by Nicole Thorn
“Why?” he demanded, stepping forward. His tone changed when he continued. Losing some of the anger, and turning into this sad, begging almost. “Why last night? After everything that happened. You nearly died twice, and you fought a gorgon. You knew how scared I had been for you, and you still went out. Why?”
“Because I wanted to,” I said. “You don’t get to tell me what I can and cannot do, Zander.”
His hands went into his hair as he paced the living room. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do,” he ground out between his teeth. “I’m trying to keep you alive. Anything could have gotten you while you were out. Literally anything, and there would have been nothing I could do to save you. You would be dead right now because you wanted a few drinks.”
“I needed room to breathe,” I said right back at him, getting to my feet now. Squaring off against the man I meant to make peace with. “I needed a little of that freedom you don’t want me to have.”
“I’m not taking any of your freedom,” he said. “I’m trying to make you understand there are things out there that want to kill you. What if another gorgon had shown up while you were out partying, and drinking it up? What if she had shown up while those two boys were pawing all over you?”
It felt like everything around us came to a crashing halt. “You followed me!?” I shouted, disbelief coloring my voice. “Why would you have followed me!?”
“Did you not remember the part about a gorgon wanting you dead?” he asked. “You could have gotten those two miscreants killed, not that they would have deserved anything less. Or did you enjoy the way they were all over you?” he demanded, an ugly note filling his tone, and his face. His eyes . . . I never knew they could look that angry.
“They were nice!” I shouted. “They didn’t even touch me, or ask for my number. When I left, they let me go. Besides, why would I do anything with them when there’s y—” I cut myself off before the rest of the word could come out. This was not the time nor the place for that.
“You had no right to follow me,” I said, hoping he had missed my slip up. My heart pounded a little harder than I wanted it to, and I could feel the tears filling up my eyes. He didn’t understand what he had done wrong. He didn’t understand how much he had hurt me by doing this.
“I had to make sure you didn’t die,” Zander hissed. “You’re so determined to die. Why couldn’t you just stay home, Jasmine?” he begged. “Where we could have kept you safe. You have beer here. You could have drunk it here.” He spoke the last sentence with disgust.
“That’s why,” I said, pointing at him. “Because all of you would give me that look. Like I’m doing something wrong by having a beer.”
He threw his arms up. Paced away. Came back. “Dealing with our disapproval would have been better than leaving. You’re always leaving when you should stay where it’s safe. You, Jasper, and Juniper. You’re all so fragile, and you’re refusing to acknowledge it. None of you are meant to be in this kind of fight.”
“What?” I asked, not following his change of subject.
“None of you should have been involved,” he repeated. “Whoever is after you should just leave you alone. You are seers. You’re very human seers. There are a million things that could kill you, and if you die, then that’s it. No more. Why won’t you stay out of this fight?”
I stared at him, too many emotions churning in my gut. He was so mad at me, and it hurt so much that he followed me, and it frustrated me that he didn’t get it. “What do you expect, Zander? For us to never leave this house? To go into a nice secluded room, and never come out because we’re human. To stay in there, have visions and never come out because we’re special. We can’t leave the house, heavens no. No school for us. We’ll just ignore the cage we’re in, and never complain. Being in the cage is awful, because it hurts, and it’s cold and wet, you feel terrible because you know you did something wrong, but it’s so much better than not being in the cage, because if not you, then someone you love, and I can’t let them go in the cage, cuz they could freeze, but he always takes the blame, knowing what will happen, he takes the—” I stopped because I couldn’t breathe. I had vanished from the room, and I couldn’t breathe.
I can see the bars to the kennel in the backyard. I can feel the way my back started to hurt when I sat in there for too long. The way my legs started to cramp. The feel of the water tangling my hair, soaking into my shirt and pants and bra and panties, down to your very bones it feels like. Oh, and the cold. The cold eating away at you bit by bit, until it’s hard to breathe. And staying awake is so difficult. Why should you stay awake, when there’s nothing but pain and misery, but then there’s your siblings, and you want to be good for them, so you have to stay awake.
