by Ann Bryant
“Well, you might be able to stay with me in Thailand over Easter!” I said, feeling excited again.
“Never mind Easter!” said Georgie. “What about this afternoon? Who’s coming on the shopping trip? I’ve still got to buy prezzies for the Chinese New Year weekend.”
Every term there’s an international evening or weekend, when some or all of the six houses get together to put on games and activities, as well as a special dinner. In the spring term it’s always a Chinese evening, to celebrate the Chinese New Year that falls sometime in January or February. This year it was in February. It was very exciting building up to it because traditionally everyone buys their friends little gifts, and the Year Eights told us that the house staff also buy something small for every single girl in the house. I’d already bought my gifts, over the holidays, and had them stashed away at the back of my drawer in my box of precious things.
It turned out that everyone wanted to go shopping except me and Jess, who was planning on spending the afternoon with her camera. Personally, I’d been hoping to go to the pool to practise my breathing for my front crawl, but an anxious feeling had started to well up inside me about being on my own, in case Felissia was there.
Jess must have read my mind. “Actually I quite fancy going to the pool. It might be the one and only time I get to do any floating!”
“No, don’t worry,” I quickly said. “I’ll be all right.” Then I found myself blurting out my fears. “I just wish I’d never seen those messages. It’s awful knowing someone doesn’t like me but not knowing who.”
“You mustn’t let it get to you,” said Naomi, “because that’s exactly what this horrible person wants. Remember, you’ve got to act normally, as though nothing’s bothering you. And there’s still a chance that the messages are nothing to do with you, anyway. After all, Georgie’s got about seventy Year Sevens on her contact list and there were only eighteen of us in the swimming lesson yesterday!”
The others nodded their heads in agreement, but it was obvious they were only trying to cheer me up, because how could One credit too many be aimed at anyone else but me?
“You didn’t reply, did you, Georgie?” asked Mia, suddenly.
Georgie shook her head. “No, but maybe next time they’re online I ought to tell them that Grace thinks they’re pathetic and so do I. Then perhaps they won’t bother us any more.”
“No, don’t!” I quickly said. “That might make them do something worse. I’d rather just try and ignore it.”
Jess looked thoughtful. “Perhaps if it happens again, Georgie, you ought to type something like, You’re wasting your time writing stuff about Grace because I’m purposely not telling her any of it.”
“No,” I protested again, “because they’ll find other ways of…getting at me.”
“It’s actually bullying,” said Jess. “I think you should report it, Grace.”
“But what would I say? I don’t know who it is and it doesn’t sound all that terrible calling yourself One credit too many and saying, Don’t you think? And even if a teacher found out who said it, which is impossible, that person could pretend they were talking about something else entirely.”
Mia seemed to agree with Jess. “What about that first message, though? That was horrible.”
I was feeling more and more uncomfortable because it was too hard to explain why I didn’t want any teachers involved. Yes, I was scared that whoever had it in for me would be angry if she found out I’d told a teacher. But there was another reason. The term before, my really precious stopwatch had been stolen, and Ms. Carmichael, the headmistress, had had to make an announcement about it in assembly and eventually I’d got it back. But I don’t want the teachers to think I’m always in the middle of a drama. They might get fed up with me.
“Look, I’m fine, honestly,” I said, smiling brightly even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. “Naomi’s right. I’ve just got to act like nothing’s bothering me, then they’ll leave me alone.”
“All the same, I’m coming swimming with you,” said Jess. “There’s loads of time for me to take a few pictures as well afterwards.”
I was determined to stand on my own two feet, though, and I couldn’t let poor Jess spend her Saturday afternoon swimming when she’d so much rather be out with her beloved camera. “Jess, I’ll be fine. I promise.”
There was no one in the changing room but there were loads of bags and clothes and shoes lying around the place, which meant that the pool was going to be pretty crowded. I didn’t recognize any of the shoes. Some were boots, but most were trainers of all different colours. What did Felissia wear on her feet? I had no idea. Stop thinking about it, Grace, I told myself sharply. Anyway, there was always at least one lifeguard at the pool so who could hurt me?
