terry. Terry’s report read: “He has been doing well. He has been exerting himself and continues to work out. He is building his activity level at a reasonable pace. He does still report some symptoms including dizziness, fogginess, haziness, and these are generally associated with workouts but not consistently so.” Terry writes in summary: “We will put him through the exertional protocol…[and] while he is still having symptoms we will hold off on clearing him for play. We will continue to follow him along.”
Meanwhile, the CBA that had been reached after the lockout was about to expire in September, and talks between the league and the players had become more regular. Eight years earlier, the inability of the NHL and the NHLPA to reach an agreement had resulted in a lockout, a lost season, the implosion of the NHLPA, and the league getting its salary cap. Three days after his appointment with Dr. Terry in July, Steve spoke to several journalists at the NHLPA Golf Classic just outside Toronto, about the state of the CBA negotiations, setting out clearly, carefully, where things stood. He was mindful to compliment both sides on how things were proceeding, and offered few specifics, because few existed; yet he didn’t sound evasive. He looked at each questioner, and paused before he spoke each time. He looked patient and respectful; healthy and strong.
It was still the summer. California, Toronto, New York—he could go wherever he wanted to go. It was good times without bad times. Some of his concussion symptoms came back, but then they disappeared. That’s what was important: he had been cured. And if they did come back again, he could be cured again. Sidney Crosby had been out for a year and had played in the playoffs. Crosby had gone to Dr. Carrick and had done the gyroscope. Steve had, too.
And there was lots of time. No games were being played, or missed. He wasn’t letting anybody down because of his injury. He had no rush to get back. He was training as much as anybody, and more than most. He was getting tested, being treated, and this time the impending lockout would be on his side. The longer the lockout went on, the better. And the best news? No setbacks. He was fine unless—and until—he wasn’t fine. Things weren’t where they needed to be, but they were where they had to be at that moment.
In early August, Steve went to see Vally at his new house in Connecticut. “Oh my god, Monty was Monty,” Vally recalls. “He was healthy all the way. Working out. Great shape. Vibrant. Alcohol? No chance. He wasn’t drinking. We were totally having a healthy time together.” Late one morning, Steve and Vally were sitting out in the sun. “‘What do you want to do today?’ I ask him. Silence. Then I say, ‘We should get some paddleboards. There’s a place in Westport.’” But Westport was thirty minutes away and, as Vally puts it, “We don’t feel like moving.” A couple of hours later, they still hadn’t moved. “Then some guy pulls up to the house, and he’s got two paddleboards!” Vally still can’t quite believe his own story. “Monty had snuck away, called the store, and had them delivered and paid for. I’m talking about three grand’s worth of paddleboards! I said, like, ‘Monty, you’ve got to be kidding.’ He’s like, ‘Hey chum, it’s my housewarming gift.’”
And now that they had them, they had to use them. “Monty and I found this really wicked spot on the Housatonic River,” Vally recalls, “where it opens up to Long Island Sound. There’s a small sliver of a channel; it was like our own private bayou. So we cut through it, and we’re in there for a few minutes, and when you get to the end you’ve got a decision to make. You can go back out the same way, or you can portage over this bird sanctuary. So we decide to go through the bird sanctuary; and on the other side the Long Island Sound picks up again. The whole route is about fifty minutes down and back, and the tide has to be in to do it. If it’s out, you hit the rocks. And the portage, nobody else does it. It’s just something Monty and I created.”
When the two of them got back, they sat around in the sun some more, threw a football, then went back to the beach. “We had a really fun week together,” Vally remembers, “and he was as healthy as you can believe.”
“Monty was very upbeat that summer,” Missy recalls. “Goofy. His brain was good.”
Some players, imagining another lost lockout season, were making alternative plans to play in Europe. Steve decided to stay put. He was going to train like the season would start tomorrow, and get involved in the CBA negotiations. At 11:59 p.m. on September 15, the NHL locked out the players. Less than two days later, playing in a pickup hockey game, Steve got an elbow to the head.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
On November 1, 2012, Steve again went to see Dr. Elizabeth Pieroth. He told her that in mid-September he had been elbowed in the head. The hit had “buzzed” him right away, he said, and then, very briefly, he had seen a “green fence,” but he didn’t have any other immediate symptoms. Later that same day, however, he had developed an intermittent headache, feelings of nausea, and “spaciness, feeling drunk.” He took ten days off from his workouts and began to feel better, Pieroth wrote in her NHL concussion evaluation report, and he received neck massages that helped reduce the headaches. He began exercising again, but cautiously, and was able to ride a stationary bike and lift weights without any symptoms. But once he went back on the ice, the symptoms returned.