“Jasmine!” Zander shouted, reaching for me. “Jasmine, breathe!”
He touched me. His hands landed on my arms. His hands felt so warm, when I had grown so cold, and I couldn’t breathe. He was so mad at me. I hadn’t meant to upset him. He would put me in the cage, because I had done something wrong. I deserved it. I knew I did. Always fucking up. Not like Juniper and Jasper, who tried to walk that line. I always deserved the cage. I always earned it, but Jasper never did.
He would take the blame for me. He always did. So many hours outside, in the cold wet, hunched over, in agony. I had to make sure that he didn’t take the blame for me again.
Tears ran down my face, and I couldn’t breathe. Oh, god, I couldn’t breathe. Why did this happen? I grabbed him, my nails digging into skin that would heal immediately, and I sobbed. I cried so hard that it hurt my insides. I cried until all my words came out in little pants, because I couldn’t get enough air in. “Please don’t be mad anymore,” I begged. “Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m so sorry.”
“Jasmine!” he shouted. “Jasmine, look at me!”
“Please don’t be mad!” I dropped to my knees because my legs couldn’t hold me up anymore. He tried to catch me, but missed. I hit the floor, and wrapped around him, still begging. “Please don’t be mad!” I continued to beg until I couldn’t get enough air to do even that. Then I whimpered out apologies, trying to make everything better, because I broke it all. I broke everything. I broke him. I broke my family. Everything around me, because I couldn’t stop pissing people off.
I sobbed against his leg, and begged, like the pathetic thing that I was, hoping that he would see I tried to make everything all right. I tried so hard, and I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted everything to be better and my lungs hurt so bad, and he said something, begging me to stop crying, and my stomach was in agony, and he reached for me, and he would hit me, oh god, he would hurt me, and I begged him some more while my hands shook, because I didn’t want him to be mad anymore, but he had to be so mad.
Then Jasper appeared. “What are you doing?!” he demanded. I could feel him getting closer, and I could practically feel the rage that came off him. Zander said more words, but I still tried to make him not mad anymore. He would understand that I didn’t mean to hurt him. I didn’t mean to do anything, but I couldn’t stop either. I couldn’t stop because I was worthless.
“Get away from her,” my brother growled. They shouted, and shoved, and Jasper jerked me around. I curled up, because I had nothing left to hold onto. I was all alone, and I deserved it.
They fought, and I laid there while they did it. More shouting came from Kizzy and Juniper. One of them touched me, and I curled up, because I didn’t know who it had been. I didn’t want Kizzy to comfort me. I didn’t deserve it.
Someone scooped me up, and I knew this person. I would have thought that Zander would have won that fight. I would have been wrong. I put my arms around my brother’s neck, and held on for dear life.
CHAPTER TWELVE:
Human
Zander
I would never leave, but I sure did toy with the idea. Played with it in my head, even going as far as to think about where I may go, and what I might do there. Something for my mother.
She could get me a job. Something to do until our humans died, a long time from now.
I sat on the porch as it rained, and I let the icy water hit my skin like needles. I wanted it to hurt. I wanted more pain than I received. All the pain in the world, and nothing would match what I felt when I looked into her eyes. Not a damn thing.
I couldn’t save her, and I couldn’t save Kezia. Worse than useless, I was a life preserver no one wanted to hold onto, or couldn’t reach in Kizzy’s case. She had to see me while her foster mother did those things to her, wishing I would have figured it out. But I didn’t. I laughed with her, and we watched TV, and we ate junk food. I didn’t know anything had gone wrong, and she would have to go home and be violated, while I lived in the best home I’d ever had, with people that loved me.
Some protector.
Every bone in my body dragged me in the direction of someone I felt like I needed to take care of. It didn’t feel like an obligation, or something to do against my will. I just wanted to be wanted. I needed to be needed. And I had neither of those things. All I had was a wet porch and a house full of people who rightfully were pissed off at me.