Hurt me? I really had to get rid of these ridiculous ideas. All that had happened was a few nasty words written on a computer. No one wanted to hurt me. They didn’t even dare reveal who they were. They were hiding behind the computer screen. Why should I worry about such weak people?
Instead of wrapping the towel around my shoulders I hung it round my neck, so I wouldn’t be as tempted to hug it to me like a kind of security blanket. Then I made myself go through to the pool. The warm air met me, which felt comforting, and I was glad to hear so much noise too. That meant everyone was having fun and no one would pay any attention to me. I put the towel on one of the rails at the side, feeling a bit lost without it, and ran my eyes as casually as I could over the pool. The only person I could clearly make out was Hannah. She was doing front crawl, cutting through the water with her head down, and only breathing on every third stroke. I so hoped Mrs. Mellor would teach us the proper front crawl technique in swimming squad.
I didn’t like standing on the edge – it made me feel really conspicuous – but I badly wanted to know if Felissia was in the pool, before I got in. I’d just feel a bit more secure if I knew that, so I pretended to be adjusting my goggles and then tucking bits of stray hair into my swimming cap, which gave me a chance to take a better look. The only other person I instantly recognized was Bibi, at the deep end with her back to the wall, her arms stretched out along the rail, her eyes on me. I quickly looked away, then sat down on the edge and twisted my body round as I slid in, so no one would see me wince at the chill of the water. I really wanted to swim hard up and down the pool, trying to get faster at front crawl and concentrate on the breathing, but I couldn’t be sure that no one was watching me, and I didn’t want to look too keen. What I really mean is, I couldn’t be sure that Felissia wasn’t watching me.
It annoyed me that I even cared whether she was watching or not, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to relax until I’d found out if she was actually in the pool. To give myself a bit more time, I pretended to be warming up, rolling my shoulders and drawing my knees up to my chest one at a time. Then I stopped abruptly at the sound of a snigger. I couldn’t tell who it was, but it made me spring into action and start swimming.
At least with breaststroke, unless you’re doing it with the proper technique and dipping your face in on every stroke, you can look round a bit. So that’s what I did and it didn’t take any time at all for me to spot Felissia, Stella and Cassie doing handstands near the shallow end. My stomach knotted immediately. Bibi and Hannah were practising tumble turns a bit further up, and a group of Year Eights were ploughing up and down the pool in pairs. Loads of Year Sevens were having a hold-your-breath-underwater competition. I must have been the only person on my own. Maybe I should have said “Yes please” when Jess offered to come. But no one seemed to be looking at me, except the lifeguard, and she was only looking because that was her job.
After four lengths of nice comfortable breaststroke, I gave myself a firm telling-off. Right, Grace, stop being silly and get on with what you came to do. So I changed to front crawl and really tried to push myself to go as fast as I could. I made up the rule that I wasn’t allowed to stop until I’d done eight lengths, but by the
time I’d done four I was wishing I’d made it six, because my muscles were tight and I’d already slowed down a lot. It was also more difficult because the pool was so crowded, so I made a resolution to turn up before breakfast the next day. Then, with a bit of luck, I’d get the pool all to myself. I don’t mind the thought of being on my own. In fact I prefer it, because I can concentrate on my training without worrying about anyone watching, apart from the lifeguard.
At the end of the eight lengths I felt exhausted and wished I’d set myself the task of doing an odd number, as then I could have finished at the deep end where the water would go right up to my neck. I felt stupid in the shallow end, because I had to bend my legs until I was nearly kneeling to make sure my top half wasn’t sticking up out of the water. When I wasn’t out of breath any more I went right under and peered around through my goggles. Everything sounded muffled and unreal, and it was weird to see pale legs kicking and flapping in slow motion. In a funny way it made me feel calm and safe, but after a while I ran out of breath and had to come up again, where the shrill echoey sounds of chatter and laughter hit me like an alarm clock going off.