Three weeks after his injury, he began to engage in light contact in his on-ice workouts, he related, describing it as simple physical “resistance” with the other players. Over the next few wee
ks, he had increased the level of contact. Pieroth noted that Steve “has completed the Blackhawks’ return to play physical exertion protocol and many on-ice practices without any returns of his symptoms [and] last had any symptoms 2–3 weeks ago,” which, Steve told her, “were only momentary.” Pieroth reported, “[He said,] ‘I feel like I can take hits without concern.’ He said he was ‘100% okay with returning to play’ and said he had ‘no reservations about playing this game.’”
Pieroth noted, too, that Steve had completed the NHL concussion protocol, that his scores were consistent with his baseline results with only minor exceptions, and that there was “no other evidence of significant cognitive impairment secondary to his injury. After reviewing Steve’s history,” Pieroth continued, “his description of this most recent event, his recovery over the past 6 weeks and his current test results, I believe he can be cleared to return to full-contact play without restrictions. This is, of course, with the approval of the team’s head physician.”
According to Pieroth, she and Steve also “spoke at length about the current signs of multiple concussions,” just as they had done when she first examined him ten months earlier. She wrote:
I explained very clearly that there is no way of predicting if an athlete will suffer long-term problems from their history of concussions and repetitive contact to the head during their career. I also expressed my concern about his history and we reviewed the indicators when an athlete has suffered too many concussive injuries to continue playing in a contact sport. Steve expressed good understanding of this information and stated he does not plan to consider retirement from the sport due to his concussions at this time.
On the same day, Steve saw Dr. Terry. He told Terry that he had been working out without any difficulties and was back to feeling normal on the ice. He said he had taken an impact test and had no concussive symptoms, and had seen a vestibular therapist for an evaluation. According to his report, Terry found that Steve had no concussive-related issues remaining. Terry also reported that he discussed with Steve “long-term plans, long-term risks of continued play with recurrent repeated and prolonged concussions and his future safety. He understands these very well; he is very knowledgeable about the subject and has been for some time. He expressed a willingness to be cleared to return to full contact and has completed our protocol completely, and therefore we will allow him to return to play with no restrictions at this point.”
“Not disabled,” Dr. Terry wrote on Steve’s Fitness to Play Determination Form.
Four days later, Steve was bumped again.
Dr. Pieroth described the month that followed in a report she wrote in February 2013:
[O]n 11/5/12 [Steve] received a mild “bump” (described as being “grazed”: on the left side of his head) during a practice and developed symptoms of mild headache, mental fogginess/spaciness and neck pain. He believed the headache was related to a cervical/muscle issue and did feel better with treatment of his neck. Steve flew to Calgary on 11/13/12 for therapy on his neck, which he said lessened his symptoms overall. He skated on the 19th and 21st without any issues. However, on 11/21/12 he was elbowed to the face, which caused a return of his symptoms (mild).
The player flew to Phoenix on 11/25/12 to skate with other NHL players during the lockout. He received chiropractic treatment and felt better. He was working out/skating daily but again took a mild bump to the head (11/27/12) and he felt “spacey” again. Steve took a few days off and returned to skating on 11/29/12. On that date he collided with another player [both of whom were skating backwards], which caused a return of symptoms.”
November 5, November 21, November 27, November 29.
—
Steve returned to Toronto for Christmas and stayed with his brother Chris. For two days, Chris recalls, he just sat on the downstairs couch. “He couldn’t come upstairs. He was bothered by light. Usually, he’d chirp you, and when I say chirp, I mean bust your balls. He didn’t even want to talk. He was just kind of hunched over. I was saying to him, like, ‘Just lie down, go for a walk, get some fresh air.’”
On December 28, he flew back to Chicago and was examined by Dr. Julian Bailes of the NorthShore Neurological Institute. “According to Dr. Bailes’ report,” Pieroth wrote later, “[Steve’s] neurological examination was normal. Dr. Bailes recommended antidepressant medication, which Steve refused at that time, and various nutritional supplements. Dr. Bailes concluded, ‘I believe that based upon his present condition, Mr. Montador could attempt to return to play using a customized and slowly progressive protocol unless he sustains recurrent symptoms. He has a normal neurophysiologic and neurologic examination.”