I had to be better, and ignore my instincts to take care of Jasmine. She didn’t want it, and I didn’t know how much longer I could be this person. I didn’t want to be the guy that stalked people, or that told them how to live. That had never been me. It came about when I met Jasmine. Love turned me into something ugly. I thought it was supposed to make a better man out of me. I had been wrong, and it felt like a stab to the heart I didn’t want anymore.
How do I fix this then? Just leave her alone? Watch her go off and be stupid, and let the chips fall where they may? Kizzy didn’t pull this shit with Jasper. He . . . wanted to be better. He found his own way to where he needed to be. So, did Kizzy in the end. Ah, I see it now. I’m the problem. Years with me, and Kizzy didn’t want to change. A few weeks with Jasper, and she did. Nothing wrong with them. I was the one broken maybe worse than all the rest.
The door opened, and I heard the sound of an umbrella unfurling. My sister held it over my head, and she sat down on the wet porch beside me. Kizzy sighed, and put her head on my shoulder.
I laughed, and I rubbed my hands together. “I’m a real fuck up, huh?”
My sister hummed. “Well, it does seem like you’re running for the dickhead awards lately. What the fuck is up with you?”
I shrugged, and gave her a look, smiling bitterly. “Seems the lovebug got me, kiddo. It’s not as pretty on me as it is on you.”
Kizzy didn’t look surprised. “You have a lot more to be scared of than I did. Jasper was never as bad as Jasmine is. He hurt himself differently. I don’t know how to keep Jasmine from doing what she does, but the way you’re acting is only going to make it worse.”
I locked my fingers in my hair on either side of my head, and my foot tapped on the ground. “I know. I fucking know,” I muttered. “I just go nuts when I see her doing something stupid. It feels like she wants to die.”
Kizzy held her umbrella higher, trying to keep me from getting wetter, I assumed. A waste of her time. “That’s not the case. She’s just coping. Jasper checks out, Juniper cleans and restricts herself, and Jasmine drinks until she can’t feel anymore. It’s the only ways they have to feel less miserable. Jasper is still fucked up, and he will be, probably forever. We all will be. It’s just a matter of how much we let it define us. Jasmine isn’t where she needs to be yet, but she’s not always going to be like this.”
I didn’t see the future, so I couldn’t see a time where Jasmine wouldn’t lean on this to give herself some relief. If she didn’t drink herself to death, she would just stumble into a situation she couldn’t get out of. I knew it had been insane to follow her the night before, but I couldn’t stop myself. I saw her there with those guys, and she tossed back drinks. She had been lucky that they didn’t act worse than they had.
I shook my head, watching the rain in the sky. “I really don’t even know who I am right now. I wasn’t always such a dick.”
Kizzy kissed my arm. “You still aren’t. You just don’t like it when someone you love is hurt. It’s not your fault that you feel so much, Zander. You’re scared.”
I was terrified. More than I could even explain to her. “I feel like everything is slipping away from me, and all I can do is watch. I lost you, and I’m losing her.”
Kizzy blinked at me, and her mouth hung open for too long. “What are you talking about?”
Did she really not see? “Kiz,” I started. “You have Jasper now. You haven’t needed me in months. You don’t come to me to talk, we hardly spend any time together, and never alone, you don’t come sleep next to me anymore.”
She let out a sigh. “Zander . . . I don’t know what to say to that.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I understand. You have a boyfriend now. You should be going to him for this stuff. I’m just the brother who isn’t even really your brother. I just miss you. I’m alone all the time now. I don’t know how Juniper does it, and Jasmine just takes off.”
Kizzy gave a half smile. “Hey, maybe you can just buddy up with Juniper. I bet she’s fun at a movie.”
I rolled my eyes. “She would probably want to dry clean the seats. I want my little sister.”
Kizzy nodded, and leaned more against me. “Once this is all over, I say you and me pick a day a week where we go out to eat. Just the two of us. Jasper can handle himself for an afternoon, and so can Jasmine,” she added before I could say anything. “Zander. Jasmine is a big girl. She’s going to be fine. Just don’t smother her.”