This time I took a proper look around and was surprised to see no sign of Felissia and her friends. Bibi and Hannah were still practising tumble turns near the deep end. I decided to try one myself, so I swam to the side about halfway up the pool and pushed hard down into the somersault. It worked really well and I managed to keep swimming underwater right up to the other side of the pool. I came up gasping and happy, then turned to see both Bibi and Hannah staring at me, so I quickly looked away. A moment later they got out too and after a while there was only me and a few Year Eights left. I felt much more comfortable without anyone from my year in the pool, and even better when I saw through the massive window behind the lifeguard’s tall chair that Felissia and her friends were rushing off somewhere, swinging their bags and laughing. It’s funny how easily you can see out from the inside. If the sun’s shining and you’re looking in from outside you can’t see anything except reflections.
I enjoyed myself for the next twenty minutes, swimming up and down and timing myself by the giant clock on the wall, and by the time I got out of the pool I had that lovely satisfied feeling I always get after training. I couldn’t say I was looking forward to swimming squad, but at least I wasn’t worried any more, because Felissia hadn’t done anything horrible to me in the pool. Okay, she hadn’t exactly been friendly, but then we didn’t know each other particularly well and, anyway, she’d just been messing about with her friends, and there was nothing wrong with that.
When I got up to the dorm it was a lovely surprise to find Jess there, looking at photos on her digital camera.
“I’ve taken some really good ones,” she said, in what I call her faraway voice. “I’m going to edit them on the computer later.” Then she looked at me properly and saw my wet hair. “Oh! Sorry! How was swimming? Was Felissia there?”
“Yes, but she was fine. She didn’t say anything or give me any funny looks or spoil my training at all, so I’m not worried any more. I think I’ve got a bit faster at front crawl, too, but I want to get much much faster by the time it’s the gala. Hannah’s brilliant at it.”
Jess’s dreamy look changed to a sparkly one and I could tell she was relieved that nothing awful had happened to me. When the others got back from shopping we all went to make hot chocolate in the kitchen, then took it up to the dorm and played twenty questions sitting on the round rug. It was pouring down outside, which always gives me a lovely cosy feeling. Katy had bought a big red shift dress in a charity shop, but she was being rather secretive about it.
“I don’t get what you want it for,” said Georgie, wrinkling her nose. “It’s ten times too big for you.”
Katy smiled. “Aha! You shall see!”
Everyone seemed pleased to hear that my swimming training had been fine, and after we’d watched a bit of TV and had supper, Jess and I went to look at her photos on one of the computers. The first one was of a sash window that was just a bit open, and showed the bottom of a net curtain that had blown underneath the window and got dirty with the rain and the dust from the window. Then, as she showed me the rest, I realized they were all of windows, but every one was completely different, some looking out and some looking in.
“I like thinking about this,” she told me, with a distant look in her eyes. “Are we the outsiders looking in, or are the outsiders the ones inside, looking out like prisoners?”
It’s great talking with Jess about things like that and I asked her if she’d ever thought of photographing the swimming-pool window.
“That’s a good idea,” she said thoughtfully. “I’d probably get some interesting reflections. But then I might not get anything else except reflections, unless the sun wasn’t shining…only then there wouldn’t be enough light…”
“What about if you did it from inside?”
“Then I think I’d get detention!” she laughed. “I’m not sure that cameras are allowed at the poolside – Mrs. Mellor would think I’m mad!”
“What’s so funny?” asked Georgie, coming in at that moment and going straight online.
When we told her she laughed too, but then the laughter died away and I instantly knew why.
“It’s another message, isn’t it?” I said heavily. “Let me see.”
This time when I read the words I felt like bursting into tears.
Don’t choo-choo skinny gal cos skinny = useless = loser
“It’s from Torpedo Gal,” said Jess sadly. She turned away.