One day later, Steve flew to California and checked himself into rehab at The Canyon Rehabilitation Center in Malibu. He was accompanied by Dan Cronin, director of counseling for the NHL/NHLPA’s Substance Abuse and Behavioural Health Program. Steve’s admission form read:
Patient had been 7 years sober and used marijuana one time a year and a half ago. He is currently suffering from increased depression he believes to be from head traumas from his line of work. In the last month and a half specifically the symptoms have gotten worse. Patient is taking supplements to help him with this and will be with us for a limited amount of time. He may need to leave within a week to two weeks for work reasons. [The “work reasons” relate to the possible end of the lockout and the resumption of the 2012–13 NHL season.] Has had some suicidal thoughts and has had cravings for cocaine. Unhealthy sleeping patterns and lack of motivation. Patient also has childhood issues of not feeling good enough. His profession has given him a passion in his life. Has not had very long relationships or successful ones….Lack of feelings.
Steve was asked a series of questions as part of his admission, to which he offered his answers:
Can you stop drug use without a struggle, no cravings or urges? Yes
In the past could you stop drug use without a struggle, no cravings or urges? No
Have you ever thought of killing yourself? Yes
Have you ever attempted suicide? No
Have you had thoughts about killing yourself today? Yes
Are you thinking about killing yourself now? No
To what degree are you [feeling] hopeless (out of 10)? 7
The next day, Steve wrote in his journal:
I’m frustrated, sad, and scared. I guess I do feel.
I’m not sure I don’t want to use, drink, or die. But they all seem like great options.
Stuck, will I ever get physically better?
Two days later, on New Year’s Day, he wrote:
Things I “should” be grateful for
• life, family
• friends
• some form of health
• some form of cognitive ability
• ability to provide for self/family
• sobriety
And then on the next day, this:
Things I am and/or should be grateful for:
• feeling better this aft, why? Don’t know, something lifted.
His next journal entry is about the CBA negotiations. With almost half the season gone, the NHL and NHLPA were reaching a critical stage. Later that day, Steve was on a conference call with the other players. No one knew where he was, or what condition he was in.
The rehab centre’s forms offer observations made by Steve and by staff members. From Steve: “Sick and tired of feeling this way. Unsure if it will change.” From staff members (about Steve): “Just tired metaphorically and literally.”
On January 4, Steve again wrote in his journal about the CBA negotiations. His notes were cryptic, and several issues remained to be resolved, but the sides, it seemed, were closer. On January 5 and 6, he wrote down the main provisions for the prospective deal. While his entries on most other subjects tended to take up one page or less, his CBA notes covered ten pages. Buried in them were three short lines:
Transition—compliance buyouts,
2 compliance during 13/1
4—14/15
2 total—100% off cap
Under the proposed new CBA, NHL teams would be given two years to buy out the contracts of two players whom they no longer wanted and couldn’t trade. The players would be paid the full amount of their contracts, but the contracts wouldn’t apply under the team’s salary cap, allowing it to improve itself in other ways. Steve’s head injuries had made it likely his NHL career was over. Unbeknownst to him, these three lines made it certain.
As his treatment required, Steve wrote a goodbye letter to substance abuse and destructive behaviour. He wrote it on the same days that he jotted down his CBA notes:
To all the substance abuse and destructive behavior in my life, beat it!
To all the substance abuse and destructive behavior in my life, where would I be without you???
I owe you so much, thank you for bringing me to Hell, thank you for making me an alcoholic/drug addict, for helping me hate myself, never accept myself, and never connect with another human being on a level I can feel. Thank you for teaching me how not to treat a lady, a parent, a friend or any being. Thank you for locking me inside my own mind, locking me out of my heart, and for casting a shadow on my days; for that anxiety, hopelessness and fear. I am especially grateful you have hurt me, but not broken me. For that, I’m definitely grateful.
For if there is light, I see it now. Sun has shone and chains are broken and I can walk freely within the moment with acceptance never dreamt of, with joy filled with laughter, within my own skin. To love you is to appreciate you, you showed me the way. It was the wrong way, but a way I know well, one to avoid, with all the love in the world.