I put my head in my hands as I looked at Kizzy. “How much does Jasper want to kill me?”
She bit her lip. “He knows you didn’t hurt her physically, but something you said had to have done that to her. Sorry . . . ”
Kizzy was right about that. Jasmine went into that fit because I triggered something. Memories of that torture she went through with her father. That they all went through. Something in me made her go back to that place, and it made my body tremble. All I wanted was to go see Jasmine, but I doubted I could get past her bodyguard.
“How do I fix this?” I asked. “Because I don’t have a clue.”
Kizzy stood on her feet, and offered a hand out to me. “You don’t fix it, Zander. You learn to live with the scars you can’t erase.” When I took her hand, she pulled me up. “You wake up, you let yourself feel whatever you feel, as angry or as loving as it is, and you go about your day. Don’t take it out on anyone, including yourself. Just be there when Jasmine falls, and get her standing again. It’s the very best you can do.”
I hugged Kizzy, soaking her clothes, and making her shiver. She forced me back into the all too quiet house I didn’t feel welcome in, and I went up to my bedroom.
I walked to my dresser, pulled some clothes out of the thing, and set them on the top. I dripped everywhere, and my shoes would need to dry out. With a sigh, I shuffled with soggy shoes to the corner. I pulled them off and stared at them. I’d probably need new ones.
A knock on the door made me turn around, and I saw Jasmine, as timid as could be, opening my door. She looked better off than when Jasper took her away from me, but it had been hours. I had sat out in the rain so long that my lips had turned blue, and my skin felt like ice. I almost couldn’t feel it anymore.
“Can I come in?” Jasmine asked.
I nodded, and watched her take every step. The door closed, and I couldn’t look away from her. When I did look, I saw a million things and a million paths I could take. The ones I wanted to, the ones I should, and the ones I wished could’ve been options.
I saw days where we stayed outside, and we lounged in the grass. She laid on me, smiling and laughing with me. And I saw Jasmine looking at me with the same love I had for her. I saw her pregnant, and I saw her with a toddler in her arms. And then I saw her hair getting gray. Her body getting weaker. I saw her lying in a bed she would never get out of, and I sa
w her lying in a coffin. I looked the same as I did right now, because I would never look different. I could never age with her or our children. Losing her . . . that would destroy me. Losing the children . . . I didn’t know what that would do to me. I couldn’t understand how Kizzy had been brave enough to choose that future.
Then I thought of what I should do, and it mixed with what I could do. Leave Jasmine be. Literally leaving, and letting her live her life out, not hurting her more. I didn’t think I could do that, so I looked at the other option. Staying here and still leaving Jasmine alone. Watching her meet someone else. Someone who could make her better, and who could make her not want to drink so much, since I couldn’t do that. That man had to be on his way. I saw him and her in my mind, and I saw him getting all the things I wanted. Her time and her love, her hand, and her future. I saw them happy, and growing old together.
Yet my head lingered longest in a fantasy. Jasmine wasn’t human. This beautifully fragile thing. I loved her humanity, but it scared me. In my head, she became something else. Something big and forever. I saw her standing at my side when we fought, because I didn’t want to be her protector. I just wanted us to be even. I knew that now. It wasn’t a job for me, this guardianship. It came naturally, and I didn’t mind it, but I wanted more for Jasmine. I wanted her to be strong in her own right, and I wanted her to feel it. This body she had, I could hurt her by accident, and she didn’t even know. I could get careless, not see her, and hit her. I’d break bones, or worse. Jasmine didn’t seem to see that her humanity didn’t cause the problem. My lack of humanity did. My blood ruined this. Jasmine could overcome most of her troubles, but I could never run away from this thing I was.
Not quite human and not quite god.
If she couldn’t be a demigod, I wished I could be human. I wished for something to strip me of this magic, and let me be, to live out my days in this house, and never meet another god in my life.
I wouldn’t get anything I wanted.