“Wh…what’s choo-choo?” I asked shakily.
“Train,” said Georgie quietly. “She’s telling you not to train.”
I could feel myself going all crumbly inside, but I wanted to stay strong because the moment I showed fear one of my friends would be sure to go to a teacher. “How do you know she means…me? I’m not…the only skinny one.” But even as I was saying it I was remembering how I’d stood on the side for a while fiddling with my goggles and swimming hat so I could try to see if Felissia was in the pool. Perhaps it had looked like I was showing off. I flopped down into the seat beside Jess, as a horrible thought suddenly occurred to me. I blurted it out, because it felt too shocking to keep inside. “I don’t think it is Felissia, you know.”
“What!” said Georgie, swinging her head round.
My mind was zooming back over the whole swimming session, taking snapshots along the way… Bibi staring at me with her arms stretched out along the rail. Hannah and Bibi practising tumble turns. Me doing a perfect one. The way they looked at me, then got out almost immediately after.
“Think about it…” I said dully. “Felissia’s not much different in height and shape from me. But Bibi and Hannah are miles bigger. Why should Felissia say anything about me being skinny?” I hung my head. “And they were practising tumble turns and I just stupidly went and did a perfect one. They must have thought I was a total show-off. I wish I hadn’t done it. It’s my own fault.”
Jess’s eyes were wide with shock. “You can’t blame yourself, Grace! They’re the evil ones. And they’re threatening you!” She bit her lip. “I mean…whoever it is…”
“Yes,” said Georgie, looking just as put out as Jess. “Whoever it is, they’ve got the cheek to tell you not to train. Huh!”
The door opened and we all jumped for no reason except that the message had made us tense.
“It’s only me! Not a ghost!” said Mia, trying to make us smile. But a second later she realized we were deadly serious. “Wh…what’s happened?”
“Tell you in the dorm,” said Jess flatly.
So a few minutes later, as we were all getting ready for bed, I explained about the message to Mia, Naomi and Katy.
“Whoever it is, it’s definitely their problem, not yours,” said Naomi, looking cross.
“Don’t you think Grace ought to report it?” asked Georgie, eyes flashing.
“The teachers would be furious if they k
new that people were using the chat room for this kind of thing,” Katy said.
“Exactly! And they’d probably ban it,” I pointed out. “Then if people found out it was thanks to me, they’d hate me!” I shivered without meaning to. “I really don’t want to report it,” I said, turning to Naomi and talking to her in a panicky gabble like she was my mum. “Remember you said I mustn’t let it bother me, Naomi?”
She nodded slowly, her big eyes staring into the distance as though she could remember saying it, but wasn’t quite so convinced about it any more. Jess put her arm round me and I took a deep breath. I was trying to be so brave and strong, but inside I was turning to jelly.
Chapter Four
It wasn’t easy keeping my nerve till swimming squad on Wednesday. Whenever I was anywhere near the main building, it was tempting to rush in and scrub my name off the list, but I knew that if I did that one of my friends would try and explain everything to Miss Carol or Mrs. Mellor. Each time Georgie went on the computer I felt myself tensing right up, because I was sure it would only take one more horrible message aimed at me before one of them went right ahead and reported it. And there was another reason why I didn’t want to show how worried I really felt, too; because if I lost my nerve I might never get it back and then I’d be so disappointed in myself. My parents had brought me up to face up to things and always to try my best and never give in. And that’s what I was doing right now, even though it felt like the hardest test I’d ever had in my life.
“Remember,” said Jess, catching my tense look as I was about to set off to the pool, “Mrs. Mellor will be there, and Miss Snow and the lifeguard…” Her eyes flashed. “So if Bibi or Hannah say anything nasty or threatening to you, you just tell someone straight away, okay?”
Now I felt as though Jess was my mum. I tried to make my voice as light as possible. “It’ll be fine, I’m sure.”
